tuesday very important day to me.

i think what i confronted is really something stasi like. would tell to the victims institution all of the stalk incidents. i reeally think maybe commies behind it. or it were a psycho stalker with stasi methods.

how hard period it were to confront that stasi victim's like life for 5 years. that i hadnt understood whats going on (i thought there is an unimportant stalk) in initial 2 years of stalk. 

it were really so hard life last 5 years. and i found help finally.

before my life were beautiful i think. (before stalk started life)

were a really so hard life last 5 years. not any different than one stasi victim's topic is mine as i read to see the similarity. one victim there. with smear campaign.

istanbul is 20 million people. my stalk confrontation started there.  i guess its something like commies stalked me. i still strongly think like that. checking remembering all stalk incidents.  cause really looks very similar to historical stasi victims story i read. but maybe its just  a psycho stalker (i lived in most populated area there). i dont know. i would tell all stalk incidents,

it were really hard. now tuesday named day would come. when  someone that understands how its hard to have a sociopath stalker listens me. i would ask for therapists references also. to find a therapist. for detectiving topic to record stalk incidents, i dont have money for that yet. maybe further months i could collect every month frm salary.

i finally found help:)  i think tuesday might be the most important day of my life for last 5 years. for since someone thats expert in helping stalk victims would listen to me:) its the most important day of my life i think for considering this trauma of stalk. i think it feels amazing to have found help:)

i dont think mom's therapy like sentences were any enough. mom is not a therapist.  ok she helped me in worst periods of trauma moments where i felt the most severe form of trauma.  she healed me to some degree. but nope. she is not an expert in helping solving stalk issue.

it feels amazing to have found help finally:)

i thikn tuesday is the most important day for i think last 5 years of my life. i finally found help:)

again and again this topic has none relatedness to any blog readers topics. its irrelvnt/unrelated topic.

ok this guh i am i think definitely old. since i want to spend time in home drinking tea, listening peaceful musics. maybe sunbathing.maybe resting. maybe reading abstract algebra. seems as an amazing weekend plan for this weekend :)

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yayy talking to brother in phone. always nice to talk to family. i forgot to talk to my parents last days. would say/talk tomorrow.

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yayy talked brainstormed my abstract algebra learner ai project with my brother.

my sleep came. i think i have natural chalk board on cover of one cupboard. but its narrow. i couldnt find any to be delivered tomorrow. ok. then  would try to buy the chalk and use the narrow one.

I am counting hours to weekend and abstract algebra :) but surelky would buy a very big chalkboard also:)

ok chalkboard fun to be postponed to monday:) though abstract algebra fun still exists:)

though board wouldnt be utilized yet:) since still studying abstract algebra! everything starts with abstract algebra in this side project!

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nice Nils Frahms music in my ears right now. even a monotone sequence this single composition has, it turns out so nice. so this week's musical mood is piano. further week would be another genre i guess. music is so beautiful/every music genres are so much beautiful.

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this composition's some part creates goose bumps.

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ok the weathre is rainy tomorrow. maybe i go to biking/lake today. why not. hmm would take my abstract algebra texts with me. last day had long call with brother. he suggested if i am interested to such project that i should pursue academic career to find more focus to investigate that project idea of abstract algebra different versions topic.  but i said i dont like exams or i could never study to an exam ever. maybe lets call it as an exam phobia. maybe because i am silly i have such phobia. and i actually hate studying to exams. maybe due to that. or maybe just i find measurement theory ap-plied on my konwledge kind of scary. :D brother mentioned measure trheory he said in his thesis study he studied that concept alot. and it would take alot time if i ever study measure theory and said its not easy area. anyway. had nice chat about my project idea. he suggested me to write my goals in that.  but goals of how to do that is built upon studying domain knowledge, in other words, abstract algebra. as told, wanting to recreate different algebra versions first. then recode physical knowledge systems/theories with different algebras.  my brother is much more intellgnt than me. he suggested suggestions like targeting first smaller goals. like optimizing a part of a system. but i think i am bound to be a generalist. my brother is a specialist.and surely much more intellgnt than me cause i am not an intellgnt generalist i think. anyway. hmm i think i would attend portrait drawing study tomorrow.

