yepp :) hello world:)



ok invitation is over since my pal has other things to do/feels not so to do so i guess we both lack energy to attend some event hangingaround today:)

my  pal is like an angel <3. has name bilgin. she and her bf  i love to go to their home to hangaround with them usually :)
they are very nice couple i think:) 

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some topic:

 some  pal as i get has ms like thingy by the way(start of, nothing big impact of illness) but newly learnt there are a group of doctors that started to treat that with loadig body with very high d vitamin concentrations in controlled way. (A brazilian doctor is said to start that and it even treats people who get paralyzed due to that illness) d vitamin/b12 those doctors linked to this illness.

i have  another friend who has a further steps ms illness holding husband. so i would share this doctor groups note with them as soon as taking from cousin.

its super happy that some doctors figured out a way to fight with ms like thingies. finally.

so d vitamin/b12 vitamin is very important as i see.

i eat lots of cheese so i guess i might not be lacking.  but might be lacking since in the end it depends to enzymes and that doesnt fully always depend on taken food.



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by the way this pal is super sportive. i wish i were sportive like her. she looks to like having zero fat. and also i heard runs 10kms per day usually. i wish i also create such thingies like running.

i last day walekd alot.  i am happy for that. at toleast added a couple of walking thingy to my life:) an dits happy:)

one thing i added is taking a spirit or beer or wine when i am outside. and i also liked that:)   i fiiure out little bit drinking might be unhealthy i know but i liked it. people say even slightest degree of drink is unhealthy. but i liked it. i mean one beer a day l ike thing i do now. (before i drink nonesuch things). is not life too short to not do things we like? i mean even if even one bottle is unhealthy, i liked to add such thing to my day.  and beside i added also healthy things like walking alot /eating healthier /trying to reduce cholocate thingies i eat etc. i also stopped entirely  smoking thingy.  i smoked winston or marlboro. or alike. but i completely ended here because cigars have very scar.y covers here. In Turkey they also had covers which were scary. (pictures of lungs with problems  due to cigar or people not being able to breath with device). but here they are more scary. so i really stopped cigar due to the cigar covers here. it is really stopping. there are very disturbing things like amputated legs due to cigar picture or very unnice surgical scars due to lung operations for instance. there is no chance i ever smoke again after seeing such pictures on cigar covers:S



ths apple spirit i saw here looks tastes awesome.

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oone thing i loved to do here, taking an apple spirit and walking alot. i found a river to ride bicycle around. i think i would do that today.
i loved walking around that river last day.le

yayy in during the day  after studying i would go drive bicycle as told. i hadnt had rode any bicycle for ages. i wish i hadnt forgotten how to do.



i think i would buy a bicycle here since i want to lose weight. but in winter i guess i might not be able to use. so i guess in spring i would buy.


ok so planning day as:


- starts with coding thingies and at least 3 or 4 hours hanging around with coding
 - then i go outside and ride bicycle around as told maybe entire remaining day day.



------------------------------------


or maybe i should code all day since i am still not fully recovered. i mean riding bicycle, maybe i should postpone to week day. like after 6pm.



ok something went wrong in some algo and this weird triangulation happens:P

whether i should go to bicycling first or fix this first i wonder:

looks like with errors in triangulation algorithms, we could create sculptures like thingies:P  or bases to think on for such thingies:P
if this was gray scale all. might look such thing:P maybe?? i dont think but yeah. triangulation errors are fun i figure out:D

if inner part werent existing and this were a muti floor building cover, where inner part is differnt and that that its more rectangular,  it would be different building to live in:D
ok triangulation errors are fun for sure:D


ok games is super fun:) gives you a base creation material to think about in different forms like trying to change this to a structure:D

 take this for instance:D

if it were colors in grayscale with metal outcover, i might wanted such 3d object sculpture on my desk if it were little bit gone shear transform making it look like a cake. but standing on a tall metal rod and looking like flower little bit. but not as flower, kind of sheared too much and looks mere like cake also. and it would all look metalic. figure out it would be more fun if i had 3 d printer:D maybe there is 3d printing service here so might edit this model to create the sculpture i mention's smaller form. it would look like as if its fluid and falling down the base of structure. not falling down but little bit near to falling down.


ok this is all triangulation errors fun.:D

ok now bicycle fun time starts in 1hour or alike:) yayyy would ride bicycle beside a river:)

( art is like: even if ideas of it roots from triangulation errors, it adds fun to life:) even though this thing i shared is not an art :P since its not  creative nor any art:P  but its definitely fun :P )


ok i did bicycling sports for 1.5 hours in city center around gate' surroundings and it is awesome:)  i think for many years hadnt did bicycling sport.

ok i wish i lose the weight i took via this method of bicycling :)

i actually  never had rode any bicycle in city center before.


this city makes me feel as if i turn to my being kid years:) its alot fun:) like that climbing sports in door or outside climbing on ropes(check out mount mitte name and i am talking of that sport type). and also like bicycling in city ? its really fun. it feels as different to bicycle  in city center. it felt as doing something wrong also since  in places i lived bicycling in city center were not very popular. now i would get that it would take some time to make me grasp such thi.ng is ok here. its like driver seat position changes in Britain. i mean feels different i mean it would take some time to internalize this different to me type of fact. and it is definitely super fun:) it were super fun:) i figure out riding a bicycle is much nicer than walking. you get to place you need to go very fast.
walking looks as an inefficient activity wtr to bicycling.  but of course i guess walking is also necessary act to do for health/sports.


ok  i managed to get alot weight:P i wish i lose fastly  cause i dnt likethis state. and i wanted to look like healthy pal (she looks like having zero fat). as told she runs 10kms a day at times i been told.


.
i checked to see i only bicycled 12.5 kms. ok its ok for first bicycling act.  i next goal would be making it 20kms. yepp. if i do 20kms everyday of 3 days per week i wish i could lose weight fastly.  i cant believe how much fat i become. its super easy tto get on weight as i observe. its super super easy to very fastly get on weight. but today felt as if i lost  some in recent days


ok i would buy very thic coats and would do this bicycing thingy even in winter for times there is no snow.



ok i think goals in outfit set to: hmm rhinoplasy   and final fix of this nose thingy: 5 months later
hmm losing weight and trying to have sportive life: instantly, every week. (pal had such nice influence on me. she told  i could even succeed too run 10 kms. i dont think i can. bicycling looks easier. so 20kms bicycling looks easier than 10kms of running to me since i am fat. if i run/walk alot, my knees/foot hurt little bit.)


for art side goals, i figure out i could since i am quickly losing interest to drawing activities which takes time, i could focus on this 3d printing structures thing instead. but i should be creative in writing functions to create such structures. and i would limit art interest to sculpturing trials like that.

since i dont have patience to draw. but 3d is a place i have patience. (check this hobby game's development period, it takes a lot time). so i figure out, if i going to try art, i should try out 3d sculptures or animations and maybe 3d printing them.  i figure out i have patience unlike drawing in this situation.




 i did bicycle riding for 1:11:00 today also. and also ddnt took the bus from subway station and walked 2kms like path to home. :D yeah working so hard for sports since i figure out i constantly get on fat last 2 years. and i dnt like it. feels as i lost little bit. i think i would constantly do this bicycling thing for a long while. its both fun and not tirening like walking or running(since i am fat, running walking is quite tirening activities) and is an easy way for turning calorie sources to ATP.

i payed 11  Euros today to renting bike:) i think i need to buy a bicylcle isometime.  not now for sure but in near future i would buy. cause i figure out bicycle is my sport ishould do. cause running/walking i am not good at. my under eyes were always alot purple(after rhinoplasty 2 years ago)  now it looks healthier.  lesser purple. so reasons of coloring under my eyes were due to that i lack sport in life. i always looked like ill recent years. this purple coloring under my eyes. but now after  adding sports its better. so i need to make this bicycle thing a fact of my life. since i tried many sports all my life and not got good at anysports, seems as bicycling is easier and i could adhere to it more unlike other sport types i ddint succeeded in.

i checked 3d printing services. then decided in future i would buy a 3d printer:)

i am super happy my pal influenced me super good. she tells me some cute word that implies being fat also which reminded me i am really fat. i should stop being fat. cause i like being thin more. and pal looks cool wth alot sports and zero fat. so i try to exemplify her with adding sports to life:)
thanks to pal for influencing me to create a healthy life style:) i never thought i would do any sports in life. since sport trials always failed. but seems as bicycling is my sport i should  do.  (since its easier than other sports:P)






coming to exciting 3d printer project ideas. would work on. i figured out the are artists who create studies with 3d printing. and would investigate more such work. aha there is Bau Haus exhibition and also maybe biennial right? yeppp would check them also.

i think this 3d printing might be my thing in art side. like bicycling is my sports. feels as such easier (feels easier to me) form of art trials might be better suitng to me. cause drawing needs hours to work on. but i like to draw in 10 minutes at most.  i lack patience to drawing even if i like alot illustration studies. but creaitng 3d forms looked easier to do and i dont lack patience to that. so that might be my area in art. maybe i have no talent in any art area. but would try this 3d design /printing things this time. even if i like alot illustrations topic, i just really either i am ad/hd or i dont know but i lack patience in studying/working on  that. so even if i from my child times even, loved illustrations alot, i just lack patience to draw. but this 3d printing thing i would try:)

ok this listbuffer in scala, it seems to have problem? or i coded wrongly? lets check. it seems to work weirdly.


ok i have some art study notes which looked alot higher level than i ever knwo. i know nothing about arts. and that notes holds many references to art trends all over /names etc. it were kind of many level advance of my introduction level so should read but i dont expect to learn alot from that since i am quite beginner level. pre-beginner level indeed:)

the company i work in, has a big library of design/art. Saw Pollock's studies. its all about art avery big library. but its in other city. If i were there, i think would had chance to read them in free times

but since i am near to Bau Haus exhibition and also biennial, would sure check them.

i think i am interested to house objects fashion of ornaments  or sculptures as told. like sculptures on tables or in corners. or in gardens. cu rrently focusing on that area since it looked easier than drawing. drawing takes alot patience to do so.
even for an instant i can think many 3d sculptures in my head.  and if i leanr 3d toolkits it would be easy to implement them and 3d print them. so i figure out i should focus on things that come easier to me right? not the things that feel harder or that feel i lack patience for?(e.g. painting/drawing, i lack patience to them. i fooled myself for a time that i have patience to learn them. i dont. in a drawing, after 15 minutes i burnt out.  so lets focus on things that comes easy or a form of lazy art that is somehow faster created. that is for lazies like guhu :D since 3d objects design is kindof fast process and also 3d printing either, so, yepp, thats the goal. 
)


it would be super fun to buy a 3d printer:P in recent future.

i think neither painting nor drawing, my thing is 3d sculpting with 3d printers:) laziest form of art:P or easier form of art lets call that.


i am super exciting to create such sculptures to my home also. would also create suclptures with industrial 3d printers :) (i mean big sized sculptures:) ) my home would be small. so dream is to give them away after some time. and constantly creating ones. or storing them (future sculptures) in a rented garage like storage place. so thats the dream. dont know if could succeed in.

.
lets continue other related hobby to design thingy. this game thingy. this lisrtbuffer doesnt any work correctly.

i feel even from now, my art work wont be alot creative. but it would be for sure a nice hobby to study:)



i need to study and fix the listtbuffers problenm but have sleep. so would sleep for a while then maybe i wake up early and fix that.
this list buffers really dont? work as expected constantly? how could such instability happen? it must be working stable and i am doing something wrong? but it really works different. its as if memory is broken and behaves inconsistent? lets check tomorrow morning cause i dnt have energy to code right now.





ok today i hadnt rented bicylce. today i wanted to rest. its been 3 or 4 days bicycling every end of day and i am not fully recovered from flu like thingy so i cancelled the bicycle activity for rest of week. since i cough. not fully recovered.

and for continously renting a bicycle, i think i would buy a bicycle in near future even if this renting thing is awesome i think. i mean i might continue to rent bicycle when i need. but i think i would buy mine in some near future. would start with a cheap bicycle for sure.


i figured out, even if bicyclig has been  the sport i liked the most, i dont even like that. i think the thing i dont like about sports is i want to do something else in that time, like playing a game on my phone  or watch a tv show or watch a lecture.  i could do that in a park(whilst walking, listening lectures etc) i am used to actually if i find such park. did that before, its the most fun type of sports. but park shouldnt be populated and i should know the park so that i dont bump in to a wall or tree whilst both listening to lecture and both walking:D (i studied recotmmendation systems courseware from a university mostly whilst walking in a park, but as told, that park were a park i were used to and were small and it wernt populated so there were no risk of accidentally bumping on a wall etc:D) (thatss the only sport type i like, if i am doing something else beside sports, then i like sports, if i dont do anyother thing, i bore to death. it must be either a fav tv show or podcast or reafing something or some lecture). other people must be creative in finding things to think in sports like solving things? i dont know but i cant do that and when there is no secondary activity to do,i cant do sports i do once twice but then it becomes undoable. buut as told have to do, so should adhere to this bicycling thing either this or that way mandatorily. i put it as a responsibility to myself, as a mandatory task i should do (bicycling thingy:))


i mean the thing i dont like sports is that, not being able to do things i like whilst doing sports. and i dont get dopamin or serotonin from sports either(they say you get some degree of serotonin or dopamin from sports? hadnt felt i get any:S) bicycling even if had been the sports i like the most, i figure out i dont like attending any sports (guhu the lazy potato:P) but would mandatorily ride the bicycle thingy since i have to attend a form of sports either this or that way:P  (sports is a mandatory thing in life as i observe, otherwise i constantly get weight and also they say 
sports is really important).

ok riding bike in city center might be  super fun. it were fun even in night last  sunday.  but when i am not there, it felt unfun to try to ride bicycle.
by the way i really liked this renting a bicycle concept alot:) inside city transportation options added by startups, its a nice thing i think.

i ride in betwee 1:11 or 1 hours, so it takes  11 euros or 10 euros to rent.

but as told, riding bike for further days of week is cancelled. since i am ill and doing sports does not go together well:P first need to fix my health.

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ok quite exciting days ahead, in next month gonna rent a flat to myself:) i would feel happier living in my home as i were thinking renting rooms, i think i would instead rent a flat not a room.

i want my flat to be super small since i dont like cleansing things:P (to
req 1: it myst be easy to clean:)  so flat must be small. and i also cant rent a big flat also because it would be expensive for me also.  and also i want minimal area to keep clean:P
)

second requirement: it should not super far away from city center:)
cause i want to go to listen to operas which i never tried doing before and the opera building here took my interest:) and i want to attend cultural events of city life so also why shouldnt be far alot.




they say sports added dopamin/serotonin to life, in me it works reverse, i lack energy and want to sleep after sports. and also serotonin/dopamin feels as got lesser if i do sports? or felt like that yesterday. today i ddnt did sports and i am much fine. or its because i added a hard to do thing to my life and that felt as hard/though right?
normally i have very good levels of serotonin/dopamin. but last day or the  day  before last day, i felt lesser of that. not like depressed but i felt much lesser serotonin or felt life is harder. today i dont do sports and life is easy/happier:)

ok would get used to this difficulty  of doing sports but not with that much adding sports instantly to life. it were too much sports to me. i should add in a more easier way way not this super hard way of doing more than 1 hours of bicycling everyday.
maybe one day  would  ride more than 1 hour bicycle. but not today. should get used to sports slowly.



ok exciting things to do: renting the flat of my further months:)
and this hobby game project:)
and this sculpturing hobby i would try thats also super exciting:)

and i am happy i still like electronic music:) check out the last 7 minutes  of this track. i know it wouldnt be liked by lots people. but i am happy i discover i still like electronic music. i felt as one hobby is going away and it scared me. it is not happy to lose a hobby:S the things i like the most in life as told first is egalite / liberty :) second is my hobbies:P and also family/pals/friends. i missed my pal already:) she is my influencer. and i am suepr sad to learnt she has ms:S life is totally unfair:S its super happy that illness is at very init step not in further stages. feels likes she is like an angel hearted pal. i wish i could work in future medicine sector in super computers topic and try to fix illnesses like these. i never had a chance to talk with this pal all life since we live in different countries and now it feels super to have met. but i i am also innerwise super sad to hear she has ms:S i thought it were a dffrnt illness not that one:S but anyway its in very early stage. but she rejected getting treatment cause that illness' treatment has very bad side effects. but happy she had found a nonside effect holding new form of treatment with d vitamin. when i she said some illness, i took at as if its not ms. but something about muscles. never wanted to think ever its ms:S  i like this pal super much so it hurted to hear that its ms:SSSSSSSS not only for best pals, i would never even want to hear such illness to any person i dont like either:S  these illnesses must be treated some day.


ok i wont share my music with you blog readers this time:P snice this compilation's last part i like not the initial sections

not that i would design klein tubes in future in this arts hobby(id nt have such talents).  or anything creative as arts i would be able to in this arts part of my life. but still super excited  to this 3d sculpturing hobby :) and also printing those designs.
the mallaeble fabric of universe and many art toolkits, let this easier form of arts be my canvas:)  cause painting is super hard i think. though might did nice thing in my first painting trial:) like in first sculptuyring trial.  but just by chance:P they say that when you try something o the very first time, you can be lucky, though there is law of large numbers, so there is no rule in that i think so.  i .hadnt been super good. but it felt as something doable in first trials of painting/sculpture. and sculpture were a miniature sculpture of a Roman woman.  though second trial were failure (many many months after).

i have  infinitely many 3d design ideas:) as told it would be in house sculptures that would be 3d printed. first would buy a 3d printer that prints mini versions of the created things. and for ones i liked alot, would do buy industrial 3d printing service:)
in real life when you do create a sculpture you cant save the many versions of a thing. but in this digital arts thing things, i can inifinitely many save many versions and try lots of changes to sculptures.

want my lfe to be multiple dimensions. art hobby  apart of it. constant life long learning:  a part of it. game hobby  : a part of it. for instance, want to merge Euler's geometry definitions with sculptures i design in one sculpture.
i want to learn both of the worlds  i am ignorant about.

like geometry/like theoretical physics  *i dont know  if could learn that. but its another canvas of universe, there they try to design the meta design of things, possible universe explanations, which is onething i want to be   to understand about but have none idea if i would be able to).

i want to merge different things, even laziness with knowledge, would try to learn knowledge whilst being lazy at the same time


when my life really got super hard (when i added some sports to life) i felt as life is hard. then i stopped sports for recent future 3 days:P i dont know why but such change of life really drained my serotonin/dopamin whilst people say it increases uusally in sports.  i guess i become unhappy since i dont like doing sports and mandated myself to do sports. i am usually never unhappy. so that unhappiness moment were unnice. so lessons learnt: d fo sports slowly. not in such extreme way of it.


there is no need to make life hard. no need to add sports:P ok would mandatorily add little. i know sports for sport likers nothing of difficulty but a gift. but to me its a difficulty. but mandatorily have to do some level at least. i wish i were like people who like sports. my silly brain drains serotonin/dopamin instead of increasing when i do sports. i figure out i am not a sports person any. i wish i were because its a super healthy thing and actually necessary thing to do for health. today ddnt did any sports and i am happy again:) but the days i did sports i wernt happy and were lacking any energy after sports. so sports really makes me unhappy. (except the first day of bicycling).

there is quite existentialism in sport activities. you go over streets over and over again like sisyphus carrying that thing over and over again. so it kind of makes i dont know i ddnt liked that feeling of doing repetitive sports. it resembled existentialism to me. existentialism:  feeling of it is not good. but reading it might be fun. but feeling of it is not good. i wouldnt want to feel as existentialist. life is lots of things that are non repetitive. doing sports felt as feeling like existentialist person. so ddnt felt any good. it felt as if life is hard and repetitive. but actual life is super fun. but sports feels like an existentialist representation of life to me. its not any fun version of life to me. so would do sports as least as possible. or would try to find nonrepetitive sports.





so guhu felt like an existentialist in her very young times(18s-20s) after reading about it and since she never read no other things. but i never felt existentialism in my life after that. till doing that sports, it felt like feeling existentialism again. which i dont quite like to feel. life is super fun unlike whatever exihstentialists says. but life with sports feels like an existentialist version of life to me since i do find making sports similar to sisyphus being had to carry to carry that rock over and over and over and over again:S

so no sports to guhu. nothing of both hard & both repetitive thing to guhu:P

lessons learnt: ghu shouldnt do alot sports:P it reminded me of my existentialist mindset holding times(very long years ago, times when i were very young(my 18s of age/20s of age) ) which were not super happy


so i figure out the most difficult thing to me in life is doing sports:P  since it could succeed to make me unhappy last 2 days. (nnothign else could make me unhappy though :) ) so stopping sports thing and taking it to a slow fashion. i mean i wouldnt force  myself to do sports:)

today happiness is back. i figure out sports is the only thing in life that could make me kind of unhappy. never gonna do force myself to do sports to lose wieght faster ever again. i werint depressed but were unhappy, the days i did sports. so never gonna do repeat that again:S


i dont like repetitive things(if they are difficult and if they only serve to make me healthy or look good. (it doesnt purpose science or humanity either).  i mean it serves no super purposes either. of course my health is important to me. but its not the thing i care the most in life. i care liberty for instance the most.  i cant live a life with a feeling of lack of liberty as happent in stalk of stalker woman doing constantly stalking me outside. i cant live a life without feeling liberty. but i can live a life without looking super good or without looking cool. but liberty, that is the thing that matters most to me in life. i cant breathe even when my liberty is limited (e.g. since i couldnt go to outside since scaring of stalk of stalker woman before, it were like the hardest time of my life. because my liberty never gone away before. but after stalker woman constantly stalked me,  my liberty to go outside went away.  since i stopped going outside scaring of the stalker woman's stalk/sociopathy. luckily that horror movie of getting stalked ended. ).  ). like traveling the same streets over and over again with bike. i dont know wh1y i ma like this. the thing i dont like in sports is that. that existentialist feeling of repetition.  if it were an easy thing that wont matter. but being both difficult and both repetitive(and it has no super important purposes either), it makes sport unlikeable to me. but i guess if like other people if sports created happiness in me, i would like it i guess.

i do like listening repetitively musics i like:P. but sports doesnt create any serotonin in my brain like music. so i guess this is because of that that why i dont like sports and why other people like sports. it just doesnt create happiness in my brain like other people tell about. that must be my problem with sports.


anti-sports writings of guhu for why sports resembles existentialism ? no its just for people who dislike sports. i wish i were like people who likes sports.

(i guess i resemble anything i dont like to existentialism. since existentialism hurted my brain long years ago:P ) (in summary, guhu is a lazy potato:P for disliking sports:P)



ok lessons learnt: guhu never would force herself to do sports ever again:D since it felt like feeling existentialist again like 19 years ago:SSSS feeling like an existentialist is not any good feeling for sure. cause life is not repetitive actually. tons of things to learn exist. tons of things to create exists. and i wish sports also created dopamin or serotonin in my brain so i could do it whilst its a difficult thing  to do.


wonder the new level of existentialism that automation would create. we shouldnt have computers that does creative tasks. some creativity should be left to humans. if no creation chances exists, what kind of existentialist hell we would be locked inside in?
we shouldnt have gans designing creative type of tasks. otherwise my arguments against existentialism would drop. automation should create more free time to humans. but humans should be still needed to do creative tasks.
if not, what kind of life it would be i wonder?this is my idea on automation. its great that it would create alot free time to humans. but its super bad if no creativity place would be  left to humans. if gans creates sculptures to me, what would i do in my hobby time? what would life be left to me as i know life is? maybe life would evolve like that so i would call other things as hobbies in such version of life. maybe thats what things would happen as.



 

hey hello blog readers:)

as told  i am ill, my health detoirated more. my ear hurt my hurting thing this time switched to ear, right ear, i wonder when i would ever heal.
i just have travel health insurance and my real non temporary insurance here is built on the way, but ddnt wanted to deal with going to hospital. thought it would heal in time. i wish so. but heals. then i either travel too mcuh or just did too much sports (2 days ago) then i become ill again, everytime i gulp, my right ear hurts .ops. this illness, when it would heal? though its all my fault. everytime i felt i healed, i did either too much walking/sports or traveling. so it never heals for 2 weeks. or it would make scars in all my throat/inner ear? this bacteria or virus? is it flu? or what? have none idea till i go to hospital.
maybe i should go to hospital.

---
ok this weekend no traveling nor doing sports.




thouhg other than this hurting ear, i feel nice. i found tabulee salad today  and ate it even with the fact that ear hurt everytime i gulp whilst eating the food:P



the problem with my life is, i dont like living in other people's house. i wish to move to flat i would hire.  I am so glad that i have a flat/a relative whom hosts (whom is not evenhere is in Turkey but they given me the keys. nice people. (close relatives))  so i live in close relatives house. i am super glad to that, but i want to move to my own flat so bad. because i dont feel i belong to this house, i feel myself as a guest (Even if houseowners gave me the key and are in Turkey) i mean i figure out i like the concept of my own flat. my own house or my own flat. i figure out, the concept of renting a room is not super for me. (as i told i might do such thing in future, i think i wont do unless i had to).  i feel as i would break a thing in kitchen, i feel as i am dirtying their home whilst using home normally, i ddnt liked any living in other people's homeever. its my first time i live temporarily in another people's house, and i cant get used to. i feel as i would accidentally break something in kitchen(that by the way house owners wouldnt care of course). or i mean its that i dont feel i belong here. i missed living in either parents home or my own flat setting. i dont like living in another people's home any. even if they arent here by the way, i dont feel any relaxed in this house. even if house owners are like angel like people. i just dont like living in another people's house any.
ok i figure out i dislike my state of life in that, that living in another people's house for last 3 weeks. and its too far away from work. even  if its easy to go to work. maybe i would find a flat from a place thats close to my workplace. or close to subway station of it.


ok soon things would resolve i infer, soon i would live in my own flat. cause i really dont any like living in other people's house any:S
i want to rent my small flat asap:) that i would feel as home/call as home:)
ii figure out renting a room concept as told is not any for me. something i talked of doing but i figure out its not possible. i dont like to stay in a home thats not mine or not rented by me.
hmm goals: finding such place near to city center. since i wanted to go to opera and all nice such concerts there:)

ok last day due to blogging i couldnt work on any  hobby :)


ok if i wernt ill i figure out my life would be easier:) this illness made life kind of harder.

but my life is much 10000000x more easier than its previous state cause i am over ptsd of getting stalked by a stalker woman.

my life is kind of little bit hard (but much easier than last 3  years) due to the fact of not being healthy recently and since i dont live in my own flat. but its far 10000000000000x times far better than the ptsd of getting stalked by a stalker & scoiopath woman.  i had a sociopath stalker woman stalking me for many years. its the worst thing that ever happent in my life. so even if my life is little bit hard its much more easier than last 3 years. its much much much better state. my life were normal. then a stalker woman stalked me for 3 years with maniac acts against me and it turned to a nightmare with ptsd also. now it passed. both ptsd and both getitng stalked by stalker woman. so my life is super good wtr to last 3 years even if its little bit hard. its super much easier than last 3 years. i mean i am quite happy of life even if its  alittle bit hard tiny little bit hard (thats because due to illness/not having parents beside/and that i dont live in my flat yet). but its much better than having ptsd.i had healed of ptsd.maybe it wernt ptsd but just were trauma? dnt know. anyway, everything is great now except being ill and except living in other people's home temporarily/


so life could be very hard sometimes, sometimes its tiny little bit hard like now. but its nice :) but would be nicer if this illness heals. (ear hurt today. i guess it would heal tomorrow this aches behaves like this. heals the other day. then happens in 2 days after again since i do lots sports the day before.anyway. i figure out it would heal if i dont do sports alot. i am inclined already to not do any sports as you readers see:D i wont do rode any bicycle for at least 4 days)


yayyy i still do sports though. i walk to home when i return. lets check how many kms it is. i walk it for since its the only left sports and i kind of liked it:)
 .

aha its only 1.5km:) nice. at least 1.5 kms per day.


ok lets continue on game hobby today:)
have task of turning buffer lists to lists or alike.
might have to go to hospital due to this hurting ear thingy. lets take some ache pill today before. even if i drank a super tasty drink named rebling. it is both alcohol both juice soda. kind of coctail? yepp is as. & sold in markets. made me tiny little bit drunk now:) not super much. so i infer i could take the ache pill for this hurting ear thingy.



i fall asleep for 1 or 2 hours and my ear aches less now after taking painkiller. now hobby time:)
this illness must had happent because i stopped eating peppers. i ate lots of peppers before. here i newly resetup my life but bought no peppers yet.

peppers are full of c vitamin :)  i really ate lots. here hadnt bought any yet.


ok now hobby time.
had fall asleep a couple of hours means: i took my sleep. and my ear doesnt hurt super bad when i gulp now. yayyy the nice medicine things (took only a painkiller and yepp now i can gulp without my ear hurting alot)



ok feels exact time to fix the code. have both power to study some hobby and have no sleep.



yayyy thought recent days of first holiday if i pass probation period in my company i work for:)
yeppp its winter holiday:) its hiring a car and traveling alps in France:)

i would do rent a car (for 2 or 3 days) then first would go there with either train or plane. then would rent the car there near the mountain places.  and travel for 2 or 3 days in snowy times:)
 :)
of course by those times, i would have no cough of this flu? whatis it i dnt know. and i would be healthy so i can travel and do plan such holiday :)
maybe i find friends and go together? maybe pal and her bf? would definitely ask.

but first have to rent my home. then also have to pass the probation period. then this holiday's time comes:)

i like also adventure of alone traveling:) maybe i would say to noone:) it feels kind of exciting to drive a car inside nature (a road in mountains) i did that once. (Whilst driving to Antalya. i hadnt knewn roads. the gps sent me from roads who noone uses (thnking its shorter to go to Antalya from there) but it were roads that only one car can pass and passed mountains where it were 3am of night or 4am. and it were lightening alot/lots of rain pouring and i could at most hit the pedal to 20km or 30kms since there is a lot curves in road (its a mountain side road that noone uses. the gps's brain were confused i think:) it werent definitely not any short road to Antalya:) (since could at most go at 30kms :D)
i wish so bad pal and her bf accepts this holiday plan on the time it happens. it would be fun to go with them:) it wouldnt be fun alot to go alone i think. i am finished of this alone traveling mood:) i liked to travel alone:)  but i do think traveling with people is more fun now after such mood for a time:) there is this solo traveling's captivating things like traveling places i only like(that i dnt travel places i dont like). but feels as i liked pal and her bf alot(they are a very cute couple) and i wish so bad they also attend:) but for this to happen, need to pass probation period and been had rented a home by that time:)

ok so grateful to medicines/doctors. as my ache passed with painkiller thing:) oh it were shitty levels aching when everytime i gulped. and it were aching thing is my ear's innerside. it felt super hard to confront ear ache. i hadnt been such ill for ages. i think its because i stopped eating peppers. and forced myself to do sports. which i never did that much before.
it still hurts this ear thingy when i gulp. but at 0.001 level of its 2 hours ago state:)


ok some decisions:
i wish i get thinner and fnd a bf later on and then we travel together:P i am finished with this traveling solo thing:P 

dont know if i cld find any bf and from where:DDDDDDD maybe from art exhibitions or maybe art courses? dnt know. its for sure to have a bf i shld be more into events etc:P

and beside i am nt btfl. maybe i wnt fnd any bf either:P  bt felt as its the time to be  not alone. since i am finished with alone traveling. would hve been nicer to travel non alone:)


ok dfntly pal is an influencer. since she has a perfect relation, this made me also wnt to have a rltnshop :P like she is thin,  i wnted to be thin. for sure she is an influencer :)

maybe i fnd a bf from famous party events here. they say there are lots of parties here. but heard none yet:P
bf requirements:
 shldnt be alot handsome so that i wnt be super inferior complexity holding
shld be at least as old as me for sure.
better if is tall:D since i have height complex:D
shld be at least as intellgnt as me. means would have at least normal intllgnce level. (maybe be i am low iqqued, then that means should hve at least same low lvl iq as me:))

ok where are these party events? how can i find a bf whom i could travel together? and if things go well we could be more thn that. like cute couple pal and her bf...

being old and fat(having got fat is a recent thing). i dnt have courage in even talking to people alot.  anyway. mybe wld find some mybe wont be able to:P ok after ii heal lets see those parties people talk a lot of. mybe i fnd smne to travel with in further year from there? that a person who also searches someone to travel with (whm dsnt like being alone etc). i am finished with this constantly alone traveling thing:) i dnt wnt to be alone in next travel destination i go:) i am really finished of solo traveling thing. do people be couples because of that? to have someone beside whilst travlng? :P ok i know its not like that. but this time i really feel as i am really sick of being constantly alone.

 

there is a party concept here like a dimension that people are lost in to:D a friend said, he used to had a pal whom he could never see now since is always in parties:)  (told as if lost his pal to another dimension:D ) they talk about recurring lots of many of parties here:) where are these parties? :)


things i wonder about relationship thingies:
if i have  kids would they resemble me. i dont wnt them to:D since i figure out i might be holding some autistic traits? i wrnt like that before in my young times either.   thats one thing to know before having kids in future. cause this future things i wonder whether if i shld have kids or nt in future.

maybe its because my granddad were epilepsy that i am little like autistic? i figure out i have autistic traits or asperger traits i dnt know which one. so thats a big reason to not wanting to have kids. but maybe i am wrong. maybe autistic person could have non autistic kids? i dont take autism as a bad thing dont know surely if i have it either. but feel like i have sub traits of it. but dnt like it. so reason i wndr if i shld be in to reltnships things or not.

myybe i am nt autistic but lack self confidence. dnt know. anywy. have none idea. i try to understand what it is.


----

ok so goals stack includes beside hobbies (that i ddnt worked today still) losing weight and trying to find a bf cause i am sick of traveling alone. i am finished with solo traveling thingy. if i go to France, wnt to go there wth a bf this time. i am sick of this being alone thing. i feel like an weird since i am alone. whilst all other people like to be all nonalone.
so should go to parties and maybe i fnd smne frm there. where else i cn fnd a bf i dnt know. i do think parties is nice place. cause if one likes parties, must be a non uninteresting person.  i actlly dnt super like parties things. but i guess i mght fnd a bf frm parties or might not. who knows. 

or maybe traveling solo is not a bad thing as i thought like today.  i mean i thought as if it is unnice to travel alone?  i just feel i am super sick of traveling solo thing.  or like me being alone also now whilst i were ill. if i hdnt had medicine i wld had ache all night. but if i hd a bf, would care aftr me. hmm i think i am more into this idea of fndng a bf thingy :P

 maybe i fnd bf from an art event:P but then our child would be crazy as me and him:D (since art people like to deviate little bit from normal mindset:P (take instance for me, i dont like sports, or find sports existentialism resembling act, is it any normal idea? :D ) but i would loved to have a diffrnt child like me:) or normal child unlike me. ok figure out i also want to have a kid.

ok so i should blend both to art events or parties etc so that i also have bf like other people. and maybe have kids in future if our reltnshp grows. 



(but maybe i wnt be able to fnd a bf and be always lone xD who knows:D i really dnt know:P )

i wndr how my kid would be? :) would he or she be stupid like me? :) and unrelated to that, would he/she be lost to existentialism ideas in 18s? or would be like me?
wld be able to draw nice? (my dad draws nice. i draw little bit nice. mybe should find someone who draws nice:D so kid also draws nice:D but n the end might not be able to draw nice still :D  in the end i resemble my grandma also, and we dnt know if she knows to draw nice:D)

thought and decided i want my future kid to be an artist. either painter or sculpturer and a modern arts establisher beside. though it might not happen whether i marry w ith an artist guy or not. i mean its just kind of chance. though our family has strong art genes though my ali bro seems to have math skills strong and not art side. so its just chance. i mean as sister brother we dnt any resemble in that. he is super intellngt i am not. and i am into arts he is not. i mean if there is strong art talent in our family, my bro would also be into arts?
so dad's drawing nice genes passed to me but not to brother. so its just chance. like him taking the super intellgnce in maths/science and me having mediocre or lower than mediocre intellgnce level in those.

hmm i figure out i dnt need to marry an artist to have a kid who is artist cause if resembles me, would dfntly have an art hobby(i drew clothes all my childhood and family hadnt been ever interested in enhancing my art skills. to them art wrnt super priotized (Since they wnted us to have some job that has constant pension). for such idea of thinkgn art is not priotized:  i dnt any share. i think me being a weirdo is related exactly to tht fact. nonconformity to normal concepts etc(like being subsumed by existentialism in 18s. none of my nonartist friends were interested to such things). and i dfntly wished i had gone to a school that both holded art and science education at the same time. had gone to a school that  lacks both:P ) . but if resembles me and if i am autistic, then wld make him/her autistic too:S so dnt wnt kid to resemble me any if i am autistic. i dnt know if i am nor neither super interested to learn whther i am or not. :D
bes
in this blurred future of automation, a child shoujld have various skills to survive in era of automation. so i wish my child boths be intllgnt and both have kind of creativity inside. but wish wont take  autistic genes if i am autistic. i dnt know that either. (there is this designer babies concept right? maybe by the time i might really have chance to control that, dnt know if i am autistic either:D) 

so i decided, i wnt kids or maybe just one kid in future.


and i also decided i wnt a rltnship in my life since i am super sick of being alone. i am defntly super  sick of solo travelng thingy.



its like when i draw to nephew some cartoon characters, they say "aunt draws very well:) " (from her mom) i think thats the cutest validation i ever got in my life for my  little bit existing art talent. my parents never got interested to priotizing that. i think ever drawing all my childhood time clothes drawings, and not getting an education in that seems weird. but i figure out one doesnt have to get education mybe? i do think at young times one should get education if has little bit talent. cause in old times you have lesser patience to learn some things.





ok i am sick of this having kids topic also. i think i wnt date anyone for to have best kids:D this topic is sick in that. i already got bored of talking this topic:S
ok now fndng a bf also felt boring. solo travelng feels interesting now.

why dont we have 400-500 years of life. so we could have enough solo traveling silent lifes(alone) and also other nonsilent life thingy:)


i also like being solo. and also dnt wnt to be alone in further years. wished life were longer so that;  both periods could exist alot. i had once such goals of genetic engineering targets. but its postponed to further years. i had dreamt of making life longer. or searching if its possible to make life longer. had still such long term dream. but not in local time frame.i like to set up such crazy dreams to myself for long future. like stopping hurricanes topic:P and like this thingy of genetic engineering. i would never be a normal person who talks normal things? i also talk normal things like losing weight.
whilst i know i am not any little bit super intellngnt but that is not a limiting thing to dream such crazy dreams.

ok i dnt know if i wnt to try to fnd a bf in life.
but i am also sick of solo traveling.
so result? dont travel whilst you are confused. i think i would focus to hobbies whilst i dont know what i want in life. hobbies are my default top most activity anytime but i think finding out what we want in life is also confusing at times right? is it like this for everyone else?


why i query everything in life? why i cant live without querying anything as it is:S this situation of inner eye of me asking analyzing everything everymoment. why it is like that? the symbolic interactionist perspective i took on. to everything? why i do hold such perspective? i just cant play the game of life like others do, i always query why. and its a curse i think. if you think having a bf is a thing in sociological terms, you cnt live the thing of having a bf as others live it. this inner eye i have which always queries in sociological things it stops me living a normal life like other people.

for instance there is a fashion of some thing thats followed, if bf follows that fashion i would ask why do people collectively follow some patterns of behaviors at times? i cant stop my inner eye asking these queries. what is the meaning of having a bf for instance is another query? (in schopenhauer terms for instance).
i of course sometimes fall in love. and forget this curse of always asking sociological queries to the context i live in. demeaning meanings asking meanging creation mechanisms and trying to udnerstand such things.

i have a sociolog inside my brain. not that my sociolog is any intellgnt either by the way . i just have a sociolog.  in this trying to understand meaning/reality production mechanisms of life,  art is a resort to  me i think. its finding aliens like me. cause artists are also weirdos. reason i am interested to humanities is also this. since i have a constant such process in my mind not that mine is an intellgnt sociolog but there is a constant such thingy. i am not any intellgnt. and mine sociolog isnt super intllgnt either.

luckily happilly pepole created lots of info on these areas so i can read alot so could learn alot. 



maybe lots other people have such inner sociologs. must be it like that. i shouldnt be the only one like that.
i have a super power to make demeaning of interactions people do. like finding bf. i talked as if i want one. but when i thought deeply,  i dnt know if i would like to adhere to that partying things/that interactions things.
i have an inner sociolog, thats mean, when i draw i predict what talent level i get and i get bored of drawing. i think of pictures i would draw and say why try.
i mean i think of illustrations best done and i say ok i would do that, then what, then i dnt want to do drawing afterwards.
this mean sociolog is also impatient, when i study  science i dont want to solve exercises used in chapters.

when i tried to build a datacenter startup, this mean thing predicted what kind of startup it would be and ddnt wanted to adhere to such acts of tiresome. its a prediction of future constantly and i left buildng the staetup i were since i cldnt make it a fun startup either.

ok of course bf thing must be fun (in love thingy) but just going to a party and finding a bf just for to travel with seemed so lame. this mean sociolog of mine is not mean in that. or maybe is wrong. dont know.
and building a fun startup topic exists. i mean ndata center startup were really a boring idea:D i mean my sociolog inner sociolog might not be any mean actually:P




hey  i thought i think finding a bf from parties is insane were insane idea:D ok i know i dont like ainy traveling alone anymore. i want to travel nonalone maybe with my family in future.

hmm so for bf: i think i might be forever alone :D cause i figured out i either want an artist bf who does paintings/sculptures or a bf who would code the hurricane stopping like projects with me. and since i might be holding slightly (i wernt like this when i were young) autistic traits, i wish bf has none such traits.

i do think it would be nice to have a bf whom we would work together like coding things to stop hurricanes.

so finding a bf from parties? nope i might find such bf from parties but i might not also find. so why do i should go to parties whilst i am not super interested to.  i am old for parties. i feel old for goign to parties. i know its not any age related, to setup a party etc (i mean i know old people also hold parties. i mean i can parties which old people like me go. of course not any interested to parties of young people.)   but the thing is i dont have energy to go to parties. would prefer going to opera etc. but when i were young, i also liked parties thing alot like other people.
so its unreasonable to do something i dont like alot (going to parties) only for to find smeone in life so that we could go travel together in future.

maybe being alone when traveling is not that bad? but i in further years want to travel not alone maybe want to travel with my family:) i felt as when i wanted to go to France Alps as next holiday, i thought it would be nice to be not alone.
but i might not be able to find any bf whoo is interested to coding to stop hurricanes together till that holiday:D

currently economic situation is not any appropriate to go to any holiday :P but in 2 months i think i would start traveling in weekends some weekedns. but i dont think i can fastly find a bf whom codes to stop hurricanes with me:) so i might be forever alone since i have too much requirements for bf:P
i want him to have crazy projects like mine:D and also even doing such crazy projects together:) like hurricane topic.


so if i found a coder whom is at least as old as me, who is at least intellgnt as me (means he could have low iq like me:) )  and he is interested to do crazy projects, it wuold be super fun to have bf as. since we would like same things in life then. which would be nice.  i want kind. of same communication range thingy. similar topics thing. i dont like a bf thats super different to me any. i want to code hurricane stopping things together with future bf. or his crazy projects.communication range: since i am not high iqqued he neednt be high iqqued. but we should could talk similar things which would had been nice. i am not like people who seek differences in relationships. some people like to date people different to them. i dont like. i like bf to be in similar communication range things. or similar topics etc.
so i might be forever alone:D cause its not easy to find someone alreadily and putting some requirements to searched person makes it harder to find someone. so i might not be able to find and stay forever alone and have to code my hurricane stopping thing my own self alone:S i wish i find a bf and dont do such crazy projects alone in future:P  and i am really isick of travelling alone. i want to go to hotels with my family in future not as a lone person.

ok traveling alone is fun but when you do breakfast alone in a hotel whilst neveryone inoone around is not alone is kind of depressing. it is the sad part of traveling alone. of course it has good parts like traveling whatever place i want in time i want. but the lone breakfast and dinners are really sad. and seeing families. i think time has came to construct a family for me too. snce i am interested to such things since i really find traveling alone sad. it were fun before. but i am over the fun part of solo traveling good parts (like not waiting people to go to a place and do decide all decisions all by myself) and i think i also like to construct a family like all others:)
but i might sgtay forever alone since i expect alot requirements from bf. like liking things i like like trying to stop hurricanes. so due to that i might be left out n life to forever alone state. since i put weird requirements to bf. so that we would both have crazy projects to work on in sometimes. dont have to be hurricanes but things complex things. like hurrican elike things.

i wernt like this before. before i liked to date people that arent any i do share any common interest that are dfntly frm far away jobs. but i dnt know why but as i get old, i do think being similar seem more fun to me than being completely different. of course everyone has differnt subjective ideas in this topic. i mean its totally subjective topic. some people like differences some people dnt like. its all subjective.


by the way, by communication range words i. dont any mean i am any high iqqued. its just about topics i like to talk about. other than that i am not any high iqqued, either mediocre level or low iqqued i am as i get.



hmm of course i need to get back thin.
but i am really finished of solo travelling thing.
next time i want to go to a traveling i dnt wnt to be alone.
solo traveling's excitement of deciding own decisions only own is over.

i want a family:) want to travel with my family:P but first need to get to thin state back. and i might never be able to build any family since if could find noone who likes me and also who likes to or plans to code crazy things like stopping hurricanes. or such projects:P crazy and complex projects i mean:P kind of searching someone crazy like me:P (crazy for since believing could stop hurricanes :P want to havesuch person in life. a person at least as crazy like me:D) (i figured out i cant like any person thats not crazy as like me:) bf should be at least crazy as me:D)

reaosn i have  a sociolog inside is there is noone as crazy as me beside me:D i mean when if someone as crazy as me is in my life, i wont have a commenting sociolog for disliking the normal behaviors. i only like crazy people:D

though of course i might be alone forever due to that:D  that whilst finding someone who loves me is not easy  task, i put requirements as guy being crazy as me(like planning to create crazy things like trying to stop hurricanes or trying to live 400 years or more) or such crazy projects:P

ok so this is relationships goal: finding some crazy guy like me & who likes me :D  (i might not be able to find of course. then i would be a single crazy:P )
---------------



ok lets continue on one hobby project:)

ok honestly i think after i read asperger syndrome i think i might be an asperger. but i also have emphaty. but also reason i asked why i am autistic is i dnt like being in crowded places like subways and i wanted to carry sunglasses. i since dont going outside for 2 years, this instant entering to crowd again, and me wanting to wear eye glasses in entering crowdd again, made me wondered if i am in autism spectrum.
i am not like that in other crowded places. but in subway i dont even want to take off my eye  glasses ever. so i really might be in autism spectrum.

but i also have emphaty. so that confuses things for me for understanding why id ont like to take off my eye glassess in subway when i am alone there. but in workplace i am not like that.  but when i am alone in outside when i feel alone i want my eyeglasses to be on as i see after for after long time i discover. i thought i were social phobic. but maybe i am just  on autism spectrum.
it were kind of hard for me to discover i have such deficiency of phobia. so i ddnt wanted to have childs thing were said due to that.
but then i thought, whats the problem if i wear sunglasses in subway .  maybe after n times being in crowd again, i would get used to this taking off eye glasses thing. but the thing is, when i am self confident i dont want to wear eye glasses. its only when i lack self confidence. when i have self confidence i have no such problem. its when my usual self confidence level. in my usual state i lack self confidence. but when i have self confidence i dnt feel i would feel more confortable wearing eye glasses.

i dont know if this is a full life time thing. this wanting to  wear eye glasses in metro.
i were super saad discovering that. and ddnt wanted to have childs who also wants to wear eye glasses whwn in subway in overcrowded places in normal self confidence level..
i am wondering if this state would persist or woould go away.
but made me super sad for sure.
but today i relaxed saying what if i temporarily or full life time want to wear eye glasses in subway.

the thing is differnt in me or not different who knows. maybe
 i am just a usual asperger. who knows.

i have emphaty alot. not kidding. when mom or someone feels pain i feel as if i would pass out. i have super strong mirror neurons. its not related to emphaty lacking thing in me. but might be another form of autism? or lack of self confidence super much?  cause i know when i have self confidence i dont show such things. its only when i lack self confidence. so my situation in understanding analysing my situation is complicated to me. but i ddnt wanted to know if i am autsitic or not in the end:P

for not liking to talk routine talks alot with other people, if people talk of topics i like like thermodynamics topics or ai i would like to. but when they  are going to tell me their bf problems to me i just dont quite iget interested in listening so.
so not being in to other people's talks is not because i dont hold emphaty, i just dont have lots of people around who like to talk topics i like to talk.
or philosophy. or linguistics or anthropology. i like to listen such topics from people. not other people's bf issues nor their problems in workplace from their bosses or colleagues or other routine topics. not that i am any suoer intelligent, but daily life topics really bore me talking of them etc. so reason i dont socialized alot is first becauses last 2 years i had a  stalker woman stalking me, secondly i am fsaved from that finally its super happy  for that, but the other thing is usually people talk of topics i dont like to quite listen about. so i instead like to open anthropology podcasts from universities instead which is actually more interesting than listening a girlfriend's bf issues or ossues in his/her workplace. other issues i dont know the general life topics i mention about.


so for me it were really hard for me to discover that as i entered subway i feel more relaxed when i continue wearing sunglasses. it were really hard for me to continue wearing eye glasses.
but the thing is it happens like that in my usual super self confidence lacking state which is my usual state most of the time.

i am reverse of lacking emphaty. every sentence i talk i get lost in thinking remote side's emotions for sentences i said. i walk on a thin line when i talk to other people overthinking not to break their heart with anything i say. wheni talk in daily talk, i always super scare of saying anything that breaks person's heart. cause as told, i have super developed mirror neurons. i dont know why its like that. it sometimes even confuses my head in that. that i get lost in figuring out what to say what not to say for not to break heart in daily talk. cause i know, for instance when i see someone feeling pain either emotional or physical, i feel the same pain. so this overthinking process i cant stop in my daily talk that even confuses my own head. my talk daily talk is done by a supervisor process that constantly analyses whether my sentences are rude or not.cause i scare of creating emotional pain. cause i am really like a connected human being when i talk to you as if my brain is connected and as if i am not separate individuality but care the other side's feelings emotions uppermost.

this overthinking thingy i want to switch off many times. its lesser when i am kind of angry to sometopic in my head or i am super self confident. but in rest times there is this overthinking process that i would try to switch off in future since it creates unnice behavior i think.

so the thing is, wanting to wear eye glasses thing in subway (a place where is crowded and i feel alone) were kind of super hard to me. i wondered if i am asperger. maybe i am who knows. but my usual behavior to cope with such things is not learning. i dont like such things. or categorizations people build.



and reason i told this topic is kinda sad.

its because, there is someone, that we shouldnt exist. that i truly am not any good enough for.  deserves much betters. so whilst falling in to such topic, i wanted to stop any such discussionnvia telling such internal too much information topic.

and talking of finding bfs is also due to that. since i wanted to cut that relationthing possibilities completely. even if i liked. cause i truly dont deserve. so for to end, i followed such thing. cause i saw he might be still interested, so wanted to end with telling things i dont like in me. so reasons i toldthings like this is that.

normally everyone has an instinct to hide their defects. i reversed that. because someone should forget me if likes me. cause i dont deserve him any. and for that i started talking of my things i dislike the most.


sometimes life is like, we want to stop things even if we are interested to. if we truly  dont deserve someone.  and its hard even for ourselves. to try to do such act. but sometimes things cant happen any.

i figure out to deal with such situation which is also kinda of hard to me since i feel interest, i followed a very different way, i do some steps which are irrevertable.
 told about my deepest things i dislike the most.
cause i not saying this any for like its usual said context. i really dont deserve him. not in any sense of meaning of,not any in usual i dont deserve you sense. its not i am trying to hide any dislike. i like. there is no dislike. but i truly dont deserve. thats the thing. so i started putting to table my deepest things i hate about myself. so that i end any possibility. so he stops liking me if likes. so that this thing if exists ends.


i wish he finds love from someone better than me.


ok people dont make life complicated by showing interest to a person who dont deserve you. life is funny in that. life becomes sad in that. dont make life complicated please.

its not becauses of emphaty i talk like this. its i really dont deserve. he really deserve much betters than me. this time this is not emphaty talking in this situation emphaty never talked. i really dont deserve him any.

so to end it if exists, i followed a dramatic way.  of putting things i dislike the most in me to here. and also trying to say i moved on beside. cause i should move on. i truly dont any deserve any little bit.
so all the confusing things i written yesterday today were due to that. to try to stop some topic. cause i really dont deserve. not said in sense people use that sentence mostly. this time i truly dont deserve.


