(i wish therapist helps ASAP on how to cope with stalk/smear campaign thingy. lets arrange ASAP) (and maybe helps me find detective resources to learn whom is doing this. i dont even know my stalker. its been happening for 5 years. stalk/slander/smear campaign/ first sleep! shoutings then sell! shoutings and very unnice shoutings that all smear campaign:S)

(so i wish blog readers understand its not any related to anyone nor my cry nor anything sad in this blog is to any related to anyone)

(its not any related to anyone you know. anyone you know are all decent not bad people. but this thing i confront is pure bad. this smear campaign/sleep! shoutings first 2 years. sell! shoutings last 3 years. this thing i confront is killing of my life to me. with stalk/with smear campaign. i wish i could fastly arrange therapy and start. and also try to reach detectiving resources so that this smear campaigining maniac stalker and his or her helpers cant come to 10kms beside me. i read that its restrain order. i think my stalker is either an NPD maniac. that is fixated to try to destroy my life with smear campaign stalk. this maniac likes to create names /labels roles to me from his or her head and stalks me and tries to kill my life like that. i read NPD maniacs do this. but some things in stalk made me wonder if commies are behind that. for since i read in history commies did such things. (not that stazi is stal;king me. but i read in history that this has been done to people by commies. ) but i dont honestly any know whom is doing this to me. it might be just a psycho stalker either. that i dont even know whom is.  i dontr know what kind of mentally ill is this. that the psycho creates roles/names to me and stalks me like that in street(sometimes came to home street to shout such things. before stalked me in everycafe i went. first 2 years shouted sleep! last 3 years shouts sell!) . and tries to kill my life like that. i wish therapist helps me to cope. and helps me in anyway)

i am arranging therapy first interview so its very important.  yepp arraqnged my theraphy's first interview. it would be first a phone call.