hey i figured out:P

my brother remembered my university laziness then and stopped suggesting being academician instantly:D just said why dont you be an academician (like phd msc mixed programs) if you are interested to science. then upon i made him remember my university time laziness (e.g. there has been times when i took a course 3 times. cause i really cant make studying to exams named topic truly. i just lack that skill) (i usually didnt entered classes either. i think becausxe first 3 weeks would be so slow that i would not like listening. then afterwards it would become instantly suiper hard. that attending would make no sense afterwards. ) i never could manage that academician side of studying type. so as with just one sentence i told to brother, hey dont you remmeber my university times i said :D then he instantly stopped suggtesting me an academician path.  i really have problems with studying to exams. i dont know why. it feels as the thing i most dislike in my life. i think i lack discipline named concept. but not everyone needs to be same, right? i instead studying to an exam(since msc+phd like stuff holds many such stuff like many exams i guess), would study at home. and he said ok. or but maybe if its home take exams, i could try. hmm. brother said you should have some achievable goals in life. then i remembered my stance of why do goals matter like stance in high school or in begining of university. i mean i am truly a weirdo i think. i always had problems in understanding or being able to setup goals with kind of slight tone of existentialism there. any goal i setup becomes uninteresting after sometime in projects side.  but if i learn physics, i would also wanted to study in a physics lab maybe in long future. if they dont mandate phd. or maybe working in a lab is also exciting method of how to live life. i dont know any. just brother's suggestion wandered my mind. if its home take exams always, than i would like to attend msc or phd like topics. ok i think i would investigate. brother is always more insightful than me most of th etime. he said if you are interested to a scientific project, just go focus in a science place. but i also like my current workplace alot. ok. i think i currently would make it as: i would craft this project at thome times. since i would manage it. but if i were b ound to do in an institute, the management of time of project's agenda would include also other people's decisions:P but right now i am the boss of the home side project:P but my brother warned that you could find your self, 1 year later, not any iterated in your project. please set up achievable goals he said. and said note your goals. i would try that. would document my goals. i sometimes did that.

i think i passed university without ever studying (except coding assignments. i studied to code them alot.) but many repeated courses. i would study read course notes just 2 hours before the exam. what saved me i think is curve system. i mean you neednt have to get 60 or 70 over 100 to pass an exam. there were a curve system where average were taken as baseline. unlike other departments, our departments i think curves were usually lower. i remember taking an ai course. not ever single time studygin. just attending first course. then having exam without also reading studying. and taking something like very low but curve were also low that saved me in that one. i remember i would always study last 3 hours. from course notes. with no attendance to classes. i were a weirdo back then either. i remember giving empty paper once. i dont know why i entered exam. it were lienar algebra that i hadnt any entered courses:D

only i think attendance to courses were Gokturk teacher's courses(my favorite teacher in my department.). of lisp language. of scheme language. of c language. i attended only them. and only once calculus 2 i attended since our teacher were amazing. (all other teachers were super amazing but i had problems with following schedule of university of attending courses classes etc. i am the problematic one)

i had an awesome very kind advisor teahcer. (that we define our courses every semester.. always would smile to my laziness:) i miss that teacher also. is one my favorite teachers from university times).

i think i were in a state of, i dont know what goals i have. i mean even my department were defined by my family. and i had no insight to select for myself either. i mean i have no choice either. i am super happy for that that department happent so i learnt various topics in areas i wonder.

i think i managed to create goals only after 30ies. before couldnt set up goals to my life. i just lived but had no goals.

so when brother also said, set up achievable goals in phone, i wanted to smile remembering again university times or such life years. that goals topic has been always a problematic topic to me before.  (a definite weirdo i am surely) i know other people most of th etime set up goals easily. thats a problematic topic to me. for instance, game engine project. it becomes meaningless after some point. i mean work got excited to idea. and then it becomes uninteresting and i find another idea to try to build. all project i tried had gone this path.  ok i think maybe i finally found project i would never be uninterested to.  abstract algebra.