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i think i find a bf whom is some one i wont have self inconfidence to/against. someone causal like me (not any kinda famous) and someone who wants to stop hurricanes like me (or lking such projects etc), (since visible i only like unconventional people:P  i liked him since he is also unconventional. but the thing is i truly dont any deserve him. so to end his like against me if exists, i put all thin gs i dont like about myself to table.  so trying to make him silently dislike me if he likes me (trying to make this silently. cause i cant handle this situation. its better we never exst. and its because of me. i dont any deserve him. he deserves much better people. not saying such sentence ever because of emphaty. its because this we cant exist ever. so kind of better to end any such process of affection.  i tried to make him dislike me silently. but had failed in doing that seeing other people misunderstood what i written very weirdly. so had to explain why i talked such weird topics. )


i should find someone casual like me. so .that i wont feel as i dont deserve.

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ok i dnt know if am aspie? i have strong mirror neurons also? .
but maybe i am a diffrnt form of autism spectrum?  since i am not good in sports any. i am only good in skating like things. not super good but kinda good.
 maybe its lack of self confidence or autism, the trouble that troubled me(wanting to wear eye glasses in subway). dont want to learn what it is either. i dont feel like that when i have self confidence. so might be a temporary state. or maybe i am a diffrnt form of autism spectrum.  i truly have none idea and dnt either wnt to learn either.



ok agenda for myself: 

for daily talks with other people, that for instance when i talk with a pal:
stop that overthinking process in brain asap. stop that supervisor process of constantly thinking of perception of other person's emotions/feelings inside talk and trying to constantly be unrude. as if people i talk has brittle heart and i scare of breaking it in every daily talk i make. its like as if my brain gets connected to the person i talked person's brain and i scare of hurting. i think its kind of identiy definition? i have weaker identity definition than other people so in daily talk i become as if 2 brained person overthinking too much of other person.


my problem might be that. identity definition/separation? i have weak identity definiton maybe. so i feel as all. maybe its why i want to wear sunglasses.

you know people feel a sense of being all? its my maybe usual state of inner life. like other people also become connected to me(of course conceptually). i lack separation. i feel sense what others feel sense. overthinking what they see /feel
i need to fix this. this makes me wanting to wear eye glasses. ths makes me talk inconfidently since i overthink whilst talking n many inner revisals of what i say inside when i talk in daily sentences.

ok this lack of separation of identity (i mean thinking for all people ind aily tasks),  it must be rooted to being raised by nannies and since it were told they ddnt behaved well. or its genetic? i dont know but its for sure i should fix.

i dont physically of course be connected to other people:D its just i think of what they perceive of me. so that somehow virtually connects me to their brains. not into their brains. but in my brain i virtualize n many what those brains are thinking of me. or n many how i should behave not to be unrude. and this creates lots of troubles to my daily life. starting with wanting to wear eye glass in subway.

i see constantly my self in everypeople\s eyes in outside. in subway its crowded so i feel overwhelmed by such feeling as i get. i need to stop this virtualization process of what people see in me.
its like as if i am all always. not just me. i mean constantly also seeing with other people's eyes constantly. but in daily routines like in subway. or in daily talks. constantly a virtual process analyzes overthinks of what remote side thinks perceives and being unrude is my topmost priority.


how to close those virtual processes like all other people. how to have storng identity? i dont know.

this fixes when i have strong self confidence (and dont care what others see).
but most of the time i am in this multi view setting. if  i am walking in street, its not just i am walking, i am simulating what others all people see of me. or when i talk with some one, i simulate what other person perceives of what i sayconstantly.

i need to stop doing this. but how?

i am not like this when i am drunk:P or when i have  super self confidence. or when i am agnry to sometopic (some person made me angry someway). but this constant virtual processes which makes me lack identity boundaries(i use this as trying to say i open a vm for what other people see me in my silly brain) is constant otherwise:S how to stop this. is there anyone can help me to stop this? this virtualization of what other pepole think in daily routines. like using subway or like when i talk.
its like the person i talk's hippocampus brain becomes  as if connected to me if i would make analogies. i care his her happiness as if its mine. i dont want him her to feel any sadness. so i constantly revise what i say not to make any sadness. this is what happens when i talk in daily talk.

the other thing is when i walk in outside.i constantly this overthinking of what others perceive of me constantly happens. if i am self confident or drunk doesnt happen like this.
is this social phobia. i before thought it is as social phobia 10 years ago. but recent days wondered whether is autism. but there is no lack of mirror neurons. its too much mirror neurons. but are there autism cases like this i live? i dont know. but sometimes it feels super hard. for since i cant be like normal nonoverthinking?. reason maybe i think i had a harder life is due to this. but my life being super hard last 2 years has none relatedness to this thing. i were stalked by a sociopath woman last 2 years. but as my life proablems got fixed, i confronted old problem of mine, which i called social phobia 10 years such ago. i forgot i had such problem. and it depressed me seeing i have such problem:S its like when you have got a sociopath maniac stalker you forgot your real problems in the meanwhile. then as my life become heaven like, i confronted my orignal problem of social phobia like thingy as i wanted to wear eye glasses in subway. and its really really hard to me. it were depressing for sure. but i got over the depressing part.

is there anyone who could fix this? of that people become all in yoga right? lose their boundaries right? its my constant state in daily routines like when walking otuside. i constantly see myself of other people's eyes/views. and its really disturbing unnecessary process.
maybe its something i cant fix. ok i am used to it.

i wernt like this when i were a child. i wonder why i had developed this social phobia like bheavior 10 years ago. i wernt like this before. maybe genetically we are susceptible to social phobia? cause my cousin had temporarily had social phobia but it passed in her. its a cousin who married to a shizoid guy. then after wards lived social phobia and she said she feels like the things i tell about. she went through such thing after trauma of living with a a shizoid guy.
i never had such trauma. i dont know why i became social phobic 10 years ago ever. had i have any trauma i dont remember of? i dont know. maybe its nannies? it were hidden long years and popped up in adult life? i dont know. (though i had really trauma of being stalked by a sociopath woman last 2 years but though its after i been like this. i mean sosicopath stalker is not reason why i am like this.)

so this thing i dont know if is solveable but i wish i could solved it. i tried taking medicine 10 years ago of a very light medicine. then i thought it ddnt worked either. cause its related to my mental model right? of this overthinking in daily routines we do confront/ do.

how can i tell you how its? you poeple get stressed when talking in crowd? my  daily routines constantly passes like that.  i constantly overthink of what people perceive of me in daily tasks like even walking outside.

is there anyone could help me to fix this? maybe its not fixable? i am ok with that of course.
maybe when if i become a super self confident person i would close this mental processes my self. cause i can close when i am super self confident.so should work on that. to close this unnecessary processes which makes me want to wear sunglasses in subbway. is it possible to unwire wirings in brian? these processes must be related to anomaly in mirror neurons? or anomaly in someother region? or due to nannies traumas? or genetic? dont know. but is it possible to close this extra overthinking processes that makes life hard to me.

i can close it when i am super self confident. key to do is not caring what people perceive of me. so should set up such narratives maybe. the healing of this thing passes from cognitive theraphy i think since it depends on wirings ithink. i mean i shoould take off those extra mirror neurons activity with just narratives. or going to a cognitive therapist. i believe the resolution olf this problem lies in cognitive theraphy. cause wires need to be wired. that extra mirror neurons process should be taken very lower. and i should have normal mirror neuron activity as others.





ok i dont depress about  this thing now. but there is also this thing such thing.


my granddad were epilepsy. so he had anomaly in his brain. so maybe this is also a wiring anomaly that mirror neurons are much more active than usual so am more "all" but less "me/i".  in daily routine activities of life.

or is it due to nannies not looking after good?
or is it something gnetic? or something physical? or something post traumatic?

have none idea what it is. no wonder this topic slipped trhough my blog last days.

because you know my life become super good last days. then i rediscovered this old problem of mine again when other life troubles went away (since i am not any more stalked by a sociopath woman. it were like a horror movie. she constantly did sociopathy acts to me(giivng aliases etc) and stalked constantly for 3 years) i said aw my life is now awesome. then i rediscovered this problem of wanting to wearglasses in subway and wanted to depress alot due to that.


but i figure out cognitive theraphy is the key to resolve this. and i need to also create narratives so i hold my identity strong(i mean not feeling like if you are reaching levels in yoga and see you rself in everyone;s eye whilst you walk only.  i mean creating a virtual process (like vm) for every unrelated human that walks beside me. thinking of what she/he perceives me(like am i walking silly?). i do this vm creation in such silly tasks like only walking outside so that daily routine life becomes kind of harder but not super hard for sure.

when i walk with people i feel safer and dont think alot what other strangers think or what they  perceive of me. (e.g. do i walk silly ? like things). or when i am super self confident again i dont create such vms. but in my usual mode, every stranger passing beside me, i create a vm inside my silly brain thinking simulating what perceives of me and ask oh do i walk silly?  i know this is hard to understand. so i gave analogies to public speaking. it feels like that. as if an unrelated strangers are constantly seeing me and caring what i do like my silly walk while its not like that. but i cant stop proactively creating vms thinking what those all strangers see/percevie of me. but not feeling like this when i am not walking alone. or when i am kind of upset to some topic. or when i am super self confident (something very rare). so its a thing that could be closed. but how could i figure out to do in cognitive theraphy ways figure out how to completely close this thing?

ok i should find a cognitive therapist and try to fix this. since life shouldnt be less perfect whilst if its fixable. though if i figure out its unfixable, then in that i shouldnt also depress for that.


mybe in investigating this, i should do an fMri to checj if really an anomaly in my mirror neurons exist. i wonder that. cause my decision to have children in future depends on that. if its genetic to have overdeveloped mirror neurons i dont want to have kids. if its not genetic i would.


i were intellgnt in high school times. super fast learner type of. so next time you people think being intelligent is something good please rethink. it might come with some anomalies. now i amd not super intellgnt either.

the thing is i never needed to study any topic in high school i could fastly grasp anything in first talk. but highschool not hard things were told.

but i would have wanted to be dumb instead of this anomaly .
not that i am intellgnt now, maybe this overthinking has detoriated me? i still have kinda super fast learning skills sometimes. not at all times though.

but the thing is, intellgnt people who have  no such problems as i told i think are super duper lucky. cause most intellgnt people have no such problems as i tell about.

its not about intellgnce either i am not inetllgnt now. maybe were just a super learner before. its i think an anomaly somehow.  and results with this behavior i tell about. its either an anomaly or either nannies impact ? or geneticdiffernt wiring?i dnt know. dont want to learn about either. or might want to learn. for to decide whether i should have kids or not. if they said i would have genius kids who are genius (unlike me) but have this same thing. i would nt have kids ever. i mean i do think this thing made daily tasks of life harder to me. this extra vm processes i setup when i am alone in outside,  that mirror what other people perceive including my image or my silly walk, i should end this. i can end this when i am not alone in outside, it ends naturally it self. i dont have such problem if i am walkign with a pal/friend. btu when i am alone this problem exists. or if i am upset or super confident feeling, again such problem i dont have. so its seems far from outside might be possible to fix this problem. i would work on this. and be a more self confident person. would try to work on that. and would try not to live in a statw where people could  reach in yoga:S (being all. thinking of how i am perceived from outside from stranger people's views e.g. my walk (and then asking myself later on is my walk silly:S then i stress to my walk style:S)) dnt know how much i would advance in these sub goals i listed.  i think i could fix them if i focus on them.

i just want to know whether its inherent in my nature to be like this or is this bad nannies impact? cause it would be key in deciding whether i would have kids or not. and i wouldnt depress alot if its genetic disposition to be like this. i mean i wont depress if i learn its not any trauma related thing. or cognitive wrong growing up problem (lack of attention from nannies or scare from nannies kind of things? )

ok i dont feel like this when i am around people i know. its all like this when its stranger people. e.g. in work place i dont feel like this. or when i am in outside with pals or colleagues, i dont feel like this in subway and i dont want to wear subglasses. this all happens when i am alone in outside when i am surrounded all by stranger people.
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or not any autistic but having had suffocated for 5 mins when as a new born (yeah lucky! guhu were suffoacted due to extra soap ) and so my brain had developed weird anomalies?

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ok i infer i might be some degree of autistic? or maybe wrong growing up? nannies?


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ok for the previously stated of topic of "i dnt deserve you". i am not saying this in any emphaty way, i mean i dont say this not to break your heart. i just say this because i truly feel like this. and since i also liked your latest attempt of interest, its super hard for me to talk like this either. i mean rejecting someone's interest while actually liking their interest is super hard.

but i look to myself and you. i have weird problems. but you dont. i dont think we ever fit in that sense. if i were like you, there weould be posisbility to accept yours attention attempt whihc i liked. but its not possible. i shouldd find some more casual guy. so i wont feel like as if we dont fit. sicne i have problems.
and its not a general rule to behave like mine i mean people who have such problems might not be behaving like me either. but we are all different people. circumstances (like problems of our own) and our ways to deal with it or not is all specific. so this my stance against my own problems my own lack of self confidence problem also either, is my own, not everyone as a rule would behave like me either. for i talked i like this, for since not to trigger stereotypes on this. that people are alal different. i dnt like stereotypes be built on categorizations.

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you know the thing s that, if you have some problem, you reject attntn of someone who dsnt have problems. thats the core of it. but again please dont built stereotypes of my own behavior on this.

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ok agenda of me myself contains fixing my  problem if i can.
i would create narratives to build up super self confidence and would go to a behavioral cognitive therapist.  so that the thing that felt hard to me, that wanting to wear eye glasses in subway, i wish i could fix that.

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and i  think you deserve some unproblematic person, that some one like you, that has no such problems like i do have. and truely i dont say this sentence for if trying to be unrude. no i do say this sentence cause this is what i truly feel like this. i dont feel i do deserve yours like. and but since i liked your like, its also hard to say these sentences either. but i do think, you should be together wth a normie person not a person with problems like mine.

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my  relationship plans  is to find some unconventional and crazy guy. and for sure casual. so that i wont feel as like i felt against to you. that i wont feel as i dont deserve. (that because he doesnt have problems like mine problems. ) i wihs you understand that i reject yours attention not because i dnt like you. i truly like you. its because of me but not in sense this sentence is used mostly. its because i really feel as i dont deserve you. cause i have problems. i dont find oterh problems than health are any important in life by the way. but i do have some health problem as i tell you. and so this is reason i reject you.  i dont feel as a fully complete perfect person. i have problems. and i dont want to be ever beside someone that doesnt have problems like mine, cause i would find it unfair to be like that so. i mean i would find it unfair, if i have problems and i be with someone who is perfect who doesnt have such problems.  i wish you never think i reject you for since you have any peoblems. i wish i were like you that i dont have problems like mine. you deserve a "normal" person. not a person like me that have problems like mine.



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ok so relationship goals are: finding some unnormal person like me. who is not perfect.

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ok one thing, rejecting someone whilst i liked his attention is the hardest thing i ever do in life:) anyway but life is not meant to be easy always right?
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(ps: you are perfect. i wish you never think i wantedly reject you. i reject you whilst i dont actually want to reject you:SS and were hard to me due to that.  and please be very happy in life and you deserve to be happy alot & all the best to you you romantic&highly intellgnt person:) ) (it is super hard to rject you.  i wish you see i have problems and i do find it unfair if i hang around someone who hasnt has problems like mine. i cant normalize inside myself the fact of being with a perfect person who has no problems like mine. so i wish you always be very happy and all the best to you romantic person :) )




-------------------------------
so how to handle my shitty problems. as i discovered i still have such problems i got depressed 2 days ago little bit. (i had such problems 10 years ago) i went to a psycholog. i tried to take lithium based very small dosed medicine (i forgot its name) to fix but it ddnt helped me.
i forgot this whilst i were stalked by a sociopath woman last 3 years. then after my life became normal (that stalk of socio woman ended), i rediscovered i have such problem and it hit me so bad it were depressing to figure out to have such problem. ii thought i am over such problem. (e.g. wanted to wear eyeglasses in subway. why do i scare of stranger people like this? )



i figure out its not a medicine related thing. its about wiring. i need to fix the problematic wirings with cognitive behavioral theraphy.


as told my cousin not knowingly married a shizophrenic guy and stayed  married for 2 years. then for some year a year or more she were phobic. she had symptoms of as if whilst she is eating people are looking to her way of holding spoons or else. and so her hands trembled kind of situation. she started scared of stranger people. after such hard period of life. then she went to some theraphy some group theraphy. they do blatantly did things they ar eafraid to do and she went over that phobia.

i wish i resembled any her. that cousins are super beautiful. she looks like both Turkish and both like Japan people. she is the most beautiful person in our family tree. (she became old now but she is famous with her beauty. :P inside the family :) )
i dont any resemble that side of family. that cousins all childs are very beautiful. i wish i had resembled them:) both daughters of that uncle were very beutiful:)
i dont think my mom would had wanted another daughter after me:P ok i were betfl when i were kid though. so it might not be related :P


ok but the thing is she went over her phobias. her self inconfidence problems. thought her problems rooted from not her either. she had married to a shizophen guy for  2 or 3 years (without knowing before hand:S). her husband, her husband's family none said her to be marrying husband is shizophrenia to her. and she ddnt inspected before such thing. so she gone through a very bad nightmare then of course she broke up in 3 years. but had some scars like phobia afterwards. but then with group theraphy she went over her phobia.

i were also stalked by a shizophrenia like person, but more sociopathy, a stalker woman stalked me for 3 years. but it wernt similar to cousins situation(she became phobic due to shizophrenia husband, but in my case, i forgot phobia i already holded cause the sociopath stalker woman's stalk were like nightmare), cause this stalk situation made me forget my own problems. i mean its not i developed phobia afterwards such stalk/sociopathy. its i forgot my own existing phobias since i were inside a very bad nightmare.  getting stalked by a sociopath woman were quite quite hard:S but whilst i forgot my own problems. i actually got used to live with my own problems. but during nightmare, i forgot how my previous life were. then when my life normalized now after i change city,  i instantly confronted my previous life conditions. which i were used to before but instantly felt hard. to have phobias. i mean in cousins case, being disturbed by a shizophrenia husband were her root of next phobias (that she won over later on). but in my case, going into a nightmare(i been stalked by a sociopath stalker woman for 3 years and constantly confronted sociopathy)  made me forgot my lighter problems. then as life normalized, i instantly  rediscovered my long existing problems. as told i had such problems 10 years ago also.

that cousin is also a little bit artist. she does sculptures. her sister s also an artist like, she draws very well.


hmm i think i need to do what she did to won over phobias.like blatantly doing whatever i have phobia against. and attend a group theraphy. maybe i could learn whom is her therapist were.

i should attend drama classes to go over this phobia state. that might also help. but for sure a coginitve bheavioral theraphy i should go to.


and this lack of self definition thing, lack of self confidence, over emphaty processes when i am doing daily talk. i need to fix that i think my therapist might also help me in that.

i wish i am lucky and i could went over my phobias.

i had no insight on what my problem is before. i thought taking medicine would help. i dont think it can. its wiring based. wires need to be fixed. need to get over phobias with going to phobias with doing acts which triggers phobias.


so maybe our family is susceptible more to be phobic than other people? since cousin also had such period (but short period not like mine) in life.

i going to close that overthinking processes in my mind somehow.
even in daily talking, that supervisor process that constantly i think of not saying anything rude ever and constantly  want the remote side to feel happy.
i call that having no identity separation. it must be somehow rooted to identity definition period in life which might coincides with nannies? or its due to my gneetics. i dont know how i am like this. but i have such unnecessary overloading supervisor process problem. need to be emphatic as other humans. not with a process that constantly thinks of other side's happiness when i talk in daily talk to someone in daily routine life.
its like as if my brain connects and becoems one with the person i talk if i would make analogies. i do care the person i talk's happiness the most. whether i am ordering a food or buying a ticket or talking some unrelated daily talk outside. i infer all people have such thing but mine is overworking. its not in normal level in me. but i do think it might be due to identity separation or identity construction period in childhood. maybe due to external factors or genetically i had constructed weaker identity than other people. so i become all when i talk with others. happiness of others becomes my main responsibility whilst i talk to someone (in ordering a ticket or else). its like as if all our brains are connected and i care the happiness of the ticket seller's mood very critically very importantly as the most important thing in life at that moment. of course its important. but i do it in an overwhelmingly way. having multiple processes at mind isnot a super good thing. ok we should care what we say in our daily talks. but not this much level. its like as if the ticket seller or daily talk i talk to becomes an extension of me if i do an analogy. i mean its that, looks like tha2t as an analogy. i mean there is no strongly constructed self definition in me i think. it might be really related to nannies.or might be genetical. dont know.
other than that, in other brain foundations,  like SDG goals, i am sensitive in them. but this beoalshavior of daily talks extreme emphaty situation doesnt extend to such more complex brain foundations like that.  i mean this thing i complain is something  at daily talks level. if it were at more complex things i wouldnt complain also. its about daily things with stranger people.
 

its unnecessaarily working much mirror neurons at that moments. and but when i am super self confident, this problem doesnt happen.

so i think only a therapist could fix this if could fix. i wouldnt have depressed now or in future if it cant be fixed.

i never tackled this problem with a therapist. i think i should. for sure.

its like i get impacted by sadness or unhappiness of people infront of me so bad. like if i see an anxious expression i feel also anxious so bad. if i see sadness or possibility of sadness to the person i directly talk, i feel it 10x times. i scare of feeling other person's sadness. so i constantly have working control of other person's sadness process in my mind. or happiness. i mean i constantly care whatever i say for not to see any sadness as expression or something would make the other person sad.

i ddnt called out my parents to my rhinoplasty only because i dont like seeing anxious expressions. i try to make my life so i limit seeing anxious expression. cause it impacts me alot. i become anxious when i see an anxious expression. maybe its all how other people are also.

i feel super sad when i see a patient suffering. like mom or dad when they were taking surgeries and after surgery in room or alike, in moments i see them suffering, i felt as i am going to pass out and went away from room.


i dont like in my direct talks to see anyone sad ever. of course i been rude in life some times which i am super ashamed alot of. but this behavior of super working mirror neurons works in direct talks like this. i mean it happens like this when  i am talking directly to some person. or in the same place with someone.

so i figure out my  therapist in future would fix these. if could. i dont know. anyway.



ok i dont like reading psychology things (since its sad such things are usually super sad) but maybe i should read more. i always avoid hard things in life. should do more.

ok i ddnt believed in behavioral theraphy before. but i believe now. it were my ignorance to not believe in.



its like being a mother of all people:D  i mean when i talk someone directly, she or he becomes child i care of? :D i mean its not any oxytocin either. i care alot about emotions of other people. (specifically when i talk directly). but this is kind of overloaded process in my version. kind of more than other people. i think it roots to lack of strong self definition. i mean mine version is not any normal.

i said ticket seller because i ddnt wanted to know what to say as daily interaction. it could be also talking to a doctor. or to a professor. i mean everytime i do talk some daily talk of stranger i have  this overload process.


(by the way i always wanted to be a barista. since i have such deficiency my dream occupation were that. we sometimes want to do things what we are weak of. and i think communication is the most important skill in life i definitely think so.)



its not wanting strangers to like me. its a default executing care foundation kind of thing. i think its mirror neurons working too much. it happens in daily life routines as told. people would misunderstand as if i am saying emphaty is bad. no of course emphaty is good. but mine is a nonnormal version of it. i even confuse what to say at times due to process overload of overthinking. so mine is not a normal version of it. when i talk to a stranger, the happiness mood of stranger  becomes the most important valuable thing to me in my life. it happens like this in every daily life's routine tasks like talking to a doctor, talking to a stranger in street etc.


or when my realitve is unemployed i dont feel happy ins leeping sueperalot. feel constant wanting to do something for it.

i find myself constantly focused on other people's happiness always  iin every daily talk. this is weird. this si too much working something.
and i avoid seeing sad things like when having rhinoplasty not wanting family to be around since they would show anxious expressions to me.

over working mirror neurons in daily interactions of daily life, is something not easy.  i have additional supervisor process as told constantly evalauating my talks' impact in the daily talks  side(doctor or postman etc) and constantly  evaluate the posisble happiness level of remote side in this supervisor process along with evaluating my to be said sentences/words. i feel as a responsibility to make the daily talk recipient be unsad. its like as if remote side always have a brittle heart and i be overcautious as if i have some impact to break it. constantly scared of breaking heart/making sad. why god why? why i am such like this? :S people arent brittle. i should talk with less overthinking. i should stop this process what ever it is:S

of course there had been times i been rude person(and i am ashamed of it) but as told, this mirror neurons work usually in daily interactions already right? (like talkign to doctor or like talking to postman orr any talk i do) i have them overworking. and its not an easy state of life.

but it roots to miswirings as i get. of maybe either genetic or maybe not having had constructed a strong self definition/separaton in early childhood.(its either nannies or genetic) (i been grwon up all with nannies and mom were kind of not showing love super much mom even if she showed love with her behaviors alot. i mean she is the most passionate/nonselfish mom ever i seen in my life(my mom). but she cant show love alot super much like for kissing like things. but she shows it other way. i think my mom is the most non selfish most passionate mom i ever seen in my life not kidding n that.  but the thing is maybe nannies thing is root of this weirdness problem or its genetic maybe. who knows? i dont know).

i cleansed the house i stay in. ok now feeling lesser bad due to that. whilst i stay in other people's home, feel as making it dirtier.


ok, today's agenda, not being lazy and going to shopping in sometime later.
hmm coding one hobby project all night long:P of course its game :)



anyway at least after 10 years living like this, i finally decided to go to a behavioral therapist.  i finally get to this point. its so hard to make me go to doctor for anytopic. as i observe. i have stigma about mental issues so i dont want to even think it. but it breaks my life's quality:S
ok one other agenda in life: definitely go to a therpaiist/psycholog and get over your phobias. we people have diffrnt form of phobias. i once saw in tv a woman who scares of trees. mine is worse:S i scare of stranger crowds view on me. like i told cousin when after trauma of living with a shizophrenia guy for 3 years, had scared of people's look on her and her hands trembling whilst eating food. felt like as if she is giving a public speech all the time as if all people are looking. my problem is similar and differnt little bit also. but similar pattern that my legs i scare if they gonna tremble thinking all other people are looking to me and i think if i walk silly? its a weird process. but i am not like this when i am super self confident. i walk self confident. but other times that i am not super self confideent,  i scare of people's looking to my walk assesing as if i am walking silly or alike. so i have kind of phobia against stranger people looking to me. i dont know why i have such phobia.i forgot this phobia whilst i were in a nightmare of being stalked bya  sociopath woman. but then, as my life turned to normal again, i rediscovered i still have this phobia from 10 years ago and all years but i forgot and mved to normally this phobia thingy to got over problems stalck in life. and it were initially depressing to rediscover i have such weakness again.
before i got used to this and got over little bit. but then in trauma years (of sociopath woman's stalk) i forgot this phobia all at all.  then as life turned all normal, rediscovered this phobia in full strength again.  but ok i am again undepressed about it. i mean i were depressed about it 2 days ago. but got over that being sad about discoveirng such thing about self.




ok from what i have written as visible i should find a very very very good therapist for sure:) and need to attend group therapies for people like me. i remember cousin getting over phobia with that.

maybe i should go to drama courses to get over this public speaking like fear/phobia. should put myself to real public speaking like situations. i dont know if that would help. i think best help would be putting me to situations i have most phobia of. and being super self confident as i need to be to fix this phobia. fixing narratives first and fixing my default state of self confidence in life. and i also beside need a very good therapist that helps this process of trying to rewire this problematic part.


maybe its because i had some big dark fleck of color in my leg and i felt as if everyone looked to me due to that when i went to seaside as a kid. i like that fleck now. its my signature in my skin. its on my right leg's upper part. its a structure thats is like a rectangle that is tall as my hand 's tallnes' haldf and thin as my 1.5 fingers.

in kid times, i remember feeling different feeling ashamed of that fleck when i went to seaside. maybe this is because of that. scaring of people's look is because of this fleck thing. i dont know. i think it really might be. its very weird how small things in child times could impact our all life.

now i like my fleck. now i feel as if its a signature of me. but in child time i ddnt felt like that. i felt ashamed of that while i came to shore. then i would forget it of course whilst playing in the sea. but the first moments i would feel quite ashamed of my fleck and felt as scared as if everyone is looking to me.


wov its so weird how child times things could impact our life that much. now i still repeat that trauma of feeling different and people looking to me over an dover again in adult life when i am walking around in strangers.  (E.g. in subway)
ok i wish i find a very good therapist. i definitely need a good one for sure visibly. but i think i have long way to go, because these are wires wired in childhood times, i dont know if i could make them lesser strength holding things, but might try at least maybe.

they say some medicine that cures child times traumas. but i think its like electroshock therapies, those untested medicines not approved by FDA.  like some lsd like substances which people attend to get over trauma. i in general dont want my brain to be modified even if its creating problems to me with childhood traumas. i dont like the brain modification topic alot. its like patching os while os is the os.its kind of calling rm -rf some os folder. it kind of feels risky to me. what if i tunr lesser intellgnt lesser passionate person after such treatment? i wouldnt want that. so changing os is something i am not quite good looking at. i would try to get over this trauma (as visible i figured out it roots from child trauma)with creaing new connections and forcing them. with cognitive /behavioral theraphy as long as it takes no matter what length of time to fix.


ok so i assign me myself a task of going to subway with no eyeglasses today and next tasks for this goal of fixing this weird thing of me.
so all parents always talk to your kids alot for since they might be silently building traumas (about a big fleck or like) that would impact all their remaining life. one suggestion from guhu as i discovered the root cause of my phobia is that fleck on my leg most possibly. if they have different look due to whatever reason (whether its fleck or being short or being tall) talk to them alot so that they dont build traumas on such things silently. it messed my all life this trauma thingies so talk to your kids alot please all parents please. specifically if they have a differnt look due to some reason.



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ok today i feel super happy since i ddnt wanted to wear eye glasses in subway.

i am fighting with my phobia so i constantly when i feel phobia when i feel scared due to phobia, i constantly repeat courageous narratives inside so it really worked:) so phobia is something i can visibly fix in time:)
i am super happy:)  phobia versus guhu: i were quite good at in sub way today. or when walking to crowded places. i figure out i have a new different phobia of being scared of strangers i dont know why. but today as i repeated narratives, i felt as i have no phobia. at some point i felt stressed whilst walking beside crowd in place i live but then 95% of time i were quite good/no scared/no stressed of walking  beside strangers. sooo :) good news: narratives really work. so if anyone has phobia, repeating narratives inside the time you labelled as you scare at those times repeating narratives to get courageous really works. if i add a theraphy also i think i might fix my wrong wirings of scaring from crowds/strangers. i felt no scare on 95% of entering crowd instances today:) quite happy for that:)

i figure out this thing is related to childhood traumas that i ddnt know even existed but i think fleck has something to do with it. cause i remember of feeling ashamed of fleck and feeling scared of people would look to me look to my fleck that doesnt exist in other people so i looked weird. so i felt ashamed of my fleck on my leg. i figure out this is  one root of my trauma thing. that i scare from looks of stranger crowds. but today 95% of the time i ddnt scared. so inside narratives things really work good.

there are some configurations i scare alot. like walktng beside a crowded cafe. since i am the only one walking around so people might look. and since i have this phobia of strangers looking to me.  but as told in 95% of instances i entered crowds alot today and 95% of instances i ddnt scarede. so quite happy:) seems as i could fix this phobia thing. maybe all i needed were building narratives. i thought nothing would work and i would always be like this alway having phobia. but today i ddnt scared of stranger crowds 95% of the time. so solution: inside repeating narratives of how self confident you are. trying to feel super self confident. then you really feel self confident and have no such phobia problem. this is the solution and it really works.
i entered lotss of crowds today and 95% of time i ddnt scared and i were super self confident. so i figure out, by doing this repeatedly i might win over this phobia thing.  and of course i would also go to a psycholog/therapist whichever is appropriate for these type of things.
i wandered around most crowded subways today and were like other people/unscared/self confident :)
i were so scared of the level of phobia that it would be super hard to fight against phobia. but seems as its is not hard. all i need to do is fight against phobia with some acts. even a tiny little bit act like repeating self confidence sentences inside works. i mean i thought the way  i could deal with this thing might be harder. i even thought i shouldnt force myself super much and do it in a slow way. but i figure out, its not that hard to fix this. and even a small step in fixing this thingy works. actually i had no hopes that it would fix. i actually thought it might fix after 10 or more theraphy sessions? or such long time. but even a tiny step i did, works, i mean even just repeating narratives inside really works. i were quite unhopeful for nothing would work against this thing i am inside. of scare of crowds/stranger crowds. but figured out even just internally repeating narratives of hhow much self confident i am kind of self confidence boosts really works. so i am very hopeful in getting to good points in dealing with this phobia thing. i were really unhopeful of my possible progress but i see even a small step like repeating narratives insides works quite alot.


ok i bought teas/some hair dye even if i like my hair color, buyed a dye i dont know why. its because some white hair popped up in temples but not that much looking right now.
i went to friedrichstrasse (near to alexanderplatz) but cafes were usually  closed that time and i shopped then at dm.




ok whenever i am hopeless in dealing with this phobia, i would remember this initial night i tried fighting against it:) i were like as if i had 0 phobia today:) only thing i did were repeating how much self confident i am at moments i felt like i gonna scare/stress. then after that, in any crowd moment any instant i ddnt scared any little bit.  i mean i initially only needed to repeat narratives. then i had no phobia at all. so the solution is : repeating narratives. and putting yourself in the situations you have phobia. i think day by day as i put myself to situations i had phobia, i would win over this phobia completely. or near completely. i cant believe all years, all years, all years i stressed with this phobia at times, all i had to do were repeating inside how much self confident i am. and if i gonna scare, then i repeat inside there is no need to any scare. then whilst doing this after i felt no phobia inside crowd or anytime in night outside when i did searched cafes to drink cafe then shopped at dm. it were like as if i had no phobia. so as told as said self confidence is the key thing in this phobia thing. if i have self confidence i have no such crowd phobia. self confidence, i should never lack this thing. cause i become phobic when i dolont have self confidence. i figure out i have very low self esteem/very low self confidence as baseline level in most times. i figure out i need to work on that and repeat narratives inside when ever i lack self confidence.


i cant believe this was this much easy. all needed to do is repeating narratives inside for a while to boost self confidence. then there is no phobia. and i figure out i need to put myself in situations i scare most. like always wandering around cafes which are crowded/puting  myself in to subways / all putting myself in to crowded places alot. so science literature can add a new phobia type if this phobia doesnt exist: scaring of look of crowd/stranger crowds.
new mental illness type:) since they call mental illnesses to phobias:P if such illness doesnt exist, i might be the firs tone to have it. but i feel like it exists already right? that i am not the first one with this problem?

to me, dealing with this situation were harde rcause i have stigmas against mental health issues. so trying to deal such thing inmyself is kind of difficult task to me. but i got over stigma against mental health things  also i figure out since i even blogged about this problem that i never wanted to talk this much blatantly before.
I like Camus' one aforism alot, i dont remember what he exactly said, in that, he said meant: we always like to talk about ourselves most of the time(about our good sides(E.g. i always talked bragged about my little bit art talent:D always talked about good sides of me. ) ). but we never actually like to talk about our personal intrinsic  problems/our weaknesses :) (as happent in me:) how much i talked about myself everyday you know you see but neverm talked about the phobia problem.  which they call phobias as mental illnesses. hmm. i had stigma against having a mental illness but over it. and trying to fight against this phobia thing(this mental illness thing). )


ok lets dye hair.

i figured out i would sometime renwe rhinoplasty cause i want to have a betfl  nose. i dont have that nasty  prolem which resulted in nastier look in nose's current version.
ok i have super self confidence now:) and quite happy for that. and feel like i gonna win over this phobia thing.


so one observation i saw: people one observation: if you are in a terrific/problems time of anytype and you have a phobia you hadnt fixed before, the lack of phobia in terrific time is not because phobia is fixed. i felt as i had no phobia.  phobia happens when life gets back to normal. i mean phobias never pass if not fixed. so i wish i could fix this time. this time i would go to theraphy. some strong rewiring effort i would do against this phobia thing.


other important observation:  if you have a kid that has a different look problem (i had a big fleck thats even onlu visible i go to seaside or wear shorts) please send that kid to psycholog for to monitor if she/he develops any trauma related to different look problem. childhood traumas impact later adult life super bad. it lowers life quality super bad. but the thing is i were quite happy kid. but i were always super caring other people's sfeelings like i told now. and had identity nonseparation problem(i created that def. of weak identity construction. Erikson's identity development i reference in that). like if my pall asked my noon meal, i would give. i would do whatever people asked me to (my pals utilized ths alot. i were the one who always went to them being called. never said no. never could say no to pal's requests like come visit us. i had problem of not being able to say no. so icalled it weak developed identity. referencing Erikson's initial development period)
. i had identity level problem. i mean i had weak identity i figure out.
i remember every  noon my best  friend took my meal and i gave willingly.
ok that identity thing that weakness in that must be tied to nannies that my early childhood passed with nannies looking after me. with not super caring me. nor showing love alot.
but the other problem of scaring from crowd's look is i think due to fleck. cause i remember i scared of people looking to my fleck. other people ddnt had any fleck. i were the only one with such thing on my body. so scaring of crowds look must be linked to this thing.


yepp i bought hair dye. woman have cool hairs colors like pink in this city. lets change hair thingy. quite wondering what color my hair turn up to:P it might be kind of punk style with my black eye brows and lighter hair color than my hair:P  or might my hair not turn to lighter color either. dont know. lets see. i were going to buy that grey colors that look exactly full grey color. but then said lets start slower in punk hair styles:P
i bought broncihitis teas. i dont know if its good for bronchitis? i cough so i bought. lets try. the health section in dm is awesome. one wants to buy all these health things. i liked these dm shops alot. its addictive shops. lots of things inside of everyhing. i liked it much more than sephora. i dont think grey color would look good in me whilst i am not thin. maybe if i am thin would it look good? i dont know.  might try or not. lets try i think. maybe as second hair dye
 trial thingy.


yeyy dyed my hair:)
ok would code this night yepp. i dont  know if i should also fix nose defect. since i am old, it feels weird to do rhinoplasty but i also dnt like to fix..hmm might or might not do. anyway:)
today's agenda is coding:) but first have to wash this dye after it gets to my hair. i actually also liked my prev hair color. this one might not change my hair color actually. lets see.

ok need to finally change list buffers to list like types in code today. and iterate alot in that hobby this night. since there is tons of work to do in that hobbiy project still, whatever  i do now is atleast some step in that tons of steps task.

lots of things to do in that game project hobby. i wish i work good today at least cause recent weeks worked near to none in that.
 

ok last week seince i had phobia in subway, i thought asked whether i had autism. then i think its not autism but phobia now (mental illness. they call phobia's as mental problems). but i thought it could be autism during the week(autism is not any mental illness) but doing some cognitive research in my childhood own, i figuyre out its actually phobia. if i were autistic or phobia, the symptoms are quite similar.
so recent days tried to understand what it is. that i have for more than 10 years. i myself concluded its phobia. but it might be autism also. i dont know. as told i would go find a therapist so therapist would know better.


for me it were super hard to wanting to wear eyeglasses in subway last week.


ok i read nice medium articles today:) 
one were about dealing with phobias:) but i cant handle this breath exercise, breath taking never calms me i dont know why. but maybe i do it wrongly (most possibly it is because of that it does not work for me). this were a cute sunday day with reading nice articles:)

hmm those nice articles are:

https://elemental.medium.com/the-profound-power-of-breathing-feeb8628512d


whether thing i have, its nice to read these things from its experts. but this breath taking thing doesnt work in me (since i am doing that most possibly wrong).

last week were depressing in sense that, i rediscovered i had phobia. and it were first depressing to dsicover i have phobia (i forgot i had such phobia last 3 years, cause last 3 years i were stalked by a sociopath woman doign sociopathy acts against me so it were my main fear not had place for other fears).

it were super nice to read sentences from people who really understand our condition. for whethr its autism related or phobia related. last week were super hard to discover i have such phobia again. but then i figured out ways to cope with it.


it feels nice to read expert people in that sentences so people who really understand how life could be hard with such situation to the person with such thing.

its nice to read information from people who understand how it is.





i saw articles from people who dont hold such thigns and discriminating such people with sentences like "they might be bla bla but they are doign very vwell service to communities". it does not make any sense to read sentences of some topic from people that have no idea of how it is.


my angels like occupation i assign now in this times is psychiatrists. for people who help to make life quality much better in any case. i do find such people as angels:P



last week i tried to understand whether i am an aspie or its phobia or its something in some autism spectrum. it definitely makes my life super hard to me. cause i ddnt any liked to feel necessity to take on eye glasses in subway. its super hard to accept such situation personally. i dont like not being able to do a normal life task with a sunglass. its something really hit me with a wave of sadness last week. but then i got over that sadness part.


 i do concluded it might be phobia. at first i concluded i am autistic first. then i concluded its phobia.
then i searched today therapists today for to help me get over it if its phobia.


i do think since i am scared of crowd's look, i confused this thign with autism. but i might be also in autism spectrum. i dnt know what it is. but my future therapist would know for sure.


but last 2 days, i fighted with this phobia thing with some self invented methods like when i am going to scare, i repeat sentences inside for not to scare and it really works. so i have found a way to fix this thing. whatever it is. i dont know what it is. and i had no phobia no scare in most times i were out last 2 days. so quite good progress.
i figure out i need to rewire my brain in that self confidence topic and i have to work hard on that.  and for scaring topic similarly. need to stop this instant rise of scare in my daily life for things my brain labelled as "its time to scare" inherently/unconsciously. i figure out, in such instance, i can repress that scare from my conscious side's narrative efforts. before i thought it were not possible to repress that scare feeling. but somehow my conscious side, i figure out last 2 days, could repress that as happens(when i gonna scare i repeat narratives inside and it really works). so wondering, is this the ultimate method: that saying that i neednt any scare in my mind. the more important is, how could i not scare at all times at all? why my brain scares from crowd's look to me?   i think my therapist would try to figure out ways much better than my way i invented. 

i figure out these unnecessary scare situations are usually tied to childhood. i feel as ait is like that. cause i do think, scaring from look (which i confused as autism, but really resesmbles autism also, right? )) is tied to my fleck on my leg. cause i scared of looks to my fleck in sea side. felt as an incomplete or mutant person alike. so i figure out these phobias, whatever is, usually tied to childhood times? i infer it is like that?


one thing : .
i mean there is the fact that, all our universes, have mirror boundaries that we all are in nontransitive reality definitions.  and we are bounded by our looking to universe devices. I mean i might not have capability of someone's looking device, and others also dont have capability to fully understand mine.

the realities we are existing in, sometimes a non anthropolog person might laugh to an etnographic study where some weird form of cultural application is done to predict future. the laughing person, definitely not an anthropolog, might understand reality with his/her device from the reality definition chamber that is protected by mirror walls. We never tend to understand other possible meanings than our current device could understand most of the time.

so one calls one experience of life in ways he has been seen. not in ways he/she not experienced before.

so, whatever i say is: as i read people saying things to topics without experiencing them, this is my idea on that, that sometimes our looking to universe devices might be limited by itself for in terms of lacking necessary experience of the commented out situation.


coming back to the person who laughs to the method one culture uses to predict future, were a raugh analogy on nontransitional state of everyone's self reality definition nor that its like everyone lives in his her reality, that, for coming back to the person who laughs, or tries to label this with an experience of his/her reality side/universe,  I wanted to point out how nontransitive this is. The form of reality,  one should be always aware to this nontransitive/reflexive nature of everyone's own universe/reality.  So one should re-think twice in commenting on other people's blogs' trauma related parts, cause she/he might be living in a solipsist version of reality bounded by her/his device.
for comments about phobias for taking them as something else or other, I would say that, i only take the psychiatrists comments on phobia topic not other professions. Though there is of course free speech right. but the thing i carei in that, is only people who holds insight to such things not the people who are prone to develop solipsistic views on those topics. so when making fun effort i see on such topic, i dont care that tried to make fun effort. i do care advises/talks of people only who has relatedness to my universe/reality definition who arent  limited by this inherent nature of reality. i wish i could formulate reality's subjectivity  with a mathemathical formulation (one day i wish to work on lets set this as next hobby proejct after hurricanes topic) but that thing i see observe is, people are usually blind to this reflexive/non transitive nature of reality. that actually there is a really solipsism going on in everytopic and people should take an anthropologist's like viewset for not to be bounded by their own reality definition.  (for commenting on phobias, you could take more care of whether you really have correct insight on phobias).



this is the thing i want to read on these topics:
(not the people who have no idea on how theses things are and who are not very careful in their own solipsism in that)

https://elemental.medium.com/the-profound-power-of-breathing-feeb8628512d




so for an editor who is doing a job (with a kind of solipsism) on a topic of phobias, might take one or two anthropology or etnography courses to get out bounds of her/his solipsism i think.  i do think in this world, the thing i am sure of existence is the existence of solipsism.