then i would also buy my car this weekend and arrange driver license translation to here's license so that i could drive. so the count of confrontations of ugly smear campaign happens less. (cause the stalker likes to sit on my biking route and shout sell!. e.g. from a corner i routinely pass. or from cafe sell! shoutings happent. this psycho shouts me sell! for last 3 years with never endingly without reaching any goal. in many incidents they made fun with shouting seller! to me also which were also super traumatic. the first 2 years this psycho shouted oluk!(asshole) to me and shouted endlessly sleep! that didnt worked out either. then after 2 years of that switched to shouting sell!) i understood i am stalked and confronting such thing only after 2 years of getting stalked. cause never stalked me with my name. some names the stalking people used made me thought wonder whther its something that is stazi did in history. that looks like that also. since some name were also used in this stalk/slander incidents. i dont know any. i have no idea whom is stalking me. it started 5 years ago, and neverendingly happens without reaching any goal (the thigns stalkers shout, they cant make it happen) but the only thing the only goal they reach has been torturing my life like this with stalk/smear campaign/shouting me sleep! shouting me sell!. it has been the hardest time of my life. the smear campaign thing is super hard topic. anyway sun would shine back. the stalkers would get restrain order so they cant come 10kms beside me to do slander/to do shout sell! (first 2 years they sohuted asshole! ork!(since my nose were very ugly by then) super poor! and mainly asshole! sleep!. then they gave up shouting sleep, they switched to sell! word. and this sell! word happens 3 years. i want to scream of scare when some people shout me sell!. because i am an engineer and my profession in life is engineering. i wish my therapist helps me how to cope having such psycho stalker thikng. and maybe in finding detectiving resources to have the stalkers get restrain order (that they cant come 10kms beside me.) i would definitely sue for to create restrain order(and for the crime of smear campaign also) if i learn whom these people are. but i dont even know whom is stalking me:S so i need detectiving services. anyway. )  (its super creepy thing to confront a smear campaign doing stalker:S) (some days it feels super overwhelming. ) (luckily i would buy car so it would be little bit fixed. as told, i am agoraphobic. everyday from work to home i scare. for confronting sell! shouting. i want to scream from scare when i confront smear campaign which is super unnice. but since i would buy car, i wouldnt confront that agoraphobic mood. because from home's park to workplace's car park and from there to home, i wouldnt need to spend time in outside. so this weeks goals buying a car, doing things to have a driver license valid here, working on DE tasks, working on Resnicks algebra learning ai, but i think i would even try to buy the car on monday. so that i do0nt feel the scare of scaring of going outside everyday. these people whom stalked me stalked me as if they had GPS of my l;ocation. i sometimes wondered whether people could attach tracking device to cars from outside. causew everywhere i went i were stalked. not missing any single incident. even when i hadnt gone with my car. i remember, in one incident i went to shopping center 1 hour far away from city. and 1 hour later stalkers came stalked. then i remember stopping by car in a place. then i were stalked with a guy talking with phone with sexual ahrrasing words and some stalk name i remember in stalk icnident. and a guy shouted in outside some curse to tugra name with very anger. (this happent in ankara). before i were living in istanbul. then i thought i had a stalker named tugra. turned out in park stalk incident, the psycho stalker names me tugra. like many other names this psycho creates for me in stalking me. i understood this only after 2 years of getting stalked. i thought i had stalkers with those names. never could imagine this else. in park incident, a guy and a woman walked beside me and shouted "tugra! sleep!" with looking to me. in that stalk incident i started to decrypt understand this nefarious name scheme i confront. in that incident i understood tugra is not a stalker. but the psycho stalker likes to creates names/labels/roles to me and stalk like that.   not only that in vicinity time frame, in cafed beside there some other similar incident happents with olga name. then i with these 2 incidents finally decrypted the naming scheme of the stalker psychopath. that likes to create/names/labels/roles to me and tries to kill my life with stalking me with such created roles from psycho's head.  it has been super creepy 5 years:S first 2 yeaqrs i hadnt even understood. i thought a serdar is stalking me. i thought tom is stalking me. turned out these people create names t o me like that. they also used guys i dated names in this. i dont know how they took previous managers name, guys i dated names, or guy i were interested names:S for instance, i when i moved to ankara, i were happy first thinking i am saved from serdar's stalk. then happent again. but first with guy i slightly dated's surname first. they would come to restaurants i went to dine after work with my laptop with coding some python. then they would shout "some_surname! sleep". i would think some_surname is stalking me. as told, i understood these all naming scheme of the stalkers in that park stalk incident and in a cafe stalk incident in recent time frame 3 years ago i guess.  reason i thought they might be commies is because they also used tom name in this. for instance in ankara, in one stalk incidents, a guy in workplace's surrounding in suits shouted "tom! slander_word!".  or in a cafe some people would shout "slander_word!". whislt in istanbul i were thinking i have a tom named stalker. turned out its like serdar, that the stalker creates also tom name to me. not only tom name, a guy's second name they also used. both 2 names of a guy (about security industry) they used stalking me. they stalked me labeling me as bitch with shouting me sleep! for 2 years. then sell! for 3 years.  it were super weird. every where i went i were stalked. for instance. i decided to buy a gift to my family to go to an awesome panora named shopping center in ankara(that is one of the nicest shopping centers i ever seen, really beautiful place). then i would park my car. travel shops. maybe i spent 20 minutes (thinking its too expensive place and wishing to switch to another shopping center thats kind of cheaper) then after there spending 20 minutes at most, or maybe 15 minutes i guess, whilst i leave the shop, think there i spent at most 15 minutes right? then when i leave the shop a person would shout the stalk narrative from outside of the shopping center. how could they do this very timely precised stalk i wonder? i mean how could stalk me like this? and i were stalked every time i go outside to someplace. not missing any single instant.  e.g. the week mom and dad left their second car to me (an old but nice car) i wanted to go to bolu which is 2hours distant to the city. you know 2 hours. then i went. spent time in a cafe. then i spent 1 hour some places wandering the nice lake.  then i got hungry, and i went to another cafe. then a guy and woman came and stalked. and then i called mom and repeatedly told i am an engineer. then the person said to the other person we cant mess with this woman. but they tried to continue to try to mess my life. never endingly.  stalk. stalk. everywhere i go. even in noon time. i in ankara workplace left going to noon food places. because every single instan t i were stalked. then as told, in 2 years i decrypted the naming scheme. thbat there is no oguz named stalker. but the stalker likes to shout oguz to me. or similarly tghere is no hande. but the stalker likes to shout hande to me:S i thought they were stalkers:S i think this thing i confronted is one of the creepiest things that could ever happen to a person. its still super creepy:S since the stalk also happens here.