i only started studying science maths 6 years ago. in university i never studied:D

. so this interest to science is kind of new. last 10 years topic it is.

it turns out a different life when you lose interest to projects very easily. in drawing its same. i should invest necessary enough time to it. but it again like game engine project, becomes unionteresting aftrer some point. i wonder are there any people alot who has this struggle type. i remember i ini8ted lots of projects. and all got left in middle.  i wish i finally foujnd a project that wont get left in middle. this abstract algebra topic. i wish it doesnt follow the line of 8 or else many projects i tried. maybe most people are like me. i mean take for instance game engine project. ok its still exciting. but while doing that, i found out newer projects and i this time find them very exciting. i always find another project along. the projec ti start never finishes/succeeds. mostly i think it wont be any popular or else. but i never succed to finalize projects. i wish this fate of unfinished projects or such curse on my projects get broken in this abstract algebra study.

i think we all discover ourselves by time. some people discover goals easily. i discovered my goals not easily. i discovered i am for instance interested to science area after my 30ies. though its not rare as i see people do create nonlinear careers in various area. what i want to work on, or having any goal in life, i think wer eproblematic topic to me for a while. maybe its same for lots of other people i guess.

i like exciting life versions surely.

ok my chalk board coming on monday:) it would be total dope. cause i mean when you hadnt needed to study to learn all your life (e.g. studying just 3 hours before the exam.  or studying inside the exam when its open course(it were operating systems course, easy of course i passed), of course hadnt been successful in most of the exams :P ) everything is easily kind of easily learnable i think. i dont think people understand me when i say this. i mean i saw i am misunderstood sometimes in various topics. its just we type of people dont study learn the way other disciplined people does. to me, all topics are learnable. i think its for everyone else like that either. just our schedules are different. maybe other people define theior learning periods more planned more disciplined, i like to be undisciplined. but i dont any understand when people tag goals with various categories. i think its also wrong to think like that.i just cant succeed to think like the usual way people think in these topics. i mean not all people do study in disciplined way i guess. nor their ways to study might be clumsy. but its how life is. i mean, not all people have same styles to do study. anyway.  i think i just dont know but when i neednt need to study to topics all my life (or avoid when i have to:Dsince i am silly:D) it somehow feels everything is learnable. cause i could learn topics of a course 3 hours before since computer engineering topics wernt that hard. (maybe its harder to do that in maths since it needs also practising internalizing).  but my main view out there ot topics to be learnt, that its, every topic is easily learnable. (snce only needed to invest 3 hours or inside exams if open book. ) though being intellgnt is something other. some people ar elike von neumann. they have more processors ? i am not any like them. i am not intellgnt. but what i meantion is, i think everytopic is easily learnable/consumable. due to my own experience in life. that a topic were just once told to me then i ddnt need to relisten. but those topics were easy like high school physics. not hard versions. but i mean, to me, every topic is easily learnable. but i am stupid also. i mean being able to learn easily doesnt require i think high intellgnce. but to me, having lived a life where i hadnt needed to put effort to learn anything,  it just, this abstract algebra goal feels as a toy project to me. or rewriting physical frameworks. i know people would think i am exagerating. nope i am not. not that i am any intellgnt to think like that. i just think learning easily and intellgnce are differnet concepts. i think i am having nice chance in the prior/former one.  but quite unfaithful in the latter one. (i am not intellgnt surely.).