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so this is a topic to not make fun of.  or there is free speech everyone could say whatever they want. but phobias /traumas is not a topic to be made fun of. though of course i respect free speech fullest. cause i respect egalite in purest form. but i dont care when someone tries to make fun of phobia/traumas topic. its not what people say, but which ones we listen or care. thats my response to the trying to make fun of my phobia/trauma topic.

i want to model your reality definition mechanisms in math and see yours flaw that mathemathically if you ar einterested to this discussion more.  yepp want to read more sociology blogs to try to wrtie an article on this with taking crips of anthropology topics and some math formulation in future. not now, after i revise my sociology articles. to see how much defect in yours reasoning in trying to make fun of my phobia :P i would write an article that depicts that:P but it would hold sociology/anthropology aspects for sure since i am eager to those topics:P
(just make fun of my trauma only after you have phd in traumas phobias topic. otherwise i wont make your fun in to my concern hey editor :P  of course you can make fun of, there is free speech, but the degree i care is as in levels i told. )


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i feel alive again after the trauma of stalk of sociopath stalker woman ended. my sociology interest is also back:P  not that seeing some insight lacking viewpoints triggered it, its triggered back as i reached a normal state of life back again:) and depressing state of rediscovering i have phobia is also gone, i felt super sad for to rediscover i have phobia in mid week, but then i found ways to cope with it and would go to therapy also in accordance. and myself also can cope it that, but better i go to experts for theraphy.

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 i know i iterate super slowly in hobby project but:
yeppp next hobby project after hurricanes, modeling sociological things like that one culture laughs to one other with saying their reality  is not any real. the existence in solipsism in that gonna be modeled with either genetic programming or reinforcement learning like models evolving. 
sociology has always been my main interest i think. but i am a super slow in building hobbies visibly.  this is the third hobby. first hobby is this super slow game development project:D (the game which is has no counterparts in that its feature of being super slowly developed.) i know that i am super slow in hobbies:D


i dont  know if i set such hobbies because i am aspie. or a curious normie. my therapist would give me those answers.

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yayy first time i used owen here i am preparing soup with mushrooms/onions/rice like things (things i found in kitchen/fridge).

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yepp some machine learnign design task blogging fun now:P

i cant stop thinking on this instead of game project this night. last night i fall asleep with my  hair wet so my head ached all day.(i washed my hair since dyed it. but fallsleep. but i have wet hair allergy like thing as i infer since it hurts otherd ay  since neuseal things get react as aallergy so making headache as a result and i slept till 2pm due to that. ) so couldnt had studied to game yet:P for this weekedn.
but lets some brainstorming fun:P on some ml algo design.



its about some fun design of solipsism since i figure out its a real problem in things like people do misunderstands other troubles in health (for me i saw my phobia thing were might had been made fun of) and makes fun of that.
so  lets design an ml design for to define to wrongness in such acts via ml things. we also sometimes make errors like that (like making fun whilst we are blnded by solipsism) but it is not ok to make fun of phobias. so lets try to analyze how people do such errors in thinking.
lets give label to this as : design of the analysis machinery of the solipsism  in reality definition mechanisms

since i figure out solipsism can exist in levels people could make fun of others health troubles. so lets analyse the solipsism's nature in coarse grain way via fun of brainstorming in ml techniques:

yayyy and the fun starts. brainstorming on to create ones or analysing other people ml algorithms is always super fun:)
its like playing with legos. this ml algorithms lego sets of various colors various shapes:)

i were back to life in ml topics (stopped reaidng anything about that) whilst analyzing an  Eastern (very Eastern part of world, not  naming the company, but its from very East side of world)'s one ecommerce firm's published warehouse method. i analyzed that their collobrative aspects handling strategy lacks influence factor super badly. they use google's word2vec to do warehouse assortment grouping modeling. that word2vec is used created for nlp tasks. of course it could be utilized for other tasks also, but utilizing this for an ecommerce collobrative aspects including task is not super ok since it would lack the influence factor.
can word2vec sense/model hidden latents in the data ? or collobrative aspects? definitely yes. but can it sense the now? no, it follows one step back. it can not predict streaming possible predictions of what next popular assortment grouping would be. cause it just models the ongoing state, has no inference owhat state could be via influence factor. it detours collobrative latents model step via utilizing word2vec (but holds collobrative insight via word2vec in an unconventional way) but misses the influence factor completely. there is no "now"" modeling in that(hey word2vec is for models like language i think) , it models just what "happens" (language changes not so fast like the assortment types). so but dont know how to incorporate influence factor to that. the ml people doing that, they captured a nice collobrative insights model tool with word2vec ok, its inspiring thing ok, but that thing also lacks completely influence factor. they model previous time but not the current happenstances/trend in that.  they lack influence factor. its a mechanism if we had a time machine and works as: we use this time machine to go to future to see how future happens and model the assortments via theirs method, then turn back in time to deploy such models, it would work ok in that scenario i think. but with its current form, it misses now definitely. i might be wrong if they are near offline analyzing things and constantly building zero-to-all models. but such model lacks fast follow up of influences/trends i think.(i might be wrong of course). clustering based on that type of vectors, ok i cant deny its really inspiring but at the same time, it inherently lacks any influence factor in the model, i would enrich that model with another vector that incorporates user to user model and then build other models on that. just sole using the statistics of context is not quite predictive of now to me. you cant catch the trends super fastly  like that. you need to have a watch on trend also. you shouldnt decide based on such data only. cause your decisions not only impacts current time but T time in to the future. so trying to build an ml model via such current context analysis seems as missing important insight. ( me the guhu likes to do talk satir other companies ml models:P ? new thing me the guhu like to do :P  that algorithms she cant think of(i found it definitely super creative, that i wont be able to design, its really i envied that), but likes to do satir to also :P ) (some new hobby, reading ml algorithms and critizing parts i dont like of them whilst being gradually expert in that area time by time, of course cant be any article critizer right now with my low expertise, currently would criticize with low level domain expertise:P something i criticize in others this behavior:P and i also do:P guess we are all humans doing mistakes in different areas. since i have a thing to read ml articles, add this to hobby stack even if its not a super ethical behavior:P i have a non ethical hobby now:P would be weird:P  non ethical part is being satirical to articles in one domain whilst being not any expert in that domain:P (as i saw people who are not expert in phobias did talked of phobias topic, seemed unethical to me) ( lets be unethical for a whilst like that:P) it seemed fun to do this nonethical hobby :P) 

via reading that ml article, i were back to ml domain:) i also registered to berlin's ml groups:) i stopped reading ml algorithms for a very long while:P


but but now more fun: more fun since its aboiut a domain i like alot. i like sociology/anthropology (newly interested to cultural anthropology) from podcasts i heard. but missing alot info in that as visible i am super ignorant in those from my blogs (e.g. my lack of terminology)



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ok i sometimes think see as leftist people dont like me? and try to mess with tme? i am not leftist alot. i am rightist little bit. but actually i am a systemmatic thinker and try to look to things at no predetermined wing/side. I actually like to see all things in science/maths/algos ways as long as i am getting more into such topics.

i do like to listen why our brain turns leftist sensitive or rightist anthropology podcasts instead.  e.g. what kind of brain types are leftist/rightist. i guess there is no rule for that.
i think i always been a rightist. but i feel i am kinda leftist in some domains also. i am emotional in rights about liberty most. thats my sensitive area in brain faculty areas. and i am emotional in pain/suffering topics since i last 3 years confronted suffering thingy.
i like to reach essence of topics/core truths in ways i could with my little brain power thats not super good but even with that, i love to try to ask "why?" query alot and try to reach essence of topics everytime.


i think as a child most query i asked were always why. for instance they tell me a physics rule, i ask why. why is the query i ask to myself and all around. even if my brain is not super good, maybe its low iqqued even, but getting essences is my main interest in life.
and i figure out i have big problems in life, i fiigure out i have a mental illness (since they call phobias as mental illnesses) but i figure out i could cope with that and would get theraphy for that. accepting problems part is the worst step in that. they always say that you have to accept you have problems sentence but i truly understood its meaning as i accepted my mental illness. (i use mental illness word since they label phobias as mental illness category).

and i would never do some occupations that dont ask why or what query alot but instead try to reach false conclusions super fast. thats one another observation i figure out. i think i am a slow person in reaching conclusions like slowness in my silly hobbies.


this is yet another reply to the leftist who tried to say bad things to me wth doing unethical method of using wrong untrue things.

yepp i figure out leftists like to be righteous but not all of the time?
i like to be righteous all of the time, not based on emotions but based on facts/with a systematic way.  (ok its my old ages way, of course i also behaved impulsive in my young times. but its not ok to behave that impulsive in adult  times. i am also emotional but not in such domains.  )

if you gonna insult a rightist guhu, please go insult with true facts but not impulsive nontrue things/emotions.

ok leftists gonna hate:P nothing to do about it:P

hey leftist person, we also like this world we also care others. but we try to do things based  on systemmatic thinking not based on emotions/impulses.

(though i cant deny i also behaved  impulsive in my younger/more ignorant years, but never did such impulsive acts done by your side ever(talking about your last day's act). not this type of things. never done acts you like to do against me.  i dont do such acts you do against me leftist person.  though i am also ashamed of my own unrelated impulsive acts actually super ashamed but that were not shallow as yours current act i think and i were played on by some mechanism you also know that i confronted a very bad thing in that. my emotions were played on by that armies. so ok i were impulsive and not righteoaus in to behave like that. but my act is not any shallow as yours current act hey leftist person.

(and by the wway i never fall away from integrity ever. nor never fall away.  nor would ever.  in any topmost emotions situation. or else. i am fixated to that as a person being. )
ok so leftists gonna hate, nothign to do about it. )
we all want to be all righteoaus all times. i see leftists are also like that. but our ways are different.  i mean leftist/rightist people are no differnt actually. but the thing we need to care most is being righeaous all times. said to the leftist who were not any righteaous last day.   it were not any righteoaus but a partisan act for sure. my thing is, i do understand categorize acts as partisanly when it is. and discriminated yours act as a leftist act cause you behaved super partisan against me. i felt that partisan thing in those words super bad.

but i respect free speech the most. so you can relate whatever you want about me even if its untrue. its vital for yours side to think all things in all possible perspectives even if it might be untrue(i get that, you have to think all possible combinations of things to search truth and i respect that also). so i truly respect your right to think untrue about me. but when i confront untrue, i reply as its my basic right. but free speech is yours right also. so you can tell anything as you think like. but i would reply to nontrue things.)


(above said to a leftist editor. )
(hey i would try to model your solipsism in a ml model(thanks to yours country for inventing these and i like democracy of yours country alot)  and i think democracy matters alot everytime and right to reply to untrue things also. or right to reply with fun when confronting untrue things:) i would make satir of your solipsism as you try to mean an untrue thing.  and i think solipsism thing is an important problem thats never been tackled righteously before:) )
(i like alot that you have free speech:) we <3 democracy:))
 its ok sometimes you make mistakes(with doing wrong relations). due to what. better& more important is to have free speech all times.

we are all human. we all do mistakes. but more important is free speech i think. and at least trying to be righteous all times.
but i guess some occupations need to be much more into analyzing all combinations whether true or untrue and have such inherent behavior attached. and i respect that. its a mehcanism of free speech and truly respect.
but please also respect my right to reply to something said untrue with little bit satir in that also:)  cause i discovered i am into satir these year:P i am newly interested to do satir to ml articles(new hobby:P). and please forgive me if i do satir to yours untrue tryign to relate effort. as free speech is yours right, its my right also:P  especially when i confront something untrue. please forgive me if i reply to an untrue thing with satir:P(that you tried to say my stalk by a sociopath is untrue like thing? ) (i wish you never would had confront such stalk:S) (The stalker constantly assigned names to me. there were a Boris name also in stalker people set. as i been messed in internet by some armies that we hear such countries created, maybe my stalk were also related to that. have no idea why i confronted such super strong sociopathy/stalk:S  i were given many names/aliases. it were like a nightmare:S a kind of Alfred Hitckok movie:S constant aliases/names creation/constant stalk in outside as if they have my GPS info/constant sociopathy creation. were a horrible stalk. i tried to understand who is the root stalker. but i understood as it were a woman a sociopath one:S it were like, you go to a cafe in a far place of city, they come and sit beside yours desk and continue their stalk. and they did sociopathy against me. constant lie creation/constant stalk/constant aliases. it were like a nightmare:S constant trying to make mentally ill like thing i confronted. i am super happy it ended. but never try to insult my blog for since i tell things as it is. you might not be able to understand such thing for since maybe you hadnt confronted ever.  but as you say such unright insult to me, i reply as its my basic right. and i truly wish you never confront such horrible thing in life such horrible stalk that i confronted. it were a stalker woman, some names constantly ins talk incidents and a Boris name also. existed this stalk for 3 years and it were super horrible. as a person i am fixated to tell truth. and as a person its my democratic right to reply to untrue things. and as a humanbeing, it wer e a terrible traumatic stalk i confronted:S  in every cafe you go, they stalked nearly all, in multiple cities. i were called many names/aliases were impersonated with multiple names. and confronted constant sociopathy constant stalk. for 3 years. i were given man names also. but that all thing were super horrific. it were also my basic humanright to blog about it whilst confronting super horrific situation. and i  respect of course for yours stance against me. since i believe in free speech. since free speech is very important mechanism. but free speech is there for me again also. so i would reply when i need to. think a sociopath gives you different names and creates tells things with such names and does this act in cafes you go. think how horrible it is to confront such thing. think this sociopath constantly also tries to dehumniza you. think that this sociopath tries to say things like "Boris should sell this ork". think that this sociopath impersonates you as a prostitude also. think this ork/dehumanization/this sociopathy happens for 3 years.  this sociopath were a type that tries to give many names to the person she stalks. it were super horrific time:S and the only thing that helped me is i forgot my own phobias in such terrific period of life. so things you think might not be as you think.  always be openminded to weird things people tell you.  in case they might be telling the bare truth and finding some peace from blogging those horrific thing she confronts:S thhere is a comfort in thinking in stereotypes and thinking others are attention freaks? but sometimes really weird things happens in life that are unbelievable:S and when you confront such horrific things, its your basic human rights to blog them as it is.if you read my blog from 3 years ago, you would see it started with ork things then escalated to giving names/aliases. so before trying to understand all universes, please dont get blineded by your own solipsism. and i wish your own universe never gets disturbed by such a sociopath woman's stalk:S

its so weird. you are traumatized with stalk. and you are insulted for since you blogged about it. people have super irrational  or super solipsism blinded i think:S you can think of very weird event chains in your head but i do think, truth is most of the time is the simplest one. its first time i confront such scenario created by an solipsism blinded mind. nah, yours soilipsism/scenario is too wrong bruh/or madam. and i wish you never confront what i confront that i call as trauma. 

i blogged all instances of that horrific thigns for 3 years and blogged too much i know but it were one way to cope with such horrific life situation:S  having a socippath stalker woman stalking me the worst thing in my life. if you wonder what sociopath people do to the targets they stalk, just check internet. or just check my blog for 3 years for to see things i confronted constantly and blogged constantly int hose 3 years:S


so to that leftist bruh or madam, hey you are very wrong in this time, in this thing. we all try to be righteous people but yours insult were super unright not any righteous. it were super untrue.

so as a satirical response, in my new peaceful life, since i could study to ml more peacefully, i would build an ml model on solipsism topic and write an ml article about it and share from here. as a reply to your blindness and wrongness in your wrong idea/solipsism. dont want to make you ashamed, but want to lett you know you are saying such thing to a person whose human rights were went over with such process for 3 years, i mean making fun of people who confronted lack/shortage of human rights in domain for since they blogged of their lack of human rights in blogs, i do wanted to shed a light on yours act. you can say any insult to me ffor sure. but talking like that for a topic which were my people going over my human rights is something needed to be repsonded very appropriately proprortionally like this. so before saying such thing to a person whose human rights were gone for awhile by a sociopath stalker, please rethink at least twice. then you can still say such things. cause there is always free speech. you can also say somthing thats untrue. but as told, i would reply whenever an untrue thing is said. its my democratic & human right.just to let know you, getting stalked by a sociopath is definitely like human rights abuse. the sociopath stalker constantly abused my human rights with constantly stalking/dehumanizing/constant sociopathy acts for 3 years (but the aliases/names assigning thing were the uppermost scary ones). if you like to stance like that yo my human rights abuse situation by a sociopath stalker woman, i just say i respect your free speech to believe in whatever you want to think. but as a human being, i dont care what you say. since i am the one who confronted those facts not you. as a reply to yours unrighteousness in this case,s i would write a super popular article in sociology community defining the solipsism you are exactly in:) and from this human rights abuse thing by a sociopath stalker woman,  i feel another responsibility like, trying to help people who are somehow suffering someway due to whatever reason. whether its  a sociopath stalker woman, or other. but they are on my inner stack pile to do things. but not exists such thing in my pile of tasks exists to try to say such things to people who confronted traumatization. i mean this lack of systemmatic thinking in yours side, this lack of missing that what i tell might be really true, yours this lack of intelligence in what you said, that is what i exactly think about yours talk, to say such think on this, you must be lacking some intelligence level, fi you want me to be honest i really think you lack intellgnce to do such assesments on human rights abuses people confront. but there is free speech, i wont care what you say about my own human rightys abuse thing i confronted. you can speak whatever you want, i would just think a non super intellgnt person tryint to think universe in a solipsism thats blindfolded by lack of either intelligence or due to just solipsism thingy.  you have a freudian attitude in that, like fight someone in whatever you can even if with wrong arguments. i mean you have a partisan argument in this. and i always found super partisan things kind of signifying something :P anyway. ok being partisan is a right ok sorry for thinking like that. but partisanly attacking insulting others with nontrue statements is not a correct thing in the end (i tried to mean that actually). but i think in free speech this should happen sometimes. so i respect that right. but its also my right to respond to someone doing such wrong act to me. right? i find it as my right to reply to such thing.





as i am free from trauma as i am saved from sociopath woman's stalk, i have more time to  hoobbies and even to satir:) to untrue things to be righteous always and in case our rights are went over by a solipsist mind.

for partisan things, as my fav physicists, i am never a partisan to any side actually. i always try to follow what comes right to me. this is i suggest to all other people. you could change your party anytime i think. or from there to anyother. following what feels right is the thing i think. i never beeen any partisan for any political party nor would ever be.  never been interested in politics nor would ever be by the way. you people see i am kind of aspie maybe(or not who knows) , and my interest areas are quite very much different.
(i am interested in ml, interested in sociology/anthropology./ rhinoplasty topics/traveling topics. never been interested ever to politics nor would ever be. ah gosh:S political people please dont intend to talk politics with me:S i dont hold interest to politics area. if i am an aspie (i dont know if am or not) my interest are is not politics but other areas. you are making me tiresome/time stealing with talking politics to me. people talk ml to me i would be interested or sociology i would again be interested but politics is not my topic not my area not any area i am interested since it looks super hard area from outside. i like areas which are more comfort zone to me. i dont like partisanship either. i like my friends/pals to be having no strong political affections also. if you are a partisan, i guess we wont be friends or pal either. so  yepp these are my ideas on these topics. this is my ideas when i see an unrelated person takes topic and make resemblences to politics. politics? guhu? ah please dont! :S i am not any interested to politics topics nor would be ever to. and i dont any want partisan friends. i dont super like partisan people as told. its my rigt to like some people dislike some other people. i like nonpartisan people more than partisans. but its like free speech right. everyone favors one form of life one set of ideas. its all different and  everyone has his/her own things on that. )


)

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ok moving to another topic:
i have wine on my desk which is from 2 days and it tastes awesome dont know why:) normally these things dont tste after being waited. it also tastes some food i liked to eat in Turkey. some toast with lots of salamis/ketchups /cheese/sucuk(dont know its translated word) all once isnide. its like a toast as a pizza. done in southern cities like Adana. this wine tastes slightly like that dont know why.


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ok added to tasks goals set: write a new popular ml article in sociology area:) have tiny bit sociology info, have ml info, why not and reply to that untrue statement with an article in sociology in ml  :P (guhu becoming evil to an untrue thing. if somepeople says some untrue statement about me, let it be know i would do reply with such evil acts like this:) )  (i liked this satir thing. very fun to do satir against to people who make fun of human rights abuse :P (getting stalked by a sociopath woman is no more less than any human rights abuse.)  )

they should teach ml to that area so that they would be more insightful to not create solipsism filled wrong views and insult people with very wrong things.

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ok this fast learning thing might have disadvantages like being prone to phobic but gave me super powers to all wrong doer people:) i like being intelligent:) and thanks to STEM:) for giving super powers to reply in nice ways to all wrong doers:) STEM empowers people more than anything:P thanks alot to STEM:) and thanks alot to democratization of AI:)


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ok maybe people inherently hate nerd people? thats why they are behaved like this when they were traumatized by human rights abuse and then they just what they do is writing blog about it and they are accused of telling they are traumaitzed with human rights abuse? they hate nerds since we have super powers to be righteous more than them:P they could have such super powers if they take those courses and also hire nerds to do these type of tasks.


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please second time beware twisting reality whils accusing a nerd with twisting reality. cause a nerd just lives a life focused on reaching goals of hobbies. its not stereotypical goals you expect others to have.  our goals are trying to stop hurricanes or such goals. we do blog trauma only to blog trauma. we dont have seoncdary agendas in things. we do live life quite directly. with quite simple purposes. twisting reality is the farthest thing to a nerd. a nerd lives for his/her hobbies dreams. as visible from my blog for many years.

Gosh super thanks to STEM for giving supe rpowers for dealing with weird people :S weird people who try to twist reality or look to reality in twisted way that they want to see simple truth in twisted way.  ok i never seen a person before in my life who try to twist reality of a human rights abuse to something other. may i ask to you, did this nerd tried to reach any goal in telling about that abuse? may i ask is nt clear this nerd s goals? such goals are not for nerds for sure.  we always live life super directly. by the way, i dont even know the identity of my stalker sociopath woman, i mean if i were trying to reach some goal of sueing her, how thats ever possible:S i never had a chance to learn whom she is. just confronted this stalk in cafes/sociopathy all the 3 years in cafes/in outside and even in one thing, a flat were rented in below floor to continue to stalk me. but i am no detective i couldnt learn identity of this sociopath woman.  if i learnt for sure i would sue, but had no chance. and me blogging about it somehow is disturbign you people? why? i ask why? when did blogging/blogs about human rights abuses started to disturb you?  i mean why do you think i would get any gain from this? bloggin aboout my own human rights abuse, what kind of gain i get from that? what disturbs you in that? why do you hate me like this? is it because i am not leftist? political people, be far away from me, from my trauma, from my blogs. you arent invited to reading my blog and give twisted meanings to it whilst i am tellgn the trauma. so political people(leftists) could even label human right abuses as something other? they have no righteousness in assessing inn everything with full righteousness? political people(in this case, i am saying this to leftists), be away from my blog please until you are righteous people and dont twist reality. specifically my blog. or do contineing that, i would always reply and give the proportionate response to that, cause when you are right, you would fight for your right for your correctness/righteousness/integrity. there is no chance i give chance to such nontrue statement or such insult to my integrity. cause its my fixation to be fair and also fair to myself also. i reply and would reply proportionately. ) 

ok hey nerd people please beware of blogging your experience of confronting human right abuse otherwise a weird person might try to twist that reality to something else. its because they dont understand nerds or maybe they used to bully them in highschool and want to continue that.

its super happy we have super powers against people like you, you know? who are the real reality twisters.


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this situation is i never like any politics ever.  i am not any liking politics nor ever want any political friend or pal in either left or right side. we and their look to life completely differ. we behave directly. but be polite to people in our daily talks since we have emphaty. i see all partisan people are super rude to each other side but in behavior side they are the ones usually commit undirect living things.  i am possibly wrong in this statement bubt this is why i dont like politics or partisan people. they talk as if they are rightoues but they are super rude to their counterparts always and they sometimes leave rightoeusness away to do targeting even with times with nontrue insults? as i confronted one this time? this is why i dont like partisan people, the easy leaning to leave rightouesness behind. one suggestion, never leave rightouesness behind to attack some one you dislike, with wrong/untrue insult.  but i dont think a prtisan mind might not understand this thing ever. thats why i dont and wont have partisan minded pals/friends ever in life. maybe yours side systemmatic thinking is deeper and have some goals. but the thing is i wont like such things in life ever. i do think simple things might also work everytime. or being righteous. i mean i dont have that mindset where people have super goals in reaching things.   my goals are lesser complicated and only complicated in science aspects.

this is my reply to that insult from leftist person to me, for that untrue insult heor she i dont know whom, issued against me.

i believe in democracy and love democracy, its democracy that gives me right to talk like this. and i like democracy of your country also & fairness also. so i wish you dont get my reply as if i said something to free speech or yours country?. no i definitely believe your country is super duper fair country and i like your country and things/development your country spread to world (i am fan of your country's technological development  beside).   but the thing i replied is to is not any thing related to that, the thing, i replied to you , as a person (that is not tied to anything) your act of leaving  righteousness behind in trying to insult me like that  i replied to that.  but i do respect free speech. and via free speech we both can say what we thing  and super glad for that. but i also respect free speech of mine. and also fairness for me myself. so when i confront unfair thing, i do reply wiht my own free speech right to you. cause i believe in righteousness and i believe in fairness and also fairness of my own rights as a being. so whenever you try to insult me with an untrue insult, i would reply, wanted you to know that. so i wish you never took this as an act that is not adhering free speech. free speech also exists for me and i do believe in fairnes and i should also protect fairness of my own. when i do confront an insult, i would reply. and its personal. my reply is to the person who is doing this. to that leftist person.


but in general, i cant lie, i dont like being friends/pals with partisan people. so i might have such attitude against politics but thats also personal thing.

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so people leaving righteousness for being inside solipsisms, my article in sociology article would come for you :P for defining solipsism thing or trying to define:P


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hey,
hey he has never done any wrong act to me. i dont even know he likes me any. but onething is sure, we never ever even talked, nor he is any such type of wrong doer person. and my personal life troubles that i blogged are none related to him. he never did anything wrong to me. ok this is quite confusing to read such passage, that is not known if he has made that written or its other people just tryign to learn something. We never ever met in life nor talked ever. and beside, i hadnt understood whats going on whats meant:) truly honestly we never talked nor met in life ever.  i am trying to understand what this article means i just cant believe this is real. i mean i am trying to understand whats happening and this is so this comes so unreal i mean noone ever had made such article written to me and i dont know if its other people or him behind this act. ok. he is not any obsessive by the way:) .  and we never ever talked nor met in life ever before truly honestly. you this article writer, you confused guhu's head alot she is trying to understand what is going on. why she receives an article in such a big newspaper :) and she is totally confused shocked but definitely not unhappy. have people confused as if he obsessive? no he is not any, nor we had any met nor ever talked in life:) he is not any bad person either nor any crazy:) ok i think, he doesnt any like me, and people are trying to make fun on both of us? or trying to mess with him as if he likes me while he doesnt any?. ok i truly hadtn understood whats meant whom had that article written:)
hey if people misunderstood as if he likes me and is obsessive and doing wrong acts to me, nothing ever such thing happent. troubles in my life are never ever related to him. and i never tried to run since i saw any wrong doing to me. and all these thigns are quite confusing.  i tried to run because i saw myself incompetent since i have unrelated problems i talked about. but if this is from him, for sure i wouldnt reject his attention after such act:) i mean its impossible to reject after this act:P  since this is super blatant commcntn thing:) if its from him:).  and if its not from him and pple are mssng wth us?, hey people for real he never ever even talked to me nor did any wrong act to me. nor he might be not any itnerested either.
and what the heck is going on? is this actually other people's doing joke to us or really real?

ok if this is real, then there is no logic in life:) that whilst you are just a silly *& not btlfl person,, such guy could love you?. so this life must be simulation since this feels super unblvble to me still. hey i cant still believe uyou really like me or doing some kind  of ?

ok if you liked me and want to end its also ok. i know i dont deserve  you (check out my unbelieving reaction :) i really cnt belve this is true if its really real? :) ) and if you dont want to end, then i dont reject your attention then:) (and wld not any look to other people for sure:)) but this is super confusing to me. all these things i read:) or maybe you dont any like me, and this mght be an unreal thing & from other people. thats also possible. so have none idea on what is going on:) ok if you like me,  you cld be sure i ldnt look to anyother persn :) (i still cnt blve tht u like me. since i dnt dsrve u. but  tht sntence dsnt mean i reject. i accpt yours attntion:) )
(if you liked me and but ended, its ofcrse ok(snce i dnt dsrve u):) if you nvr liked me and this is a mssg of others people, its ok. and if its really real and if you like me, i accpt urs attention:) (and i wldnt look to anyone other else:))

i am lost in translating this :)

so for possible probabilities i try to answer this commcntn as :
if you dnt like me and this is a joke of othr people(this article i saw today, if is not rooted from you),  its ok.
and If you like me(if this article is rooted from you),  then i accpt urs attention:)


ok:)the day passed as:
hmm coding and such things. then i came home. i usually like to take some fast food like salad things but kind of felt: llike a shy person today:)

i am wondering lots of things like whom had that article written:)

as said, if its from him, then i accept his attention. and if its a joke of others (and he is none related) its ok

i smled alot for since what a diffrnt article it is in noon. but in general my mood is i am super shy today. i wnt to home feeling super shy. normally i took salad or something outside. being super shy day:) at times i am outside to go to somewhere like home/work.


ok hey ,
and that some part of that ere funny:P if you are bhdn that artce, i figure out you are a funny person:)  for using such story for to say something.
i ddnt understood wht you meant either:) but it were dfntly a funny way of saying that:D you are funny:D  (if that article were made wrttn by you:))


if that article were from you and if it meant you killed us  (used kill as an analogy to forgttng right?), its ok. be alot happy please:)
and if that article meant, dnt look someother people guhu otherwise i wld frget u, if this is the case, i wldnot look to others. and accept urs attntn.:)
 and if it were a joke of othrs, its ok. ( if thats like tht shame on others for fooling us/we).

 hmm i think we wnt know us if we cnfrnted ever in street. since neither me nor u seen both of us in real life. and i am shy to search ur name in internet in google:D since i dnt wnt this to be known. i dnt wnt attntn of othr people. so i really dnt know exctly hw u look. if we confronted in street, i would have no idea if we did confronted:D i seen u only from tech blogs sometimes. and i guess u wldnt know me either since u also hdnt seen me ever. so if you like me, please dnt do any act of coincidental meetup in street since i wld have prblem in getting to know you:D i wld think you are a stranger:D  (since i never seen u in real life:D)imean i would resemble you to you but wldnt be sure:D its silly talking words here to someone i never seen in my life before:D same is for yours side, you also never seen me ever:D


ok i still dnt know if that were made written by you to say things to me. or by other people to fool us(me/you) :)


ok i think if have time to chat sometime, i think we cld arrnge tht befre hand with something like call or message or text. but i dnt knw how to share my number with only sharing to you from here:D i even myself dont know my phone fully yet (its new, from a new operator in country i live) i check from the operator's app to check my phone number:) could check and write here but in that case everyone else wld read my phone nmber which is a thing i dnt wnt:)

ok if you wnt to hngaround/chat in a cafe sometime (yayy i think we cld talk lots of topcis from software topics,  but of crse when if u have time, you mght nt have time) you cld  send sme silly email so we could meetup/hangrnd? i mean i cnt shre my phne number in a public blog. but if ever intrsted to chat we could cmmncte by mail bfrhnd. or whatsapp. we cld also talk frm whatsapp if u wnt to talk when if u have free time. if ever u wnt to tlk(i see we could talk lots of software topics:)), i am here:) hmm my email is: guher.bozdogan.wrk@gmail or gbdgn@yahoo.com and whats app is registered on my previous phone number (which is 905398556118 (i handt changed whatsapp's phone number to new card number yet. (i ddnt passed that number change yet since i ddnt knew my new phone number until i downloaded phone operator\s app to the phone:)  i tried to enter the number i saw in the card holder of phone, turned out its another number. i could only learnt my phone number after i downloaded the operators app to my phone:) so this is why i had lagged in moving new number to whatsapp)) so whenvr u have free time and like to chat software thingies/life, i have these contact info:)


hmm so that article i read means 3 things:
either some people joked and trying to fool me. whilst u dnt nor ever liked me.
or you have reltdness to that article being written:P  in latter case, two
probabilities exist:
either you  meant you like me but wnt to erase this we topic frm ur head and tried to mean that. its ok. in that case we wont ever commncte then nor ever meet up.
or, you meant you like me :) and if this is(that you like me) whats happening:, i shared my contact details so that we could cmmncte when if you have some free time. cause i like u:) (by the way, if you like me and made tht artcle to shw that, you shld know i dfntly smiled alot:) it were both funny and both cute:) so if tht article were made written by you for to show u like me, then sneding this <3 to u for such funny&cute act :))







happy  day :) ciao:) guhu goes to sleeplands now.


i saw some coincidents on some thingsnewly.
hey i cant believe that u like me (whilst i m nt any super btfl)  but if its real tht u like me, wanted to say i like you &  accepting ur attention/interest ☺

(i do not know if you like me or not)

if you like me,  sending ❤ to your act of  picking my words to use in such tech news i newly seen.  dont know if you like me or not so sending ❤  if you like me😊
(it is not sure if that tech news shows you like me i read it 20 minutrs ago🙂)



 my day passed as:

there were musicians in the street of office today. i figure out it must be random coincidence i mean they were passing by. but were nice music. . hmm i discovered some new food today i ate pork schnitzel at a place near to office and discovered its a delicious food. or the place might done it good:)

tomorrow is holiday here. so gonna pass time around with coding things/maybe traveling little bit city.

hmm  coming back to article i read (some tech news article) my brain flied away to clouds asking whether its really multiverse and i slipped to a multiverse where extraordinary things happens to me like you liking me:)of course  this is an analogy but this is how i feel to the probability of you liking me(whilst i am not any super betfl), i ask, this is real? i mean really? cause there are tons of people much more btfl than me. why me:) not that i am unhappy for if you like me. i just cant believe. but if you like me, i am quite happy for this universe version i live inside that you like me:D but still have problems in internalizing such fact. it feels super good. your interest:)

ok, dont know if you really like me or is it just unrelated happenstances? i mean i am not any sure if you like me.

   and sending many hearts to that hmm "public" word including sentence (hiding sentence for noone to understand except you) , you talked as if you listen me :P this is super cute:) wov:)  (you did refernce to that right:D) ok,  and what would you want me to follow since i also listen to you:) as told, i wont look to anyone else which i am following. other else things you want me to listen to. i would.

ok its still unclear if you any like me. maybe you did just sarcastic references who knows:) i dont know.
hmm if you like me, as told, i would also listen to things you say to me like respecting  the other side's requests. ok were it a sarcastic joke you did or you really showed you listen/respect my requests from you? :)  as i told, you can also want me to listen to things for sure:)

that was cute. that public (and counter version of of public word) usage in such article:) (i dont name it very clearly since to make this communication hidden)

i still dont know whether you did a sarcastic joke in that reference or you really like me and communicate me hiddenly with such ways? (talking about public and some word which means antithesis of public word).

if you like me:) sending cute hearts from my blog to you :)  also wishing also a great day :) )


and i also had a chance to know how you look like from that article:) so if ever we confront in street i would definitely recognize:) i cant search your name since i am shy also:) but thanks for sharing so that i wont confuse you as a stranger if we confronted ever. thanks:) but that was also cute, covering all the page with your pictures:) i mean you did a funny response to my request of "i cant search your picture". that act was cute also:) for covering the page fully when i asked such query :) this makes me wonder if those musicians in street of my workplace any related to you? i think that were coincidence. but if it werent, i am too shy for such surprises:)  i would if asked, would prefer other things for surprises like flowers:P  music like things if unprecedently confronted i would be super shy:D i fastly entered office for even if it were just coincidence, i felt super shy:D if you like to do me surprises, all i would ask for jwould be just flowers.  (music thingies=> i would be super shy:D if something like that happens for me:) ) ok that music thing must be just a coincidence i think. i think most such surprise i would wanted is just sometime flowers very infrequently very very infrequently. by the way you dont have to feel need to constantly surprise me:) actually, you liking me is the biggest surprise to me in my life:)
i think the surprises or funny and cute sentences you say hidden to me are best as surprise topic:) i liked your hidden  sentences:) lke covering the full page with your photos whilst i said i cant search you in internet, its cute:)


wov i just cant believe you talk to me hiddenly this way:)


for all these hidden sentences acts i saw:
 these acts you do all this time are super cute:) i observe lots of acts(of hidden messages like that). i want to ask special questions like when this topic of our communication started if ever i have a chance to chat with you:) specifically wnt to ask some query about some thing:) about sometime:) i wonder soemthings alot:)if  have a chance to chat you sometime, would ask :)  for to ask whether those things were just unrelated timings of happenstances or were intentionally done as a hidden message to a coder on another continent?  :)



if you wonder what i do for now:
hmm so planning rest of day to read some humanities articles. i read some and felt i hadnt read alot awhile and my language skills of english is not super good  any, so either game coding thingy or readng humanities articles is planned for today. if i could concentrate after this nice surprise :) this were that new article i read were quite surprisee:) it said to me smehwo you might be really liking me:) (or not, i still dont know surely whats going on, maybe you did  a sarcastic joke who knows? :) i really dont know if you really like me or not. have truly none idea int hat. its just somethings cute things i observe in internet, but not surely know if they happen because you like me.  either you are doing a sarcastic joke to me or you really like me:) i have none idea for real:))


as told if you like me, i would plan my day in accordance to that. if you dont like any of my plans you could tell me and i would change it:) like going to France in winter, if you dont like that i wont:D so listening thing/respecting thngs exists in this communication of you&me:) if you dont like my plans just say:) )     (but you can trust that i wont look to anyone else other. so if i go to a holiday, you wont be need to stressed if i look to others. so decide those thigns like that. i like holidays like: discovering a place:) as next holiday i planned to travel French Alps for weekened maybe takign a day or two days leave off from workplace by thhat time. and then traveling with the car i hired along the mountains. but if you dont like me to go on a holiday,  i wont :) i also listen to you:)


by the way i have none idea if you like me or not:) so maybe you dont any like me:) i dont know whats going on:) but as said, i would plan my days with listening being respectful to yours requests for sure:) as seen you did replied to my request with a super cute way:) (so if you wont want me to go to any such holiday(2 or 3 months later), i wont :)) I wish you could understand how much surprise to me you are:) its like entering a universe where extraordinary & cute
things happens in my life:) and for sure your acts (hidden messages to a coder on another continent) are super cute:) thank you:) for those hidden messages all along:) so as told, if i would also listen to yours requests. e.g. if you dont want me to go to a holiday or my daiily plans, just say somehow:) i would be a respectful person in this cmmnctn /thing between us.







 and then also,
 i dont know if you really like me or you did a joke? or were it just timingly  correlated happenstances? i dont know whats going on.
though as said, if you like me, hmm i also like you and accept your like/attention:) and wishing a great day:)


-------


if you like me:  and want me to exist, then i go no where:) i mean, i would look to noone else than you:) and you can be cool about i dont look to anyone else than you:)
and that the previous article, that included something about some decorations on somewhere, hmm, i saw them:) ok :)
i dont know if you are behind these articles. (like the new one thats filled all with your photo :) ) if you are, if you like me, you can be cool about that i wouldnot look to anyone else other than you:) and would wait u to exist in my .
life:) this guhu accepts ur attention and finds your acts(of hidden messages) cute:)


so you are a jealous guy?  i would like guy i date to be jealous :)

i still dont any understand how i took yours attention:) i dont also know if you any like me and have attention to me. maybe you are completely unrelated to those articles:) i have none idea whats going on:) maybe you ar ecompletely unrelated and dont any like me. i truly dont know whats happening.


i still have no idea whether you like me or not:) maybe you dont any like me:D


ok but if you like me: wanted you to know i would wait you and  would look to noone else:) so if you like me, you dont need to stress for if i would go look someone else. nope i wont look to anyone else than you:)


if you like me:
and by the way in this thing between us, for now or any time in future, of course you can start disliking me anytime. i mean my like to you or accepting yours attention doesnt give you any responsibility to like me whilst you maybe decide to dislike or else. i mean this thing of my acceptence or liking you doesnt bound you any responsibility to like me while maybe you dnt.





and if you like me, as told, i would wait you to exist in my life:) i like you:) and your cute acts of hidden messages:)  i would wait your existence in my life and would look to noone else than you:) and would try to grasp whats going on in between us?