i wish therapist helps me to cope.  and maybe helps me if there are such, to find detectives. to investigate and learn identify whom are these people are. i dont any know. i dont any know whom is stalking me and torturing me like this. my stalker creates names /labels/ugly roles to me and tries to kill my life with stalking me with that. for 5 years neverendingly.  i am super happy that i moved to this flat that doesnt look to main street. cause slander stalk incidents happent from street there.   i think tghis might be really stazi like commies. but not stazi i mean just resembled stazi to stazi's smear campaign acts. but i dont any know. maybe its just an NPD maniac stalker from 5 years ago time. they say 1% of population is NPD. and smear campaign is also done by NPD also. so i dont any know what i confronted any tiny bit:S that whom is doing this to me. i hypothesized its either commies or an NPD maniac stalker from 5 years ago. but dont any know. i get stalked also here alot. in route of my path sometimes. i really think it might be commies because of some names used. but in the end it might be just an NPD maniac stalker. but i dont any uinderstand how the stalker creates those names:S anyway. complete unknowns. i have none idea whom is stalking me.

)

i stopped buying car since mom dad instructed to do so. since they said they might send me 4000 euros for to buy my car for to stop me buying 400 euros car. if one opf the places they have gets sold. they have a market like home theyshare with uncle. my mom and dad lives in the site/building complexes  they built.  they sold nearly all of the houses before. very cheaply actually because it were crisis times 10 years ago so they left this construction thing. (luckily they similary have land in ankara that is like that.   so that they would have new places be built. but its without houses yet. this one in iskenderun, they built it and sold it alot. its maybe 100 homes. but those times houses were sold cheap so it wernt that much profits holding thingy. before that they built buildings home in ankara, iskenderung etc. but since there were crisis, they left doing so. but newly ankara places are going to be built also. so mom and dad also said theyt would send maybe 250k euros to me to init me buying a home later if the ankara homes get built.   i never had thoughbt of b uying any home in my life. except dreaming of buying home with very large garden to be protected from psycho stalker's stalk. i think with 250k i could find a home that has very huge garden. or maybe with adding 100k to that that i could would might add later on with mortgage. i guess i could buy a huge house with garden with 350k in out of city like places. anyway. i am actually happy in this flat. since its also protected from stalk incidents. (since looks to backyard). 

anyway, this one last market place is might be sold they told, so they urgently wanted me to not buy the 400 Euros car but that they would give me 4000 Euros as long term debt to me so i buy nicer car. ok i said. they were upset last day alot heariung my plan to buy 400 euros car.  i were going to buy tomorrow or other day. now i have to wait 1 week. since if theyh sell the market like building, they would send me. ok then i raised from 0 t o 500 Euros range to 2000-4000 Euros car range in my car search. nice. then with this car i also could go off city. if i bought 400 Euros one, i would of course not go to any outside city places with that. ok then investigating 4000 Euros car time.

ok thinking i could hire detectives with 4k Euros mom dad would send to me. but they send it for me to buy a car.  ok then i think i would spare 1000 Euros each month to detectives cost myself with eating least from salary. but not missing therapy costs. so i would spend as mcuh as little and collect my own 4000 Euros. and try to cope the stalk with therapy. and add some out of city times with car as an person who likes being outside and i have stayed an agoraphobic life for a long life whilst liking being outside. ok so agenda changes to:

new agenda:

1. spending very tiny money each month and collecting detectives costs (which i guess its 4000 or 5000 euros ) so that i would collect proof of the torture i confronted in outside (sell! (previously sleep! shoutings) and stalk and smear campaign) so that i would be able to create a law case to sue the stalker whomever is (i dont any know whom is stalking me, but i guess detectives would be able reach out) would be sued and get a restrain order of 5kms or 10kms of not being able to come to vicinity of me (since shouted me sleep! for 2 years. and shouts me sell! for 3 years. adn does very ugly form  of smear campaign also:S)

2.  being able to cope to smear campaign and stalk incidents with extreme level of therapy