so when i say my toy projects and people sometimes gives weird reactions thinking i exagerate or try to underestimate complexity. i dont. its jut like this when you ddnt had to invest any time to ever learning that much effort in life. that most topics out there to be easily learnable or changed/modified etc. i know people would think i am silly to think like that. its just my life experience has been different on learning side to think like this i think. but surely i am stupid as hell also on oither hand. i think learning easiness and intellgnce are far away concepts. i am not any intellgnt. but to me everything is easily learnble/modifieab le. nor every project i would figure out to create convert it to modifieable form someway sometime. i mean even if it would be hard maybe since i am stupid honestly, but i would figure out ways to be learnable easily in some way either. i mean i think i have tricks to overcome my stupidity (i am stupid as hell i think) but the thing is, i find it very weird when people expect everyone to be same. i am not disciplined and doomed to be undisciplined i guess. anyway. i mean i dont think there is an being intellgnt requirement to do establish goals i set to myself. i dont have to be intellgnt to set up goals like that (since i have easiness in learning topic or inherent ways to setup mechanisms to learn topics even if it would be harsh sometimes since i am stupid). what i mean is, i think there is no standard way of life. i could be both stupid and setup abstract algebra modification goal. i think all generalizations are usually missing outliers as expected from generalization tools. i think correlating being intellgnt to be able to learn topics easily is definitely wrong correlation. i am not any itnellgnt. but even i see abstract algebra as my current toy. though i am not intellgnt either. i want to state that this is possible. that such correlations are wrong i think. 

i think there are lots of Von Neumans out there. i am not any of them. i think Von Neumans both learn fastly and both process information fastly. i am not any like that. i think i am super stupid.but as told, learning fastly doesnt necessarily require being intellgnt. i am not intellgnt in any area out there. not gifted in any single area. but wouldnt change the way how i setup goals to me. i dont have to align how other people set up their goals, that they align their goals and their skillset. i dotn know but i do think not all people need to behave like that. cause i think intellgnce and easiness in learning are far away concepts. so i think my goals are quite achievable to me. actually abstract algebra or learning maths or physics in this age after some previous domain knowledge studies, kind of feels toy projects to me. but not that i am any intellgnt. as told easiness in learning is too far away concept to being intellgnt. its i wish people drop their constant viewpoints on how people should be. or weirds would continue to be weirds i guess even if others would think other ways (guh the weird).  i think physicists are most possibly super intellgnt. i just like physics and want to learn but as told i am not like Von Neumanns whom learns physics. i learn topics differently without being a Von Neuaman.  i dont have to be aVon Neuamann either (i wont be able to surely if i wanted either:P but i truly dont have to be nor would want to be. i mean ways people expect other people to devise their goals is truly rigid and bound to generalizations. as expected to miss outliers. i think all knowledge or bayesian knowledge out there is as by itsself subjective. all topics bayesian are very subjective. there is no right nor wrong in any bayesian topic i think or generalizations or outliers might be wrong. the bayesian never captures the entire truth i think. but its nice tool there that bayesian tools etc.  )

so to restate goals:

playing with that abstract algebra named toy. ok sorry for using such word which seems the underestimate the complexity of a field. i dont meant that.  but feels like lego. feels like being child again and playing introducing building complext things from simpler constructs experience again:) lego, the most fun childhood toy i think it were to me. and also creating clothes to toys i liked that aleso so much. abstract algebra feels like being a child and playing building ahouse with lego parts for the first time :)  i remember the feeling of fun of playing with a lego. building houses. abstract algebra study feels like that. its matter is made of such lego like blocks. feels like a toy. to try to change/define new buildings etc.

not that i am intellgnt any to setup such goal. i think there are outliers. (e.g. me like poeople that arent intellgnt and but could easily learn or such wanting to create such tools like new algebras. caus ewhy not. just why not. then goal is to rewrite physics frameworks with that.)

but first and first biking and traveling!. yayyy lets setup picnic stuff. cause tomorrow is rainy. 

yayyyyy my chalkboard comes on monday. ok i am not any intellgnt. but iw ant to be a scientist at home for a while while building this algebras topic. even boguht my chalkboard. (i know people would think i am underestimating complexities of areas like algebra. but to me everything needed none effort to learn ever in my life most of the time and in current age after studied some domain knowledge after, feels such goal could be setup now).  

i know it feels as i am underestimating ceomplexities of topics. i dont know. feels to me as not. and that its really doable that the goal i setup. (since i am an outlier i think, that both could learn easily and both is also very stupid person i am. ) (i am not gifted in any area ever.) (how i wish i were  gifted in an area. i am not. i am one of the silliest people you could ever had read. i am very stupid in every area out there. and not talented in any area. ) (i wish i were talented/intellgnt in sports or musics or science or painting. none talented in any of them. )