(i still dont know if you like me or not  by the way:) and would try to understand whats happening:) and would definitely wait you:) )



----------------------------------
 the below paragraph, told if you like me:
hmm and as told i plan after  2 or 3 months, planned my first holiday of wandering with a car i hired in mountain side of France (Alps some part of it). i like wandering places alot, specifically i like winter tourism alot. dirving a warrm car on a snowy road and stopping by scene sides or having coffee at stops/hotels or eating around or staying in a motel or hotel. i like this type of traveling of travelign some place like this. (hiring a car there and going there by trains or flights). and would of course wouldnt go to such holiday if you wouldnt want me to go. as told, for things like my plans of holidays  etc, i would listen to you if you dont like me going somewhere i would most possibly not then:)  hmm but i wish you wont find this holiday tthing in appropriate cause i really want to. but of course, i wont try to do anything that makes u unhappy/upset like you scaring of something happens.  i mean i were usually a solo traveler, but i dont know yours attitude in me traveling some place like with a car i hire in mountains/snowy places? or alike. as told, if you dont like that of course i would cancel such holiday:) but you should know i like such type of things alot but of course could cancel if that would make you upset. i wish it wont make you upset. but if it does, i would cancel such plans that makes u any upset.

so wondering how i would get your answer to your idea on my holiday plan. ok its something in 2 or 3 months. would learn by then then.(and of course i would cancel this holiday plan if it makes you upset somehow i dont know.).





yayy some game coding time.



---------------------
whilst i code game, since its kind of important day here (unification day here) wanted to add a 90s style'd haired motorcycler guy's drawing (instantaneous drawing) for to celebrate this nice important day.  i cant draw well but its a caricature that took 7 minutes but i cant invest more time to drawings. since i am not any expert. if i could repeatedly draw good or had a constant learned behavior in that drawing thing, i wuold maybe could also draw a picture for hours, but my drawings are instantaneous rather. this one:) to pass to east he had no chance before this character, celebrating this nice day:) this caricature is for. (is with 90s hair styles:))

ok i am not any good but i am interested drawing things like expressions. if i could advance in. like smiles you see in animes but in humans. but as since i dont have a repeated quality in drawing i dont know if i could have such hobby. but it makes me happy to draw smiling people:) if i could enhance that. then maybe i also do attend drawing things on walls or buildings for where there is permit to do so, if there is such activity here:)  felt as if there is suhc thing here but dont know:D
want to enhance in this expressions thingy. and create a comics with very nice expressions. anyway. this were a dream from 3 years ago. but since i dont have repeated qualty in drawing or lack of studying thing, that thing never happens. but maybe here might happen. so now passing to game coding. i wanted to draw something for this unification day with a 90s hair style:)


i couldnt make tooth good any or mouth. have to work on those to be better. other than that i figure out i could be into this comics drawing hobby. ok i think this comics drawing or illustrations drawing (to stories) is one hobby that i would do sometime if i advance. i want to if i advance create illustrations to characters i read in stories:) if i could advance to a repeated quality level in that:) but i am not sure i could. cause i lack skills to study a domain topic usually. so lets see what happens. i figure out i would never enhance my goal in that since i wont repeatedly study drawing. i know myself:D i would never enhance in short time. but maybe from time to time, by one drawing a month, i could enhance such thing? lets see. i got an idea like, if something  is fun, it shouldnt be studied. it should be done when you like to do it. looking to drawing or any domain knowledge in any area like that for years. i do study when i am curious to. or draw when i want to. so i never enhance in any area good asa a result. leisure versus task styled establishing things. i usually follow the leisure style way:) as a result i never enhance my knowledge in topics super well. and maybe because also i lack talent in anything that necessitates talent. yepp. anyway.:)

i think i like drawing today:) this took 5 minutes:P i think i might be into drawing cartoons or illustrations sometime if i advance in this thingy i like to do sometimes:  (i dont know if i would be able to enhance my level in this thingy)
i am in to drawing today alot. this is the third thingy i drew:D

i once when in airport tried to create a comics with creating characters and create story lines. but couldnt draw well. but if i could draw nice, this guy below would be a scientist.  the upper guy wouold be a motorcyclist.

i think i would create a scifi story with below guy as main character:) if i could repeatedly draw. would try. then would make it as a story in net:p but needs lots of characters to be created. hmm first first game. but doesnt seem reading such scifi thing be interesting little bit. hmm but first game project thingy. then solipsism analysis studies aha sorry then hurricanes analysis ok adding this drawing as a side task to timme i study on learning about hurricanes. 

ok in thingies the comics scientist would do hmm lets not give any clue. hmm i feel as i would postpone this comics creating hobby but dont know. first and first obligatory thing is games thing as hobby. yepp lets continue coding game .

ok drawing hobby is back visibly. specifically today:) (even if i dont have much talent.)

take machine learning, only studied since i hated not understanding machine learning articles:P not as a task mindset:P i wish people tauhgt me some discipline to study to tasks when i were a kid. lacking such thing is not nice but i am like this. in tasks that i have to study i fail. discipline? what that word means ever after all:P no one taught me any discipline ever in doing tasks. :)

for instance i would study humanities to be able to talk like humanities people which i like to attain. but not as a task since i am curious to its intersection with other sciences. but hadnt yet. now that my life is not stressful, i would continue that type of readings that i had stopped 3 years ago. i liked to read humanities while i am commuting to work everyday:) its like keys to understanding galaxy those knowledge areas so i like reading them. but left for 3 years. would resume. this is things from silly guhu's life:P

lets now continueing game thingy. searched mutable list versions of scala. i know using a mutable list in scala is not the best thing. but should. since this list buffer like thign really really i think really its api's are really so easy to use wrongly like i many times wrongly added items to list so that my triangulations didnt worked out. lets use a mutablbe list version.
ayyy  this halflife 2 music is awesome:) i know its silly:) but i like listening sometimes:D



let these below important sentences be here as its the most active context of my blog:))))



if you dont like me, its ok.
and if you like me: i would in any case would wait you and look to noone else in any context/place i am in.  would wait you to exist in my life:)
 (you can be sure fully sure, that i would never look to anyone else other than you:) cause you have stolen my attention/likes so much with those acts of hidden messages :)  you can be quite cool about not losing me if you are any afraid to lose.  i would wait you. after all these blatant acts of hidden messages, i promise my commitment to you:)  though of course this doesnt bound you to any responsibility of liking me if you like and but decide to dislike.  anyway, so this is the thing:) i accept yours attention if you like me:) (and also dont any know if you like me or not:) ) )

--------------

and the other thing, if we exist whenever life lets such thing in your side, i would want this to be hidden:P but of course can change my attitudes in life or align to yours balancedly, i mean if that bothers you i can change also:) is not this things like that. that when I care someone, I can change for him:)

------------------

so if you like me:
ok so you hmm whenever life lets you to attend, we could go such road travel holiday together you genius guy:) (you are blue or green eyed right? . i added this last sentence for to make you sure i am talking to you and not anyone else:)  since these sentences are kind of little bit cryptic little bit very open:)  i wanted you to be sure i tell these sentences to you:)  not that there is anyone else in my life, but wanted to assure you its you i am talking. )

ok that act of that page full of your photo is super cute:) thanks for these cute acts (of hidden communication like this:))



ok but not any of those surely says you any like me, but if you like me as told, i accept yours attention:)
--------------------------------

the person i am talking to :P (with hidden messages) :
ok i think ur eye colors is  blue. not green. or light green. i dont know actually. but looks like that. (its neither brown or black or hazel). nope please dont need to urgently answer this query with an article genius guy:) who talks in a lovely way to me:) i dont know for sure if you are behind those articles:) and if you are, this is sweet:)
you dont have to answer this query  with sharing a picture full of your picture:P i now wont confuse you as a stranger:D thank you for that:)
by the way, last day a lad laughed out loud in subway and looked to me and i asked what is she laughing me at so i turned back since thinking she finds something super funny in me. (ok my jacket might be a little funny i dont know). then this lady resembles someone as i figure out right now. not sure though. so she werent laughing at my jacket but for doing spying on me:P or not. who knows. might be totally somebody else not that lad. ok.

by the way this jacket is something we millenials like. its furry (since we like such things that are like blankets  that makes us feel like inside a huge blanket:P  not that much liking serious clothes. sometimes liking but i think this jacket quite fits me:P it feels like blanket:) only thing bad about is its things falls to ground. it might be funny looking one me i dont know. since i also put on my hood on which i like. i missed city life so these type clothes makes me feel like living in city life:) things with hood i dont know why such clothes makes feel like in city life:) and since subway takes 30 minutes, i since dont read anything there yet, i usually take a nap, and the hood which is flurry little bit feels like i am sleeping inside a blanket at home. this cloth is definitely super super nice. its good to take naps in subway (since everyday at least 1 hour passes in subway. i usually take a nap:P and this jacket makes me feel as if i am sleeping at my home:) other peoeple have this jackets so i dont think it looks funy. i mean i am not the only one who wears this jacket type:))



other thing which makes me wonder is how do you know that doceration in somewhere. i dont know if thats you who knows that decoration and uses in that article. in place somewhere, there is a butterfly deco and i newly seen today either. how could you  know that. is it you behind that article. if thats like that, i would send a song to you:) for since i start replying to your cute acts:) (i dont know if any you like me and whether if you are behind those acts). you are not you smaller than me in age wise. it seems weird for that. snce i dont like to date withh people smaller aged than me. but since you are more intellgnt than me, i wont make that problem. i think you are 1 or 2 years smaller than me. i dont know exact dif. but since you are more intellgnt than me, i wont make age dif a problem:)

though still dont any know if you really like me or not. maybe other people are behidn those articles. i would see in time. whether you like me or not in time i figure out.

and if you are behind that article, i definitely liked you being a jealous guy since i think jealous things shows love :) no one ever said me such love holding sentence to me before:) so you could be sure i would never ever look to someone else and would wait you. even if i dont know if you like me or not.   i mean maybe you dont anyn like me. but doesnt matter. i could wait even for probability of you like me. since noone ever did such actswith that much cuteness to me before. my relations were just so shallow always.  i think its first time i see find deep something in some one :) noone ever did got jealous that much of me :D so i liked it:P i dont know if you were behind that article. maybe you dont any like me either. i would sometime learn.

its i usually like to like people who ar emore intellgnt than me or crazy than me. but i cant find usually such people. i feel super lucky if you like me since you are much much more intellgnt than me:) so if you like me, that means i found some counterpart deeper than me that likes me :) normally its nto an easy task to find someone like me.  your acts makes me feel special:)
though as told, this thing doesnt give you any responsibility to love me. i mean you can of course anytime stop liking me when you dont feel like liking me. (we millenials and our understandings of relationships. actually there is no stereotype int his maybe:D so wrong generalization:P )


but as long as you like me, i would also like you:) <3


if you like me: (if you are the one behind those articles i saw)  
by the way  :P dont want to bother you with a thing but dont you think there a blocking condition for us to have some relation:P ok i would  wait you by the way:) but of course as told you can give up liking me i dont wnt be any mental responsibility on you for thinking you gave me any promise. thats why i repeated since i dont wnt to make you feel as if you have  a responsibity to love me for since i like you for since you say some hidden messages wotj some acts for which reasons i dont surely know for sure. maybe you just like me as a friend and do those acts for that. but that wall decoration thing related one is not like any friend? but dont also know if you are behind that? so its not any little bit sure that if you like me or not. you see that i am a super strong person emotionally so i can handle heart breakes so if you any time decide to give up on liking me, you can of course. cause i am kind of artist little bit or into being one. i would get lost in artdrwaing thingies if such thing happens and i have self healing powers. so  if you like me really, and but give up, dont feel any responsibility to do so, since this guhu is a multidimensional perosn(i am both art sided and both coding sided:P though i dont think i am intellgnt alot in code side:P) , can heal herself with even drawing art thingies. have super power in healing self thingies. i am usually most of the time a happy person. (only time i depressed were i figured out i have an unrelated phobia but i figure out i can handle it. ) so the thing i wanted to say is, i dont want to be ever any responsibility in your mind if you give up liking me anytime now or in future.
so i would like you as long as you like me:)  if you stop liking me and say to me i would also stop in sometime.


by the way i dont any know if you really like me or whether all these were coincidences:) i think i would understand in time:)  i think you are super cool by the way. ok cant deny after your acts i cant stop falling in love to you:P cause never ever any one made me feel this special. you have superpwoers in making me feel special i think:) as a genius you might have super powers in other things like coding or else. but you make me feel special. i never felt such thing in anyone's attention to me before. and i dont like a person a lot if is not more intellgnt than me. so you being more intellgnt than me and showing such attention to me, i cant deny i cant stop falling in love to you even if there are blocking things for this love topic :P i see ga deep sea a deep soul and a genius sarcastic and cute funy things sayin person in you. for all these acts. i just still dont any understand how you look to me whilst i am not any super beautiful:) but quite happy for that and accepting yours attention:) maybe you started liking weirdo people? is it such thing ? i dont know how i took your attention but quite happy for that:)   ok i also think you look also super cool:) i still dont get how you look to a non super btfl lad? but its ok and i accept your's attention for sure:) if you are really showing any attention. i dont know if you do. in case you are showing i accept:) ok this is a very complex situation i know. but i have no problems in being in a complex siutation cause i never seen someone like you in my life and its really hard for me to find people more intllgnt than me usually. when i found someone who is more intllgnt than me, for sure, i would also wait him even if there is a complex situation. i like fun people. and deinitely confirm you are super funny:) i am not as funny as you so you might easily dislike me i infer:P ok thats also ok as i told. i have super healing powers if you start dislikng me anytime and if you are any liking me:) maybe this is all a misunderstanding and you dont any like me in real life. but if you like me, wanna say i accept yours attention:) and would wait you:) 


i liked your funny responses alot:) like me asking saying i am shy to search you in internet:) than you sharing such thing full of your photo:) its both funny and super cute:) i liked your funny side super much along your super cute other acts i saw of jealousy or like things (that type of hidden messages). when i said fashion you said you support fashion somehow indirectly even if not directly:) its cute:) would you like me to be a designer, i might try being:) if you like design topics:) but my main interest is currently doing illustrations of smiling people. since thats the essence of humanity: happy topics like love or being unsad:) so if i would do any trying to learn art act, it would be learning drawing expressions since i want to draw expressions. some time i were interested to try drawing hands. but lack of discipline is one unncie thing in that. anyway. maybe i could progress with 3 drawings a week, yepp, that might be my feat in trying to learn things in art side. for being a designer topic, i might try but that were a childhood hobby that feels not super in my area now. now illustrations to stories feels interesting in terms of current art interest window.  i like black and white paper drawings and like illustrations inside books of places/events. but if you wanted me to try being a designer i would:) if you like such topics? cloth design thingies drawings were my interest area in childhood times. i figure out lots of  like that drawing of clothes activities maybe.  i think if i had chance to get training of it in highschool might progressed little bit or might have not. who knows.3 years ago my interest were drawing hands. 5 years ago for a long time it were trying to draw ballets or dancing people. and when i were very young and were kid i liked to draw clothes. i think most kids do like. i dont have much talent but drawing allways have took place in my life i think. hmm i like to try drawing comics or illustrations like things. depictions of circumstances like a webpage's title page or some chapter inside a book. or comics or stories. anyway too much talking about me:) its a hobby to draw. and visibly i am not any talented:P

ok i still dont get how i took ur attention:) since i am not super special(not any genius in anytopic) nor super btfl either:P  and you showing attention makes me feel special:) and forget this stupid topic of being special or not, i know you would think such topic is stupid. but the thing i liked most in this communication is not only you made me feel special, but is your funny sarcastic acts. i liked them the most in our communication :) anyway i figure out i am uninteresting right now. i should take care in that since i have a higher intellgnt super cool counterpart and shouldnt talk too much repetitive uninteresting sentences i infer. please tell me sometime what you dont like so i wont do such things:) but you dont have to answr that like you did with repeated photo page:) ah that was both super sarcastic and i liked it. and you detouring the topics i like about thats super cute:) you know what i am talking about i think.

please tell me what you dont like in people. so i would try to not ever do such things:P  or i could search that. right. please dnt feel urged to answer that in a cute funny way:) i would search this one myself :)

this falling in love thing is an interesting thing. i think i am falling in love to you:)but i should learn what things you dont like or what kinds of things you dislike so that i care of my acts against you so that i dont lose yours attention (if exists)

for instance if you dont want me blogging, i can stop instantly:) or other thigns you could say and i could change my things you dislike about me.

i hadnt understood your jealousness level to me. for instance if i go to a holiday in winter with you surely know i wont ever look to noeone else (as if there is anyone as cool as you ever:) when i like someone, that person becomes the coolest person of my universe. but unbounded from me, you are super cool yourself. i mean its not a subjective thing of my mind. i mean you are already a super cool person. anyway i know you also would find this being cool or not topic super uninteresting, so stopping talking such slly topics right. i sometimes talk silly sentences. but since i like you, i should stop doing silly acts i infer like talking my usual silly sentences like coolness etc. i should become lesser unitnersting person i think.  ok gonna resume reading humainties so i be less uninteresting to you with my usual repetitive sentences. if you like me. i dont know if you like me or not for sure. but if you like me, gosh that is a super happy thing.  )
the thing i discovered about you you have a veyr sharp intellgnce and sarcastic mind. i feel not having such things of being a funny person like you so i scared i would seem uninteresting to you. anyway trying to be someoe you would like more not anyperson you would lose interest:) thats my current agenda in this hidden communication with you:)  dont want to lose you if you exist:) dont know if you exist or not:) my life's most important topic is that now:P  since i am falling in love to you. for what i cuold do for not to lose you:) (if you exist:) dont know if you exist or not:) dont any know if you like me or not:))


guhu goes to sleep lands now. or would code little bit then would go.




ok i dont any know if you like me, & if you like me:
hey, have a super day you funny&cute my hidden secret crush:)
(i think i should learn what you dislike so that i dont lose you if you like me:) be like if you dont like me blogging i can stop blogging or other things. like i wont go to solo holidays if you dont like such things (whilst you can always be sure i wont look to anyone else than you, but if that makes you upset, i wont go to any solo holiday)  would try to change things of me that you dislike:))


ok maybe you dont any like me and that article were not any from you. i have none idea:)  if you like me, i like u and accpt urs attention:)













some silly dya summary below:P
how my day passed. i were due to over portioned pork schnitzel in noon felt like sick. i am not used to portions here. its like people i think since they are kinda bigger people or they like to eat more i dont know why but portions here are like 3000 calories i think? last time i ordered that food, that wernt this much,  this time it came super much like 2 portions. and its fried. and i ate alot. then i think this were too much for me. ok for a long while i wont eat any schnitzel even if its delicious. i liked pork schnitzel alot:) (its something new to me. since Turkey is a muslim, there is of course pork products but i dont see in restaurants usually. so its something new and i liked it. its more delicious than hmm chicken. but this were too much. i feel like my blood were full of fat:D i am not used to that much big portions. actually schnitzel size is large also in Turkey but this were so much i think it were not normal portion. i felt like oburix in the end:P then even if eating such high calories is not so much in noon, i after market shopping and buying very heavy things to carry (i did first ever big shopping here i started to cook food newlly and have a funny story about it actually not that funny but little bit, anyway i started using owen so its my first big shopping here. then looking to that heavy bags with sadness, then i saw an Italian pizza shop right beside the shop. and i first ever tasted Picorno's pizza (people are really from there and in the menu, they also have Pizza Picorno and as if i knew that, i chosen that without knowingl y, some people there explained this pizza shop is worked by people from Picorno. so I took Picorno pizza from people from Picorno and it were really really delicious. but of course i hadnt only eaten two slices i think after suhcc noon even two slices is too much. i think i definitely suggest that pork schnitzel but i dont know the place. (thought i think i wont be able to eat any fried food for long time. since actually i never eat aany fried food usually most of the time. and eating that much fried foodwere kind of i dont know i think instead of blood fat passed through my veins in later day:P since i am atheist, i have no problems with eating pork. (Islam forbids it as i remember. but i am atheist). (every religion has lots of do this do that things. i respect religions but i am atheist). i were listening whether culural evolution or biological evolution happens in real like or is there something like human biology or is there anything like culture that separate from biology in noon. then i felt i would pass out after that much fat in my blood. and stopped listening for a while but i liekd that podcast. what were things religions puts as rules called? i dont know. i being ignorant told as "do this/dont do that" things. for actually i am in the belief of that religion is also a part of that unified cultural biological evolution.  i mean what religions says are tied to definitely i think biological evolution like religions are cultural rules's collection. so if we see cultural evolution as a unified unseparable process wtr to human nature, or if we similarly cant separate human nature from culture, i think in that religion stays  exactly as culture part. religion looks as cultural evolution. though i am atheist. but i respect religions for sure. ok if i wernt listening anthropology i would still feel as i am ill/gonna pass out. that were too much fat. i like listening anthropology. it werent any related to anthropology.  but i felt like super bad. ok tomorrow would eat super super extremely healthy. except noon:P for noon 2 pizza slices exist :P  and i faved this pizza from Picorno. it feels still funny to choose that pizza without knowing those people are from Picorno (so Picorno pizza must be their best pizza i think so i were quite silly lucky to unknowingly select that one from lots of pizzas there:))yeah it were really good. i think this is a day i definitely need to go outside and run or do something. but i cough bad usually rececnt times. (that illness of sore throat had turned to cough. so i think sports is not something doable right now. i now dont cough but at times cough. so would try to fix that then i would had ran. aw it looks so fun to run outside now since i liked air. but its not a feasible thing to do right now. after i get well from  coughing i can run. for in a day like this, i definitelyy need to run. that were too much fried food. ) i think that anthropology podcast, since i were listening to it, i forgot myself and ate so much. i neednt eat that much. its because of getting focused in to podcast and forgeting how much i ate the moment. and podcast were awesome. tried to show whether cultural evolution is actually spearable from biological evolution/developmental theories or their 2 process' feedback's places in that mechanisms. ('th.at mechanisms', i hate this mental mode of not beign able to use appropriate words to pharaphrase or summarize some topic i listened in noon since i dont read/listen things alot last 3 years. i need to continue listening maybe my language would become better after. and also i like to learn anthropology since its always nice topics and very highly  tied to sociology. that podcast mentioned symbolic interactionism and i mean anthropology&sociology quite related disciplines i think. (in terms of mechanisms being rooted sourcing from anthropology side and most conceptual level be in sociology side. so its like anthropology is one lower ontology levle in that. i might be thinking wrong but looks like this to me.)
i think i gonna walk little bit. even if i cough. cause i really feel super much eaten than a normal day:P and i liked the air so much actually. so walking sports time:)  maybe just 40 minutes or alike. cause i really need to do some sports after this much fried food/pizza foods today. ok silly .  i would eat nothing for the rest of the week.i actually try to eat healthy since i couhg. but this definitely ddnt go well. i mean this much fried food wernt any little bit healthy. ok plannign to code some game code today. then also plannig to do drawings.  is not sometimes art fun:P my desire to draw is back:) i hadnt felt any big desire to draw  but these days my want to draw caricatures/comics/illustrations is back:) maybe i write a story with the scientist cartoon i drew:) yayy why not:) yayyy my drawing thing is back:) is my noroephrine  or noreadrenaline? what wer eit?  were it noroephirne? in lack of noroephrine you dont want to do lots of things and become lazier. i am usually lazy. but i even ddnt wanted to draw.  so think my norephrine might be lower (since a sociopath woman stalked me as i told) and its back. my drawing want is back. i would visibly continuoysly continue draw here and yayyy target is writing comics. so first thing starts with drawing that scientis's cartoon. it would be an introspection fo a scientist while is walking in the streets in a rainy day. that scientist i would animate in the cartoon:) yayyy :) looks as super fun to do. ok is this were that lack of neuroephrine that i lacked drawing in life? (since i had too much stress due to being stalked by a sociopath woman:S since i am rreally over trauma of that horrorful soul state i been) and now i rewant to draw like i used to before:) nice:) so i figure out, i would create stories in internet:) the first one passes around that scienties with curly hair. :D yayyyy my noroephrine is back or noreoadrenaline so that i become lesser lazy to draw:) i like to now draw llike i used to 3.5 years ago. and even more little bit since i hadnt drew alot. lets call it not drawing, but trying to learn drawing.  i mean all my previous self trials were mostly learning trials. now i would draw my first cartoon. since i think cartoon needs not that much detail, looks as a doable task from outside. i wish i could establish it. thought i would still be lazy to drawing for hours. but i think i would create cartoons, since i wont be lazy for that since its not that much detailed cartoons thing. yayy i think publishing cartoons in net would be super fun:) and also i want to publish muy game some time which i infer would take a long time? or not maybe i got faster in that:) ok life is awesome:) creating things feels awesome:P (as usual i talked without creating things beforehand:) but i figure out i am back in drawing business and game thingy even slowly progresses:) yepp:) ) i want that 90s hair styled motorcyclist guy also in my cartoon of scientist's cartoon. hmm. would put a little bit Wittgenstein with reading about him (since its the trend in creative things to talk about consciousness or Wittgenstein Kant:) its the hype:P) ok it would be an introspection of a scientist person's mind maze/ideas/plans. and a nice smooth flowing cartoons/caricatures' of city scape and rain. (i dont think i could draw perspective projection nicely yet.  i bought some thing from kindle libs but i hadnt studied well but i think that part must have great detail. )
ok no sports since restarted coughing. ok cancelled sports. instead would eat half of orange remaining from yesterday. ii bought tangerine lets see if c vitamin and healthy food cooked at home makes me get well. but its(coughing) much better than sore throat which were very quite painful. i thin k this orange fruit wonder where it originated and have no idea but is really super thing.  overate this fruit when i were a kid. i figured out a funny architecture of to give general sociology talks as i listened once from a lecture:P it just starts with giving reference to identity development periods then moves on talking about cultural evolution/biological evolution/ and etnographic studies and social mechanisms. i once listened such lecture and i said, wov its like a pattern to build any sociology speech:) that were a generalized sociology talk. of course people tackle specific issues/topics that were just only one talk like that it were a maybe introduction lecture i dont know.  the most recent specific topic that itched my curiosity were serotoning related studies on development of leftist/rightist attitudes:P (and people would hate me for talking such topics?). whether you have leftist or rightist brain is also connected to food intake. but this is a study that resides on the edge of ethics so but also took my curiosity alot. i mean like querying whether we could separate culture from biology (such weird topic), then this was another thign that, actually what kind of brain foundations we have  are little bit related to food we take. but as said, its s asutyd on the edge of ethics. its like genetic engineering studies these studies:P.  but i forgot the exact experiment they try on people for checking our leftist/rightist attitudes. but were such an experiment. is not it interesting? maybe not maybe it is. it were quite specific topic. i might be confusing two podcasts by the way. i think i would try to relistne with finding them. i think serotonin pills impact in things were another one and food's impact on being leftist/rightist were another one. all weird studies:P arent these topics weird:P

i think if i gonna need any bypass of my veins this today might have some reason:D i never eat any fried food (and even with tehat i am little bit fat cause i ate too much carbohydrates. might even eating fried food be even healthier than that).


walked in the rain and it were fun:) after pizza for sure. since carrying those shoping bag wernt fun but rain made it little bit more refreshing/fun.



ok by the way, still have weird feeling about the article that referenced wall decoration in balcony of my temporary apartment i live in. think that your blog/the decoration in your wall gets referenced in a news article. i thought he were in love to me and he had written that. now i think he might not be behind that. but its very weird time. this time in outside a hate picture is drawn on a car. ok. hmm i really have a weird life. the things i get write here i see in a popular news paper. its very very weird. it feels like lviing in a simulation. who is doing this?:) i really have no idea whats happning in my life right now in that. who knows the decoration of butterflies on my wall in balcony of my home? and similarly are those people related to the hatred slogan thats newly added to a car in the street. ok this is super weird.the most weird thing is, i read an artcile which is passing in past but is directly referncing what i write in my blog with the decoration in my relative's home's balcony. then thats reason i thought he is behind that and likes me. but now i rethink, he might not be any. other people might be. ok life definitely become weird.

it were kind of very romantic to receive such article that passes in past but exactly references my blog that i thought he loves me. but now rethinking, seeing the hatred slogan in car thats newly added in street, none articles might be any related to him. it might be just stranger people trying to mess with me. but it were really weird. my life is weird.  i think that i found a loving super intellgnt super cool guy and but it might be just deceival of strangers and not he any loves me and not he any related to these things i confront in my life most possibly.

just i dont know why i take attention of media then:) i dont any know why:)? hi media:) whats going on? i have none idea why media focused attention to me:) hey media due to yours article i thought that super cool likes me whilst he might not be any liking me.
by the way, whom observes the butterfly decoration in temporary house i live. i newly seen it yesterday. never focused it. and than i said what. since the article also included butterflies. ok i thought that article were a romantic one saying you cant date other people and you can date only me. then i said, wov i found a super intellgnt and super jealous and super cool guy (i know i am a weirdo for liking jealous thing of guys:P i like i cant lie:P  we are all evolutions's craft of course some of us like macho things:p not all macho things of course though some of them) then i figure out i might be completely deceived to by strangers? unrelated people. most possibly that article were not any related to him. ok then who is doing this trying to mess my head acts?

ok hi media:) hello:) i dont know why you focused me. i am just a silly lady who likes  sociology/anthropology/philosophy alittle bit. maybe asperger for liking those like things or maybe not asperger i dont know. but why do you focus on me? :) i really have nothing interesting thats happening other than stranger unrelated people tryign to fool me i think. i am not any mediatic person :) hi and wish good media things all:) i have ntohing interesting happening in life other than some people trying to fool me as if some persno(with either blue or green eyes i dont know still) likes me. whislt noone ni  life likes me. thats whats going on. no mediatic things happens in my life:P .

and i talk about solo traveling i see solo traveling. whats your thing with me hey popular newspaper:) i have nothing mediatic in my silly life really:) but thanks i felt like i am the center of universe and this is a simulation that extraordinary things happens to me like seeing my blog in newspaper:) i think this were one of the coolest thing happening in my life:) thanks:) ok but i am sorry but noone really likes me and i think someone is trying to fool as if someone likes me in a very differnt way.  i thought that super cool guy likes me for an instant due to article i read. but today thinking, those articles might be most possibly written by strangers that aretrying to fool me.

i have weird stories to media:P but pseudo science ones:P little bit crazy ones:P do you believe in mediums media? :P i dont also believe:P but the following incident made me also thought whether is it a simulation: i once made a sculpture and her hair somehow resembled princess leia, i said aw sculpture looked very bad(it ddnt looked any beautiful), but her hair looks nice like Leila's hair.  then next day in news i read real life Leia passed away. that time i little bit asked whether is it a simulation.  now the second time i ask fi this is a simulation upon seeing my blog in yours newspaper:) its like being in I hadnt watched that movie but that movie where the guy discover's his life is not any real life but a shell of real life (ah forgot the movie's name). your interest media makes me feel like its a simulation my life feels like a simulation right now since extraordinary things happens like media's nterest to my silly life:P


ok i think next cartoon after scientist's Wittgenstein style queries based introspection doing one, i would do cartoon of myself, of that Leia incident. and store that as a weird thing of life.  for being open to simulation idea for real. that this life might be really a simulation maybe who knows?

ok i like merging topics like a soup. and since i am a new bie in areas i am curious to. not any expert. so soup state is of course natural state. like talking about using Wittgenstein in my silly non detailed cartoon of scientist doing introspection with Wittgenstein is a copy of Wittgenstein usage in a sculpture in burning man festival. it had both Wittgenstein and consciousness queries and in backgroun Rachmaninoff were playing. not that i am any expert in Wittgenstein. i am newbie in reading their core ideas but hadnt read their any articles yet.

but from philosophy i like the most, Camus before/little bit Sartre/ now my fav is Foucault's  systemmatic thinking. and some philosopher's weird  way of tryign to take back learnt  and take to Roman times ideas for to nourish creativity.  or simulacrum's inventor's ideas i want to read about. but just a newbie.

but you would also get lost in listening philosophy podcasts that discovers conscioussness i rewanted to listen. its one hobby. listening things philosophers tell about consciousness. i think lots of other people like that, reading or listening about it.

have you ever read religious/atheist ideas contest with philosophy of Aristothales/ Galileo being discussed. they are so sweet texts.  so even if i am not relgiious, i know religion is order and whilst for me its cultural evolution, its something very important in all. cause we wont have a unified calendar if religions didnt existed and the Roman traditions of innovations were also spread by religions so whilst i am atheist, i also respect religions alot cause development in world or core innovations came from them or development enriching or like we use digital dividends word alot, i think that religion formed a non digital dividends for to  cultures to flourish. with creating carrying successful Roman innovations spreading it all along.  though now we have Blockchain which is one step next of Roman innovations, how superior cultural/sociological innovations they had that their main innovations are after how many years are little bit changed by blockchain thing. though in era of quantumm computing that blockchain thing is kinda different tech set to me. but private blockchains i think could flourish in future. dont know alot about these topics. but this is my explanation that whilst i am atheist, i am respectful alot to religions. since they spread cultural innovations/ maybe even modified cultural evolution to some big extent (have no extensivve idea on that side yet) but technological innovations, like the main calendar used now that has less days spin due to Milankovitch cycles i think, were definitely invented by religions. so it were like, all tech were all innovations were initial ones were spread usually (most of them) were spread by religions. though i am an atheiist. anyway talked too like a  newbie. i wish i could talk like that religious/atheist ideas contest i read that i felt awe my mouth left open.

i like to read things about consciousness and some podcasts about that are mesmerizing which references Kant/Wittgenstein (taking alittle bit linguistics roots) and anthropology. I like this merging of different ideas. but when experts do it we like to listen but i do it like a newbie since i am not even a newbis.e:P but goal is to learn more and being more expert of this soup talent of merging different disciplines in same topic's analysis. its always mesmerizing to listen to that podcasts from philosophy people that gave their years to that areas of course. we arent expected to be experienced like them but at least little bit merge talent i want to have in later :P

so i like doing soups of concepts. not an expert merge. like referencing Wittgenstein in my future cartoon. it would eb a soup since i am not expert in consciousness topics and not read all of Wittgenstein's texts in that. so its a 101-level person's soup. not even 101 level. so i use lots of merging effort in my blog of different aareas, it becomes like a soup since i am not any expert. but as told i like neanderthals might had imitated human's ear rings without really understandign culture of them, i am 101 less than 101 level and following the hype in that:P by the way Neanderthal's were not any low form of humans but just different and actually with bigger brain case. its said that their dependence of energy might had them gone in that climate even 40000 years ago? that stratosphere were filled with particles with a volcanic eruption so that sun radiation lesser levels reached to the ground. byt he way this is a startup\s idea to deal with climate change. we could imitate those process but might be also risky. i liked the using of algeas type in oceans or creating much more forests idea. cause our own atmosphere's most oxygen were created by actually photosynthesis. world as we know did not had this much 02 or 03 level. it were photosyn thesis\s work. ok moving from topic to topic is also a thing i like to do as visible:P that in fighting climate change, i also wonder such startups alike that puts algea to ocean but thats also risky. but also wondering the atmospheric ones stratospheric ones. and we know how sun radiation works, even a reflector around world might work though it wont be easy it hink. maybe imitating 40000 years ago thingie that erased Neanderthals from world (i might be remember wrongly chronologically) we might do that to save life from 1.5 degrees increase in further 50 years. i read that numbers from my fav physicist i like to read (Berkeley Earth institute founder). though he likes nuclear energy as i read. i am not intellgnt enough to asses whether nuclear energy is good or bad but my emotions on that is not nice since we grew up with Chernobyl's horrific story. its the nth time i resembled myself to Neanderthals:)  (now since i resembled my Wittgenstein usage in my comics to Neanderthals creation of earrings just to copy what humans do but without actually understanding that. not that i copy like that, but since i am a newbie, it resembles that:D since i like to copy the trending things like consciousness discussions in art works. and i remember saying other time resembling myself to Java island residents since noone know how they passed to mainlands whilst there were a ship technology, i use that alot in saying things like if my this work succeeds i would be like those Java island guys/lads:D (they are thought to be transferred via a flood like thing.:D) by the way i like the woman's emphaty to Neanderthals (i resemble myself alot in lots of daily life incidents to Neanderthals by the way) in that listening i want to share. (though i do think they might be much more intellgnt than me for sure. it were stratosphere event time, it were very bad days. ) now climate change is such thing but ways to deal with it could be more adventure things like playing with strateosphere to fight with climate change, of course other people wont do any adventure in such things. its good that i am not a scientist somehow, i would say lets do :P of courses the fav physicsits would calculate te benefits cost/benefit analysis of such act super well of the risks of playing with stratosphere. by the way i seen stratosphere not in real life, but from a video:P(since i have a silly coarse grained atmosphere model in my game but i am stucked in silly tasks right now. one small step a time it progresses super slowly   its the latest boldly visible layer as i remember.
i figure out things i like to do is moving from topic to topic in thigns i talk. and creating a soup since i am not any expert in any of them:P ok i adore scientists but sometimes they are super mean, like, seeing neanderthal remainings of earrings and usage of dyes for earrings, the scientists said we dont believe neanderthals were in level of cultural evolution to create them, they must seen from humans they told. i resemble that funny thing to my usage of Wittgenstein in my cartoon, since i am not any expert of Wittgenstein (guhu the neanderthal:P )ok third time i told the same funny thing of resembling myself to neanderthals:P ok once were enough:P

there is a mean attitude of scientists sincex they have to be raitonal right? i infer that thing been visible in my scientist drawing. is not there such feeling in that. i do felt such feeling and i said yes i reflected that feeling of rational scientist view. of course scientists are usually fun but when it comes to scirnce they seem to always follow rationality so deeply and do rude comments like "neanderthals must had copied this from humans:P" this was quite funny to read about:P that made it my second fav analogy of myself:) first is java islands old ancestors, second, this one:D i like to do analogy of myself to such analogies:D


and lets add more ingredients to the topcis soup: we talked about raitonality. nice sociology also analysis what is rationality. phillip demealuaner's articles i remember if i dont remember wrongly. but nicer analysis are from postmodernism course teacher:)  for our stigmas about allways being rational. for our romanticising that science can explain everything. it tries to and i believe it would increaisngly explain but maybe up to some limit some time. but the rationality stigmas, which left consciousness studies get stagnant. we humans have silly stigma creation capability:P want to listen about this from anthropologists for sure also. in etnographic side.

ok my fav thing is being like neanderthal now and use of wittgenstein in my cartoons:P ok i would be less neanderthal and reread about him again. but that consciousness topic is a pit if you enter you can never go outside. (its like my game:D since it never gets fastly developed) i mean if you start reading that area, even you need to read philosophers from 400 or 500 years ago. i mean its a very different topic. so lets be silly in that and just revise Wittgenstein, and it has a trap of, if you read Wittgenstein you want to read linguistics also then. then it becomes a pit you fall to another domain you would read about and the cartoon task would be gone. so if i want a cartoon i shouldnt get lost in those pits or universes for sure. its easy to fall those universes. but then cartoon hobby wouldnt exist which i want to exist after i get back my hobby back. my game development since is super slow, is such a pit i got lost in. but my game is not like a universes like those topics/branches of course.a 