3. being able to cope waiting more to hiring detectives with havbing a car and sometimes going to outside city (so that i could live my life in outside alot again at soimetimes). (i am a person whom loives to be outside but not let to live my outside life  by my psycho stalker that stalks for 5 years) (for since stalker creates agoraphobia. but maybe having agoraphobia is even healthy when having a psycho stalker, is not it? i think so)

4. (ok cantg deny that having a car that i could go outside city (since i tag in my head weherever stalk happent as pleace not to travel around(agoraphobic state) and outside city is not tgged as like that  yet.) (here, city is actuallyvery safe (like istanbul or ankara or here, its not any related to any city. all cities i lived/live were/are safe ), but i am agoraphobic because i have a non normal situation that doesnt happen to other people. i have a psycho stalker that stalks me for 5 years in multi cities so i mean its very rare situation not happens to other people. i mean this thing i confronted is not any related to safety of any city. its just 1% of anywhere's population they say are maniacs. and could happen anywhere not any bound to any city. or its commies had done this. i dont any know what i confronted is animated by whom. i dont any know whom is stalking me. anyway.  but they say in any city in any population of people, 1% is maniacs.  so this thing i confronted could had happent anywhere. its not any related to safety of any city. its either animated by commies(due to some name usages i saw in this naming scheme i observed). or its an NPD maniac stalker that fixated me 5 years ago. i dont any know whom is stalking me. but you people could be sure its not any p[eople you know or else. i mean this is none related to blog readers.  anyway.)

5. ok then i would buy a used either Seat Leon or BMW 1 series or Ford Mondeo like models. i like both. (maybe wqould buy 2005 models or such years)  ok if its BMW it would be surely  1 series.  i would also add snowboard carrier to car's top. and bicycle carrier to its back. ok then car buying time. hey nice to have chance to be outside again:) it would be awesome to go outside of home.  i tagged in my agoraphobic mind: home very safe safe, workplace very safe.  but in between i am agoraphobic. but now that i would have car, i could have chance to be at outside again:) i am actually liking alot to be in outside , but stalk situation doesnt let me live my life.  so i guess everyweekend i would cities. now that i would have car.