ok i newly seen something ok, he might be really communicating with me. or not. i dont know. but i dont like attending contests or free thigns contests alot i dont quite like:P would you mind if i dnt attend that contest:P i invite you to talk to another place but i could go myself. and i dont have a USA VISA. if you want to catchup/tell stories, we could talk by email? since i dont even have USA VISA either. i can go to French cities/Zurich but not SV since i dont even hold VISA:P if you like to catch up, you could come talk? or we could talk on email? i guess you were just friend but somepeople try to mess my mind? like using decorations from my balcpony, in that article, i thought you were behind that. so i thought you like me so much. but figure out it werent you that behind that article.i thought 2 days ago seeing that article, that you liked me so much that you could even know my balcony decoration somehow. (that you came to where i live etc. i thought such things) turns out  i think that article were not any related to you. but i wish you understand how kind of information weirdness i am confrontnt, in a news article of a newspaper that mentions decorations of my balcony.  i thought you were behind that, and i thought you like me. but i think you wernt any behind that article. nor you any see me more than friend.
normally its super hard to me to find some guy thats mroe intellgnt than me:P lets say not intellgnt but curious since i am not super intellgnt. so i am usually lonely. and when  i saw that i thought i found a super intellgnt counterpart yayyy.  and i dont look to people younger than me.  but since you looked super intellgnt thats why i gave exception there. normally my tyope were people older than me. but even in that, i found it hard to find someone like since as told, either guy i like doesnt like me or i cant find someone more intllgnt han me. (communication range thingy). so i were like, oh i am to forever alone finding noone that i say yayy he is more intellgnt than me. i am talking about some specific type of intellgnce that i like. of course there are lots of intellgnce types. but i like the guy i like to be more intellgnt than me.  i cant like someone who is lesser i dont know why.  and so my type were like: more intellgnt than me, and also older than me. hmm but more intellgnt than me constraint usually fails i mean i cant find someone thats more curious than me usually. but to be in love i want to adore someone someway and adoring someone passes kind of being good in things we like. so i told last day of that, i finally found someone super intellgnt. and i gave exception to the thing you ar eyounger than me. but then i came from work, my rationality whispered things like: what if you arent behind that news article(that holds a decoration from my balcony). then i saw this lates thingy. i ddnt understood quit emuch. i definitely think you are much more intellgnt than me. so i said, yayyy i finally found someone that who l,ikes me and who is more intellgnt than me:D and i gave exception to you being younger than me. cause i dont like looking to people younger than me. i dont know if you felt that communication range loneliness or loneliness in crowds, but ihave such problem in falling in love to people in my old current ages.and just thinking you like me, i said wov i found some genius who also likes me. cool i said. became happy. then my rationality warned me today, what if you arent any related to that news article. but that were very weird article, told about my balcony's decoration (the flat i live in temporaly). its in one big newspaper. can you imagine what kind of feeling it creates. i thought it showed you like me. so i shown i like you in recent days:P but i also scared as if people misunderstand as if its someone else, (cause i figure out i have some liker that i ddnt responded to) so i replied  with tryingg to discriminate features of. since i like you. i dont know if my problem is communication range or if its kind of autism. i might not be any intellgnt but showing a non intellgnt autism spectrum. (autistic people are usually very gifted by the way.). i dont know but i have such communication range problem. or i just cant easily fell in love to people. cause i want him to be more intellgnt than me (or if i am a autistic(but thats not adhering to gifted stereotype of autistics) and thats why i am like this/ but i do have a communication range problem in finding someone to fall in love to. i dont know why i am like this either. i guess all unmarried people are such people like me? so when i saw these things, i thought yo  u like me, so i said, wov i found a genius whom also likes me:D then i think its cool. but then today my rationally when i came home warned me, whether what if that article wernt written by you. hey the thing is, if you like me i accept your attention, but i cant come there since i dont have VISA.  but you could email&talk me. andwe could talk there. many times i been called gay for being alone. but the thing is, for me to fall in love, i want to adore the person somehow. and the things i adore in life are (everyone has different, its personal area) the guy being more intellgnt than me. and that makes me be called gay for since i am alone. they confuse me as a shy gay:D whilst the problem is not me, just i want someone beside me to be much more intellgnt than me. but that makes me alone. being alone is something i am used to either by the way. :Pdue to this. i cant find people like me. please dont call me narcissit  due to that. you arent exactly like me but i wanted to communicate you since you are super cool:D and also look as more intellgnt than me since you have been more succesfl in life than me either:) so i said, yayyy i found someone i can fall in love to. but then my rationality kicked in asking whether if i am sure that news story were really from you. this communication range and loneliness is real. that they say in articles. i wonder if you also feel that? but since your life is super busy you might not have time to feel that. since i am alone, i feel that alot specifically seeing stupid things people do, i dont want to blend to more. and be more alone. thats my usual state of life recent years. either i am some level from autism spectrum (butb a nongifted one, autistic people are usually gifted also) or i am really confronting communication range problems named thing. i dont know what it is. but makes my life pass lonely in last years. since id otn like going to parties.i dont like talking politics like things or daily life topics. (by the way politics is also intellgnt area most possibly but not my interest area any).i like instead listening anthropology podcasts. except last 3 years. which passeed in stress since i had a sociopath stalker woman stalking me, last 3 years were like in survival mode, i cant listen anthropology articles or podcasts because i had to constantly save myself so i had to try to code startups. now that trouble is gone, since i am not in any trauma of getting stalked anymore, even my drawing interest is back:) since my brain is getting used to lack of stress state back again:) i hadnt felt lack of stress for 3 years for real in that sociopathic stalk i confronted. and the maniac acts of the sociopath hasnt finished yet still even stalked me here with same sociopathy. were constantly in survival mode for 3 years:S it were super bad 3 years:S now there is complete lack of stress and my thigns i used to do are getting back. like drawing trials. like reading humanities. when you were stalked bya  sociopath woman, there were no time to read humanities but constant effort of trying to code a startup that would save me from stalk were the only choice. but i sometimes still listened podcasts. but not like before. so the 3 years were really shitty for parts where i stressed to stalk of sociopath woman. other parts were normal, but kind of not ok they were cause i been separated from my hobbies i liked to do since only because i felt in survival mood/felt constantly in trauma. constantly scared. specifically last year. so this is my story:P i am a weirdo/geek in to humanities area:P who has been traumatized by a maniac woman's stalk last 3 years by the way. but feeling safe finally after 3 years. and it feels great.so can continue my life my silly hobbies. and things i liked to do come back. like drawing. i thought i dont like to do drawing. but i figure out i do. so it were due to constant stress that i started disliking drawing.so, if you like me, i accept yours interest. but not gonna go there:P since i dont like entering contests:P i just once tried once :D then i said, its silly act. and i dont like free things. ok i mgiht be unrich but defntly dint like feeling unrich:D i mean, i dton like attending contests to travel somewhere:D ok its kind of a thing i dont like:P i mean its kind of maybe some rich person could enter such contest, but to a non rich person, doing such act feels kind of having failed in life to go someplace with using contest, i mean,if i were rich, i wouldnt feel like this. but when you arent rich you dont like entering such contests since it makes you feel lesser advantaged than rich people so that you have to enter contests to go somewhere. kind of thing. i guess this might be a general attitude i think.so my holidays are kind of lesser budgeted. i cant go to USA now since plane ticket would cost alot. i would prefer holidays that are more near to where i live. like renting a car and traveling Alps in France. thats not expensive to me (but might be expensive to someone from other continent, and were expensive to me when i lived in another country, i mean its just about expensive plane tickets and so, t makes holiday more expensive if the tickets are super expensive) and I dnot have VISA for USA. so these are reasons i cant apply to such thing. if you like talking to me, you could come instead to France, since you dont have problems like finding tickets expensive like me:D if you like to communicate with me you can come to places i hang around cause i am not rich enough to hangaround in places you travel to:D since flights are expensive:D i dont even have any VISA:D if you like to be friend with me, my friends arent from SV people:P even if you are from SV:P my friends would be from i think humanities area. like that postmodernism  course's teacher or other people from humanities domain. since i am a geek to humanities but nto to computers as i see. i like to use computers to reach my goals. but dont like the lack of humanities branches applied in just different sciences area. they are applied as i read, but yepp not as a humanities geek would have dreamed of:P ok when you are a geek of some area, you want to see it applied everywhere maybe i dont know. but i like to have my friends humanities areas teachers instead or phiosophers or sociologs. from SV you creating some startup that rests on sociology concept i would be honored to be your friend. and if you like me i also accept yours attention:) i hadnt understood anything all. if you like me i would wait. but today i asked to myself that also:D like i tell someone i like i would wait but if is not waiting me or any interested. today were rationality day. 2 days ago, it were the day of thining you like me, so i were super happy. but today i realized that you might have none relatedness to that news article. then i said, wov this guy is a macho and likes me and shows his love like that:D then i thoguht you like me for 2 days till this night. that that hype of thinking you like me resided little bit and rationality raised its voice for asking "what if he werent behind that news article?" so this is why i tonight written only one sentence for to say i accept yours attention and then many sentences to my own silly life. then i saw that holiday thing whilst chekcing my email, and wanted to say i cant attend, i am not rich to go anywhere i like:D but if you like me, you can come to France to talk/to catch up. if you like me. today i am more suspicious. since i am not sure if that article were any written by you. so have no idea if you like me. and i stopped that hyped mood of aww i found someone i could adore/fall n love to finally mood. ssince i dont any know if you like me. if you like me, as told i can fall in love to you. but if you dont like me, and like me as a friend? then ok, but in any case, i cant go there. i dont even have any VISA either.   my hype of thinking you might be liking me ended because i saw a hatred symbol in street where i live and thought what if all these are not any related. i mean i thought you like me based on a news article in a popular news paper that references even my balcony decorations, and i said wov you like me. then whilst i came home today, i saw a very bad symbol in front of my door. then after that my hype ended snce that time i get what if that balcony reference werent any from you. after seeing the hatred symbology in street today. anyway. thats where rationality happent for to be cautious in understanding happenstances. and not believing everything i read in its direct meaning. i mean might be unrelated people behind that newspaper article, not any you. that hatred symbol in the street i live, reminded me that. so in 2 days, i first received a story of old times but actually constantly telling things about me and even my balcony. then 2 days later i receive a hatred symbol. maybe its not to me. but it were in my street.  so that were the point i started to ask whether my initial conclusions of whether if you were behind that news article were any true?i mean i queried the existence and suspected of yours existence at that moment. i mean i queried existence of you since your existence depends on a news paper article. but how can i be sure that you were behind it? and so whilst in kind of happy mood when i saw the hatred symbol i started asking queries for if you really exist. thats why i today only written one line to you whilst i am writing paragraphs to you last 2 days:D cause thats the moment i queried yours existence.  so for all these confusing things, this confusing status quo i read/see from various things places, i really have no idea if you really exist or not. today i also thinked of our age difference. thought i am kind of more experienced in being alone or handling such things than you are i think? so then i felt as i am old more mumch more. i mean, i felt as if i am too old. but then i said i dont know which month you were born any so maybe we dont have that much age difference. but i do think, i  might be more experienced in emotions things than you since i hadnt had a stable happy life i had usually unhappy relationships. last one 4 years ago. and i think all my relationships were nearly all unhappy. so i must have a problem in relationships topics for sure. i said my relations were shallow, but since i wernt inlove or if inlove the other side seemingly wernt person i get on with. so shallow meant neither me nor the guy not cared alot the relationship or we wernt inlove it means.  i think i never had a relationship with a guy i were in love to. so all my relationships were unhappy. but thats an experience. i mean thats why i can handle heartbreak super much:) cause its not an area i been super good in. :D so in dealing heartbreaks/unhappiness i am super powerful since i had confronted enough such heartbreaks or not being in love type of relationships:D and last time i were inlove the guy didnt liked me visibly. the previous time, the guy were interested, and i somehow lost. i ddnt replied to his heart related emoji in skype since i overthinked he must have sent that erronously:D anyway, since i am super unsuccesful in relationships topics, i have super powers in dealing with heart breaks as a result:DDDDDDDDD thats why i repeated that:D its like whom i am like in that, maybe like those guys from bigbang theory who failed alot in relationships most of the time:D not any resembling any intellgnce of them though. but relationship skills similar. and so dealing with heartbreaks is my biggest talent:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD so maybe i were in to mood of ok there is no happy relationship, i am used to loneliness ok:D kind of state either:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD so looking to you, seeing your unexperience in unhappiness in relationships, (thats my super strength:D for dealzing with that :D) i said, i mean dont feel any responsibility if you want yo give up since i am super experienced in dealing with heart breaks:DDDDDDDDDDDDD thats what i tried to mean there:D since you looked unexperince of dealing with emotions to me? since you always had a happy stable relationships? but mine is reverse, all unhappy. so i thought, if anytime you think i am weak or some responsibility inhead for thinking gave hope but it ended and broke heart of kind of things, i wanted to mean you neednt ever think such things for my side since its my super strength to deal with heartbreaks cause i think i dont had any happy relationship. since i thought that news article is from you, i took it as you are not in to this unhappiness or emotions domain alot soi wanted to tell i am (since i always had unhappy relationshipsxD) and i wanted to tell if you like me and but give up likng me, you neednt feel any respoinsbiblty for breaking my heart, cause i think i am master of dealing with heart breaks. so you neednt think of such think. for if you want to give up if you like me and wnt to give up. i dont even know if you like me either. but just wanted to state, i am super experienced in dealing with emotions/heart breaks so wont matter if my heart be broken once more:P but i wish your heart never gets broken by the way and you always live in happy relationships.though i wrnt master of dealing with emotions before i did said rude things when my heart were broken to breaking people. but now i am not like that. i more experienced in that i think.
i think i really have a weird life, i have that sociopath hater woman still making me stalked here can you believe it?. same words they use same sociopathy. i have strong haters. i dont know why. some people hate me as if they are hell bent to hate me. i have strong haters (the socio woman and her helpers). guess i infer its because i am a different person and people dont like sometimes different people? i dont know. or its just sociopathy i think. its not related to me being a weirdo different but. since the stalk/hatred is extending hatred for prolonged time, means some kind of problem like that i think. you know religious movies shows people as possessed i think sociopaths are like that, they have endless anger/sociopathy and never ends. so that possessed like maniac woman stalks me also here. anyway but i am not in trauma anymore and i dont any little bit care. i mean i dont any care/nor stress. but i know this feels unbelievable to you.  but anyway. i dont any stress to that. i am no more giving ptsd reactions in to that either. but i have a hater that hates me super much. like possessed people in religions. i do think sociopath people with hatred are like that. that 3 years of hatred/stalk/sociopathy acts i confront from this woman, and it never ends. its like the woman is kind of possessed by an evil being. if i were religious i would think like tha.t but i do think, sociopathy is maybe called to that. i mean, i dont believe in religions but i do think that lady that stalks me for 3 years is a hell bent sociopath. now here she ddnt stalked me individually but made me be cursed with same curse she used to say in bus stop once. so has some people here that extends her stalk to here. anyway. i dont stress. i dont even tiny little bit stress:)
so today i felt super old against you thinking my experience to heartbreakes and thinking you arent like that and my repeated sentences saying, you can break my heart, i am used to heart breakes. that why you know? its because i am older than you and also because i had quite always unhappy relationships. and thinking yours happy relationships i said, just this guy might be unexperienced in dealing with emotions/heartbreak than me i said:D and this made me felt much more old wtr to you.:D i dont know how much months or years it is, but i definitely felt a lot old today thinkimg my and yours life:D in terms of reelationship happiness. i guess you have been always happy in that. ah contrary state of my relationships things:D i dont know why but in relationships wise you seemed quite unexperienced to my eyes due to that, i mean dealing with emotions topic aspect. i dont know how strong you are in dealing with emotions/being in love things. i am super experienced in dealing with heart breaks:D (feels funny to say that but its really like that) dealing with unhappiness needs an unhappy relationship life:D and you i thinkyou look to have happy relationship thing by the way. i thought like this since i thought you were behind that news article, and it were words from an unexperienced to emotions topics words. since i thoughht you said that words of that news article, i thought you are unexperienced in such domain which is very personal area by the way. so its why i thought like you like that. i felt as old to you thinking you were behind that article. now, i see that you might not be any related any little bit to that article. i just dont know whom is doing that acts either. someone is dogin those acts.i mean initially i took them as aha macho guy i like that. then today i tohught aw i feel old and feel more experienced in dealing with emotions. but then in afternoon i thought, aw it must not had came from him. but it were directly targeted to me. and but i dont know whom send it. so i have no inference of how you handle emotions. since i dont think now its you sent that article. i thought believed like that. if you read the article, you would understand why i thought like that. that because it were like written from the guy's words. and i dont know whom is doing this? that giving such news article? its weird. and it even references the decoration in wall of flat i live. i thought the article meant, i wont let you date other people. and i found it macho and liked it and thought it wre frm you. but i do think it wernt any related to you nor me and i mean you have none relatedness to that article i dfntly think. i mean its just very cryptic and i have none idea whom had written. whom that had wrtten even could see my plastic door or butterfly decorations in wall. and used my blog's data and my house's data to blend such article. silly i thought its from you but then understood today, its none. i figure out some people are trying to mess me constantly i dont know whom they are, but i do think such thing? cause else why? i mean this were a very weird thing.

so i thought you like me last 2 days but i think you dont any and it were a miusnderstanding due to an unknown sourced article. i dont know why people try to fool me like this?  i mean if you read that article, you would think you are a macho guy who loves me and wont let me date others with anypossible way. i liked that macho guy reference so i entered 2 days of aw he likes me state. then today as rationality settled in thinking asking whether if you really did writtent hat, i dont any think so. but it were like to make me bleive you like me whilst you dont any.  so it were really weird. whomever made it, wants to fool me. for 2 days, i thought you are a macho guy and you like me:D but then as today i start to think it might not be any related to you. but kind of such article it were.


so reason i stated 100 or more times that i would wait you is because that article were something saying like "i wont let you date with others" kind of thing. so i said you dont have to worry about  me going away and i would wait you i said due to that article that created misconception that you like me. but last day i figure out you might not be any related to that. so i wish why i talked like this 2 days is clear. it were just that article were like wittne in tone, if you date with others i would not let in anyway and you cant date others tone. so i 100 or more times stated oh if you like me you neednt worry that i would leave you and date other people. but now i see that you wrnt that article writer. and some person is messing me like that. i dont know whom. but someone who communicated from giving an article to newspaper. i said ok i would wait you to be together/date when your life lets and you  neednt scare i would date anyone else meanwhile whilst waiting. that were the summary of my writings. so thats why i written so many i would wait you sentences i thought you like me and you said you would somehow not ever let me date other people. i thought you liked me super much  and communicating via that due to that article. now i see you have none relatedness to that article and i let that article mess my mind. i thought it were kind of macho way of saying i love you and wont let you date with others:D but turns out it were not any rooting from you.  ok so i think someone is messing with me with even making articles be written.  i figure out its not you and you dont any like me. but someone is messing with me to believe you like me. i have haters so must one doing such acts. for to make me fall to such situation of misunderstanding.anyway so i dont know if i shoulld say sorry to you cause its not my fault to think such idea any.  i dont know if i should say sorry for this due to other people's fault for trying to mess others lives like me? i dont know.  i dont feel i want to say sorry to you cause it werent any my fault to think such idea like that.  i think whomever did that act should say sorry to me instead. thats what i think of this situation. i dont feel like i should say sorry to anyone.

ok the neighbours are super loud.  i need to find a flat thats more silent i think. super duper loud neighbours.

ok so i would find someone else who is again more intellgnt than me or would stay alone as i am used to:P  i think this submissive behavior of we people regarding people more intellgnt than me, i like to feel submissive in relationships. i mean like to have  the guy more intellgnt than me. this time a confusion occured and people misled as such someone likes me. but guess i need to find someone other thats again more intellgnt than me. cause the relationship type i like the most is i feel kind of submissive. or weaker. or lesser intelligent. some people like to be dominant. i prefer being submissive side. but it is super unlucky to prefer that because i usually cant find anyone whom i wont feel more powerful in terms of lots of things but not many(narrow areas maybe). (as visibly i dont feel any powerful in my outlook by the way and not defintiely. i just in relationships only target some one more intllgnt than me type of thing(in intellgnce types i like about)) (maybe its :boecause i dont date alot. maybe if i dated alot, i would found maybe:D). anyway, so would try to find another more intellignt guy topic if i could. anyway relationship topics are weird things i think. i saw lots people who like to be the dominant/most powerful in relations topic. i like to be the the less intellgns it one in terms of intellgnce types i like. (there are lots of intellgnce types. i mean everyone likes some types in other people i think.)  anyway relationship topics are definitely super weird:D

just for a 2 days i were confused as you like me.

ok i leave the goal of finding someone more itnellgnt than me?   since it always fails with figuring out the intellgnt guy actually doesnt like me.

ok i think there must be someone for me in this world:D (maybe not. maybe all intellgnt people would never ever look to me:P ) (cause all generaliz ations are inherenlty faulty)

next time i would write paragprahs of i like you sentences, would make sure the counterpart actually  likes me bforehand:) but i were made to think like that. but lets be cautious in next times for not to take on read things that have weird sentences that is references my life as facts. cause facts as visible turns out quite different. he doest any like me.  and the person who made that article be written played me to believe he likes me. whomever did that. its sure he werent the one who made that article be written. i took that as if he had written. turns out he ddnt. turns out he doesnt any like me


ok this relationship things are super confusing i think. i constantly misunderstand whats actually happening i figure out. i mean this time i misunderstood i have a platonic relationship with someone that likes me (due to an article i read) but turns out in actual life, he doesnt any like me. so this understanding whats happening in actual life is quite confusing area in these topics.

as told relationshiips are topics i fail the most in life for real. quite bad at that topic. i just even misunderstand what people mean in that.



ok anyway. lets continue life. i feel my life as: hmm: i hadtn watched that movie yet, but since i  confuse as unreal things as real, (like thinking me and someone has a platonic relationship whilst he doesnt any like me:P) : eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i hadnt watched that movie yet. but seeing an article like that that tries to confuses me as if i have a platonic relationship with someone, whlst in real life the guy is not any interested, it feels like, even if i hadnt watched the movie, it feels like that movie as i read little bit summary of that movieeither. but i feel as that article's root  (definitely its not him) is trying to mess wth me. whomever he/she is who knows. ok this life is completely weird.

anyway as told i am strong to heart breaks for even such situations:P since i always failed in relationships topics, its n+1 th one of failure but a fake one by the way:P cause i were made believe i have a platonic relationship with someone, whilst in real life he is nt any interested:P ok. just another failed thing in life that i failed:P anyway. as visible i dont count the failures but as being a multidimensional person (not multidimension as in physics) i can handle heart breaks pretty well. (whilst you have goals like writing a comics story, heart breaks dont matter that super much, of course you get shocked and felt some pain initially. but as told, i am super strong to these type of things. (since i usually most of the time failed in relationships i am immune to heart breaks.my main immunity to heart breaks first comes from the fact i always had unhappy relationships before secondly i have lots of other things to focus on like creating a cartoon as i told. of course it wont be perfect since i am not artist. but as told i have trillion of hobbies to focus on instead. )


and yet another instant i felt like its a simulation and i saw a happy thing:) about  a science firm i like alot:)



ok so today is planned as: game fixing and also comics drawing trying to learn drawing cityscapes. 



ok i did nothing the day.

since i am coughing(the sore throat moved to lungs visibly) did a soup and it really helped. and maybe bronch tea helps dont know. i silly  level cough these last 2 days. i shouldnt do laziness of going to hospital but doing laziness in that. maybe next week if it doesnt pass would go in the week.


i did nothing neither drawing but just rested:P some music i like to listen listen:P its Vivaldi first listen some piano based composition with violin then it felt super sad thign, but this Vivaldi compositions feels not like that. crescendos and whatever inverse of crescendo is labeled with, them inside the compositions continously. its nice to listen whilst sitting on couch sleeping on couch and thinking. some thinking. then i now thought of the comics i would try the story /comics of the scientist, as i wanted to draw comics/stories. maybe i would try now. the alot rational expression type of the scientist. walking ina city where rain is falling down slightly. i wanted to make that curly hair in above my main character in the story i would draw. i figured out this is the most possible drawing type for me since it doesnt need that much detail like normal drawings. it should just be enough detailed. secondly, i think this lack of detail thing draws my attention to this act and as told might create stories like that as comics or stories in nets. this drawing type best suits. as a kid i liked to draw clothes then fantastic characters when young then dancing people whilst after some years then i passed to hands then now comics time since i figured out this form of art best suits me since its for lazies. for instance fashion drawings: if i had did that in high school i might be continueing now or similarly hand drawings i bought things to learn that, but now i want to draw comics/stories.
for long years, even wiht a gap of 3 years, i figure out i tried to learn draweing my self. so this might be my first real production. i wish my game project wouldnt take that much long:D :P  but i figure out these type of things should had been trained in childhood time cause in those years you are the least laziest. i mean i wish i had taken lessons about it in childhood times. we had drawing lessons in school but they were all colored. and were not about things i liked to draw by that time.

so writing stories in net is my new fav hobby with drawng. and comics also. since it looked as the most suitable art activity to me.  since all other are (from fashion design drawings to normal shaded drawings people like to do or even being a tattoo artist) all of them alot detailed. but this story/cartoons thing suits my drawing style which takes not hours. i dont like drawing for hours i want to draw super fast. cause thats the way i like things to happen. like listening videos in 1.7 or 2 x speed. want everything to be fast. including drawing. so i selected this as my more suitable art activity since its kind of easier to draw. from outside. if i learn good perspective design of cities of background. of drawing trees. of cities. of pouring rain. and walking scientist (that curly haired guy). maybe i write a story thing from that not just a comics based one. so but as said i have to iterate in game hobby also. but i am super happy drawing hobby is back. i thought i lost my drawing hobby. it felt meaningless to draw sometime. now it feels fun to draw again last week.   i tried to make drawing interesting in my head with thinking of absurd things like drawing big pictures as if i am proffessional (big canvases). but never wanted to draw and it felt uninteresting. then just i figure out i want to draw comics style things. and do a fusion of philosophical topics maybe into that. or sociological topics i dont know. as long as i learn. i would try to adapt the story line accordingly to that. maybe it would be first one would be just silent. silently walks in streets this scientist. but other parts of the story/comics would be iteratively added on. i think since i liked the fusion of Wittgenstein/Rachmaninoff music to a sculpture in a sculpture i saw video of (from burning man festival), i liked to do such approach, whilst i study listen sociology i would try to iteratively add my inner world to that. maybe that scientist would be sometimes me:) like in its first version, walking in rain. silently. would be from me. (even if i am not a scientist) in one part he might listen story of me there, where the girl comes and tells her Leia incident. and the scientist devises a bayesian and differently frequentialist explanation of why such things might happen in life. and so i would draw myself. and the scientist would be my inner reflection of telling such things happen in life sometimes due to nature of probability.  but i adored that Wittgenstein and piano concerto fusion in one sculpture. so my thing in this would be such fusion as along i learn more about such topics. it would be an introspection based and nature of life based story.i dont know which topics i would select. first is no topics:P just walking in the rain. that topic is not any visible. just walkign tin the rain. subsumed to own thoughts. rain drops each one tying to external world while insight subsumed to thoughts/doing introspection/maybe thinking of a way to craft some theory. each rain drop reminds the outer shell of world that we perceive all along and each rain drop refreshes the feeling of that smooth nature of consciousness. that whilst like lot in inner world thinking things inside,  rain drops reminding the perceptions of outer world. saying maybe end of the caricature/comics, saying i should do this walking in rain much more. i know its a not an advanced comics now. but its my nth drawing trial. after 3 years of gap. that i sometimes triied to draw hands but not got on. now back in drawing mood like 3 years ago. 3 years ago, i really invested alot time to try to learn little bit. then left as life became harder. since life is easy now,  drawing hobby came back:)


this silly guhu is really silly. i just have hobbies alittle bit more maybe because of liking drawing.

lets revise bayesian theory to devise why leia incident is just a quite possible happenstance in life. try to craft a theory based on my things on bayesian side.
but that left to after drawing walking in rain scenery. which would feel like walking in rain to me. and i want to draw that feeling. of the cityscape and slightly raining rain. that feeling of nice feeling of walking in city in rain.


ok now its Bach's time. the most fav Bach melody as known:) if i said Apocalyptica people would understand the instrument and the melody:) i liked to listen metal music and Apocalyptica in very young times. still listen metal music at times but not as much.



and holiday is planned 3 months later since i might not get my salary this month since i lately followed the procedures that needs to be done:P so would go ask from family :) lucky to have a family whilst being silly in such things:) non silly people dont do such carelessness acts:P

but i think i like that snow holiday in those months either. i once went to Zurich mountainscape tour and liked it. then i said lets arrange a France holiday sometime in alps wandering around in nature. or Zurich. and since i like snow alot, i said i saw Zurich lets go to France Alps this time. i like mountain travel alot. last time Zurich were awesomee. it were just a one day tour there i attended but were awesome. i also wanted to travel Japan's mountains (hot springs concept:P that looks very interesting. but couldnt since my budget hadnt went well for that:D) (whilst i travel Zurich, i went to there with train since i were studying beside Frankfurt, so it werent that much costly holiday. i like such holidays :P like hopping on a train and discovering some city in weekend without too much paying for travelign :) ) since i liked electronic music alot when younger and there were a Dj i wanted to listen, i only wnet far holiday in Ibiza holiday. but other tan that my holidays are usually in surrounding places:P (so that it doesnt cost too much:P) so this traveling French alps were long before planned. it were planned when i studied in abroad partially. in some months i would stay abroad, and i planned that holiday to time when i were in abroad:P  but then i resigned from there. so this hiring a car traveling moountains this time 3 or 4 days happens this year. whilst i were living abroad 4 years ago, in every weekend i travel each different city. like Paris one weekend, Amsterdam other. then Paris again. then other. in my time abroad i liked to do that. everyweekend a different city:) it were super fun:) to discover places like that:) and not using investigation for the city before hand. so it becomes a real discover the city act:) so this time target is discovering mountainside of France:) this time i would rent a car. normally in my travel time, i like to rent a car in places i go. (except these weekend travels i tried to do since in them i tried to discover center of city and not needed car). now discovring French mountainside time:P i think in 2 or 3 months later. if i could find a cheap renting car or maybe SUV since it would be mountains. it must be 4x4 this time.  so would find out a cheap 4x4:P now people would think me as if i am kind of ungenerous. no from returning one country, i gathered one big bag of presents to people or like when i returned to Istanbul, i always gathered presents. so i think i spent 50%50 to presents/traveling or maybe to presents more (since i have a nephew that were 1 years of age those times. it were my hobby/my privilege to buy presents alot:)were super happy act. so not spending not much to holidays is just a thing of budget balancing not because i am any ungenerous person type:D ) from China whilst i returned from China, i returned one baggage of presents(since i worked in some network engineering tasks there) butb then figured out also, noone i gave presents to give me presents (except beloved family of course, i of course love to buy presents to them:) when i can i definitely buy. a parfume feels like buying a bottle of care:P i have such feeling when i buy presents to close people:) e.g. when returning from airport from freeshops.to mom and dad. it feels as i put my love to presents. i know its silly. but feels great:) (to close family mom/dad/brother/his wife. i liked to buy presents when i can:) )  ) :P so i dont do that act of buying a lot presesnts while returning from a far place to homeplace. hmm i figure out i would already had done an Amsterdam visit ?though dont quite like to travel to places i visit. so need to find new cities to visit:P   i like to learn new places in traveling. i know world would end sometime if you only visit a place once. ok then i do think creation hobbies would help create other things in those times for cities in cartoons i draw. since i think drawing a rainy city scpae and a walking person feels like being there, so when world cities ends, i have other source octf travel to feel:P so this is one reason i need to learn drawing more. cause really when you draw something, you feel inside that. you get a part of the context/soul/ thing you draw. if you arent forcing yourself to drwaing to learn something but when you just try to draw. when you draw an expression, you become feel that character super much. you feel attached to context of that. in the scene you draw, you try to give the soul of the scene. somehow souls of scenes also exist? i dont know. what word to use for the feeling of pattern of feeling some image in our mind feels. so said soul to that.the material of existence in our brain. i hadnt had a chance to read about brain project alot  and so have no idea how that physically is actually. knowing SOMs are used in motion control(but not in brain right? so wrong usage). know CNN like architectures also existing. but this is the basic level knowledge shared on this topic. it must be much more. now and then. but have none idea on how brain works. since dont read about DNN topics and brain projects alot now. hebbian architecture existed in what? in sensing environment? i dont remember that eigenvalue crazying structures were thought to be existing:P so coming to a drawing of a scene, and its feeling. wondered how we have images in our mind.


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i think i would sleep now.  with this bach and or vivaldi musics. since i felt sad today i dont urge myself to do things like game coding which is obligatory task. ok would wake up early tomorrow.  the things which makes me happier. like listening to these music makes me happier, i listen. to get away from sad mood and to return to my happy mood.



ok i see the article writer likes to cherry pick my words:D ok. i am not an article writer whom could cherry pick words:P but i like to do "soup" of different disciplines, like using physics rules in coarse grained level in my game design:P (which takes forever:D i might be 80 years old when the game gets ready:D) ok :) i see yours cherry picking of some topics in silly ways:D  gosh we are definitely from very different universes. first of all i dont like politics. i like to get lost in thinking other topics than politics:P but this is all because we are completely different people as expected since there is 7.5 billion of people in earth:P  but i dont understand yours interest to my blog hey article writer, but welcome:) i wish you people understand my uninterest to politics. i like to draw comics i tried drawing hands but i think drawing comics is easier.
for political issues, in that  i think that, every one is predispositioned to do some things in life, like some people love to be interested to politics, some people just like to do other things. as the righteous mind book says, i think its all different brain modules more active. so being interested to politics or not, is definitely as a part of we being a member of 7.5 billion of people set. some of us are more interested to some or other topics:) i think politics is a nice warriors area,  politics/journalists are like warriors.

for me, i like to get lost in my own mini universes, like game design (which takes time to forever :D ) i like to learn about universe/humanities sciences. but politics like topics i am less interested to. so its kind of interesting to see my words being cherry picked:P since we are from different discourses/different universes.  I am trying to understand whats going on in this:)

my universes last 6 years started being trying to understand how other software systems work (like trying to understand quora's topic classifier first) then it went away from there to curiosity in many areas. but all started with Phillip Demealuanare's articles in sociology (i might written the name wrongly):P.

i like resembling myself to humanity's ancestors as fun:P as you see. i like to make fun of me :P using jokes from anthropology area is an area which i am curious to. (as made fun of that for me using Wittgenstein in my comics drawing attempt :P  for some of our ancestors trying to color things mimicing humans for me getting alot impressed from a burning man's sculpture. )
my life has weird things like: that thing i would try to decrypt with bayesian/frequentialist toolsets like somehow my sculpture resembling princess leia's hair and next day learning about her passing away (that i queried whether i am a medium or not. but then i said mediums is pseudoscience and i also like to stigmatize and also like to secretly read about what is called irrational pseudoscience:P (who doesnt like to think about pseudoscience:P ) ) but then my rationality puts hand on that and says analyse that with causal interference graphical models or frequentialist view like Drake equation tries to model some things. I think in the end, even without any such models being employed, i think its just randomness and there are no mediums.

so whilst normal people like to write talk about politics,  i like to read about machine learning books about bayesian graphs and causal interference analysis or nlp or latent semantic analysis. so we are completely from different discourses. but does not change the fact that i think journalists are like warriors and manyn many  respects. but i really dont have interest to politics. i like doing other things in my spare time, like trying to learn more arts/more other things i am interested to learn about.


if you like to read my blog because i told about pseudoscience thingies let me tell more of them:P

or more science things like: my brother solved p=np but his article is in still review:) (i dont any resemble him in science. but figure out me being interested to learn roots from having him as brother)  (its the Clay institude's millenium problems of maths.   he solved one of them or maybe two :P but waiting for long since its as told not easy to review such findings. )


if your interest to cherry pick words from my blog comes from my pseudo science stories: i have a bunch of them:P which makes me ask whether if this thign we live is a simulation or not. physicists also investigate that, right?at times.


i do think there are lots of intelligence types. i am a generalist not having peak in any intelligence type. you journalists have quite high verbal intelligence like intelligence type for writing with a huge set of vocabulary.  my brother seems to have science related very nice intelligence. for me its just, i am a generalist, i am curious to topics alots. and like to get lost in my universes i wonder about, like learning how some system works, like trying to learn how to draw hands etc.


coming to psuedo science stories: i dont know if i should tell you:P
i think this interest of mine relates to creating mini universes to myself to think about:P this psuedoscience topic interest of mine:P

i would tell this one: you know i like listening anthropology podcasts.
i once blogged about my plants. saying i dont know their name.  then 1 hour later, i listened podcasts. one first one, i listened and did not liked. then i selected from the podcast list, from the end of the podcast list (that is not any personalized, its listed by its addition date. it is ordered by time, not any personalization. i went to last page of podcasts, then i opent one. it were about whilst i expected anthropology podcast, it talked about sociology. then in mid of it, the guy said "children sometimes forget plants or households names". 1 hour ago i blogged i forgot my plants name. thats one time point i queried whether the reality we live is actually a simulation of higher intelligence beings?


other one: i used an emoji i never used before. its octopus like thing. then 1 hour later i saw a colleague told 2 hours ago something about octopus robots.

or another one: as seeing a name in internet that resesmbles a woman name that i told you some people repeatedly stalk me, i said seeing that name's english version, i said, i dont like this name any (it were one name alias the stalker psycho woman assigns me in stalking me, ii confronted and still confront a sociopathy where the stalker womans assigns me names:S direct sociopathy:S). I said at the moment, wov, look this name's english version also exists? Then, 1 day later a weather disaster happent in a city with such name in that which i asked, wov is there also such city with such name?  the day before i said, is there such name english version, the other day is there such city with such name?  my interest to hurricanes (it werent hurricanes based disaster but a too much rain based one) comes from here, i want to try to stop weather disasters or investigate in doing so.

yet another one, anyway.

my life's stalk trouble were as, a woman maniac woman calls me gives me names:S and stalks me. and even stalked me here. is really sociopath. she gives me names/aliases in stalkign me. quite horrific:S but i dont scare now. my trauma part in dealing with that is over:S i dont any stress now.
just one stalk incident happent last day in street. still gives me names:S but i dont scare. before i entered trauma. i wish noone confronts stalk of a sociopath woman:S it really sucks:S constant curses and constant one2one stalk in street for 3 years. it really were traumatic. constant names/aliases:S it really were horrific. i deciphered the assigning of names aliases only last year, before i took those names constantly repeated in stalking me as people who commit the stalk, turned out most of those names were the names the stalker woman tries to assign me in her sociopathy. it were quite horrific. last year, after i deciphered what this sociopath woman is doing against me like that, it became super horrific level to me. before it were like, aha a psycho sociopat woman curses me stalks me i said anyway. then last year after deciphering what this psycho sociopath woman is doing against me, it became exponentially scary situation.  anyway i got over trauma of it. i dont scare now. but i wish noone ever confronts stalk of sociopath people. real sociopathy  is really super shitty. only people who confront it really not from movies not from theathres, you wont understand how shitty it is until you confront such thing. it really were super scary and super shitty. i stopped going outside last year. due to that. the psycho gives me names. it were super unnice:S she were like hell bent to try to destroy my life with sociopathy. i think noone would understand this until they confront such situation. when you tell about such things to people, they dont find it as if such things happens in life. no they really happen. when you say such things, people think it must be sometopic that belongs to movies domain. no it doesnt.  and i do think human population some percentage might be such sociopaths and it could happen in any city everywhere. i mean its just by chance to confront targeting of one. its related to sociopathy illness and unfortunately such illness really exists. and it is really shitty. i wondered if its some Russian people stalking me for reasons i dont know (because there qwere a Boris name in that stalker set). but i dont know whom these stalkers are. but  i did nothing in life to be stalked by Russian people either:S i mean i tried to label that as mere, a sociopath woman's situaiton not it has a secret agenda any. they try to put me in role of a "prostitute".  when you go to a cafe, the stalker's friends would come, and say: "boris should sell this ork!".  when you go to a cafe in an unrelated district,thats far, you sit on a desk. and 10 minutes later they sit right beside your desk. to talk about Boris name. then in noon, in launch, they sit next to your desk. try to make you mentally ill. they liked to impersonate people. for instance if you have a topic you like, they would use that name to label others. or like trying to label wiht me many many names/aliases. so in last year, i completely stopped going any outside even in lunches. now trauma of this has passed completely. last day a new stalk incident happent in street. same name set. so stalks me in this new city also. if a sociopath woman wants to try to make a person prostitute, sociopaths dont give up such stalk. she whomever is hates me super much and wants me to be a prostitute:S  so there is an actual reality of what sociopath people could do. people think these type of things happens in movies. no there are sociopath people in  also real life. my sociopath stalker woman stalks me more than 3 years. but i got over trauma. but the thing is, such things are horrific. the stalk i confonted were horrific type of thing. one person tried to erode my life a sociopath woman (tries to make me a prostitude like thing. i wonder why such sociopath woman targets me for such purpose. i understand thats what sociopath people do. such acts like i confront from this socio woman:S)  . and i blogged constantly of incidents for 3 years. it happent also here but i dont any scare. i dont any scare. but last year i scared alot understanding what the sociopath is trying to do. tried to turn me to a prostitude like thing :S so i ddint go to any outside:S hates me so much that wants me to be a prostitude this sociopath maniac woman:Ssociopathy illness is super scary and super bad illness:S this thing i confronted, this events of stalk of this socio woman, were the scariest thing of my entire life i think. but i am over the trauma part and not any scare nor stress anymore. like such incident happent yesterday, but i ddnt any scared not any little bit. people if you think there cant be think that there are socio haters that want you to see as a prostitude and try to actually try to make you a prostitude with such stalk,  please rethink. sociopaths really exist. i had a sociopath woman stalker whom tries to erode my life with such purpose. my way of dealing with that were simply not any going to outside last entire year, lived in home. i had no understanding of her purpose till last year. before last years, she only dehumanized me shouting me ork and i said names she told were stalk perpetuators. turned out they were names she tries to assign me:S i understood that only in last year of the stalk. she stalks me also here in this city. this is the 4th city i am stalked. but i am over trauma. first year of stalk i were shouted ork many times. then third year stalk exponentially increased. anyway. so beware of sociopath people:S they are horrific:S in my case, my sociopath is a stranger stalker woman. i mean the thing about sociopaths is they selectt targets is just like hitting earthquake like thing. i mean like disasters like earthquakes, in  real life, scary possibilities also exist like being targeted by  a sociopath stalker woman. i mean its a fact of life like earthquakes. so thats just chance. whilst getting stalked i wanted to scream like that scream painting. now i am over trauma even if last day i confronted a new stalk incident again in street. sociopath woman never ever ends stalking. but i dont scare any. any little bit.  i dont know if "tugra" name is one alias name she assigns to me  or if its a name from this people set. but yesterday a stalk incident happent with this name and common stalk narrative i confronted. in inner streets here. so she still stalks me like she does. but i dont any scare. any little bit. but my last year's mood was wanting to scream. since i couldnt go outside due to Boris& the sociopath stalker woman's stalk i dont any know why. with impersonation/names assigning things it were the scariest thing i ever
confronted in my life. you know that stranger things lady screamed out loud i wanted to scream out loud like that seeing this impersonation/names/aliases constant stalk:SSSSSS but of course it wsernt any topic like stranger things. but it were constant impersonation tried to be made a prostitude like thing. direct sociopathy:S it were the scariest time of my entire life:S i wanted to scream like that stranger things actor i forgot her name. my mood were want to scream since i cant go outside. (except workplace.  i only went to workplace and did very fast shoppings when i had to go to shpping)  it were scary as stranger movies. if somepeople try to turn to you a prostitude with giving you names, its really like horror movies:S  and when you tell real life horror movie no one seems to care how that scary is. i confronted it all myself. i also got stalked here. last day for instance. but my trauma want to scream part is over. i dont scare anymore from this sociopath  idiot maniac stalker woman doing sociopathy against me.  but my life's last year's mood were like that scream painting. noone who didnt cononted sucha  thing alike how much scary that is. its really like that painting. it really feels like that. so my human rights were abused by a sociopath woman (stalker) who wanted to see me as a prostitude :S it were the scariest thing that ever happent in my life. it still happens also in this 4th cty i live in. but i am over scaring part. i dont any scare of this sociopathy acts of this sociopath anymore. (a sociopath stalker woman). i have kind of more art side things than to do scare of sociopath idiot's acts. life has no place to scare from sociopaths. i stopped scaring. i dont any scare anymore. not any little bit. (so did you ever had a sociopath woman whom wantedd to see you as a prostitude and whom tried to animate it happen? with giving me different names and stalking me like that. trying to animate me being  a prostitude in real life like thing with giving me names and stalking like that.  sociopaths are quite idiot and quite maniacs. my sociopath stalker were a woman. but i guess world's some percentage of population is sociopaths who like to animate manipulate real life. (unlike we art people who like to animate cartoons (like scientist cartoons),    some people like to animate manipulation in real life with giving you characters/names in outside and stalking like that. can you imagine how scary to confront such thing is? ) i guess sociopaths happens in everywhere of world and suhc things happens to people who confront sociopaths targeting.  but i dont scare of scoiopath woman's stalk anymore. i dont any little bit scare. life has no place to fear.    even if i dont scare now, last year's mood were that scream painting.  yesterday a stalk incident again happent. but i ddnt any little bit scared. no place for fear in life. at least such fears like scaring from sociopath.  so people think Russians only did information thing in information sharing environments? nope they do that manipuation in also outside real  life. i were tried to be shown as a prostitude. they assigned me names. labels.  they tried to make me mentally ill. i dont know if russians or that sociopath woman were behind that. i dont know but i confronted such a thing in life for 3 years. it still happens. last day happent. on friday in bus stop happent. used the narrative they used.  troubles of others might be seen like movies but actually horror movie like things happens really in people's lives. whilst other people have reaction to horror movies as thinking they only happen in movies. when they try to make you a prostitude with giving you names/labels, and stalk whever you go, its like a horror movie. i dont know why the stalker woman or the boris who helps her did this. in one stalk incident i saw te stalker lady, she were saying stalk narratives and frantically laughing out loud.  thats the time point i understood sociopaths has pleasure from doing such acts. she laughed out super hard. that day, i decided to go outside trying to get over the stalk, she came to the cafe that day. and laughed out hard with repeating stalk narratives the manipulation she does. anny other day i again ddint go any outside. they were like, they were like "boris should sell this ork!".  or 3.5 year ago, in outside "ork! it is hande" I had no idea she gives name of hande name to me. or yesterday a big guy shouted in street: "ork! with money? ". or in inside streets another narrative were used in inside streets here using "tugra' name. or in bus stop a short guy shouted a narrative they used with calling me vagina like curse.  but i dont scare from these idiots anymore. i dont know why they do such stalk to me. but i dont fear from these stalk this manipulation any more for a month. i am completely over this trauma over a month. this stalk reinited here for last 5 days. but i dont any scare. there is no place of fear in life for things like scaring from idiots/sociopath people. i dont any little bit scare. this stalk happens in 4 cities in last more than 3 years. first i had no idea that the stalker woman tries to assign hande name to me. i thought for 2 years i had a stalker people set which included hande name.  i repeatedly heard hande name incidents of dehumanization/stalk in which they tell ork to me. i didnt cared that much their stalk infirst 2 years. last year but last year passed like that scream painting. i wanted to scream like that. but fear part is over. i dont any scare any tiny bit. there is no place in life to scare from sociopath maniacs.  there is no place of fear in life. they stalked like they had gps. like i once went to a shopping center. thats is 1 hour away from city. 1 hour later some woman passed from outside of shop using "Boris" name talking some sentences. it were the scariest thing of my entire life. i were constantly shouted ork/ or vagina meaning like curses by these people.  or other curse. but i dont any scare from these brain cells lacking idiots. they see their goals dont work, their goals of manipulation/degradation/dehumanzation. i dongt any scare any little bit from thesepeople. not any little bit. idiots doing manipulation/stalk/dehumanization.i do think this might not be Russians stalking but that frantically laughing out woman behind this since she were laughing out loud and repeating stalk narratives that day. so i guess she is behind this thing i confronted. or its Russians? there were Boris name alot as told. i do tink this was a case of sociopathy. but i dont scare of these idiots any tiny little bit any little bit. they continue stalk. but i dont want to scream  any more. though i wanted to scream like that scream painting i dont any want to scream any more since there is no fear anymore. my drawing hobby is also back. i would draw cartoons since i figure out its the drawing type i like the most. now my life is super nice. i have no fear any.  i had no idea why a Boris named guy did this acts to me.  but i dont any scare nor fear. i guess its not such thing like Russians stalking me but that sociopath woman doing this. she wanted to see me as narratives she creates. she laughed out hard with those narratives to me in one day i wanted to go outside. she were unstoppingly laughing. it were a quite traumatic instant in life. but more traumaitc instant were 2 hours ago in that day, they toldwhilst passing by "boris should sell this ork".


next time making fun of my life's unrelated troubles unrelated to anyone but only related to a sociopath stalker woman, recheck your inner discourse for if making fun of such things is ok.

now the storm is over, i dont scare of the stalk sociopathy of this stalker woman anynmore. not any little bit. not any tiny bit. i have no fear no scare and life is back to normal again.  for a month it is like that. i got over trauma like mood. for a month or so, i dont any scare any little bit. there is no fear. my life is normal. for a month i am over all fear of this things i confronted (from a sociopath stalker woman). for a month i am over scaring from this traumatizinvg thing i confronted in 4 cities from that sociopath stalker woman.


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having a genius brother whose article is read very long by other math geniuses:P writing an article that takes very long time to be read by other geniuses:P I dont any resemble my brother any little bit. my life passes with confronting a sociopath stalker woman's stalk alike (i dont fear from her anymore for a month) coding a game that never ends, in younger times, liking partying alot:P i dont any resemble my brother:P i have accomplished nothing significant neither in my young or old life:P have an never ending game that never gets released:P 



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to the journalist whom cherry picks my words:
i wish hey article writer (blog reader)(saying this below paragraph to journalist person),  i wish yours interest to my blog is temporary because i dont super like seeing my words used in yours:P ok i respect alot yours taks/job and if i had high verbal skills i think i would wanted to pursue such career also:). but can you please dont cherry pick my words cause it feels unconfortable(. makes me want to stop blogging. why do you cherry pick my words? i have no idea article writer:) i mean i do have nothing that is any interesting other than my daily life thingies like my mini universes of comics drawing interest.  there are more important people maybe 80% percentage of humanity is more imporant than me. i dont get why you read my blog.i am just a silly dreamer of things drawers i guess 80% of humans are more much more important than me:Pmaybe 90% percentage of humanity is much much more important than me/doing more imporant things :)

from our family no important news from me, but only important news from my brother, he invented that p=np :P and his article is still in review process. and not only that Clay institute problem, he solved 2 of them but doesnt say us the second one he solved. he solved 2 of them:P so thats the only news from our family. i do have no important things nor could had established any important thing in my personal life.

what p=np means? it means exponential algorithm solving power.  like quantum computers but without quantum computers. (though in future, of course real quantum computers would be more powerful than such optimizations )



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lets continue coding the game. i wonder if it would take 10 years for first version :P


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for my brothers' p=np it means algorithms that have exponential computation power without quantum computers. of course quantum computers would work better covering more situations. but at least now, we might have more than moore's law computing power algorithmically.

we made fun of (of course didnt ) creating minig software that could solve mining puzzles super fast (doing that algorithmically faster since we would have quantum computing power wihtout quantum computers). but never did since its not ok.   i do think private blockchains are quite safe.  but public ones in long future when if quantum computers gets advanced (maybe in 10 years) gives public SAAS service to outside, they would be unsafe. but i dont think they would do such act ever or security systems would evolve in tandem to that so that it wont create any security leakage. but i do think private blockchains are quite safe. even if such service existed  private ones would be safe.


but we might had been only threat to mining industry not the blockchain part. but we would never ever do such acts. never ever. not ever possible. and i dont have capability to solve p=np and neither the solving one neither the coder one would do ever such act of disrupting mining industry.have no such goals.

and again the private blockchains are safe from hacking(like banks). but the public one is iniitially thought to be as if possible but since i guess noone would publish exponential computing services to the public so that public blockchain is also safe.  i mean i were thinking if blockchain (public one, not talking about private ones) is safe or not, and i concluded its safe since there is no way hacking it i think. and i dont think anyone would publish exponential computing services(quantum computing) to the cloud since the majority of entire world's security systems (not talking about governments, i think governments must have tech that is not possible to hack ever, something furhter than current tech  level i infer governments would have, of course not knowing anything about such things, its my idea on this. ) but the reamining sphere of security topics, i dont think noone  would ever make exponential computing servces public because world is not ready for such thing i think. so i dont expect quantum computer services to be any provided to public yet. i wonder alot about theoretical quantum alggebra, now knowing about little bit spherical harmonics, i would recontinue quantum computing topics study someday. i stopped at debroglie's constant part since maths became overwhelming. coders would be quantum computers coders in long future maybe? or maybe automation/ml would take our tasks before that:P who knows. 



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ok so proud of brother in that:P that creating a lesser powerful quantum computer (that is algorithmically quantum computer like optimization not any physical one) but of course in future, whenre quantum computers advance in power, they would surpass such algorihmic methods for optmization. i mean real quantum computers would be more powerful for sure. but for now, he has a quantum computer alternative optimization method:P

of course real quantum computers would surpass any optimization that existed. but whilst they are built to be stronger,  we have an alternative optimization/tech :) in the end, when qm's become stronger, they would surpass any possible optimization of course. but it might take even 10 years? or 2 years? who knows, i dont know the status quo in quantum tech.  just, we have alternate optimization tech to optimization without quantum computers. not me, my brother has:) is under review his method, which solves one of the Clay institute's problems. actually he solved 2 of them:P math people is reviewing his paper in one of them:) waiting nearly a year :)





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ok lets get back to this game project:) one day tws game would be ready i know:P (but when:P)
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hey cherrypicking madam:) i wish you understand i dont like my words be taken. and really i have no type of serious accomplishment in my life. so i think 90% of population is much more important than me really:P only news in our family is my brother solving p=np and  i also think thats nice:) please dont cherrypick my words:P you can and i cant stop. but the thing is:  there are lots of tons of more important people than me outside:P i am jst a normal person with no serious accomplishment in my life:P (just Jane from the block:P)  there are outside lots of  people doing very important things. like hong kong protests maybe, or other topics.  i am not any important person or had accomplished any thing very  important in life. the only thing that were weird were my scream like mood last year (due to a sociopath woman's stalk whom laughes like bad people's laughes in movies. she couldnt stop laughing while saying the stalk narratives :S sociopath lady:S) the only weird thing is that. other than that i am just too normal person with no accomplishments. hong kong protestors, brave people, i mean please focus such important people for news but not me, i accomplished nothing important in life for real. there are doctors who go serve in developing countries to help people(Ebole things ), people doing important things, people creating projects, people creating discoveries, people doing attending normal happy life, i really have non significance in 7.5 billion, i accomplished no big success in life. so i wish you stop cherry picking my words:P other wise i would had to stop blogging:P if one day i accomplish a big project or do create a success in anything, please cherry pick my words, other than that i have no significance in 7.5 billion of people for real honestly,  there are lots of people doing/working important things. i am a dreamer that likes to lost in drawing things etc but not a good establisher. i think you should cherry pick doers not dreamers:P like Hong Kong protestors, like people doing discoveries or nice art products, or creating projects. but guhu? guhu did added nothing to this world's stack of important establishments. so  i wish so much you dont cherry pick my words journalists. if i had verbal skills, i might also wanted to be a journalist since it looks exciting job. but please focus/cherry pick sentences of doers not the dreamers:P  (ii only have a never ending game thats never published:P )  but there are lots of doers outside, fro m Hong Kong protestors, to human rights advocates in organizations (ok i have plans to attend one in future but i am not a doer in that right now), scientfic discoveries, people creating amazing songs/articles/movies/amazing products/amazing projects. there are lots of doers out there. i am just a dreamer:) if you are interested to some one who is stalked by people thats tried to be turned to a prostitude only because a sociopath woman wants to see me as a prostitude(sociopathy:S she were frantically lauyghing out loud with repeating stalk narratives in one stalk incident, takes pleasure of saying her sociopathy to me and non stoppingly laughed. in 0.6 years ago. wants to see me as a prostitude. there are such maniacs who do such acts as i observed in life, scientists call those people as sociopaths.  my sociopath is a stalker woman. animates people for such purpose. and in one stalk incident unstoppably laughed out with repeating stalk narratives she devise and animates.  but sociopaths do hurt people like that. then have pleasure of that, with laughing out loud with repeating stalk narratives.  i wsh you never confront such experience in life.   i evn had wanted spies help to catch this sociopath stalker woman from my blog(cause waht she does is terrific. i were like in "scream" mood for entire last year. she animates people in real life to do whatever she wants like trying to make guhu a prostitude:S i got stalked nearly most of my time in outside. i got stalked in differnt 4 cities. it were terrific. and when she came to cafe last year (i tried once going outside last year) and unstoppably laughed out loud and repeated stalk narratives. she wants me to be a prostitude. and animates people for that. it were like i were like that scream painting. my mood entire year were like scream painting. not any less. ).  i even asked for that in my blog. but i guess its not that important and i understand that cause i am not an important person as i also know. she stalks now in the 4th city. here. but i dont any scare.i dont feel like any in scream painting mood anymore. i dont any scare. last friday a big guy said "ork! (with hatred voice". "with money?".  and similarly on friday or thursday a guy passed (a short guy passed beside) shouting the stalk narrative. and on friday, in inner streets i confronted stalk sentences with Tugra name. i been really tried to be turned to a prostitude by these stalkers. they shouted me labels/names. they shouted me ork. of course nothign worked. and i am over fear of it. i dont scare. but i think i even asked spy people's help for helping me saving from this stalk of this stalker sociopath woman. i remember in one situation i asked for world's security forces to help me even. but now i dont scare nor fear.  i dont scare or fear from this sociopath woman's sociopath stalk anymore. no more fear in life.  fear not any little bit solves anything in life. as i observe from this stalk of sociopath stalker woman. for a month i am not any in scream mode. i dont scare any. but last year were like that scream painting, not any less, nearly every day i scared. but no more fear in life. i dont scare any little bit from that idiot stalker sociopath woman anymoreut . even now tellign about this, tears fells. cause it were really hard. i wish noone would try to turn to you a prostitude with stalking you with curses/dehumanization. i never turned. i never replied. happent for 3 years. a sociopath woman targeted me and messed with me for more than 3 years. but last year were where i even started scaring of going outside. i remember 8 months ago, in my blog i asked for security forces help to catch these people and this idiot sociopath stalker woman. for her sociopathy acts and attempt to try to turn a non prostitude woman to a prostitude  with stalk/dehumanization/curses for 3 years. tears even now fall when telling about this. it were like a war. war still contnieus. i got stalked by this sociopath woman's helper on Friday. but i dont any fear any scare anymore. i am over fear part. the root stalker is a sociopath woman. in one stalk incident she endlessly laughed out with sitting in cafe in to  a desk front of my desk. she endlessly laughed:S saying those stalk narratives:S it were like a war:S even tears falls now when i talk about it:S it were really hard time:S stalk still continues in 4th city here. but i dont fear anymore. i got over fear part. i dotn scare. i dont fear. but ifsuch  you like to do journalism, help woman who are tried to be turned to be prostitudes by maniacs. in my case it were a sociopath woman hating me for reason i dont know and wanted to see me as a prostitude and animated people for that. it were terrific even being an engineer.  but i dont scare or fear now. i dont scare from that idiot woman's sociopathic fantasy of wanting to see me as a prostitude now.  but if you want to help people, do investigate find people who are confronting such troubles.  i dont have such trouble impacting me other than my psychology. i mean they couldnt of course do nothing such alike. but there are real woman impacted by such people. so focus such people.  i dont have troubles in life. i am stalked by a sociopath woman who fantasises to see me asa a prostitude and animates people for such goal. but that idiot sociopath cant do such thing to me for sure. but the thing is, help people with trouble. there are lots of people in real troubles. or people doing important things. i dont have any troubles in life now.but last year were like scream mood. because last year i understood what she is trying to do to me. and i get locked in scream painting like mood for entire last year. and never went outside. except in home town maybe 3 days or 5 days went outside in hometown. here she still stalks me, but i dont any fear anymore. i dont scare anyltitle bit anymore. i am over the fearing part in this socipathy i confront from that idiot sociopath stalker woman. so my life troubles are unrelated. its about a sociopath woman. i dont know why she targeted me for such stalk.  she iin one stalk incident never endingly laughed out. i just cant even write that without tears. but now my life is normal cause i dont scare from this idiot stalker sociopath woman's stalk anymore. i am over the fear part.  no place in life to fear from idiot people's (the sociopath woman and her helpers in that) sociopathic wills. i wish i hadnt fell to trauma last year due to this. and had this nonfearless mode like now. but 1 year passed with trauma. but i dont fear from these 30 iq less idiot sociopaths sociopathy stalk/sociopathic wills anymore. btu for a year scared the hell out. for a year, a year passed like in scream painting like mode.  sociopath people really are super bad:S she wanted to see me as a prostitude and animated people to try to turn me to a prostitude. i remember even 7 or 8 months ago i asking spy people's help to help me in my blog. to catch this sociopath woman and stop her sociopathy. anyway. i dont scare nor fear now any little any tiny bit. there were constant names like Boris name thats said in stalk incidents. so a Russian person were involved. maybe not Russian who knows. anyway. now the scream painting left it self to a smiling guhu who likes to draw happy expressions. i dont any little bit any tiny bit scare anymore. there is no fear any fear now. (for a month, i dont any scare nor fear).



 i dont know if you listen to me either, but i wished you cherry picked my words when i were scaring/fear of stalk i confronted of that sociopath woman maybe?. i dont scare now. i have no fear now. but there ar elots of people fighting against many troubles in life. or creating immportant thiings.creating beautiful things. please focus on them. lease focus on people with troubles. i dont have 
troubles in life now or not had done created any important things in life yet either. i am not a person to cherry pick words of hey journalist person.  do cherry pick of people like Hong Kong protestors, or nobel prize winners, or important things, or important projects. i am not a person to cherry pick words of. i have no troubles in life nor i have any good accomplishments like big projects either.
this is my request from the journalist. who i observe likes to cherry pick my words. there are more important people i am an insignificant person in 7.5 billion.
), if thats why you are interested to my blog, i dont want that either. there are lots of people to focus on (like doers, hongkong protestors, doctors who do philantrophic acts like helping people in Ebola things, amzing song writers etc...). not me:P




of course very happy things also happent last year like my brother solving p=np:) in begining of last year or alike id nt know or 1.5 years ago.
p=np means having quantum computing power. it means disrupting all minign tech set. (something that never would be done) its kind of a tech that n.ot suit this world's state right now i think.  i mean the systems. this new tech is not meant to be discovered now. its kind of early & very disrupting thing. maybe me being stalked by a Boris named person were due to that?  i dont know. i know nothing about.

there are some early discoveries to its time. its one of them:P so my dream were building super computers with my brother in future:) but of course future quantum computers would surpass our methods. but i been very disturbed last year by such stalk as if my success in anything were tried to be blocked in coding anything. i dont know.  i dont any know.  only thing i know is my last year passed like in that scream painting mood. but i do think its not related to my brother's discovery. but maybe its. i dont know. but that stalk happent slightly in first 2 years than exponentiated in last year. so dont know if some pepople made it exponentiated more so that i entered to scream painting mood. i dont know. or its just not ayn related. it might not be any related. it might be just that sociopath stalker woman's will of wanting me to see as a prostitude:S.

so last year, in all that i tried to discover blockchain version that works really distributed ( a public one) but i left in the middle. but who knows when i would create such hobby to create such thing thats better than ethereum :P (ok ok kidding mine might not be better than ethereum:P or might be:P worked hard on security algorithms to define a new way of security mechanism. thats truly distributed (but for transactions, kind of different than blockchain). is tuided number theory and security algorithms to define a new rsa method thatlots  works distributed but it wernt efficient. but could work more for that in future. but have  lots of goals in stack before that so might never work on security algoeithms again for a very long while. i have game goal (never ending project:D  ) and hurricanes related thermo dynamics learning goal. then since i learnt about spherical harmonics, want to continue quantum mechanics study. might again stall since the necessary math level would surpass my level as happent before. i got stalled in De Broglie's constant part.
 

 
  its been nearly a  year or less my brothers p=np article is reviewed. its kind of a technology thats ahead of its time. world is really not ready for such tech i think. but tech iterations are good things int he end. but of course real quantum computers would surpass that methodologies/optimizations in future. and i think world is also not ready for quantum computers that much and infer such services wont be ever publicized.









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me tried to be turned to a prostitude:
its either that sociopath woman(who frantically lauyghed out with repeating stalk narratives) or brother doign an early discovery that doesnt match with the current context of world's systems (kind of early).  i see no logic in making me turn to a prostitude (eroding my dignity like that) for my brother's innovation. i mean, it wont change such innovation. i dont understand why such thing happens to me for 3 ye ars such stalk. i only understood last year the sociopath woman's agenda. i mean before it were just a stalk like a psycho wmoan and her friends calls me ork. last year i understood she is also trying to turn me to a prostitude. it became super scary then:S and i stayed in trauma for a year. but now i am over fear of it. the war still continues.i got disturbed on friday and saturday in 3 incidents. but i dont any scare nor fear anymore from those idiot people who tries to turn an engineer to a prostitude:S  of course they couldnt. but stalk happens for 3 years. the sociopath woman wants to laugh out more. for doing sociopathy more. but i dont scare nor fear anymore from this idiot sociopath woman and her stalk like this. i try to link this to my brother's innovation like, they would try to make a prostitude and scare my brother with saying: look we try to turn your sister a prostitude stop this innovation or dont do innovations? its a crazy idea:S  i dont think any such agenda happens in these idiots whom stalk me like that (the socio woman and her perpetuators). ok my brother's innovation is an early for now innovation, that world's some systems dont fit to this innovation quite alot. i mean we could had disrupted entire mining industry if we wanted though we dont want any such things. but tried to be turned to be a prostitude whilst i am a coder (i am an engineer):S i mean its super illogical. so any illogical theory why this happens to me is thought in this head of guhu for decrypting things.i mean its super illogical to be tried to turned to aprostitude:S its suepr illogcial. so i dont any understand. i do think what i think is true, that the root stalker (the woman who laughes out frantically) has sociopathy and does these acts for such purpose. not because of trying to stop my brother's innovations via trying to do bad things to me.  i think the simplest explanation in analyzing things are usually true. so i think, the woman as her laugh /pleasure with saying stalk narratives (that are used in stalk incidents) shows her pleasure of doing sociopathy and i think this is a simple sociopathy incident.  i mean i dont think that laughing out lady has no agenda of scaring my brother ?with trying to scare him with saying we could even try to make your engineer sister a prostitude so stop doing such innovations? no i dont tink so this is whats happening. i do think thats happening is the simplest explanation, that a sociopathy illness holding woman is hungry to do sociopathy acts against me and has a fantasyy of wanting to see me as a prostitude. (tries to destroy my life with such sociopathy acts. i know this feels unbelievable to you blog readers. you wouold only understand if you confronted a sociopath's such targeting. someone hell bent to try to destroy life of target she/he targets. that happens when being confronting a sociopath. i wish none of you blog readers ever confront a sociopath's stalk:S (my stalker is a woman. i wonder the demographics of the sociopath people, e.g. is it seen more in womans? or man?  my sociopath stalker is a woman.  i saw her in one stalk incident she were frantically laughing and saying stalk narratives with a never ending laughing out state. she were taking pleasure from that act of repeating stalk narratives i constantly confront. )


anyway, as war still continues, i am stronger in dealing with sociopath woman's stalk. and i dont any fear any little bit more. i dont any tiny bit scare. no scare/no fear. so actually there is no war. (for a month i dont any scare. fpr a month i dont feel i am inside any war, no fear/no scare. any bit of fear dont exist for that. ) cause i dont scare from this idiot sociopath woman anymore. idiot stalker sociopath who thinks could turn guhu to prostitude with animating people. idiot in most base level form.  woilst we art people like to animate cartoons or have such agendas, this idiot tries to animate people to try to turn guhu to a real prostitude.



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unrelatedly, lets talk some better topics not some maniac woman doing bad acts against me:


my life feels weird. i were once confused as a genius:P that were cool:) but i am not any genius and rejected since i am not any:)


life is so funny, in the sense, whilst others confuse you as a genius(big confusion, i am not any little bit genius any tiny bit), a sociopath woman tries to turn you to a prostitude. this is really absurd.  life is really very weird in this sense. and i guess sociopath woman lacks any kind of rationality for having such goal.  i dont understand sociopathy goal. there are lots of other things to do in life other than trying to turn an engineer to a prosititude:S  sociopath idiot woman. actually turned my life to very scary state initially, now finding it kind of fun either since my life is like movies i think? in this sense?  come on brother invents a technology that is early for its time, some people (an idiot sociopath woman and her perpetuators) tries to turn me to a prostitude, is not it like from movies? aha i were also asked infomrally for to be an NSA engineer for being confused as a genius. (i rejected since i am not any genius any tiny bit :)) though unrelatedly for to build my own blockchain project i worked on security algorithms to see they are really hard, but not that hard to create a distributed RSA version  if studied enough :P  actually if you study enough no topic in this earth is super hard, you just need to study enough that domain necessitates. might take long time/lesser time. if you dedicate yourself, you could learn any topic you want. but the time is the thing. so people usually focus in one area to be masters of that area. i am kind of generalist in that since i am both not super intellgnt and like to be a generalist. if i been super intellgnt i might also be non generalist. i dont know.to me software projects are as: like bitcoin, aha lets analyze its source. hmm this is like that and this. aha i dont understand why people do thi.s that way. lets study number theory to do it better way. aha this way might be better real. why dont they radically change this that way.  to me its like that, taking one topic and thiining how it could be done nicer in a super dedicated time. so if you super dedicate yourself to sometopic, you really start seeing things possibilities. its all about investing time. to some topic. anytopic. if you want. you can. :P not any kidding. and there are mooc courses. you can learn any topic. like me being non super intellgnt and learning whatever i want, you can people can do similarly. if guhu can. everybody can. :) mooc is an enabler for us to learn anything we want and its as always saying very nice thing. even if we wont invent things since we arent super intellgnt, but easy access is also something very nice.


but thats not of course creativity. i am not any creative. i just try to understand how things work. but creative people build the creative things. i wish i were also creative. for instance, people who coded blockchain's algo. its really something awesome. that puzzle being impossible to be solved withhout trying chances and arrainging 10 minutes and aligning puzzle's complexity along wiht that. though thats proof of work basics. proof of stake is another thing. but that proof of work's initial version is very creative. i dont think for creative things, i cant say  its something easily doable. i dont for instance expect creative things from myself any:P
listen Vivaldi and his style in music. blockchain's initial version resembles that i think. no no that would be being bad to Vivaldi cause i think Vivaldi is much more genius than blockchain's creators. i think Vivaldi is like 100x more genius than blockchain's hidden initial creators.thats my idea of course. i might be wrong. but feels as like that.  still we dont know creators of blockchain:) some mystery in software world:) mysterious unknown coders:)

but it would be funny if me and my brother disrupted mining world:P (i being just the coder. i am nt the creative one.) but we wont. anytime. so in that, we might had turned mysterious coders and people would tell "some people disrupted minign industry and we dont know whom they are". :P no we wont ever. but it would have been cool to do such cool acts like that:P but we wont ever do such act ever. since there are lots of other things to do in life than disrupting mining entirely :p (e.g. my never ending game proejct:P ) (i wish i code tomorrow night some code. i stucked in same place of code for 2 weeks. i wish i iterate faster:P this is like super slow game development an alternative world where game development happens super slow:DDDDDDDD like a place of code gets developed in entire month:DDDDDDDDDDDDDD (one line added in a week like feat:DDDDDDDDDDDD an alternative universe of game development:DDDDDDDDDDDd is not it like that:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i am disrupting the game development methodologies with being super slow:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD only disruption i can do is being super slow so that disrupting the development methodologies in a funny way:DDDDDDDDD creating alternate gaming universes where games get published in 10 years:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD a new software development model:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD anti-development named software dev. model:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD guhu's only establishment in life  is being that slow so she disrupts world like that:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD (another way of sayin i had never disrupted anything in life nor expect such thing from myself:P) ) ).  maybe i get faster. but i do find myself none disrupter. cause i am like a snail:P really like that:D developing game projects like a snail:P (expecting first release in 10 years:DDDDDDDDDDDDD and its not any disrutping idea either) by the way even if i wanted to disrupt minign industry(i wont nor would ever want), my brother wont ever. since all miners would go away. we arent interested to such topics ever.  it would be like resembling hacking blockchain since we become only miners:S. we have no plans to be any hackers anytime. not ever. not any possible. i dont like hacker word even.  hacking things is not ever possible in our lives. (though i scaredly write this since i scared of hackers would hate me for not liking hacking topic:P  i already have enough haters in world. a sociopath woman tries to turn me to prostitude in real time in real life. (of course no such thing could hapepn) i dont know what else worse could happen to a woman?( that being stalked by a sociopath lady who animates people with such purpose:S) anyway.  so please i dont want hacker haters also:S i already have enough haters. a sociopath woman tries to turn to me a prostitude for real. :S i confront sociopathic type of hatred, not any normal type of hatred:S i dont know why she hates me either. but does such sociopathic acts to me:S  idiot sociopath:S )



 but is not this like a movie ? i do find these things like a movie? i dont scare anymore from sociopath woman's stalk anymore. so i just watch the movie, the way she animates people to do sociopathy acts against me.  not any scared of seeing those animated people anymore like happent in friday and saturday, same narratives, same stalk. she animates people to make me turn to a prostitude. but i am not any scared any tiny bit any little bit any more. just an idiot sociopath. nothing to scare from. for a month, i am not any scared. i am over fear part for last month. no more scaring from idiot sociopath lady who targets to make me turn to a prostitude. never seen such idiot in my entire life ever. 


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hey  i countered the stalker lady's perpeutator (a lady) waiting in near to subway i enter subway. repeated same stalk narrative of sociopathic sentence.  i dont any care the sociopathy of this woman, nor any scafre nor any fear  from this sociopath woman. continues to do such sociopathy against me but i dont any scare. i dont even slightly care this sociopathy i confront. repeated same stalk narrative the stalker woman frantically laughed and said hmm 9months ago in a cafe (i said lets go to a cafe that day lets get over stalk. then i took my calculus things to read awhile. then i passed to outside she laughed out frantically never endlingly with repeating stalk sociopathy.  today a perpetuator to her were waiting in near to subway entrance. and she repeated the sociopathy. i ddnt even any slightly scared nor stressed nor felt any fear. no more fear from this idiot sociopath woman. and her sociopath acts. i dont want to even spend time. while some people build things, this socio lady tries to animate people to label with things that dont ever suit me. constantly hapepns this thing for 3 years nearly. but this extreme level happent only last year. happent in 4 different cities. wherever i go this sociopath lady stalks me and her last year hobby is to do make me show if i am a prostitude like :S or suhc things:S i ddint any cared nor scared. scare/fear were topic of last year. i am over scare/fear from this sociopath stalker woman. no more fear. not any little bit. not any tiny bit. no more scaring from sociopathy of this sociopath woman.



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hey i read a very nice blog today from one nice newsletter i am subscribed to. It were awesome & very awesome :)  it were very courageing. it wre awesome:) Thanks alot:)  yepp:)  i would definitely follow the advises :) thanks :) a lot thanks:))))))))))))))))))) wov life is awesome:) sometimes very awesome things happens:) like receiving advises:)  Sincere thanks with all my soul grateful for these advises :)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I would follow surely, definitely:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) wov i think its a very cool day for me to receive such advises both to the guest and to the newsletter writer :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Sincere Thanks:) i am definitely following all of the advises:) Kind Thanks:) I got lots of advises/ very imporant insights :) would follow each of them:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks:) (right now already following:) Thanks alot:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  Wov:) Super thanks :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  i am definitely following:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (Thanking  you with my soul fulled with full of gratitude:)  ) Wov:) a very  very cool thing to happen in life:) to receive such advises :) wov:) would definitely follow all of these advises :) Wov:) I think it is definitely a  super cool moment in my life :) for to receive such advises:) wov:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) (Grateful  actually super grateful mood is the today's mood of me:) ) (ok i know it had been alot repetitive sentences of thanks but i feel like this :) so sentences got repeated with thanks :) )

If this is personalized and to me,  I am super honored to receive advises of:)  And feeling super grateful for the advises& Sincere Thanks:)

(and would follow all of the advises & insights:))









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(I might had taken important advises of a physics & ai institutes director/partner & a serial entrepreneur )  (not surely knowing if it were personalized to me but quite high probability:))  (wov:) )  would follow all of the advises :) ) (wov:) ) (feels like having gone to heaven:)  wov:)  since i mean i never thought a physics/ai institute director/entrepreneur would give advises to me in some areas :) wov:) Sincere Thanks :) ) (not sure if it were to me, but looked as if its to me:) ) (wov:)) (i think its one of the happiest moment (in terms of feeling gratitude and happiness) of my entire life:)) (I would follow all of these advises :)  )


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unrelated to yesterdays topics:



ok :) i see someone makes fun of my posts. ok whatever he makes fun is legit since i confused as he likes me while in actual life he doesnt like me:)
i first seen the macho related funny post :D ok i both said i want to drink tonight for since i made myself a topic to be made fun of legitly since i had confused something due to unrelated people's trying to make fun. then whatever some people makes fun of me in my confusing is valid/legit. ok i said all afternoon shit i would be made fun super much for confusing someone likes me. ok i know i am not any famous but didnt Moby also confusedXD ok i am not any moby but people confuse right:D i confused as ahe likes me since because some people made such post trying to confuse and i later understood it has none relatedness to him. but whatever fun he makes on my such confusion is legit i think .

aha the octopus thing were like, it were like: it were in twitter.  i tweeted i am like an an octopus. then i saw my friend tweeted 2 hours ago some people are building octopus robots. it were about medium topics:p for since i usually ddnt used any octopus emoji ever and that day used, and funnily that day my friend tweeted like that 2 hours ago. (werent direclty twitter friends but liekd to do say sarcastic things to me that colleague. so octopus were about pseudoscience topics)

ok now i ssee relationship advices after making fun of macho topic:D that if i walk in shallow water i would be erased easily. yeah. thanks for relationship advises. and i laughed alot to that your funny bear thing that makes fun of macho things topics. :D ok. you have any right to make fun of me like that since i confused as you like me. its legit. i approve yours all jokes in this topic/making fun topic since i confused as you like me whilst actually you dont. but i were really deceived by others and i wish you saw what others did to make me believe you like me  (while you dont:D)

i were like, oh shit i would be a topic of people's jokes/make fun attempts all  after noon but i also laughed but wanted to drink also. and this time it werent any my fault:D people really deceived me that you like me(while you dont). really  happent like that:D and other thing were was some meme thigns also tried to deceive me in that with some pictures sometime. so i really been tried to make believed you like me  (wihle you dont like me).


ok anyway in anycase i think i would drink today  for current and future being made fun attempts. i know its legit to be made fun of for such confusion of confusing i were liked whilst i wernt any liked:D but still want to drink for such confusion :D


and octopus were about 1.5 year ago. hey really such weird things happent in my life. every one is real. but octopus one were like that: i told i am an octopus emoji (we silly millenials:D)  then saw that my friend 2 hours ago tweeted also about octopus topic (like 2 years ago). but it were plausible coincidence. but the anthropology podcast were quite weird. that were weird. i talked about my plants saying i dont remember this plant's name. and 1 hours later anthropology podcast i listened talked about in an unrelated place people sometimes forget plants names and household names. and it were not a personalized podcast, it were time ordered and i selected last page (so it were a podcast from 1 or 2 years ago) so i said what:D and asked whether its a simulation or ? at that incident:)


ok gonna go drink since i know i would be made fun alot:D for a while by people for confusing such topic:D
 .
ok then i would go work onn hobby game project:D and peoplle would always remember me with this things of me confusing as some one likes me(that who now made fun of my blog with octopus thing as i see)  whilst he doesnt:D right? i would be always forever made fun of:D i should get used to that i think :D ok but need to drink today then would code the game hobby.  yayyy my webgl game:D but noone would know my webgl game but they woud remember the lady who got confused as someone(who is making fun with octopus emoji now:D)  likes her while he doesnt:D so if my web game ever gets popular, i would need an owner who wont be made fun of for such things for sure:D 


i said today "I HATE THAT ARTICLE WRITERS WHOM MADE ME BELIEVE HE LIKES ME WHILE ACTUALLY HE DOESNT ANY!" :D i said "I WANT TO GO DRINK TODAY!" :D then i also laughed to being made fun of for sure:D in subway, people saw some lady sometimes smiled herself for this kind of funny situation of having found herself in a shitty shameful situation of thinking someone likes her while he doesnt any (but the thing is that some people really received me as if he likes me:) not kididng any, really people deceived me:D)


due to finding mysef nf a shameful situation  alike:D i played with my hair and even my hair got fall got leser (my hair looks shitty today. since i over played due to stress:D ) (ok this is both funny and both shameful situation and i think people to forever would make fun of me for confusing such a thing:D so if i would have web game, i would find someone who is saying he or she is the owner of that game:D since people would always remember me with this :D the lady who confused some person likes her while he doesnt like:D

ok going to go drink now:D (but my mood were super funny today;D like my sentences of "I HATE THOSE PEOPLE WHO DECEIVED AS IF HE LIKES ME WHLE ACTUALLY HE IS NOT ANY"  (For finding self ina  shameful situaiton fo someone not any liking me, but people deceiving me as he does likes, then i write paragraphs as if he likes me)

ok now i received a relationship advice:D i dont know if this is a good made fun of by him or not:D i guess he is making super fun pf me now:D and he is legit for sure:D

ok. :D

(i think if i have a webgl someday, i need to be the hidden owner since people would always remember me with this confusion of thinking he likes me while he doesnt any:D)

i think i really need to walk with big eyeglasses scarfs for a while:D


ok i newly seen something :) aha:) wov this confused:)  on my understanding of some things. aha. this really confused. ok are you joking or is it to me?  wov. but how? ok you must be joking and thats not to me ?  are you making fun of me? you know the pug thing. you know. i had some pugs relatedconfusing things. you know that:) and referencin that:) ok seeing that, i wanted to reask whether is it a simulation again:DD you must be joking:D  referencing my pug related thing? how couold you know the pug thing:)

ok you must be a friedn and i must be a kind of Moby :D (yoou know Moby confusing some woman is platonically kind of interested to him but whilst he werent:D )  in this situation i am the Moby:D and you try to continue this turning  guhu to Moby that others started since it felt funny to you? :D:D

(by the way songs of Moby are awesome:) )


hmm i think you are a friend:) gotcha:) ok but how do you know the pug thing:D ok it must be easy to learn right:) some people also did such things:)
Guhu turning to a Moby's state has many causes:P pugs were one of them:P
so i translate those as:
i see you meant: in those posts:  i understand you had been bullied and we ar eagainst bullying.

in cute pup post: you meant: " i know you got fooled by others to make you believe i like you by pug pictures:) so i didnt get  angry for you confusing me as liking you whilst there is not any such thing."



in bears picture you meant: " you like macho  guys? lets make fun of that with your like of macho guys:D"


in octopus picture: you make fun of my  blog'sshallow sea like relationship topics?


this way i translated your posts:) for what you said? is my translation correct?

or are you also trying to turn guhu to Moby? :D i started to wonder that:P since you made fun of pups event:)  you found me believing you like me is kind of funny  and you decide to turn me to Moby:P (whilst you are just maybe a friend and i confuse as we have a platonic thing :) :D) you are a silly friend if you are doing that:D (if you are trying to turn guhu to a Moby:D)(since Moby confused as he is having some platonic relationship etc)


now i wondered alot and would watch Social Media movie:D i once saw your comment that you dont like that movie :P ok since you make fun of me like this:P(with turning me to a Moby :D)  i would watch the movie you dont like:P

ok ok i am not bad:P i wont watch the movie you dont like:D but wondered alot now:D i right now also opent your biography :D and confirmed you are a genius type of ffriend. (i never been any genius in my life ever:D)


aha :) i discovered a new post:) hmm :) ok:) trying to translate this also  :) ok:)
 
ok:) trying to translate latest posts:)  this latest post might mean lots of things :) i couldnt fully translate it :P


aha this is from 1 hour ago, but my phone newly received it. hmm my phone has wifi problems? i newly seen the makeup related post:D thought its newly  posted but now i seen it has been posted 1 hour ago. aha:)

ok couldnt translate this one fully:) i try to decipher your meanings :)


ok whilst wandering around your biography i saw you are religious:P (Guess what? you have an atheist insta friend:P) and i never had a chance to have a Jewish friend. cool :) (not forgetting the fact that you arent a friend from insta but also the insta thingy also:D )


can i please watch the social media movie? please:) i mean i wish you wont dislike this friend for watching a movie. i remember that movie when told, since you are famous, we heard you told i ddnt liked this movie & it doesnt resembles me but its ok. but i usually watch movies later on (not a strict movies watcher, i watch later on) can i watch it ? or now i would read your biography and it feels weird to do:) but i wondered:D

you are from New York(cool). ok :)

ok i guess i wont watch the social media movie since you ddnt liked that movie:)(as we people heard when that movie were published)ok would instead read things in internet:P :D (bibliography thignies)


wov you liked to create computer games, cool. i am trying to create one but it its like recent weeks i only added one line of code like thingy:P
its a webgl game. want to pass it in 2100s:)  try to first adding real world heightmap:)  then came up new opengl features like different new tessellation shader things i never knew were added. then there is some defect in triangulation algo but hadnt worked on recent weeks alot. then would try to add first the world and some triangulation of rocks/ground some vegetation/rock shaders. then as constructed sky color maps (i need to fix things in that of course, but base version's code is ready) would add that type of atmosphere. but my rendering algo on atmosphere needs to be reconsidered cause my way of non raycasted spherical coordinates view generation of sky in real time is not any curvature protecting. i mean, it would distort the sky's colors. so i would try to study on a curvature's projection on another curvature if possible. or would try  to find some way. but clouds part is also i think i would model them with lod things but their lightening properties would be again batch generated. hmm this is the agenda of this webgl game:) tons of things to do and just added only 1 or 2 lines of codes in weekends last weeks:P  you like we nerd people so why you like to talk to us? :) i saw your star wars like from biography:) you are definitely a nerd then also? :)   i am little bit nerd:) not super intellgnt in tech topics like nerds. but little bit nerd i am:) i am kind of geek to social sciences more than tech topics i think. but never had attained more than introduction  info in there for sure.  (i am not super intellgnt also in social sciences areas:) never been a genius ever in my life in any area:) neither tech nor social sciences nor any other area:) )


aha :D i read you are also an atheist (in lines of biography :D aha confused this word in previous paragraphs:D silly me :S ok quite ashamed of confusing the words:P) . in upper part or other page i saw you are religious. so you are either religious or atheist i dont know:D  i like religions & atheism. i am atheist  but sometimes i also query existence of things like religions tell about but i am most of the time an atheist.






ok its very interesting to have a famous friend.




cheers :) all the best from Berlin :)


ok if anyone told you would do post things related to my blog, i would never believed. ok this life named thingy is super interesting:) i have a famous friend whom visibly likes to read my blog at times:)  wov:)


 or maybe you hadnt taken topics but its just coincidence. thats also quite possible.  yepp. since art activities people do different but also similar things sometimes, so it might be also a coincidence. (that i dont have a friend whom reads my blog any. ) but just a minute, there were shallow refernce there (i used shallow word and there were an octopus there that were cleared by shallow sea? ), ok its not a coincidence, you are really reading:D ok its super cool to have a famous friend:D cheers from Berlin:D





hey the possible meanings of that thing i seen in insta is super confusing:)   there are flowers hmm there are other things. its super confusing:D

what is meant trying to understand that is right now super confusing:D

but i cant stop laughing to Moby reference i did for myself:D i am not normally a super funny person that does tell funny things but these times i figure out i make fun of myself in superb ways at times:D and that is quite funny:D (when it comes to my mind i laugh, to Moby situation of me myself:D :P )

ok honestly, that last post confused my mind. i one post before, thought ok i am like Moby and he doesnt like me. then in that, i asked what that that words mean? does he like me? does he like someone other? flowers. hmm in 2 before posts, i  were sure ok I found myself as Moby right now:P then last 2 posts confused my head for whether you like me? ok i think most possibly you dont like me and that words dont meant to be any related to me? but if you like me, ok. its a confusing/complicated situation:)  ok either this is a joke or you really like me:) my idea on this is this:)


checking your insta page i think you dont like me. checking insta that thing i think you are making a joke or wantimg to be a friend or very low probability, you like me and i cant deny i liked that probability. but its complicated situation either. ok if you like me, i would get as everything ended with someone? but i just also cant believe that such things are broken. even if i like you, wont you first try fixing whatever broken there? cause you look like a cute/awesome/amazing couple:) actually one of the cutest couples i ever seen in insta:) i dont any know if you like me or not either. i think the probability that you like me is very very low.  i do think you both are so cool and so lovely couple. i adored yours relationshp also. i mean, i think if something is broken there, i think it could be fixed. cause you 2 look awesome & a very cute couple for real. these are said for the very low probability that you like me, i do think such probability is very low. but if somehow, everything ended irreversebly in that & if you like me, i would accept ur attention in such case. and but if you are just confused, i would suggest to save your relationship since you are not kidding truly the cutest couple i ever seen:) one of the cutests i think :) i dont think you dont like me either, and i think i got fooled by other people on such idea. but as told, hmm since you look as an awesome person with awesome hidden communication that stolen my attention,  and i think if you like me, i wont wnt to lose it, but only if, everything is irreversibly broken with your significant other.  but only if you are confused, and if nothign is broken, i do think you should fix things and we could be just friends. if you think you need such silly person in ur life, i could be your friend. i do think you might only liked my silly talks?  if you liked. i dont know if you like or not either.
 if there is something broken:
i do think you could fix whatever broken if there is something broken with significant other since she looks super cool. and you look as a lovely couple:)

if you like me:
i do think the probability that you like me is super low, super super low. but if you do like me, i would only accept such attention if somehow she broke your heart and its irreversibly broken and if thats gonna end or ended. i dont know whats going on.


what i think is, you look so awesome person and your significant other looks like also:) i  do think its the loveliest couple i ever seen for a long while:) if kind of something is broken, you could fix cause you look like i dont know, but very nice couple/amazing couple.


as told, if you like me, i would only  accept yours attention, if only everything is irreversably broken (e.g. sshe broke your heart kind of thing )  and if is gonna end.


i dont think you like me. i guess you meant, you like black people's reflecting their creativity more which is awesome i do think so. i dont also like using black word.  i mean we are all same humanbeings, why do we add black or white labels.  i mean i dont like such adjectives also or language's carrying such words. i feel kind of disturbed when i do say black people. i dont like using adjectives to separate we all human beings. i dont know, that also kind of disturbs me to use "black" adjective. anyway:P




ok this is super confusing. if you dont like me, please dont reference my blog so that i dont confuse those as you like me:) and if you like me, i could only accept yours attention if everything ended with yours other. and if only small things/small fights i dont know if its something reversible, i think you should fix it cause you really look as a very cute couple:) i think its the in last years, the cutest couple i ever seen is you&her:)
and if you just liked me alot, and your head confused due to my silly talks? we could be friends:) so you wnt miss my silly talks? if you miss?

but if everything ended irreversibly between u &her, then i cant deny i liked your communication style alot:D and i dont wnt to lose that and would accept ur attntn:) (if it exists. i have none idea if it exists or not)


 if you like me:
so if everything is not irreversibly broken with her, i think you could try to fix? and if you miss my silly talks, we could be just only friends? 
 but if is irreversably broken, then of course i would accept yours interest cause yours communication is something super attention  stealing to me:) and i liked communicating you from one blog to one feed like this :) and i think i wont want to lose u since you look as a very interesting person.  that really these things really stolen my interest:D



ok this is my complicated brain state's ideas on this:D i dont know what is happening either.  most possibly you dont any like me and people's things confused my head. but if you like me, these are my ideas on this topic.

i think you are just trying to be a friend but i confuse it as something else?


have none idea on whats happening i truly dont know:D

if you are already single? or such in such case  of ending a thing like things(if you are gonna be a single), then of course i accept yours attention :)  cause liked this hidden communication thing alot:)



but i do also think, you were just trying to be a friend but i confuse it as something else? or? you like me?

ok, really you confused this silly brain of mine with such queries on whats happening :D  ok :D

I dont know if i am Moby or not:D in this thing:) i have no idea whats going on:) trying to translate those things but i really dont surely any know whats going on:)








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and  for the thing i dont knw whsts going on. : i see today:either some post unrelated be posted or someone is making fun of blog's some part:P i dont know whats going on. it might be completely unrelated or that post might be makign fun of:D i dont know:P really have no idea:D ok i think i would understand in some time whats happening i guess:) either that is completely unrelated not any related. or is making fun of something i ddnt understood yet:) i ddnt understood whats about this time:) maybe its unrelated. i have non idea?  ok i guess i would understand in some time:) this time i hadnt understood anything again:) but this time might be defntly unrelated. yepp.  i understood nothing couldnt translated even this one:) but felt as, either is defntly unrelated or is making fun of something. but i ddnt understood anything this time:)


ok i remember using perspective word:) hmm its used:) ok hey, my perspective were like, let me share the link of it:) it were about cities:)
https://books.google.de/books/about/Perspective_Made_Easy.html?id=_7TCAgAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

since want to draw a cartoon, the background cityscape, wanted to draw using these.  my perspective is not that much artistic:) mine were just cartoon backgrounds like cityscape:) i am not any artist like those artists:D i am not any artist yet either. i like black white illustrations comics (which are also black white):) mine is not super creative :P like these super creative art. i figure out even if its fun to paint (tried twice, first one is my phone's background picture now:) second one, i saw that in second trial, i had a nice egg like aliens egg, then said wov its very fun to paint, then i broke the colors erronously and it gone, so painting is hard in sense, you can easily breake what you create there, but is easier than maybe other forms of painting which is easier like water color i thnk that one is hard. i am talking of oil paint. dont know if these pictures are oil paint. in my second painting trial (then since i moved abroad, my painting utinsils i wouldnt be able to carry so we gave) egg i created were nice and i said, wov its easy to do oil painting so realistically, then 1 minute later that were gone, so i confirmed painting is super hard, cause there is no undo:D they say oil painting's undo level is easier than water color, i do think both are super hard because there is no undo. but kind of black white illustrations trials i could easily do undo there since there is eraser:D and my kindle things are for that i bought: anyway i couldnt remember the password of it:P but i think painting is super hard. cause at an instant you say wov this looked cool, and its my second trial, and then its gone:S just with a brush touch. its super annoying. i mean it both initially feels easy then but then its also super easy to mess up there:D so thats why i think i should do continue in black white trainig tutorials since i think painting needs strong nerves. i dont have  that much strong nerves. its like, its kind of, feels easier to do things with oil painting but just similarly easier to mess up. so needs very strong nerves. cause i mean i hated losing my alien eggs :D that i would share  like hey this is my second trial in painting :P then it messedup completely and i said this thing needs very strong nerves:D in oil painting its really kind of something magical as i saw in that alien egg drawing trial cause it feels unbelievably easy to shade and at the same time unbelievably hard since its very easy to mess up.  i saw my sentences there:D like i always liked to do realistic drawings as a kid:) mine were fashion drawings:D and not any super realistic:D

hmm you made fun of Moby thing there:D i newly understood:D i only said myself Moby because Moby confused someone likes him while someone wernt liking him actually:D and its the most famous example for such situations so whenever such situation happens first comes to my mind Moby situation:)  since Moby is very famous and she is very f amous:)

aha you resembled me to that? :D  since i tried to resemble myself to Moby?:) i only resembled my behavior of confusing you like me while you dont. its not i meant i am any man:D  or you meant something else. or this is completely unrelated. ok. Moby reference wer ebecause its the most famous case of someone confusing someone likes someother one:D ok i really got lost in translating this. for whether if its related to anything, or if related what it says. in normal life its also kind of funny, like someone confusing someone likes her/him etc. but when famous people does that it i dont know looked again funny. so reason i used Moby reference were because its the most famous such confusion in human history as i heard. since is super famous person. and she is also super famous:) aha its not related to his hair being bald? it being misunderstood that way? nope:S i used Moby reference as since its the most famous such confusion in human history we heard. its something that happens alot in life. but when happens in famous people's lives, it becomes a famous thing to talk about. so it werent any about hair or else. it were about that confusion :P since it happens in our lives alot. it were the first time we saw it in a famous person's life. by the way i listen super alot Moby's one song. its one of my fav songs.  and it wernt any related to outlook. it were right point on related to that confusion. i thought it were clear, cause i said am i confusing whether i am liked (with joking like Moby did :P ) (and i also added of course i am not any famous as Moby and is an awesome song creator that i love to listen).  ok so making jokes using such things are not ok? ok i were newly getting a comedian like joke skills and in my first trials i see what i have done is not liked. ok. by the way i never were a comedian like person before. its something new. but i figure out people didnt liked my comedian side:P
its really  weird, before i never had joke talent or such talents, but i started to develop making jokes (mostly me myself, e.g. resembling myself to Neanderthals:P ) but its something new, this humor side of me. really didnt existed before. and it really feels weird to slowly gather a skill i before lacked. i dont know why we change like that like gathering some skills or losing some skills. brain is a really weird thing cause i never had humor in my talks before. its something new. i lacked the capability to do such jokes. but now i found jokes (mostly about myself by the way:) ) ok so comedians could use other people in their jokes but we non famous people cant? ok, learning what to do what to do not in rthis new skill i am learning:) youwould see my blogs started to be full of making fun of myself thingies like playing with my hair and my hair got bad looking. really looked bad. i like to play with my hair but it makes it curlier and it drops my hair. i see people misunderstand as if thats related to Moby? not any. i am not that dumb to make fun of people's hair. i would only make fun of my hair:D  i just get so perplexed when people misunderstand what i write. i mean i expect people to udnerstand it aswith the meaning i try to give, but pepople could understand it in most unexpected ways. do i look such dumb from outside that could make fun of people's hair? i am not such dumb. but as told, i made fun of the confusion topic:P since its the most famous such confusion in human history since they are super famous:)

i sometimes ask myself, do people really think or do i look this much dumb from outside? cause only dumb people would make fun of people's hair. i just when i talk to someone, if said sentences like mine, i would understand its referencing the confusion (the most famous confusion in history:D)  i mean i would never relate it to hair or else. i just dont understand when i am misunderstood like that. do i look that dumb from outside:P? i mean you would only expect a stranger person or a dumb person to do make fun of such thing? am i a stranger? to blog readers? do i look that dumb to you:P? that who could say such sentences?  i think i need to review what i write, since i sese there is risk of misunderstanding, everytime. in written communication specifically. so that i have to review all mysentences for possible misunderstandings since blog readers thinks i am a dumb who could mean such sentence:P? ok. would review. its the first time i learn i am thought as some dumb lady as viewed by blog readers:S ok would try to fix that impression:)

if people checked my youtube playlists, they would see maybe i think Moby is the top most artist i listen, for real:) just that confusion topic were super famous so i wanted to use it to make fun of my own confusions:P  i think the song i listen most in recent years belongs to Moby:)
it were about that famous confusion:Danyway.
since i make fun of myself using resemlences to neanderthals sometimes, i thought making fun of the most famous such confusion in human history is legit act. (since i newly started to have a comedian like language. i figure out i am bad at it?
ok definitely asking too many do i look that dumb sentences were super dumb. not needing to repeatedly ask. ah anyway. i just think i want to stop blogging because its alot time taking thing, second there is being misunderstood risks, third, reason i blogged were mainly, because i were in trauma of sociopath woman;s stalk.  i were using blog to report incidents where she stalks me in a cafe and does tell sociopathic things. since i were traumatized by confronting sociopathic things. i am still stlaked by that sociopath lady. but i dont anyn stress nor care now. so main reason i blogged or got used to blogging were due to that. but since my life is normal now. that when she stalks me with saying something sociopathic in outside, i dont care. i dont any little bit fear or scare from her sociopathy anymore. so that trauma were my main reason to start blogging. now life is normal(for a month i feel quite normal non traumatized any due to confronting sociopathy things of her), i dont need to ever blog i think? since i dont like reviewing my blog. but i guess i have to review for since people could sometimes think i am a super dumb person and read my writings in such understanding?  i see blog writing is something needs to be carefully done with reviews since people might misunderstand. i am super sad to see blog readers take me as a super dumb person:S

and i cant code any hobby project with also blogging:P
this blogging thing became an addiction and i going to fix it:P no more blogs. after today:P

ok for the complicated topic, i would try ot understand from else places. like from there. ok i dont use Moby's name to depict that confusion types:D but i meant this type of confusions are kind of silly/funny:D like thinking someone likes you and then learning you misunderstand etc. so i liked to use that as an analogy of such situation whilst i am not any famous by the way. am i Moby were making analogy of the situation to Moby's situation in that:P (since its such most famous confusion since the people confusing are super famous).