6. ok dont know if i want to any snjowboard. i think i might now. i think but i know i would want to run bike. so would add bike holder to whichever car i wopuld buy. i dont know where i want to travel. maybe just to natural places and would bike. cause i feel not interested to populated city centers being agoraphobic. though maybe therapy would heal it. but i think it wont heal. i mean i think only solution is restrain order. i mean i should get to learn identity of my stalker, whom is doing this to me with detective investigating. then sue and create a restrain order. of at least 5kms or else. because it happens for 5 years and seems as would never end. and for to see justice happens. cause confronting the smear campaign thing/sleep! /sell! shoutings all very hurted. and turning to agoraphobic also hurted:S it is were very hard life years and messed my life's order/goals. i couldnt set up any life goals. or any normal life last years. cause my main think/idea in my brain mainly consisted of scaring from stalk/how to avoid psycho stalker's stalk... i mean i cxouldnt had any normal life last 3 years. in first 2 years it were also hurting(since confronted ugly words on how i looked/how super poor i am etc.) but i had no idea i had that much scary psycho stalker situation that is a severe sociopath.  i mean in first 2 years had no idea that i had a severely posycho stalker nor had any idea i were confronting slander. anyway. its not easy life when having a psycho stalker for 5 years:S anyway. i mean i wish therapy fixes. cause normal life order in my head is messed up. i mean what to do in my daily life, or how to live my life, all messed up. my life passed with scaring from stalk last3 years as i understood i have a sociopath psycho stalker stalking me:S its just not any easy. i wish therapist teaches me how to live life again. cause i lost the order of things, what to do in daily life. cause my days all passed with scaring from stalk. or trying to build startup so that i would buy a large garden holding home so that i would be saved from confronting stalk incidents. i mean i lost how daily life is were lived many years. its not easy thing to have a psycho stalker i think.  cause i forgot how to live life. my only main topic in my life has been stalk topic last 3 years (i been stalked for 5 years but i hadnt understood i have a psycho stalker that is very psycho in first 2 years of stalk.). i lost feeling of security for many years. and normal state of life either. my head were focused either to build some project so that i could buy myself a big garden  hoilding home so street stalk icnidents wont happen. or just passed with trauma. i mean i lost how daily life were lived for 3 years. it just passed with scaring from stalker. (first 2 years i hadfnt even understood i have a psycho stalker).  i lost normal rhytm of life so many years that i forgot how normal life is lived. my normal life were scaring from stalk incidents. scaring from stalk. so i guess therapist has alot to heal. cause i forgot how to live my life. anyway i wish therapy starts soon so that i dont tell alot internet about my trauma. everyone else might confronted trauma sometime in life. i am weak i guess for how to handle trauma situation. i wish therapy starts soon so that i dont tell alot internet with my trauma and stop blogging. so that i dont bother internet with my trauma thingy. currently internet is my therapist. until therapy starts soon. i arranged phone interview of therapy to tuesday. its i both dont know how to live life. nor i could create friends cause i scare of going outside. i mean how one could have friends when is agoraphobic. i mean. i dont know. there are lots of things to fix in therapy. like agoraphobia. or to get back to normal state of life or how life should be lived. i dont feel secure (even if the city is safe). there is a constant rush in my head of words of "i should save my self from psycho stalker's stalk". anything i do in my daily life, this is the main thought idea in my brain.  i mean for instance, one would go to cinema right? i dont have such luxuries. because instead my rbain instructs me to study create projects so that i create capital to save me from stalk of psycho stalker (that i could buy a huge garden holding house). i mean before, i liked going to cinema alot. or having such hobbies. but all are gone now. i always have rush in my head to save myself from stalk. thats the only thing i could think in anything i do in my daily life.  if there werent stalk, i would go to cinema every weekend. maybe twice. or would read books. but inste4ad i would rush to create projects. for to create capital somehow. so that i could buy myself a huge garden holding house. i mean, my brain is lost in this rush feeling. a rush to save myself from psycho stalkers stalk. there is no normal secure life context for my brain. i wish therapist heals this. i forgot normal life. what it is. i am now like a machine that is only thinking one idea, that how to save myself from stalk of psycho stalker. main idea in my brain is this. all ideas are sub ideas. but main thing all things is this. so i cant go to cinema in weekends. because i would feel need to rush to create projects to save me from stalk of psycho stalker. there is constant wanting to save myself from psycho stalker that never ends. the scare from psycho stalker never ends. and the desire to save myself. so i forgot how a normal life feels. how to go to cinema at weekends feels. i wish therapy starts soon so i dont brag internet of my trauma thats none related to any blog readers. i were a person who goes to cinema twice a week. none in last 3 years. i loved to read sociology books. once in last 3 years. all i do is trying to create a startup to create capital that would create safety feeling to me. people create startups to create changes in world right? unfortunately last 3 years, my goal were to create safety feeling to myself actually:S for my startup ideas. except the algebra learning ai project. but thats main core reason is still that. even has dimensions to help humanity (E.g. with trying to make humanity eternal. which would be super awesome. and it would be basic right to be eternal. if i could create an algebra learning ai, and let it construct platforms itself...). witgh creating nice things. but my brain is lost in this single idea. to save myself from stalk of psycho stalker from 5 years ago that stalks me for 5 years.  i forgot how to live a normal life or what it is a normal life last 3 years.  i wish therapy starts soon i dont tell internet i stop telling internet about my personal trauma.  i am also sick of my behavior of using internet as my thgerapist:S which is also unnice i know. but as soon as therapy would start, i would stop talking blogging about my trauma. since after that my therapist would be my listener for my trauma. which i wish to start on tuesday this week. the state of observing some psycho trying to kill my life with stalk/slander/smear campaign also were really hard time. i think there is nothing more traumatic than tried to be killed. i think my stalker is trying to kill my life(not physically but maybe also would try that. snce in one stalk incident they mentioined shooting me. i dont kwno if that would be done also:S but i mean this stalk/slander is also killing my life) . and its really very traumatic. its not ok to have normal life state being gone. its very unnice:S to confront such trauma. and i am sick of myself for telling about my trauma in internet. therapy should start soon so that i would tell to therapist instead of internet.