ok blogging is for people who do it nice. if you do it wrong  (Without reviews) like me, its wrong:) i shouldnt blog i infer. cause without any referencing if you are doing something you should do good kind of general untrue rules (there are no such rules in life:P) but i think i really do it in a very bad way, i mean i should at least review only once my setnecens. but i never do and so sometimes people misunderstand super bad (since i ddnt reviewed and captured such places where people might misunderstand).  this blogging act should be done with reviews. but i lack reviews. so i shouldnt do this blogging thing. and it were a method to cope with trauma of sociopath lady and also used it to communicate to people i am fan of, and people i like. i mean i utilized blogging for many purposes but reason i started were socio woman's socio act's trauma. and it really helped. if you are in some kind of trauma whatever, please blog, it really helps. now that i am not in any trauma last month, not needing to blog anymore and i should get over this addiction cause it turned to an addiction and takes alot time. there happens no time to life due to blogging. if i am going to draw cartoon, i should, instead of blogging right? or like projects, i should get lost in coding hobby projects instead of blogging here. ok this addiction saved my life from depression when i were in trauma due to sociopath woman's stalk (as i understood, she tagged me as a mentally weak person due to my lack of confidence mybe i dont know, but she never endlessly messes up i am a continous sociopathic activity source to that sociopath lady via her sociopath acts in outside. its like i once read, some peoplle sense weak people and do try to do bad things, and i guess sociopaths have such more talent and she thinking me as a mentally weak person (maybe due to my walk ? my self confidence lacking things?)   i figure out i am the perfect target to have been done sociopathic acts against. cause i never replied even once. i always ran from her in cafes when she stalked. or instead had before stopped going to cafes either.  but anyway she still makes me stalked with sociopathy narratives. in bus stops sometimes. in subway entrences. but i dont any stress nor care. i wouldnt cared getting stalked, what disturbs is she does sociopathic acts lie sociopathiy against me. i wouldnt had cared the stalk any. but she does horrible acts of sociopathy beside. so thats why this incident traumatzd me ths much. i wouldnt be such traumatized if it were only stalk. it  never were stalk either, it were super levels of sociopathy. anyway. scaring from her sociopathy is a thing of past:P i dnt any care( for before i scared/stressed) nr scare now.

so main reason for blogging is not existing (scaring from sociopathy of that socio lady:S)
and for complicated topics, i think i could learn other ways. not from blogging. cause in the end, if he likes me, we could communicate if he becomes or is? single. and if he doesnt like me we wont ever commncte either. but blogging is not the necessary thing in that. i mean neither enabler/nor blockcer:D if he likes me and is/becms single, as atold i would always accept his interest:P since he is  very interesting.. and if he doesnt likes me, then we wont ever commcnte also.
i figure out its super easy to steal my heart.  i mean i easily fall in love to people who make fun of me:) and if is genius, i easily fall in love to:D
or i confused friendship with love. i dont know. i dont know whats happening. i think i would understand somehow sometime from that program:D or else. i dont know:) the thing is i figure out i like commnctng with him in hidden ways (my hidden way is actually my public blog:P )


the thing is,i figured out i blog very bad:S i dont review anything. and people misunderstand what i write. and also i am unlike you people, my comedian style neural circuits are very newly developing id ont know why it became this late:D (guhu the slow growing?) i newly started making jokes alot. but its risky maybe. and i think bloggin is a risky act that carries inherently being misunderstood.

i think i am kind of sick of blogging thing:P since i dont do it good. respects/tributes to all bloggers who do it quite well.


i felt sick of bloggings nature of being misunderstood. so i said lets stop since i am tired of this extra task i assifned to myself everyday. i am really tired and motivation to blog has gone since i observed i am not any good blogger. i feel tireed to blogging and i thin k its a good thing since i am a very bad blogger, since i dont review. i felt i shouldnt blog.  and also tired to.
and i saw blogging makes me look dumber than i am and also makes me dumber since i dont read anything but just blog always recent times. its not nice. 

and i also see i dont draw anything or code anything when i blog. so i think i shouldnt blog.  yepp and its not helping me commncte people more if people would like to commncte they can.

ok i dont know if i confused friendship or love. but i really liked that guy's posts:)  so as told, i like him. and would like to commcnte when if he is single? or bcmes? i dont know his sttn also either. he might not be any interested to cmmcntng either. dnt know. i have no idea what happent there in  that commnctn? i really have no idea what happens/happent there. i saw my words of i liked to draw alot when i were akid there now:) i dont know what these things means? he might be either a funny friend. or interested to game project? or he likes me? i have none idea whats happeening there. so i guess if he is interested, we would continue commnctng. if he is not, we wont.  but i wish he doesnt takes my end of blogging as if i dont like to commcnte him. no i like alot. but i wish he sees blogging  weakens my intellectual existence(blogging before were mandatory since i needed to blog to get over trauma(these trauma topics not any related to him ever. people usually misunderstand things sometimes. so lets add this cause i scared as if people would misunderstand as like that), but i am not in any trauma now. .  since i started being a person who only ever blogs and does nothing else recently. so end of blogging doesnt mean i want to end such interaction/symbolic interactionist mechanisms. i dont know what they mean either. i hadnt understood. i wish he never understoods as if he likes to interact with me, end of blogging doesnt mean i dont like to interact. its unrelated to him. its just i saw in my eyes, how bad i do blog. i shouldnt do blogging until i leanr to do reviews.so if he lieks to do symbolic interaction, i would like to continue but not attending from my blog cause i am really tired of blogging.if he likes to cmmcnte, i shrd my email address. and also i dont ay think he likes me. but if he likes, we cld cmmncte when if he is single. if he likes me, its meaningless to cmmncte when he is not single.  and i dnt think he like me either. but would try to understand somehow in sometime. from other program not from blogging. if he likes to commcnte with me, i wish he understands my decision to end blogging. cause i cant do anything whilst i do blog, it became a real addiction, and i need to do also things beside blogging . like drawing or coding or learning things etc.i am really sick of blogging:Pi am sick of actually misunderstandings. it become tiresome to fix otherpeople's misunderstandings. i am sick of being sad to misunderstandings/being anxious to. i want to be in my shell without being confronting what people understand. i try to reduce anxiety in life, and saw being misunderstood creates anxiety so i need to stay in my shell, not have any public blogs etc, but as told, if he likes to communicate, we could commncte elsewhere cause i am  super sick of blogging. i dont any know  reason he cmmncted. maybe he is a funny friend? or maybe he likes me? i have none idea, but if he likes to cmmncte,  i wish he dsnt get upset for me stopping blogging cause there are tons of other ocmmnctn methods also.  please people understands this no more blogging thing. since i am really sick of blogging:S i wish noone wants me to blog to do any symbolic interaction cause i really am sick of blogging but not any sick of symbolic interactions:D i think in that, i newly understood its game projects you weere interested to aha:D  sorry for misunderstanding:S

i wondered why i confused as you like me. hmm i know why because people really made believe such thing. sorry so its not yours fault nor mine either cause i wish you would see people's deliberate effort to make you believe you like me which i figured out wernt done by you.

ok so this ends our communication then. sorry for misunderstanding you but i wish you should know that i were programmed to believe that you like me. by an article. by soem previous things which i compltly understand wernt any done by you.


ok i dont also either why people try to confuse me as if you like me. for why they had written such articles. nor such things. like pugs.  i received once pugs images with your image. when i said i like pugs. so some people tried to make me believe you like me. not kidding. similarly that article. or some posts.seeing a puppy picture i thought you reference pugs. now i understand pugs pictures were done not by you.

things i learn about life, never talk with references someone in internet. cause it might be completely differnt meaning. and unrelated people might be trying to convince some person likes you while he doesnt.  with even sending pug pictures with him. when you like pugs. then a weird twist of fate, he also shares a pup picture which makes me rethink he likes me. then now i see pugs werent from him.
so trying to symbolically communicate someone in internet doesnt any work. so added to the lessons learnt in life. never commncte some people in internet either synnbolic way or non symbolic ways.

people are insincere in that, they could send you pug pictures of someone to make deceive as if he likes you. or write articles as if he likes you in newspapers.

i am stupid in that, i do talk whatver i wanted to say in that. for thinking i am liked. and i do talk quite blatantly for person i like. without hiding words. and this is a stupid mistake.

lessons learnt: be silent. dont talk everything what you think.  be strategic instead of using your heart to think. dont talk. whatever you think. be more strategic.
when i like a person, i leave strategy on the table and talk with my heart. i leave all aftermath thinking behind. i leave all what other people say thinking behind. dont do this for anyone again. main lesson learnt.

never do leave strategic thinking or such things behind when you like someone. thats my main lessons learnt.

never be too blatant. be strategic.  these 2 things i dont do when i like someone. i do stop caring what world would say. and do talk blatantly whatever i want to say.

so this is added to never do again lessons learnt stack. never leave strategy on the table for since you like someone. never be blatant when you like someone. cause its stupid. what if the other person doesnt like me probability i mean. is falling to affection an enough reason to leave strateg/aftermath?

second lessns learnt: dont believe whatever you read even if is an article. some people might be just fooling around.

third lessons learnt: i dnt know any lessons i  need to learn when some unknown people fooled me in this. and my  blatant side in when i like someone situation, i dont know, i think i should never be blatant nor strategy leaver even if i like someone from now on.

since its meaningless in the end. it turns meaningless in the end:S i do think, being fooled by unknowno people is quite hard situation. but i dont know what to think about it either.


i do think, i should leave internet fully, focus on drawing, in turkish there is a word named "ku:smek". kindof kusmek to things unknown people for trying to fool  fool people like me. kind of ku:smek to all these things like putting us as fools.

i think from now on, i would focus in cartoons. luckily i like arts so that some kind of thing to hold on to whilst i am placed as a fool. art is best friend when your world turns down (in this case because i found that i got fooled by unknown people to stay in the room as a fool . )  so i do think, from now on, for a while, my cartoons, humans in my cartoons would be my friends, maybe workplace people also. but no more internet friends or news or anything.  i am sick of all the evil side of humanity when confronted beign fooled by unknown people. anyway. hmm i am super happy art exists in my life. cause its the best friend when you figure out you are just a fool in the room and misunderstand everything all because some unknown people fooled you beforehand.

these unknnown people, i wonder whom they are. but they like to play  people like i been played out on this topic. like making you believe in nontrue things. then you become the fool in the room. doing saying blatant things since thats the way you behave when you like someone.

so ku:smek to all such unknwon part of humanity. i would i think for a while not want any friends except nice workplace friends/colleagues. but not friends.


i think i would continue doing things i am interested. like game. maybe. but mostly i would try to draw pictures depicting the dark side of humanity. like unknown people who fooled me on this.

fooling people is not a nice thing to do in life. tjoughh i observe its something evolution added? cause everyone else does ? but confronting this much  fooling of unknwon people whomeven write articles, i would tribute my dark side of humanity drawings for sure.  i understand completely nothing of them were any done by him.

ok art is always good when you somehow feel supersad. as i felt supersad. art is my thing for dealing with this confrontation of dark side of humanity.  that unknown people who fooled me on this. and me being the stupid/fool as a result.   i never like to be any the stupid/fool in any place/any context:S


even if i got fooled to behave like that, it felt super bad. but maybe i should change my   aspect on that. and never think as this day happent. and continue be strong for exactly against  unknowon people who tried to fool you.

ok so i felt super sad/super stupid/super hurt.  but luckily there is art.. cause even game hobby doesnt feel happy now. nor learning thing which i liked to do. things makes me happy dont make me happy now. only except drawing. i think i would draw alot.  or i figure out i instantly became free. so would find someone other. why not. and give the responsibility to him to make me happy. yepp. i think thats what i should do.  and also do attend art events like sculpturing /or painting maybe since its kind of little bit traumatic and i think art could fix that.  maybe just being beside people who smile and we do collobrative art things might help. just ttrying to figure out a healing way. of beign super hurt.


ok creating a super healing way alike:

they said Berlin had super good parties. if people hadnt fooled me as someone likes me, i would be even attending 2 weeks ago or i dont know 1 week ago right? so that i write paragraphs of stupid sentences to someone who doenst any like me.

ok i think partying like i were young would heal me:P i might find some bf (of course again old as me) from there also so that i forget this unnice week where i been the fool who writes stupid things to a person who dsnt likes me:S (since because people fooled me).


ok maybe life is like this. sometimes we get hurt. sometimes we feel fool. sometimes unknown people fool us. in the end, sometimes we get hurt. but as every pain passes it would pass.


ok so i think i found the thing that would heal my broken soul/heart (due to constant being fooled by unknowno people in some topic and behaving fool due to that) yepp definitely parties. now that i am kind of thinner i wish my cooler type of clothes suits me. oh i am kidding myself i am still fat. but i would wear cool and go to cool parties. and do this :P behavior to all unknown people who try to fool me on this topic so that i  behaved super stupid:S

the fooling all started after i said i would go to parties. then for a week i got fooled. by an article of unknowno authors (turns out nothing that i though came from him comes from him. he is not any related to any of these things i read.)
what is lost in life? i get fooled little bit. but back to 1 week ago:P yepp where are these Berlin parties:) yeah this really made me happy now:) not any more feeling super hurt. i dont care anymore being super hurt on this. i would blend to the flow of life and have fun alot. and never would believe whatver written on things i dont know from where whom it is.

ok i before liked to go parties. i never thought i would like to go. but when your heart breakes, i figure out you start liking parties:) though in young times i liked parties since i like electronic music. i still like electronic music. but its just i want to just talk /chat people just smile. not focus time on understanding anything. would focus on just being happy on the instant of time. i think that would heal me:) much more than drawings. i found what would heal me:)

i am super glad i liked partying in young times so that it became a fallback mechanism when i were super hurt. hmm thinking of going to parties/blending to life/ just being happy without thinking anything/just living instant, definitely  even now started healing my hurt feeligns.

lets blend to life. lets be in life. instead of platonically saying things to someone whom doesnt like me. (though i were fooled by others to believe as if likes me).

no more platonic things. i would live in now/in instant current time now. not for future time. would live life now.  and no more being in internet alot anymore. instead would participate in being life part. i think this would heal me. yeah. never felt this much hurt for a very long time ever.  though i think i found a healing and even started to heal me, i am already very excited for my new life. bye bye blogs. more instantly being in life please. lesser being fooled by unknown people please.
lets find someone from parties also:) or other parties like classical music things i like to listen sometimes. or rock concrts i dont know. its time to blend to life urgently since i have a very hurt stateot postponing to future. .  really hurted super bad. i think i never felt this much hurt feeling for maybe 6 years or alike.  never had this much hurt feeling in my heart for i think 7 years i think so.so plan, parties:P find someone also. yepp this is the curent plan:P for dealing with super bad hurt feeling. even thinking it made me feel better. cause forgetting how hurted our heart passes through being happy/creating happy memories. so urgently need to start creating new memories/being happy part. to forget how much hurted i felt. anyway.

some images on how it felt:

ok while searchign them, i think  i feel better now and already excited for parties. my new fav web page is:D
https://www.residentadvisor.net/events/de/berlin

and also parties listing pages:P yuppp :)


and bye blog readers:)  no more blogging. i think i would be partyng instead:P (and i know even without wanting to partying, that my blocks wertn any good so its better for world that i dont blog either:D)

last time i said i am gonna party(1 week ago or else before),  some unknown people fooled me as if he likes me with an article. this time if i see such article, not any gonne believe ever anything i saw in internet or elsewhere unless said words that are direct communication. i only believe in said words from now on. thats by voice. and even not of course gonna believe much in that. but internet? never gonna believe some people writing an aritcle ? never gonna believe what article says. never gonna be in internet alot from now on. except for work or hobby projects.. but never gonna read neither news papers. nor any internet forum or else. 0 existence in internet. thats my agenda for digital self. sociologs call our persisted self thats in internet as digital self. no digital guhu no more:P good bye internet.  bye.


it wer ea weird week of saying i gonna party than a newspaper writes article referencing even my home's balcony's details making me fool believing someone likes me while he doesnt any. then i for a week write i like you sesntences and say thigns to him. to in the end to learn he actually doesnt any like me. congrulations newspaper article writer for yours act of making guhu a very stupid fool. thanks for putting me as a fool person.



no more reading any news papers either.  no more any internet related things. (except for work purposes like things like api docs/science articles etc)



so fixinfg misunderstanding of:
\"then you become the fool in the room. doing saying blatant things since thats the way you behave when you like someone."

here room means internet. since i say blatant things in internet. and its a reference to "never be the most intellgnt one in a room". i never thought it would be misunderstood in such crazy way:S

my room that i say blatent things is internet. since i said blatant things on internet. and felt as the most stupid in this room of internet for believing in fake news and i observed even news outlets sometimes creates fake news:S

so i felt unlikely to the saying of "never be the most intellgnt one in a room". i felt the contrarian state of that that i became the most srtupid most fool person of this room. (of internet). and its due to mainly the newspaper article. and the other fake news i observed in some other place sometime.


so had written such above paragraphs in all evening to morning with pain. so i had no idea people are predispositioned to reinterpret my sentences in crazy ways. it were a reference to never be the most intellgnt in a room. and i figured out myself as i am the foolest one. since i believed in fake news and also a fake media article.


things i reconfirm: its not easy to blog. you have to review what you want cause what you write is not exactly interpreted as what you think in your head.  secondly, being in internet is shitty since even media firms also write fake news.  thirdly, writing a blog with no sleep from evening to morning means that blog needs to be reviewed. since i had no idea people would had such crazy interpretation of such sentence:S its for sure i cant be in a room with someone i even dont know eye color of roight? or in that contexrt, there is also "i said blatant things". where did i said blatant things is visible in upper paragraphs. its here. its in internet. and room usage is referencing never be the most intellgnt in a room. and this whole thing i confronted, made me felt super fool that i felt as the foolest in the room.( room doesnt mean the bare room meaning. it means internet). so writing from midnight to morning with suffering of feeling as a fool, i had no idea people would understand that sentence in a crazy meaning:S



this reconfirms me that writing a blog is a risky thing. cause people always dont understand in meaning i thought whilst writing any sentence. its super risky as i observe. cause people had misunderstood in the craziesgt way that never came up my mind whilst writing such sentence:SSSSSSSSS confronting such misunderstanding felt super disturbing to me, cause i never ever thought such thing while writing that. actually what i all thought from midnight to morning, is i felt as a fool. so i felt as the foolest of the room (room is internet. i am referencing "never be the most intellgnt in a room" saying) i felt as fooled. by that news article. i cant believe media companies are interested to write fake articles, that in chain makes us fools as thinking something is true then making ourselves fool or behaving fool as a result. it were quite unnice to discover i been quite fool. (felt as the foolest person in the room (room doesnt mean physical room. it means internet). it is a reference to "never be the most intelligent in a room". i felt as the foolest person. i felt super fooled. so thats the pain source. feeling like a fool. thats the pain.
this fake news thing, which even spread to media companies is something very important. it makes us feel super fooled. thats why i leave completely any existence of myself in internet. cause never gonna get fool or feel as the foolest in this room ("in this blog"/"in internet").

i wish none of you gets a personalized fake news thats from a media company. and 1 week you write stupid things thinking someone likes you while he doesnt. i felt as super levels of fool.

fake news is like a virus. first it tries to boggle your mind in social media places. then it also tries to boggle your mind in places like media companies? so my decision while industries fixes this fake news thing, is to be never exist in internet. except for work purposes. or science readings. cause it fools you:S the fake news thing. and makes you feel as the foolest person around. and it feels so shitty. felt super hurted. its like a psychology experiment with no morality background, this fake news thing is like that, it playts with our psychologies, and manipulates our minds/words and in the end we feel super fool.  so i do think fake news is important. but it doesnt only exist in social media. it exists as this time i confronted from a media company.  secondly, i confront that in real life.  a maniac sociopath woman stalks me. since i said instance of she laughed historically and repeated sociopathy narratives, in noon, in a place i hadnt dined today, but on our walkway, she lauyghed histerically alot and shouted "she is oguz". (she assigns other people's names sociopagthic things:S) and showed she is also in this city with histerically laughing and doing that. i mean this fake news named thing is nothing bound to social media but also to news outlets and also to real life as i observe. so my future algo to deal with it is: pass as least as possible time in internet. and blend in to life. find a bf so that i dont fall in to platonic things faked by a news outlet or general fake news mechanisms in general. and i am sad my cloth wearing things is made fun of but i dont care:S i could be short. i can want to be tall. its all my personal choices. i could be content with my body or not also. its all personal.

so before leaving internet. fake news exist in real life(like a maniac lady creating aliases/names to me (that disturbed me in noon time) ). and fake news happens even in news outlets. not only a problem of social media.
and it were super interesting to see fake news in news outlet by the way:S
but the thing is feeling like a fool hurted super bad. i felt like as if i am inside a room and everyone making fun of me and i got played on by a news article. didnt it happen like this? so consequences of fake news is that we get fooled. and it feels super bad. it feels super hurting. though i feel good now. but i ddnt slept till 6:40 am today. and blogged till morning due to this incidents.

i am happy some people visibly knowing these things said me blessing and thanks alot to them:)

the only one thing i wuld say whilst ending my blog (i would had ended last night but its because of the misunderstanding i had to correct thagt i rewritten). fake news even happens in news outlets:S

i am already used to confronting fake news in real life from a maniac lady whom stalks me in multiple cities  for 3 years (and this noon hysterically laughed and shouted sociopathy).
but confronting fake news from a news outlet and being fooled by it felt super bad i mean in overall being fooled felt super hurting. i felt as i am the foolest one in the room(internet) and everyone in . the room is making fun with the fool. from the fake news dissipent (news outlet) or else.

for in hard or easy times of my lives, i ddnt cared alot what others say (except the maniac lady, she says sociopathy and i scafre from her due to that:S i only scare from sociopath people not any others. but luckily my scare from her also gone. i dont scare from her any now) the thing is, i wont care what people say or making fun with me or else.  you people could make fun to forever. i wish you never get deceived by a personalized news article from a news outlet like me. and feel fool like me. or get deceived by personalized fake news elsewhere. since it becomes a common happenstance. maybe they would fix that. i wish they fix that. but i think this fake news things really hurts. since we feel like a fool. and feeling like a fool felt super bad:S anyway. only i added more paragraphs to blog, to clarify new misunderstandsings like some crazy misunderstandinfg of a word usage.



so my new algo in life with dealing with fake news things:


dont read news papers.
dont be in internet.
do whatever else you want to do. but dont do above 2 things otherwise there is chance of being fooled by fake news.



so one who makes fun of me, first fix fake news in yoursystems (ok i know its a super hard challenge ) than make fun of a person who is fooled by fake news.  thouhg this time i were fooled by a news outlet first.  not similar to the time i got fooled from fake news in social media thingies (were fooled in twitter/fb but if it were named any other company it would also be in this list. i think fake news exists where humans exist. not any limited to any context/medium.. i wish you people fix this issue since it really hurt. to feel as fool. i know its a very hard challenge also. while you make fun of me, i wish all good deeds for to fix the fake news things since it really really hurts our lives.  though as told its not a social media's problem, its everywhere. fake news is everywhere, not any limited to any medium/context. it exist where humans exist i guess. not any limited to social media. and is a very hard challenge to solve either. wish it gets solved. ).

i confronted nice things in internet. like personalized good advises. or personalized hatred. but i wish to not exist in internet since i said i were immune now to fake news thing, this time a news media fooled me with fake news. so chances to get fooled in internet is many. so i wont also ever read any newspaper as a result of this lagtest getting fooled thing of fake news things. anyway. i depicted my algo to deal with fake news. and for to deal with insincerety,  algo is simply not any caring being made fun of. its ok to be made fun of. that doesnt hurt. the things hurts are being fooled. by fake news. fake news hurts. i am always non objective to humor usually. i mean i dont condemn humor even if it targets me. but the thing hurts/i condemn is fake news. but fake news exists everywhere. so figure out better to live lives thats kind of living inside towers that are not alot consuming information alot. i mean if we were cells making our cell boundaries pores tinier and having lesser information flow from world./elsewhere. i decide to read not any even single newspaper from now on or any kind of news. my last years has been constantly limiting information i consume iteratively. now came place to newspaper things as i see.  even if i like alot some of them.  i decide to limit information i consume to minimal amount so that i would not be again fooled by fake news.  and i decide to blog no more since i saw observe how much its prone to misunderstandings. i mean since i dont review my blog, i miss the points that might be misunderstood. so better writing no blogs whilst i dont any review them before publishing.







by the way, maybe twitter/fb already solved fake news things. since i am not there i dont know. so my information on status quo of these things might be outdated. they might really solved. i dont any know. since i gave them example, i wanted to mean its 1 -2 years ago exemplifications, dont any know the current state. maybe they had already solved. this time i got fooled by a news outlet weirdly. not any social media platfcorm like happent before. but as told, they might had already solved fake news. i dont really know the current state nor would have chance to learn since i am not in internet.


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And thanks alot to kind people who said blessings:) visibly they know this issue,. great thanks to those super kind people :) but they shoukd know i am quite good/not in any crying moods/sad moods etc. for real:) thanks!

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ok i said bye to internet(blogging as told i stopped blogging) but had to reenter since i saw a severe misunderstanding about some word. since i clarified it, so, bye internet.

ok would blend to life. and never would be in internet ever.
my focus is Berlin events as told yepp. looks as there are lots of events. yepp end of blogging and giving more time to life. and to hobbies. but i dont think i would want an internet game :S since due to these things i confronted. i like internet due to information sharing thing. but since i had a weird experience, i dont know if i would have a webgame. i might instead focus on creaging my own silly art works (i am not an artist but its hobby and might learn more) . as told, i do liked doing art for because to share in internet:P (for bragging about it:P) and because most because, its the best friend to a person believe me. when you are sad, just draw things. i mean its a nice thing. but i think i would also add parties events as told. (lots of parties here) and concerts etc.

though since i wont be in internet any more, no more bragging of my silly art learning trials. i mean it would stay out of internet even if i liked to share alot every silly thing i try to draw:D  ok lets check Berlin Bienal. and manymore things.  and definitely partties:) since i really thing only thing that could make me happy is kind of drinking and hihg music like things right now. never thought i would like to go to listen high music before. but i think not today but many days i would go since it looks as something that would make me happy. since i dont want to think anything but just blend in to life. and parties high music i think its a nice thing to feel the existnece of selves. i mean just want to celebrate my life/my everything/cheer up on things about my life/my goals and have some good time of very high music level. i like that hihg music thing. so plans: lots of berlin parties. and concerts. and i know some people would think contrarian, but i am happy for wsince i figured out a way to forget these fake news things and my being fool acts in accordance to that. i were super sad. but as i think about future, i think parties looks quite fun (high music) so yeah that makes quite happy:) even if i were super sad. and said what the heck ?what. :S or get very sad. or couldnt sleep even. but then thinking of parties returned my happiness back:P Berlin, the city with lots of parties:) hmm and i dont any understand why people thought my clothes selection. i can wear any cloth i want for sure. and i can be excited about my cloth selections to parties for sure.  party/clothes/drinks all super exciting:) i dont get why its made fun of. i never partied for ages. for 4 years hadnt attebnded any party. so it feels quite exciting to select clothes and attned. i think parties existence is super good thing since it made me happy evebn in such super sad state. i forgot being sad thinking of attending parties:P so i m thankful that parties exist:) that could make us happy back when we are super sad:) (due to feeling the dumbest of internet for a while:S) and also, finding someone from pafrties looked kind of fun though i wont do :P or if is like me (techie ) who knows might find:D i mean,  changing platonic state to sommeone that really exist also looks excirting. and maybe not caring world and traveling Europe together with some guy i find? that also feels exciting. i mean i when super sad, listed things that would make me happy. though i think high mjusic made me happiest. i dont think i can fiond anyone from parties either:D since i mean finding a techie guy is possible but i dont think i can. or i might. or might not  find. for sure guy would be techie since i like techie guys as i see. i try to deny that but i am like that. artist guy for sufre it could be. i think i might liked also a scientisgt guy. or techie or an artist. anyway. i last day after being super sad, listed things that would make me happy. but i think parties would make me the happiest.(higfh music thingy) since i really like electronic music also. but not all types of it.   ok when you are a woman, there is something like dressing nice looks fun thing to do and i also like to do that also. and liked the feeling of taking attention with my cool dress:) which is also happy:) i remember in Ibiza some Ibiza guy sending some hmm kiss like thing with hands from far  of course hadngt looked nor accepted but felt kind of fun. i mean whats wrong with that. i mean i listed things that would make me happuy in short term. like parties. hmm buying cool clothes :P  i mean there is kind of such also fun in parties thing.  hmm since i have been super sad recently, need to add thigns that are super fun. i think parties look like that. in my younger times, if something makes me sad, i liked to draw. but now as i discovered parties existence, i first switch to partying option as i observed last day:D first getting lost in drawing/art came up to my mind. then i remembered partying thing which i hadnt done for 4 years or alike.
  before, while never attended parties, the thing when i am sad somehow would be drawing. but after discovering nice things like parties:D i like parties more as a thing to fastly add fun to life. since high music is super fun:) i like music alot. and also drink+ music+ dancing is super fun.

but before i knew existence of partying, e.g. before my age of 28, i when i am sad, liked to do get lost in art/drawing. when i felt sad. but after partying, that if i am sad, my way to add fun to mylife is adding partying:P since partying is always fun:P ok :) i am really happy now:)  since whilst i were super sad for dealing such situation of such feeling super fool state, it wer elike my world got upside down for finding myself in such situation. but i do fthink i am happy now since i figured out happiness could replace sadness:) i dont need to be sad:) it wernt my fault to get fooled since a news outlet fooled me. so not any sad for confronting feeling like a dumb feeling. i am not any sad anhymore and think of happy things like parties instead:) not thinking of sad things i confronted like finding myself in a horrible situation of figuring out i confused as if someone likes me whilsgt he doesnt. as a news outlet fooled me in that. ok i am not fixating nor thinking that topic but thining /happy things like parties. and fuck whatever makes me sad. world has no right to make me sad(whislt a news outlet fooled me, a newspaper thingy), right? :) i think like that. and hmm thinking of happy things like parties:)
my mood now is: fuck sadness. i am thinking of happy things like parties:P concerts etc.

ok i think i would even now go to some partty if i could find. but would return at early as i infer. ok lets check;d its super fun:D lets check what concerts are right now happening in city:) hmm


ok one other things sometimes makes us happy is make up. (it most of the time looks not good in me. i look uglier:D) but i found an eye liner that i liked alot. even if it might not be looking good. lets find out some parties:) first target; a metal rock bar since i dont think i can find any party place that accept sthis guhu with a backpack:DD
ok i dont hthink i wnt to go ot a rockbar. i wish i knew some concerts . aha lets check. there must be some performing groups somewhere right? going to rockbar seemed weird thing to do(since it would look weird to stand on there alone). but partying places and music performances seemed ok(since me being alone wont be visible since people are dancing etc or watching music performances looked ok,  lets check music performance places yepp.  or maybe since i am wigh 1 hour or 1.5 hour sleep i should go home. yepp. since i felt super sad last day at home, that feels unlikeable thing. so i think i would try to find some concert musical performance. are there english theathres here. that might also be some option i wonder.


ok end of my blog:P as told before. i dont like blogging since its prone to misunderstndngs
how i wish i could find english theathres. I wont understand anything if i go to a local one:D thought that might be kind of funny. :D nope.



oklast day be liked, i first tbhought he resembled me to thge unnice looking bird  and i said what the heck. then i understood he resembles me to insects there. so whilst thinking he likes me, confrponting such thing were quite devastating:P. i hadnt slept any with blogging. ok last day were super super sad day. think someone likes you, then think he uses insects images to show he dislikes you. it were super sad:S i saw a geod there with insects so i think he said insects to me that bugs etc. i do think it happent like that. it were like: 3 minutes ago, you think someone likes you, 3 minutes later, you see he shows his dislike with insects/bugs/spider etc:SSSSSSSS

















yeppp

ok i dont want to think of any sad things:S world has no right to make me feel sad:P i would listen music today then yepp. and dont wangt togo home today since i felt super sad last day there:S would listen music instead:S would spend out time today.



ok but the funny thing is:  the psycho lady that hysterically laughs hysterically laughed today she comes and sats in a cafe that we dont go but thats on our meal walkway. she hysterically laughed and said "she is oguz". ok then oguz is another name:SSSS i really have got a sociopath stalker. i think she came there and laughed hysterically to show make show she is stalking me there and repeated such stalk narratives.  ok dealing with a sociopath woman's stalk who likes to laugh out loud using sociopathic sentences and some are super unnice sentences:S ok i think i would go to police sometime since i do think, she might also not only stalk me but my family maybe? i dont know. i mean i feel as i need to go to a police when a woman stalks me for 3 years in 4 cities. comes to even Berlin this ladyt and sits on a cafe on our meal walkway and laughs out alot and repeats stalk narratives. takes pleasure from those socio sentences she says. i do think, if i have any family, i would scare that this woman might also stalk them. i think as since has been a stalk./socioioathic character creagtion for more than 3 years and such 4 years of stalk, i feel as i need to go to police to ask for help. cause this woman is not any normal mental health:S creates very super unnice sentences, gives me names labels and makes me stalked with such names/characters she creates by other people also. i get stalked by names she creates:S ok this is not any normal. if i had any kid, i would scare this psycho woman would hurt my kid:S i think i need to get help from police:S cause this really is super sociopathic things labels/names i confront:S they are super disturbing.  i think this woman is highly mentally ill (what kind of psycho would come to Berlin to laugh hysterically and shouting out the sociopathy sentence she stalks me with?). I think i would go ask a therapist and ask about behaviors of this woman and maybe therapist might arrange police forces help? i think this woman might even try to hurt my family. she stalks me actually more than 3 years like this with socioipathy. today i reconfronted she taking pleasure from saying sociopathy sentences she creates. she laughed out super loud with such sentences. and also, lots of people stalk me saying names she assigns/creates/labels she assigns/creates. i do think, i should definitely take help of police. i think i would go to a therapist. and would tell about this also. and maybe she helps me figuring out a way to solve this mentally ill woman's stalk.  yepp i would ask help from police here. cause this is not any nromal. this is the 4th city and she takes pleasure of saying sociopathic sentences with laughing out alot/with bursts of laugh. she usually comes to a cafe we dont go, but is in our road map that we usually pass around. i dont scare from her. but what if i have kids in future and she also disturbs my kids like this? or my bf or husband? i dont know. i . mean i do think this woman needs to go treatment or stop doing sociopathy of stalking me in cafes and creating labels/names to me:S i dont any scare nbow. before i would had entered traumatic stress level upon such thing. now i dont scare. but i do think, i need to get police's help. but i do think i would get that help wioth going to a therapist and asking therapist's help ideas on catching this woman stalker whom does sociopathy acts of creating unnice labels/names to me and stalks me in 4 cities like that:S this woman is mentally ill:S she laughed hysterically afgain with bursting out alot and repeated the sociopathic sentence. so oguz is one of the other names she assigns to me? like hande? anyway, even if i dont scare from this psycho woman, i need to fix this with getting some help. i think i would go to a therapist and investigate what could be done. they might had dealt with mentally ill people so they should know the mechanisms to deal with such situations. gosh this woman whom stalks is severely mentally ill:S you should see her pleasure when she says the sociopathic sentence she laughes out loud. today came to that place and laughed out loud with saying such sentences.  It has been the 4th ciuty she is doing this acts to me. constant name/label creation and she gets pleasure from sociopathy she creates. showed that today with laughing out loud in cafe. this happens like this for more than 3 years. i have ogt a sociopath woman stalker:S i think i would try going to police in Berlin to ask for help cause i wonder what kind of citizen services we could get for such situation. but to learn first i would go to therapist to tell rthis thing and ask her advise in police things to catch this sociopath stalker woman and stop her sociopathy acts with police's help so that she cant come to my surrounding to cafes or else. ok i think via therapist help we would catch this mentally ill woman and stop her sociopathy acts like names./labels creation. the labels she creates are very disturbing. one is a bitch role. and even worse things. constantly does this acts of names/labels creation to me. she gets pleasure with stalking me in cafes in surroundings in 4 different citites for more than 3 years. actually has been nearly 4 years i think. i think therapist would help me to catch this maniac socio woman and because i scare, what if i have family and she disturbs my kids ? why not? she disturbs me for 4 years like this. names/labels. i wish Berlin police would catch this mentally  ill woman and that she cant come to surrounding of mine. this woman is taking pleasure from these sociopathy acts against me for 4 years. in 4 cities. i think i gonna get help of Berlin police to catch this socio woman. so that she cant do sociopathy acts against me or any other people.  i think i would get police help to stop this stalker sociopath woman.  so if you ever people wonder how life its to get stalked by a sociopath woman, its like this. constant creates names/labels/things and stalks me like that. and people that helps her also stalks you with names./labels she assigns to you:S she stalks me like this for 4 years. anyway, gonna go to a therapist and ask her ideas on how to deal with this maniac woman's sociopathy. anyway.  luckily i dont scare now. before i scared too much since sociopathy is super scary. now i dont scare but i think i would get help of police to have this woman catched for doing that sociopathy.


ok lets go listen some live music yeppp. i never had such hobby but dont want to go home today:S of cours ewould fgo not super late. but since it were super sad:S ok i would go to some live music performance place.
but i dont think i have any liveliness to go to any place. i thnk i would go to home and also sleep in the subway. yepp.


and i want to apologize as that fashion thing were making fun of me:S sorry:S apologize very much:S and that cute lady's act, i would reply with a cute reply:) in 10 minutes:) i am drawing her a cute reply for such cute act:) and very sorry, i were lackign sleep that day and misunderstood. ok i said, lets draw some clothes then:P or people. smiling etc and turning what i thing to pictorial things now:)
my leave of blogging ends with thanking to the cute lady:) but pictorially :) ok wanted to make me draw some clothes :P (it were my childhood hobby but i never had chance to try learn more in that and so couldnt advanced any.). so thanks to the cute lady with pictures to be drawn in consequent minutes:P right now drawing:)

i am not in cloth design side or would be since i am more interested to cartoon drawings. but i think its a cool thing to do for sure. or just wearing designer clothes of course that is also cool. i am casual person more but as told like fashion industry/its creativity. but as told, i am interested in learning cartoons/would create stories with cartoons. or just white/black drawings etc. since leaving blogging would have more time to hobbies:)
so thanks to that cute lady with pictures:) whilst leaving the blogging. coming first picture in 5 minutes:P yepp remembering clothes drawing memories:) lets try to be somehow creative (though of course cant be any creative like designers for sure:) )
I adored that lady alot:) cant deny:)


adding a dancing lady kind of dancing herself. wish we all be happy like this dancing lady in life :)
ok since i dont have erasers here i couldnt draw something fantastic or clothes i couldnt draw well (i have no eraser here) but i think whilst ending the blog, ending it with this dancing lady:) dancing in the wind or rain dont know:)
my thanks to the cute lady:)

*dont critize so much people, its drawn in 5 minutes:P (i dont have any erasers beside me so i cant draw something better right now)

i know it doesnt look good. but tried to depict a lady doing modern dance activity:S but if i had erasers, would check internet to see some real such dance scene and add. why dance, as told, i like drawing dancing people alot actually. since its aesthethic. dance is a very nice form of art i think. so when i draw people, i like to try to add aesthethics to that with dance:)


ok i see my drawing dancing people got back also. wish to enhance that in future. but for last 5 years i ddnt wanted to do that.  any way ending blogging, more to hobbies/more to life.  end of guhu's presence in internet:) its more time to life. no more blogging:)

thanks for inviting to the rooms cute lady:) i loved you alot:) but this guhu needs to be out of internet (due to fake news thingies:S) but thanks :) i wish you always and me always and all other people be always be happy like this dancing lady:)

(hey blogging means just talking:P guhu would work on hobbies(instead of talking about drawing/would draw:)) and do partying things also:P though i am not a person who buys designer clothes:D and my parties are clubbing:P we are from separat eworlds with the cute lady:) and i like my world etiehr adn wish its not understood as i said any bad things to yours world:)(i think yours world is quite cool:))  hey when i said partuying, i meant clubbing people:) not fashion world's parties:D ) bye good digital world. i be more present in the nondigital world in further years:) all the best/all the good wishes:)

maybe i also start redrawing clothes since i would have more time since i wont blog:P (if i blog i only talk:D and do nothing else:D)  (thougbh my childhood hobby wernt any professional.  and neither were quite succesful. but that were what i liked to do most in my free times mostly:P maybe i retry sometime later? dont know any.)

i get that, i liked to draw clothes when i were a kid were kind fo misunderstood, i tried to mean it were my topmost hobby those years (but ddnt meant i were any good in that either). drawing is something like that, someyears we like to try drawing somethings some years others this year might retry drawing clothes again maybe. i dont know. first want to try drawing comics as i told:) or more dancin people. this time modern dance since i like seeing modern dance alot. and of course fashion is super cool thing.  but when i bliogm, i only talk and do nothing else:D so i shouldnt blog i think,. i should do draw instead of blogging of drawing:D


all the good wishes to all good people all good things all creators all doer people:) whether its phlntrphc things like being a fashion idol like that cute lady. i adored her. i figured out i do nothing more for my hobbies things. i always just blog but do nothign:) time to become more doer. i would draw more:) to learn drawing more and would create comics things. and might contineu the game:)

all thanks to all people who tried to help this maybe autistic guhu:) i really might be kind of aspergers as i figure out:) thank you all from my soul. i thank wiht this picture i share:) wishing all good things all best:) Thank you all:)  (ok when thanking to people, i felt kind of i dont know full of grateful again and a tear falled. cause it makes me emotional to thank people i dont know why:) ) (i discover i might be asperger as i read:P anyway. trying to live like that  and i quite liked its additions to my life by the way thinking:) tge thing is i had no such problem when i were a kid:S i had none such behaviors. so we could develop asperger in further years in afterlife? so it might be related to some brain part as i read from science articles, that is the root cause of autism in later life or ms like thingies as i read. maybe my late life autism is something like that or not. i dont know if i am asperger/autsitic either. but felt as i have aspergers. i first became so sad to figuring out i might had aspergers. but now content with it. and liking addons it added to my life:)  but i dont know if i have that syndrome.  but i think it looks like i mnight have from things i read in internet. )  Thank you all:) more time to hobbies instead of just talking them time:) end of blog:) & thanks to all people who tried to help with saying good things etc:) i cant understand in this situation whom said good whom said bad things. maybe due to asperger i dont know if i am asperger either. but for people who said good things:) thank you from my soul/from all my heart:)  and for all kindness alot thanks:)


(i wish now bloggers dont get as if i said bad things to bloggers:S i ddnt any. bloggers are very awesome and help our lives alot super alot. but i am not born to be a blogger visibly. i think one should do what is talented at. i am not good in writing. i think i am the worst blogger ever:P. )


and couldnt stop drawing another dancing lady:)
but have no chance to draw it good now since dont have tools now. but the held on hand /arm muscles of course needs to be detailed. but no tools right now and but ending the blog with my hobby:)
dancing lady:) its drawn in 5 minutes dont critize it alot people:D i dont know how to draw detailed pictures. but drawing dancing people is super fun as i discovered. since dance is a very beautiful thing:) if had draing tools right now (like paper/eraser/better pen) might drawn better things for sure:) but have no tools beside me. anyway. end of blogging:) from guhu aspie:P (dont know if i am aspie but might be:) )  guhu would be in non digital world in further years:P (since she cant draw when she blogs. hey  people when i blog i do nothing else for real. whilst i am not any good blogger either :D)

ok this aspie wishes happiness to the guy who makes fun of her :P? thios aspie guhu has no idea what he means now again:) but wishing alot happiness:)  bye genius guy:) wishing alot happiness truly :) , take care of yourhappiness alot and wishing all the best to you:) goodbye&this aspie hadnt understood anything really from yours latest post:) other than that you are happy in your family. quite happy for you:)


i never been any doer of anything in my life :) you are honestly super super super cool& take care of your happiness and wish all the best and all good things to you and your family:) ciao:) bye super cool person:) this aspie sends best wishes:) & bye:)