now i would study to Resnick again. in that project, as again main goal is to protect myself from the psycho stalker with my ai that i work to build (that it might do detectiving or might be enable to create a safety net around me) but secondary goals are creating eternal lives to humanity so that i mean just creating nicer form of super computers with inventing new algebras maybe. but the thing silly thing is still the main goal passes through saving myself from the stalk of the psycho stalker that stalks me for 5 years. i mean i cant save myself form this mood of constant scaring and desire to protect myself from stalk of stalker. since the stalker threatened my life with stalk/slander/smear campaign and does still. i mean, its super silly to create projects to create safety to self then also wanting to create changes in world as secondary goals. but  honestly this is like this for me. every main goal of my life passes through wantint to save myself from stalk of psycho stalker. and i wish noone confronts ever life threatening situation and doesnt felt locked up in a one dimensional single life like me like last years. that all i could think is how to save myself from stalk of psycho stalker.  i mean like every night i would work on to create projects. if i am not sleeping on couch. but a constant rush a constant scare feeling. i wish therapist saves me from this mood. it feels as i should always work to create Resnick's project right now. whilst in normal l,ife, normal untrauma holding people i mean, go to cinema, go to camping etc. but me, all i can think is to create projects. i wish therapist saves me from this mood. of constant scare, and desire to save myself and constantly working  to create proejcts to save myself from stalk of psycho stalker.  there is no moment of my life that scare feeling gets away from my brain. i constantly scare of my psycho stalker. and work to solve the stalk situation. e.g. like creating a project that would protect me from psycho stalker.  e,.g for instance right now i would continue working on REsnick to build someting that would first save me from stalk of psycho stalker with enabling detectivingb services. i mean all my life wanders around topic of saving myself from stalk of psycho stalker. and its a very unnice way to live life. its very unncie thing to have a psycho stalker that stalks for 5 years. i guess havinga  life threatening state creates very weird results like my life. that i constantly work on to create projects to save myself from psycho stalker. i wonder how other people whom confronted life threatening situations do. are they like me?  i mean i think confronting some situation which is threatening my life is kind of very weird experience. i dont any think stalk/slander is none less than killing my life physically. i wonder is this constantly working on projects is any PTSD behavior? i dont know any. its just i know all i can think always last 3 years is working on projects to save myself from stalk of sociopath psycho stalker that stalks me for 5 years. neither my stalker nor any trauma is any related to any you blog readers nor your friends. it started 5 years ago.  its like i am lost in a universe of trying to create projects universe to save myself from psycho stalker and the universe's main idea is this. there is nothing more important than this and all goals working for this. so every day this guh would work on to create to try to create projects with her laziness also to save herself from stalk of psycho stalker. my unviverse is simply like this. everyday working on projects. but i also lazy either. and also dont like everytype of project. e.g. some projects felt uninteresting. but i finally found my dream project. an algebra learning ai. which seemed nice match to my interests in areas i wonder.  but again, the silly thing is, actually its still having a silly purpose of saving guh from the stalk of psycho stalker. i mean everything i work on works on that goal. and i wish therapist saves me from this mood that i am locked in. but maybe its a healthy mood to be inside when having a psycho stalker that stalks me still. e.g. i also think me being agoraphobic is not any unhealthy since i have a psycho stalker.  normally being agoraphobic is unhealthy. but i think in my situation since i have a  psycho stalker, its healthy i think. to be more secure. i warned you blog readers if you dont likme to read unhappy blog, dont read mine. cause its unhappy. i wish it would become happier blog after i attedn therapy.  if you dont like reading unhappy things, please dont read mine. cause its assured to be unhappy for a while i dont know how much. i wish therapist saves me from my this mood. of constant scare fropm psycho stalker's stalk. confronting stalk/slander/smear campaign from a psycho stalker we4re the hardest time of my life:S its really super hard. cause stalker stalked me every where i went every cafe before i became agoraphobic 3 years ago. the stalker stalked me everywhere not even missing single time i went tro any cafe. any shopping center. every time i went out, i got stalked.  it were like the stalker had my GPS data. i dont know how. and somethings in stalk made me wonder whether if commies had animated these stalkers. since i heard in histgory stazi also did smear campaign stalk things. that which quite seems similar. (even if Stazi is not any stalking  me, but i wondered if there are still commies doing these type of things but not Stazi commies but else countries' commies? ) or its justa psycho stalking me. i dont know whom is stalking me. you could be sure that its none related to you either. neither you nor your friends or else. its either a stalker psycho neighbour from 5 years ago that i dont even know whom is. or its something else like theories this guh created. anyway. i wish therapist helps me and saves me from this only and only projects building universe that i live inside of. my unvierse's main act is trying to build projects to save me from psycho stalker.

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as i use extrovert word, i remember the introvert angel like guy's story:S this is super sad:S that is one of the most sad thing i ever heard that loss of that introvert person:S similarly the loss of nonintrovert person either. :S

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25 hours left to first phone interview with the therapist. yupp therapy is very happy. i wish therapy saves me from my single dimensional universe (that i could think in overall of life is scaring from my psycho stalker and how to save myself and agoraphobia. i mean 3 years ago the stalker stalked me in everywhere i went as i observed. i think maybe lots of other people had such hard situaitons in life but they can handle the trauma much better than me. i observe i am not any good in trauma topic. i cant handle trauma and continue a life with that. i just couldnt fix this myself. of living inside a single dimensional universe. this thing i written is not any related to any people you knmow or any topic about blog readers. its just a personal silly trauma thats none related to nothing. i am pretty sick of myself for using internet as my therapist. i think maybe trauma should had not been told in internet.  because maybe unhappiness is kind of unnice thing that shouldnt be shared this much.  i mean it feels as telling about unhappiness is not a nice act.  i mean it feels as it should stay personal and shared with a therapist but not with the internet. for since my situation is very personal. i mean if it were something systematic wrong or else, then i should be very loud in internet as i were. but its very personal. i mean i guess there are lots of other people who had psycho stalkers. i mean it happens not to only me. i mean my situation is very personal. not any related to anytopic out there in world. so i am quite unhappy about my behavior of using internet as my therapist. i wish i heal also that unhealthy behavior. cause life is meant to live happily. i have no right to tell my unhappiness to internet to take people's time with my own unhappiness. i mean since its just a personal trauma. thats no related to no topic about any blog reader or any of people they know or any such topic. its just very personal and relates to people any blog reader doesnt any know. its either a stalker neighbour from 5 years ago. or something else like commies. i dont any know. but i am super sick of myself for using internet as my therapist. i think this is quite unnice behavior. i should all the time had attended therapist instead. i observe i am not any strong in handling a trauma. i had no idea what to think what to do when i confronted trauma. luckily newly i started to understand what to do when a person cfonfronts trauma. i felt as if noone would believe my trauma. so i felt as internet would be only way to fight against trauma. then i learnt read about NPD abuse topics and saw this thing i foguhts against happent to other people also. i mean that i scared if i tell things i confronted, i would not be listened either. i mean i had no idea what to do when a psycho stalks me for 5 years. and fikrst 2 years shouting sleep! last 3 years shouting sell!. it is like i dont know what to do else other than blogging about it. but now i see i have unconventional blog readers. so i request them to not ta<ke my trauma as any systematic thing or any related to any people they know. its not any such topic. my trauma is really personal and not any related to anyone you know or else or any systematic topic.  its just a person with personal trauma. i am. nothing systemmatic. nothing related to anyone you know. noithiong related to any topic. its just a separate personal trauma. and i wish to stop blogging about it as my therapy starts.  i now feel as its shameful to write unhappiness. if its personal. if its not systemmatic. maybe all the way it should had never been blogged. but just shared to a therapist. but i had no idea what to do. inside trauma.  only thing i could do were blogging about my trauma. cause being inside trauma were something very new to me and i ddnt know what to do about trauma. in overall, its very hard to have a psycho stalker that stalks me for 5 years. i think its either a stalker neighbour from 5 years ago or something worse like commies doing this. i dont any know. but its a very personal topic. not any systematic. not any related to internet platforms. sometiems i say things to people in internet that i feel as they hate me? but my trauma is none related to people in internet. i mean my troubles in my life is not any related to people in internet. my trauma is very personal and not any related to internet.  this is not any abnout any topic about blog readers' lives. its very personal and very unrelated. and i am super happy real therapy would start so that i stop blogging about my trauma. which is very hard period. my life has been tried to be killed by my stalker with stalk/slander. but its none like those topics that are systematic or unfair as systematic. i mean my trauma is very personal. and not any related to any blog readers or not any related to their topics.