(guhu would dissappear from blogging and would do things instead of blogging which she is not good at:P and being aspie and being in internet doesnt work that much. i figure out i might be really aspie:) anyway:) wish all the best:) all the good:) )



(me / my soul would wander in city. maybe would draw something in a corners of my life:P and would learn drawing better if i would :)  (since i love dancing this much, i think i must go to modern dance course even if i m so bad at it. at least when noone sees, i might do walk with dance:) (even if i would not do any good) but i figure out i have thing for to modern dance things ) since things i want to try to draw likes to dance:P maybe i wont learn any dancing if i am really aspie:P dont know. would try. me and my sould wandering around:) planning things to do like being better in hobbies since without hobbies an aspie wouldtn exist:P we are hobbies we aspies :)  we are alot hobbies:))



soo bye good people:) guhu disappears from internet but focuses in land of her hobbies:) (which i figured out is trying to learn modern dance(if i am an aspie, i might not leafrn. maybe i am little bit aspie or much aspie i dont know. anyway) / drawing more /maybe game.


bye to internet and all people in internet:) guhu gets lost in her hobbies world:) she cant understand internet world (maybe because she is an aspie:) so if i said bad things to internet, it might be because i am an aspie and had problems in fitting to normal people's world(or in summary, i couldnt understand what people say to me) :P   maybe i am not an aspie either. dont know. anyway. i figure out i dont understand most of time when people do say to me. when its internet. i dont any understand what people mean. anyway. bye:) and wishing all the good things& all the best:)


(guhu disappears from here and appears in her hobbies universe:P) bye all nice/kind people:) (and bye to jokes of super cool social media creator genius:) i really cant understand what you mean:). i guess i am an aspie? for not being able to r understand what you mean. anyway. wishing all the best:) bye:) you cant make jokes to this aspie guhu since guhu disappears from this internet thingy but appears in her hobbies universe:P   bye super cool person:) and happy for you being happy with ur marriage & super cool wife. she is also super super super cool like you(i wish i were any cool in life like her:) she looks like super models & doctor. she is super super super cool) . fairwell& bye :) wishign all the best & good of life. bye:)  ) (if you liked me, you know i dont fit to your world. i am not any cool any(i am not any btfl either) and i am quite shy person for such world (i am an aspie most posisbly). and wish all the best:) i like my world to be more lone (in terms of cameras or cool events thingies)/more silent:P if you were an aspie, you would understand this:).  and wishing best of life years:) all the good/all the best of life years:) bye:) ) (ok being an aspie, i also ddnt understood whether you like me or not. but anyway:) bye and wishing all the best /all happy years in life:) )


(guhu dissappears from this internet thingy:) )



ok today i found out nice music places. i recently came home. aha may i still blog when  i am kind of drunk:D i ask to myself.

i  read nice articles while drinking, figured out drinking only impacts my walking capability:D but i can follow up fastly articles. i read many articles as i were alone:P but some sentences were really funny in articles:P  music were very nice. but returning my phone charge went off so i came back by taxi but figured out it were a nice choice since dont know if there is bus in place i live. and i liked a lot an artist's article about being slow and i felt awe many times readng:) i liked to see an artist's(a lady) words on being slow/it were maybe 5 pages like blog.  i read many amazing and also kind of funny articles when i were drunk and it were super fun. because when you are drunk you smile alot and the articles were really fun.


ok i laughed alot to the funny sentences in articles. but there were many.
it felt super nice to listen to live music. i felt as if i am inside a very big city. and i found my music listening place. wov that place is amazing the live music is awesome. but felt kind of alone also since everyone ther ewere a group of people.

the shoes i like to wear has became too wide i think i would buy new shoes cause i felt like am struggling to walk due to shoes and also my trousers were large so i felt like uncomforting situation while i were walking as if my trousers is falling or my shoes is gonna, i dont know it just felt super weird, i am buying some shoes this weekend then.

ok i felt super alone listening music alone. so would try to find expat communities here(since i am an expat) so i go listen music with friends. but the music were awesome.


i think  my takes on going outside to get slightly drunk/listen nice music :
music were awesome.i observed i smile much more than normal life time when i am drunk:D i smiled alot since the articles were really funny/fun.
ok but even if i felt like a cotton floating in air due to super nice music(and since hadnt gone out for a long time),  felt kind of alone. need friends.


ok setting up funny targets since i see living life needs to be more active.  i see i have funny plans.  like modern dance trails:P if i am aspie, i wont be able to learn. but would try. since i like dancing figures, i  figure out i might try. to atleast for sports at least. i think i need to add some activities in to life since i need to build some social cycle here.it would be super funny to fail in dancing:D so that might be fun due to that:P  i would most possibly fail. lets see. but it would definitely funny to try to learn modern dance. i think to increase my communication skills i might go to a drama course also (for using my voice better since my voice is so shitty, i dont use my voice any good either,)


ok meanwhile trying to decrypt the things said to me:) its either sarcastic words or really a message. i thought in that he meant that he were single but he returned to his significant one. i dont know whats exactly meant but i figured out such thing. so i replied according to that information. his significant one is 100000000000x more btfl than me. i am not even any betfl. so, not talking about this topic since he is not any single. as only things could existed if he were single.  i dnt any know if he liked me either. but cld only existed if he were single. yepp. since i understand he is not any snigle, no more talking of this topic. since learnt that he is not any single.


hmm getting interested to some impossible person (who has some significant one tht is 10000000000000000x mre btfl than me an dddnt knw if were sngle or not and of course there wrnt anyn possblty if he isnt single.) and then trying to get over is weird/kind of hard. want to find someone who holds my hands:P i want to be in love/be loved back:). i wnt to feel pure love like  being cared :)  yeppp. dnt know if i could find. wld try:P

ok i think it were kind of hard to me since i ddnt knew if he  were singnle or not. and of course it wernt any possible if he wernt single. and it were hard since his signfcnt other is super  btfl (10000000000000000000x more btfl than me) and had no idea whthr is single or not either. so were kind of hard topic to me that were to trying to understand whts going on. anyway happy for him, he has a super cool significant other by the way. it were kind of hard period to me, since i ddnt liked if he liked me or not nor whether if he single or not either.  so it were really hard.getting interested to someone but not even knowing if he is single or not and also his possible signifcant other is 1000000000000000000000000000000x cooler/more betfl than me. so it were really hard. not knowing whether is single or else.  and being interested at the same time. but not kwnoing whether he were single or not. were kind of hard period for since i had no idea of whats going on in his side and because also, hsi significant other is 1000000000000000000000x more btfl than me. (she looks like those super models, super btfl person). and i ddnt know if he is single or not. nor we ever talked ever once. so it were a littl bit hard period for me. for to get interested to someone but dont knowing whthr he is single or not since we ddnt ever talked even for once. so were a strange period:)


ok truth is i also want someone who loves me as i figure out. since the idea of being loved feeled quite happy/nice. since i think love is the meaning. of things.  comes before things. i also wnt such happy marriage with love that binds like that. ::) i figured out i have such plans since i felt lonely today and felt relationships looks quite nice thing to be inside. and thankful for that. since he made me remembered how a cute cncpt relationship topic is. i forgot compltly and got lsot in material things of world for a long while. he shwng intrst i dnt knwn if he shwn either but felt as reltnsps are good things. cause i cnt lie it felt good tht being even possibly being loved feelign:) so i have decisions of finding my own significant other one. before i said i could live alone. but after feeling how love should feel, i think being alone is irreasonable state of life. unless mandatory. deep love. i think i would search for this relationship type. seeing how cute it is. as told, to me relationships wer ekind of shallow topic. but seen its actually a cute topic. and whilst we had no any relationship,(we never even talked once) i dont know how, he made me felt how a deep relationship would feel.  so i am back in believing in love:) but this time for deep relationships. since deep relationships looks quite cute:) i dnt know how but he made me believe in love again:) before my love were like obsesssions. but i dnt know after this weird cmmnctn, i restarted believing in love:) & deep relationships. i dont know how. i were a complete out of context for marriage like topics. but i dnt know how i even think of such topics now. since i saw how relationships sohuld be. meant to be. so this is my take away from this cmmnctn thing, i restarted believing in love. i lost that. before. the thing i called love were obsession like thingies. but i restarted believing in love. i think only needed is to see someone deep. when we ar eall shallow. seeing someone deep turns us to also like, wov, being deep looks cute. wov i restarted believing in marriage/love topics etc. i were like, my hobbies are my best friends. now i entered a mood like:maybe beign a couple with someone thats deeply tied is something very btfl in life.  i were like, i ddnt blvd that mch in lvoe, and confused obssn with love. but i figure out see that love is smthng other and is a cute thing. similarly marriage cncpt also. so people who forgot wht love means, my previous version, i confused love with obsession and  just seeing someone deep is enough to remember tht love is a dffrnt thing and marriage could be a good thing actlly. i figured out, i cmpltely frgt the meaning of love but reremembered:) maybe  i jst bfre seen only people couples not really liking each other thingies so that i lost my belief to marriage things. or love were just like obsession like things to me. my takeaway from this is, love exists and is not obsession. and marriages are nice things:) so getting in affection to someone tht i dont know if he likes me or not were weird. but his deepness made me remember what love means. beofre i really forgot. before love to me were just obsession. or i ddnt believed in marriages.it all looked procedural to me. i figure out i forgot the meaning of love? and confused it obsession for many years.but figured out love really exists and it is not obsession. its kind of ties.  its like soulmates things. i were like, oh come on soulmates dont exist. or such perosn i were. that forgot meaning of love. and confused it with obsession.  but remembered what love is. /how relationships should be etc. i think i forgot love since i hadnt confronted a deep person that also likes me for 4 years and forgot love and confused obsession with love alot uusually.
i dont know why but i restarted believing in love:P that a person shouldnt live alone if not have to. and i shouldnt. before it were like, i can live forever alone, it doesnt matter. now after seeing a deep person in internet, it made me shown how love shld be (it shldnt be an obsssn or else) and if you find someone tht you love each other, its much more better than living alone. before it were like, i could live to forever alone and i dont care.  i figured out my such ideas were because i forgot meaning of love or how love shld be (before). (now i remembered).we ddnt have anyn relationship either. its just, seeing someone deep made me remember what love is.:) cause to me, from outside, relationships all look kind of shallow before. now i changed. i wish i also find someone who loves me deep:) i might not find either. but my takeaway from this is rebelieving in love. i figure out i forgot relationships:D  and forgot how love should be. for a long time in life maybe 4 years. but seen people actually care each other. to me, all relationships looked like, noone really cares each other. i lost belif in love. and to me love were kind of obsession only. i wish i also find my soulmate in future. he already has and wish all the best of life years to them. hmm this incidents, made me remember what love is:) i figured out i were confusing obsession with love. and even slightly passing wandering around love topic (though hadnt had any relationship nor ever talked ever) even thinking about possibilitieswhen other side is deep, made me remembered that love should be like this. i think i shouold find someone deep like him who likes me. he already has a soulmate and i wish the best to them:). ok my takeaway from this is i remembered how love should be. its not obsession that my previous in love topics were obsession. previous relationships, those people were deep also but not to me:)  and i confused obsession with love. but in this last, we never ever talked, but i just felt how love should be. so hmm take away. next guy woould try to find someone who deeply cares about me. hmm so love exists. i forgot that love exists but remembered it exists. hmm though it might not be easy to find :D but it exists. i mean yeah my key takeaway from these things is love exists and should be like this:) that i shouldnt obsess to people whom dnt like me or like me little but i should like people who like me, people who could when needed deeply care for me. cause i figure out before i confused love with obsesssion. i think i never had any relationshop wth anyone that deeply cared me for many years. so i figure out i forgot the meaning of love/relationships awhile. but in this things, seeing a deep person, that we ddnt ever talked ever,  make me remembered such topics and that i should find someone that is deep that deeply cares about me. not anyonee who doesnt any care or little care. i figured out, relationships should be deep. this is my takeaways and thanking for that. even if we had never talked nor ever had a relationship. has fixed my  love defintiion from obsession to what love should be. this incidents.


my view on some topics also rechanged. like reading that articles made me see how much there is more to learn in life.  i recent times, figured out there is lots of things to learn/relearn in life/to change perspectives of in my life. living in rigid mind states is not good(i usually lived like that). so would try to do something i from outside look have noe experience of (would go enter modern dance) . like reading those articles which meant slowness is actually ok. i figure out   i know nothing in life and need to enter life/read/learn/experience alot. i figure out i know nothing from life. and have lots of things to learn. to develop in. my mom always warned me to not be rigid minded. i many times refigure out i am usually rigid minded. but this incident, that changed my view to love, showed me there are lots of things to learn/relearn in life like that articles i read today (blogs ),  or whether its what love is. i mean i am usually arrogant around my silly ideas, but whilst i hadnt listeed my mom's advise, this incident showed my how rigid my brain is and how many things i should learn that i think i know but actually know wrongly. like my shallow love definition before(i confused obsession with love) and learnt now that love should be a deep topic. should find someone that deeply likes me. no shallow relations anymore where i am obsesssed but the remote side doesnt care me alot. i should be in relationship where remote side actually cares me. or once i had relationship in which we dnt cared each other. i always had that shallow relationships before. so this is one thing i learnt. if there is a relationship it should sbe deep. cause thats what actually love is.  so the next person (this person already has a soulmate and she is like super models/super beatfl.  he is not single ) would be tried to be found out similarly deep(means deeply cares) next time if ever couold find such person in future. cause thats how relationships should be as i learnt now.



i reviewed my getting affection/in love like thingies from last to past;

hmm last one: he were impossible:D (cause he is not single) ok i liked him but i knew everytime that this were impossible. so were kind of impossible thing but couldnt stop falling in affection to either. but were impossible and i knew that since he were not single. and also his significant other  is like super models/super btfl/looks like actrists. were dfntly impossible.

before one: obsession. he ddnt love me but i were obsessed.

before one: we some how messed up. i think we could have been a cute couple. i think this were the most plausible one. he were single and liking me. but somehow we messed up.

before one: we didnt loved each other and we knew that so we parted soon.

before one: obsessed to someone:P couldnt forget for a while

beofre one: i were stupid, he werent quite right persn but i were young & stupid and he were defntly not for me.

before one:  he ddnt loved me but i were too stupid to understand kind of. we were just friends or alike

before one: first love, obsessed:P and getting obsessed is stupid act i would never repeat:S


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ok for new one: i wish i succeed to find happiness in new one:) since never found happiness in relationships topics.  ok how he should be: i figured out type i like to fall in love to. . hmm could be either scientist or techie or artist.and mandatory thing is to love me so bad. for that i would try to lose more weight. maybe buy contact lenses to look different. have longer hair. be extra thin etc. but the thing he should have is as i understood what matters most is: he should love me super bad. cause thats the most important ingredient in relationships as i figure out. before i could just fall in love whilst other side doesnt love me:SSS and just spend my life time unnecessarily like that.

cause i newly understood love is what matters most.  and being a couple/marriage like things are super cute things. i were before, like, i have hobbies i dont need anyone. now i am like: wov i think marriage/couple thingy is the cutest thing in life:)

i want to live through the state of holding someone's hand together and walking together and feeling loved/love/care.
i remembered what love is:) what love should be:P (visibly i am not good in relationships topics. but in next one i wish i find such relationships like that)


hmm next guy to like: he could be an artist(e.g. sculpturere)/techie or scientist.

hmm mandatory condition: should hold my hands when i need and be in love to me.





and i definitely after seeing cute marriages of people of my ages (usually never seen super happy marriages from my age group. ) i wanted to have such thing in life also since it looks cute state of life:)  befor eit looked to me as if everyone marries for to only get married. now i change dmy mind in that. marriages are actually  cute things. i before, had in my mind's compartments, labelled marriage as an uncool thing. but confirmed its super cool thing actually. i dont know why i labelled marriage as uncool either. maybe peter pan syndrome? dont know. but it were something that looked uncool or uninteresting state of life to me before. now i also want to have a family :)
as it looked super cute state of life:) and definitely looks super cool:) before i labelled marriage as something uncool in my mind but defintiely changing that label from uncool to super cool.

i think the sentence of all we need (the most in life) is love is definitely true:) i mean to be loved.


ok life is weird. one day you are like peter pan (that never think marriage is something that is so procedural so stealing love concept etc so normative so something uninteresting) and today i think marriage is super cute:) i do understand hobbies cant replace love:) and walking the life with holding someone other's hand that loves me matters more than hobbies. and i dot hink a life lived lone is kind of unnecessary.  holding someone's hand in the life's path and having kids looks super cute things to try out. since i see love really exists. and is very important. i remembered love. what love is.

if someone exists we could travel Europe together and cuold hold my hand. and we could setup a family. all looks cute ideas to try. since i remembered what love is. for 4 years or alike,  i forgot. hobbies became my thing my best friend and confused obsesssion with love sometimes. but love is marriage, having kids etc. that is true love :)

happy for myself since i remembered what love is. and put back marrigae from uncool compartment of my brain to cool part :) and wish i could in future find someone who likes me:P   might not either. but my mom always said me "come one find someone and be a couple. " at every phone call. i always said bla bla bla bla and changed the topic. but as seeing what love is, i do concluded that really ebfore its too late, i need to try that happy thing named marriage. and have kids. cause it looks as a super happy &cool concept now to me. but of course dont know from where i would find someone:D tinder? hmm i dont like such things:P hmm anyway from  events maybe i find someone whoknows or i mgith be forever alone ;D that might also happen.:D 


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ok so lets end the blog at least with a changed mindset:) that i also be like others who sets such goals like seting up a family. cause i think love matters the most in life i think. even if it s aromanticitation of our human cultural things. but its cool/looks quite happy thing. so i wish i  construct some family in future since looked super cute to be in such state.

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bye blog. what i would do in life: hmm as told trying to find someone who loves me and is single, hobbies, games, etc. but shouldnt leave out marriage/relationship thingies from life since i figured out when i were out last night, i figured out holding hands might be better to someone whom loves me amd we travel together etc. and yepp.  end of silly blog. this guhu stops this blog full of weird words.  ok me stopping blogigng is good since i  mnot any good blogger.


bye blog. bye people. guhu exists in non digital life now:) no uninteresting blogs of guhu you people would confront. i wont blog. tasks to do lots tasks exist: like renting my silly flat. yayyy mom and dad would help in renting and i would pay back later(actually they dont care if i dnt payback).  they wanted me to rent before home owners(relatives) come for thinking i wont be super comfortable. ok lets find homes today. i forgot my pin code for my TR phone line but need it to do bankign operations. need to find a vodafone shop. lets check. hadnt washed my hair for 3 or 4 days. and it looks shitty. lets wash. hmm   ther eis fun task of renting a home:) at least some fun in life:) i think renting a home is definitely fun:)  since i would rent all inside type of flat a tiny flat. and quite suits to starting new life without blog as moving to a new flat. i would design my life again without blog.

ok things to add to life. drawing comics. game (never ending game:) ubt as reading the article of the artist lady last night whihc made me smiled alot  i think thats also one way of creating things:) sometimes. not all times:)) trying the very risky modern dance hobby. risky since i have no talent at all. so hall of shame for failing in that is maybe guaranteed:D since i like to try to draw dancing people as i observe, i should try out even if hall  of shame  is guarantee in my dancing trial:D just to add fun. so that as i told, in street sometimes i want to walking with dancing when i am happy i dont know. hey this is common in art related people. i had a lady friend whom did sculpturing/drawing and she did danced whilst we are in upper ceiling of buildign to have fresh air. it looks super nice to instantaenously start dancing. or parkur like sports i mean some kind of dynamism to city life:)i think i wnt be able to do parkur, but when noone is around, in an emptry street, if i learn to dance, i might dance /walk with dance. :D this is one silly goal i had long dreamed of. being able to dance. and just dancing in street (in an empty street for sure:D) though i know the possibilities are super low. but as told 2 years ago or else, i sometimes want to dance in street (if empty ) (dont look as if we are weird for having such goals. that lady friend whom drawed also wanted to dance instantaenously at times. so this might be some common pattern in people who like to draw, that we are interested to dance. for years things i drew were interested to. now would try and fail:P since i dnt expect to be able to learn but even trying must be fun.  maybe eevryone once a while wants to dance when streets are empty. i hve such thing. when a street is empty, i feel like wish i knew dancing since i would had done now as i observed last year etc. i am not quite happy right now but i think that hobby would be fun:)  and also would try to find a bf/husband thingies since i figured out being loved is a happy thing i should have that in my life:) having kids for instance i also want now. it before looked scary now it looks cool. i want a family like my age people. everyone has cute families. why dont i:)  shld find some bf/husband and add being loved to life and also having kids things. yepp. bf would be either artist or techie or scientist.   )
bye blog:P


ok peter pan syndrome we use in our daily talks for people who never marries. i mean people who run away from usual flow of life like marriage etc. i reading about it, seeing they sy Adolf Htlr was an archetype to that syndrome, i reverted saying Peter Pan sydnrome to myself for not wanting to get married before. it were only i saw people using that word to people who dont marry. now reading about it, i revert using such syndrome in blog. i only ddnt got interested to marriage things but not any hold any of those things of that syndrome as i read about it now.  so lessons learnt: never over use sydnromes calling them to yourself. incase that syndrome might be not good. i saw a person where her therapist called her peter pan syndrome since she ddnt wanted to take responsibility of getting married. whilst i weret wanting to marry ever in life, thats why i asked whether i have such thing. ok, lessons learnt, never use a syndrome name withoout reading about it. i just heard about that syndrome from a woman whom ddint liked marriage. i wondered whether i have such situation since i also had no marriage plans in life before. but reading about the sydnrome, i revert back what i said in that. ok lessons learnt, dont call ur self every syndrome you heard about. i actually reading about it think defintely i dont hold such syndrome. and specifically seeing Adolf had that sydnrome, i definitely revert such query in my blog. its just i heard from a lady, her therapist called her peter pan since she werent into marriage topics (she liked to date but never accepted long term relationships. she liked short term relationships. i am not like that either. but marriage has been kind of were before in uninteresting/uncool things in my life, now i se ei am quite wrong about it. )  ok lessons learnt, dont ask your self whether you have every syndrome you heard about. i just thought everyone who scared of marriage topic has peter pan sydnrome. but seeing Hitler had such syndrome, i revert back such example. and lessons learnt, dont ask syndromes you dont know about to your self. lesosns learnt: dont be ignorant. before wondering whether you have any syndrome, just read about it before. i thought peter pan sydnrome is called to people who dont marry since who scares of responsibility of marrige( who scares of responsibilities).   i thoought peter pan syndrome were something like that. since that lady told it like that. now reading about it, i definitely think i dont have such syndrome, seeing Adolf Hitler also had it:SSSSSSSSSS lessons learnt: dont use syndrome names you dont know about in your blog. i truely had no idea what it were about. ok marriage has been scary thing to me before(since i always saw as if its like a symbolic interactionist thing/a procedure like thing/that undervalues love like putting some culture around it and i didnt liked that marriage culture related things also. i were just post cultural in that. ), but i never ran away from responsibilities ni life. not any little bit peter pain syndrome. ok lessons learnt: dont mention syndromes you have no idea about in your blog. i wont be any ignorant guhu and would never mention syndromes i have no idea about next time:)  next time guhu would google any syndrome before she tries to talk about. i thought that syndrome is called to people who scare of marriage topics. ok this is why i shouldnt blog:D since i can use a syndrome name with only hearing from another person but without googling it. this is not how blogs are to be written. and next time i would google every syndrome name.















for marriage topics: ok i think some people ar ealso like me that they start thinking of marriage after 36 right? i am not the only one who started thnkng of marriage only after 36. ok i know lots of  people actually who never marry. to me, it were like, i dont know why, maybe because of one relation that lacked love, i got as told, got cold to relationships. its because i had a bad relationship that lacked love 4 or such years ago(i wrnt married). then in further ones, i also hadnt confronted great love. so i thought people marry just to marry. but figured out i am wrong. marriage is a cool good thing.  in that relations hip4  years ago, neither guy or me loved each other. and i felt like i got negative view to relationships after that. or forgot the meaning of love. i mean it felt to me, as if love doesnt exist alot . i mean it felt to me as if all relationships would be shallow. i figured out i am wrong. i were definitely wrong. so the bad label compartmentalization to msrriuage topics  i fixed that. now i also like to marry like other people:) before, due to that reelationship i infer(4 years ago) i infer i got negative view to relationships since it were like ther ewere no love and i thought as if every relationship would be like that.
 but i newly refigured out i am wrong. then 3 years ago i had another dating like thing. in that i finded it nice to date. but we messed up that i dont know why. anyway relationships topics are weird. but happy to figureout i labelled marrigae as a cool thing in my brain and i also would like to marry like other people. i think love exists and is very important. i think its the most important thing in relationships.i mean being inlove things. before, i could accept a relationship where the remote doesnt love me alot. if i were in love that we



ok today gonna again go outside to listen music:P  since liked alot. it were awesome music. but this time without big bagpacks that were hard to carry. ok the music performances i saw were awesome.



ok i went outside to listen jazz again. it were amazing music again. whilst returning, i heard some name be shouted in far side of the road and but due to being shy person and for incasee if its a stranger i couldnt check if is really that name. i am really super shy perosn in such  instants. a person shouted some ssentence. but i am super shy and had no chance to check for incase if its a stranger.


by the way that jazz music place is awesomee! its under train station and awesome jazz music plays. i went there like 8pm and stayed listened music.

its super awesome i think that music place. constant every weekday jazz concert. its super. i just found out that place by chance whilst walking to train station.its really a super place and its logo resembles alot red hat operating system's logo really. it opdnx at 8pm. i hadnt gone out for entire last year. it feels suepr good:) and i liked that district alot, at 2am  everywhere is open, i drank coffee at McDonalts at 2am and everywher eis open and i even had eaten a slice of pizza (were delicious) outside. it were fun to use sbahn at 2am to return home, thouhg local bus loop hadnt existed(some buses exist but bus to here doesnt exist) so that itook taxi. there werealso jazz concerts in istanbul but never had attended before. and attneding live performance of jazz first time, i would go alot.


guhu's sleep time:)


ok last day were super super fun. since i went to listen music on both friday and saturday it feels like this weekend were like 3 differnt days not 2 days:) it feels like as if its monday but its actually sunday:)

and i quite liked the city's that district which is not far away from mine. its like its 2am but its like 2pm. everyone is outside. public transportation systems they are all like its 2pm whilst its 2am. the cafes pizza shops it were all open and it were nice to walk around and eat some pizza slice.

ok i figured out i wont stop blogging:P snce it feels fun:) but i felt like it is a very nice district that i tell about. and that jazz cafe is awesome!!!!!!!!!!

it feels like as if this weekend were 3 ddays! so going outside on fridays is a thing to do:) makes feels like weekend is actually 3 days!


soo todays plan: cleansing the house since it got unclean then coding then drawing. yeppp.
then investigating flats. then investigating modern dance courses (which i would fail epicly i know it but as told failure is also fun:) i when doing that extreme sport of climbing kind of sport but its like hmm this one this different type of climbing sport: https://beachmitte.de/locations/mountmitte/
in this one, i think i never ever laughed that much in my life cause many times i epicly failed:D we went to laugh crisis with cousin:D since i mean walking on ropes hanging woods, sometimes you walk on a wrong one and cousin enters laughing crisis and says you shouldnt do that like that and shows the correct way, i think i mean really failure is also fun:) i saw that in that mount mitte like sport:) it were super fun:) this climbing sport is super fun but i only this version of climbing. that is artificial climbing place. i am not super interested to mountainside climbing, but that might change in future. actually that instance were my first try in climbing and i think i would go to these artificial climbing places also since i think its fun:) ok i think modern dance goal is the most infeasible goal i set in my life:) but lets try:) maybe i learn.  who knows. if i try super hard. cause i reeally sometimes, even if there is no music around, when a street is empty, when its night, i want to do parkur or dance modern dance like things. it really feels like there is music inside that scene that calls to dance:) i like city scenes. and i want to dance. but i have 0 talent. so at least lets try to learn. i know i would fail. but lets try at least. cause then this guhu next time she wants to dance (do some modern dance) in an emptry street, she might be able to do that if she learns it:)


:S cleansing the home newly finished. i did cooked meal to me awhile in mid. and but for sure i would rent a tiny flat since i hate cleansing home thing.
oh the meal i cooked ddnt turned out super delicious. but mediocre level delicious. ok need to fix this overweight issue, i figured out i am 65kg:S so have 10kgs to lose to return to original self version. anyway trying to eat healthily. wish i progress in losing weight. seems as visually i felt progress.
 i dditn did too much things but dont know why cleansing home took this much time. i hate cleansing home. my new flat would be super tiny. its just so unreasonable effort this cleansing home thing:S


yayyyy game coding time. oh i am super much awed at this city after i discovered jazz bar. it were awesome. i liked alot. found my hanging around places for to listen music. definitely jazz bar. it were so awesome. i before sometimes very rately tried to listen Miles Davis or such tracks. but never had   listened jazz perfomrance before in a place and it were super awesome.ok this weekend due to that music listening thing, felt like as if its a 3 days weekend not 2 days. figured out i did nothing in my previous weekends. now it really felt like a weekend as i discovered places. (i ddnt went outside for entire year last year, so i cant define how good it feels to hangaround in outside:))  i liked the district i discovered alot. its still populated alot at 2am. perfect place to hangaround in weekends:) its like i dont know its just a so fun place looks. music/cafes etc. i think getting drunk + live jazz is an awesome combination:) i think i would repeat alot and discover all live jazz performances in city that arent super far away from where i live. my parnets were super funny. i shared them music i listened.  then they constantly sent me funny messages in messaging program so i laughed out to their cute comments like: ddi you went home? are you sure you arent super drunk? please go home! ok even when you are 36, you hear such cute sent4ences:) i would take them to that jazz club i shared music and they liked:) their comments were super funny that i lost to laughes (i eman listening music in a bar or club (its a jazz bar) and parents sends messages like " go home!  " how much level are you drunk? " "are you sure you arent super drunk " :DDDDDDD i were lost in to laughs since i am 36 and 37 if we calculated years some tradition. so i mean even if you are  such old like guhu, you would still receive things 2000kms away parents like "are you sure you went home? " :)   i had to tell lie like i went home since i saw they  ddnt liked me being outside at such hours. but actually returned home at maybe 2am or 3am:D :) it were so awesome at 2am there, all places open, everywhere is full of people. it were super nice since it were like 2pm but maybe more populated than 2pm. it were super fun:) found my perfect hanging around/friday night place. maybe i would discover other places also. its the first place i discovered and its awesome:)



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ok game coding time:)
some work time:) (game coding work thingies)


my forsure i would fail type of goal i set:) (worse than never ending game building effort, i expect lesser chances of success in below goal)
https://www.thecenter-berlin.de/en/dance-ballet-classes

yayyyyyyyyy i like art topics and specifically dance sooo much:) i might not learn any but would try :)

but if i learn, when the city sings a song to me, that inside my heart i want to dance with the city, i could, if i could learn.

maybe we would create a dance group like night dancers that pops up in an empty street and dance with street with my future dancer colleagues:)
since this streets/these artificial composition of architects, it looks as fun to dance in them? :) there is such a calling to me:P that when i see human's such nice constructs like streets/buildings whatever style, the styles i like, i want to dance:) though it is an infeasible goal most possibly. would try:)

so if your soul is calling you to dance, or to try to learn it, you should.

dancing with architecture. the topic. arent cities beautiful. yes they are. the unified view, that is not as nature, but the plastic feeling of the cement, the plastic feeling of the styles we walked inside,  the artificial feeling of it, and the stereoscopic or multiple dimensions of feeling of walking inside the architectural styles,  arent cities kind of big sculptures that depict humanity's development also? the perceptions of walking inside a street, is not it 3d,  the flows of images flowing through our lens and creating signals in our brain,  that 3d information flows of the 3d city, dont any body else want to dance inside those flows? i do, but after learning how to dance (infeasible goal:D i think i might never learn it, but would try cause dont you feel the 3d feeling while you walk inside a city? dont you want to dance inside that perception? feeling? our 3d perception,  and 3d cities, it is just, cities are just not to walk by, we could dance inside that 3d feeling:)  maybe there is some whirlpool there thats slowly moving, like dark matter, what we see has a counterpart but shaped by the visible part, when there is an emptiness in the 3d sculpture of street, is it of something static? i dont think so:P its shaped by existing surroundings, but the informationn flow and like the existence of dark matter, the empty areas inside cities have a dynamic thing, just being inside it, some might want to cherish it with dancing :)  ok has anyone else feels like this when walking inside the cities, that you are feeling the volume/ of cityscape with your brain? the 3d feeling i mean, this big cities, the humanity's nice development for to give background to civilizations,  arent they like big sculptures? if you feel them with your brain? so when you feel a street 3d you might want to dance to cherish that beauty.


ok weirdo sentences from weirdo guhu.
but this 3d sense of our brains, lets call it 6th sense or 7th sense since 6th sense is time,do people i wonder feel like this their 7th sense works like this? in cities? walking in streets? do they feel the street's existence with their brain like sensations of the 3d things they see? i think everyone must be like this. but every different street has different sensation in me. some types creates phobia(maybe some ancestors related circuitory, like thinking some configuration of some 3d structure is risky like some street type. circuitory coming from 40k years ago is it i wonder?:D i mean cave man software, is that that, that some type of 3d places creates kind of distress. ) some i like to dance in :) (if i could learn to dance:) thats an infeasible goal:) but would try:)) 

cities are beautiful.  whatever humanity crafted is beautiful.


while people like to dance with people, weirdos like to dance with city named sculptures :D (sculptures of architects/city planners:)) guhu the weirdo:P

but i dont take city feeling as a constant thing that is static, physically it might be static(is it? only with reference frame of turning around and around world. but with reference frames of other coordinate systems, is what we call stationary is really stationary?), but when you walk inside a street, relativity makes city moves backward, so whenever you move, the city also moves with you. that 3d feeling also moves in reverse of whatver you do. so it would be super fun to dance in that 3d perception if could learn to dance:) (i know i wont be able to, but would try super hard. since i want to dance with the city:P not kidding:) (ok this must made people sure i am a weirdo:D ) dancing with a big sculpture of city planners:) next hobby goal:) (in world where guhu's hobby goals iterate super slowly (though i am not any ashamed of my slow speed after i read the very beautiful artcile of an artist lady) wondering which goals she could establish before she reaches 90:D game gets developed in 20 years:D dancing be learnt in 30 years? :D i wonder in how manyn years i would be able to establish hobbies:D)  ok i would try to learn ballee and modern dance. but need to get thin. and setup a dance colleagues who do ballee in city in night :) it would be super fun:) (though not feasible if i learn dancing in 20 or 30 years:D lets see:D would try :) ) 
)

ok one target were creating a machine learning group and create funny ml projects(like changing metal song's lyrics in runtime to nicer lyrics, i mean with no purpose but just funny projects). but this target of creating a dance group and do ballee in city looked much fun right now:P  dancing with city :) next hobby goal :P (most possibly an unfeasaible goal. lets see:) would go to a ballee dance place and would get thin:))

but i have ml friends now maybe that hobby also is feasible:) i have at least 3 ml side friends from company:) might ask them such thing. but i do think they might not have time to do attend.


either i have 90 iq or 140 iq i dont know it could be really 90 i think,  but i have really weirdo hobbies:) life is fun when you have weirdo hobbies:) but i wish i were lesser slow in creating products of hobbies like game thingy :)


i like this little bit autistic brain gives to me, learning everything easily. and having weird hobbies as a result. but establishing products super slowly on the other hand:)  but i like being a polymath super much :)  i am not genius not talented in any of area, so might not call myself any polymath. since polymaths are also experts. but i am a slght polymath then:)

  i have in workplace an ML friedn (a Russian lady) and a very super active ML colleague but i dont think they might be interested tin such weird projects. dont know. hmm my lady friend is expert in NLP might be interested in songs analysis.  ok but that seems even uninteresting to me. i dont think this hobby looks any interesting. (creating an ml group that creates funnyn projects) nope its not an interesting idea:) ballee group that does ballee in night in city looks much more fun:) to try out:) if i could learn dance in 20 years:) would see:) setting up very hard goals is super fun:D  but i follow steps of my university times' math teacher. he were once another job doer then became a math teacher in university then went to be a student in art school to learn to be a film director. so there is no need to set limits. limits are i dont know bias of human mind? like generalization topic. setting limits to things. like you are a coder you have to be do coding in all yourrs life as your main job. is there a continuum like bias of human mind? that math teacher showed me there is not:) i do think as automation creates more time to humans to try out lots of things, you dont have to be succesful in things either, thinking success is a mandatory thing/excelling is mandatory is also kind of redundant idea due to what automation brings to us, more time:) so we coould try to learn anything we want and without being the topmost talent. we dont have to canalize to our own talents, we could try out inifinitely many combinations of talents. who said automation is a bad thing:)     failure is also fun:)  humans have created concepts like success, but its a concept humans created:) lets not forget that:)
its a  meme if we said in memetics language, could we labelled success/failure concept as a meme? i think so. since it plays out important role in culture.  but in future, where automatization gets stronger, would this meme play this much strongly in culture? i dont think so. but i might be wrong also.  like our brains has plasticity, the culture has similar plasticity. it changes/shapes form. wondering about this success/failure meme in timeline. of future years.  future people(maybe 2100s), would they have success/failure concept? they might really not have. if only i had a chance to go to 2100s and look how culture is now and then? then would say here surely. but its a dynamical system and we know that dynamical systems might be either stable or unstable and hadnt analyzed culture machine along its stability dimension ever. i guess people analyze these things as i heard such projects. but wondered how 2100s would be really:) what kind of cultures they would have :)
i read a very funny article about world's state on its physical properties of 2100s. it were really super nice and funny article. what i wonder is how culture would be like in 2100s after mentioning this topic ltitle bit in blog?

i want to share the link of that 2100s article. it had a  really super funny language i laughed out loud. couldnt found.
aha i found:
https://onezero.medium.com/the-5-best-places-to-live-in-2100-e4c360ce3a27
this is super funny:D  i bet you people also got lost to laughes in reading this:)

but i wonder the culture, how culture would be in 2100s? :)

ok new wonder area, eigen values of cultural evolution. is it stable or does it have eigenvectors? how could we model cultural evolution. (lets add to the hobbies stack to finish analysis in next 30 years:D since my hobby projects never gets established as i observe:S i wish i change that sometime and finish at least one hobby project:) )



yeyyy puzzles word ?:)






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by the way, this guhu is staring at some things :P  (this ugly guhu wouldnt understand anything from this life :P) ok :)

ok are u trying to do tinder thing for guhu :D ok but i can find myself:D and sorry but my type is not Asian:P i like more European looks:D i can find my significant other my own:P thanks :D you dont need to do tinder task to me:D
i think i mgiht try to find out someone from art community here:P. i wish Asian people wont hate me but my type is not Asian. i like more European or Turkish or such looks. You dont need to do tindering to me:D  maybe from dance course or some other course, i might find or might not be able to and be alone. but my type is not Asian(not interested to such looks) and thanks for trying to do tindering to this ugly guhu  XD
(hey i am 100% hetero, dont want to be tagged gay for saying: i think Asian woman are very beautiful usually but i dont think same for Asian men. my type is more European or Turkish looking like people. I am not interested to Asian men :D (nor woman for sure:D) what kind of thing are you doing:D are you trying to do tindering to ugly guhu:D ok guhu can handle that finding someone task her own:D but thanks:D ) maybe i cant find anyone i dont know. but thanks for trying to do tindering:D? i think i might find someone from art communities in Berlin. really, for sure, my type is not any Asian. (though me being ugly i might not be able to find anyone either. anyway:D but thanks for trying to do tindering for guhu:D)

i do understand whilst i said tinder here:D and artist/techie/scientist ehre, you started to show artist accounts :D for the topics i talk about you like to mention at times. ok:) so i get it as you are trying to find someone for me? it looked like that. (since you have already someone else, hyou mentioning topics i talk must be because you are doing tindering to mexD (that you are trying to find significant other to me ? i understood it like that. but i can find my significant other myself:) thanks:) and really my type is not any Asian:D i like big eyed people most of the time and not super compatible with Asian cultures, (because i am kind of post cultural and read  East side is very cultural as i read, kind of not suited to that part of world this silly head of guhu). i think i would try to find someone here:D (Berlin) (though i might not find ever:D since i am ugly:P)   thanks for trying to do tindering act to me:D but thanks i can find myself:P not needing yours help:P (i might not found either but taking yours help to find someone would have been definitely weird:D )(and my type is not any Asian. Asian people might be very handsome/beautiful etc. but my type is different:D) (We Turkish people are usually big eyed, i am used to big eyed people or in couple topics, i would wanted my significant one to have big eyes:P  though since i am ugly i might not be able to find any:D that would be also ok.  you dont need to help me find someone:D thats funny & weird:D) (i cant stop this you trying to find someone to me made me laughed out loud:D its super funny:D ok, thanks, but really the last thing would be taking hyours help to find someone:D cause it would be suepr weird:D and also as told Asian people is not any my type either:D)  (every one has a type right? my type is not Asian. (though all my Turkish friends were fall in love to Asian people since they have very btfl faces usually) but really not my type Asian type. i mean thanks for trying to find someone to me? :) but really Asian people arent my type. (not because they arent beautiful, they have super beautiful faces. ) (its just not my type:D everyone has a type, right? :D and my type is not like that. )

ok i am not gay:D i like gay people as friends but i am not gay:)   you seem to like to make fun of me:D with referencing my blog:D
ok i like the type of guy whom is usually tall (though could be short) and kinds of looks European or Turkish or Kurdish or like neighbour countries or other contintents,    but never interested to Asian type:) (its funny but thats why i ddnt went to Japan once:D i had once such job opportunity and i said,  i would be forever alone if i go there, since Asian type people is really not my type. though they are very handsome/very betfl people but not my type) (I wish Asian people dont hate me since i talk like this. as told this is not about being beautiful or else, its about type topic:S i just have a common type i like to fall in love to. some people might not have such constraints like that, i do have. i really ddnt went to Japan 2 years ago because of that:D it were because i thought i would be forever alone cause i know myself and that is not my type:D and i think by the way Japan people are much more beautiful than me and noone would have looked to me there either. i mean i am ugly. but i wish its not considered bad to have some preferences (not specifying any beauty or such thing, its just type topic, everyone has some type?) on people we date? :D Asian type isnt my type. though i am super ugly and might be alone forever and i dont think any Asian guy would looked to me ever since their people are much betfl than me:) I am quite ugly:D   )


ok quite funny you are quite funny to communicate me like this:D funny person:D no, funny person you are wrong, i am not gay:D but its so funny to communicate you like this:DDDDD

gosh you are super funny:D

ok you took architecture topic as i see and words:) ok you like to communicate me like this:) ok :)


here in Berlin its multicultural and i think i might find someone of my type though might not find since i am super ugly:) ok this is weird:D talking with you these topics in this way :D

last day in jazz bar some guy just asked my name. he might be my type. though we ddnt talked more.

so i am not any gay really:D i just am alone but doesnt means i am gay:D if the guy continued talkign and if were kind fo good person, i might had talekd. hmm he were dark skinned, i dont know had Albert like name:D though we ddnt talekd more:D
hmm i think i might find someone from dancing school. or else from jazz bar? i dont think its nice to find some one from bar :D ok dance school is better:D i dont know if i would ever find someone since i am super ugly:D but i am really not gay:D i h\andt registered to dance school yet either:D


i dont any understand why you take words topics from my blog:D its super funny to communicate like this:D you arent single so communicating me to be friends or like that:D i dont know why you steal my words:D .  thought as you afre trying to find someone to me. siknce i said i want to be isolated then you shown someone living in a forest:) ok thats cool for sure, but i like the forests of buildings:) i like city life:P ok from that instant it looked as if you are trying tof ind someone to me:D and its suepr funny i think:D you trying to find someone to me:D ok i dont know how i found myself in such siutaiton that some tech guy tries to find soneone to me:D ok this is super funny:D ok:D



hmm i think i might try to find my type myself:P i think would get registered to lots of clubs here (like trying to learn how to dance club  or sculpturing or if there is any science club :D ). maybe some guy finds me as interesting:) as told i also want to setup a family/have kids. hmm might be a scientist or artist or techie. i dont know. if i would find anyone who looks to me since i am super ugly:P someone must be blind to see me as beutiful:D anyway:D

hmm actually that Albert in jazz bar looked interesting seemed as a nice person but as told we ddnt talked more. (if some one listen Jazz must not be a bad person most posisbly? i dont know. if its ok to find someone from a bar:D it definitely feels wrong:D but i dont know how to find someone either:D)


things i know: i also want to have a family:) and have a daughter or son in future. so i definitely should find someone :D never had such goals before:D of finding someone :D to setup a family etc:D
it would be super cute to have a daughter or son:D so current agenda of life includes finding someone :D i never had such goals befgore but its urgent since i am nearly 37:S
you are lucky you already have a family:)
but i dont:S i am as lonely as a pebble in a big ocean:S i also want to have a family. and started being active in trying to find someone for real:) since i dont want to be forever alone with no family with no kids:S i figured out i want kids:S so need to find someone. though dont know if i could find either:Di would see in time:)  but lfie's agenda includes finding someone/setting up a cute family:)
(having either daughter or son :) so never had such goals in life before. but have now since i figured out its not a good idea to be alone forever:P and having kids seemed suepr cute:D) (cause it doesnt feel any good to be alone forever:S) (you already have a nice family so you dont have such problems like being alone:) )

(so wish me good luck so that i also setup a family and be nonalone:) )


blog continued in:
https://weirdlife1234.blogspot.com/2019/10/blog-post.html