yayy my bike is coming on tuesday. said it takes 2 3 hours to assemble. i like assembling, so nice:)
then i already started to plan which snowboarding places i would go and how. i think snowboarding is one my favorite activity that i want to learn about last time itgot left in middle.i should by then have a converted driving license.
another thing maybe before buying a car is buying a motorcycle driver license:) and i would also buy first motorcycle i think. since i wonder how motorcycling is.
as told, if stalk/slander incidents happens i would report from here. last day happent from corridor. a slander incident. the stalker likes to do this alot: trying to deceive people as: with shouting things trying to depict me as very low as if i am a person that such sentences would be shouted to. very ugly sentences with very ugly requests words. does this constantly this stalker. tries to deceive surrounding as if i am a person such sentences would be shouted to. the stalker's main stalk mechanism is both stalk, both very ugly sentences, then slander, and also this playing out the slander, i mean not only slanders. but plays out the slander with making me shouted things that the slander type would be shouted to. and has a huge people resources in doing this and has had GPS accuracy. this is why i think it looks like zerzetsung. it is not any related to this city or this country in any sense. i newly came here. this topic started 5 years ago and happens for 5 years. this way of being slandered is horrible. its nmot just in street stalk/slander. the psycho that stalks me, makes me shouted sentences that are untrue that would be requested from the slander type. i mean very ugly requests that has none relatedness to me in any sense but tries to deceive people with trying to depict me as if i am such person with shouting me things that would be shouted to such people type. its been really traumatic. i hadnt understood whats happening even in first 2 years nearly. then as i understood, i entered trauma. and newly getting out of trauma. last day such incident happent from corridor. it happens in street like when you go outside, some people shout a very ugly request and requests related to the slander type thats slandered. i mean the stalker and helpers of stalker, tries to deceive people as if i ama person such slander would be shouted. i mean not only does false rumors/slanders, plays the slander also. with a group of helper people, with GPS accuracy like stalk. so i do think its like zerzetsung. i mean creating an untrue slander and doing some play out in streets to deceive people about slandr, and doiung this with GPS accuracy for 5 years, and dfoing this with an enormous amount of people resource. i definitelyu think i am not any stalked by a psycho but some topic like zerzetsung.
but i feel safer here. in city which fought against zerzetsung like psychological warfare stuff 30 years ago. i hadnt planned coming to here due to i confront zerzetsung topic. actually i newly discovered these topics in internet. i understood my topic quite resembles psychological warfare stuff. i came here, because i once worked in beside frankfurt and liked very much my life so i came. then i think last 2 months while searching slander/smear campaign topic in internet, i came up to front zerzetsung topic. i mean its by chance and funny i think to figure out my fate and history of this place (30 years ago) has kind of resemblence in the sense of zerzetsung topic. but people here fought over zerzetsung stuff and made zerzetsung a 30 years ago history of them. i also feel safer here.
for my fight against zerzetsung like topic, as tokld, i would report whenever i observe stalk slander incident from here. though i also have agoraphobia. e.g. since slander happent from corridor, i listen classical music to avoid possible slander confrontation. similarly when i would ride my ebike i would listen very high music. i mean these topics are not any easy. i mean i cant do well detectiving on this and instead open high loud music cause its not any easy. being slandered confronting such life experience is not any easy type of life experience. there happens agoraphobic behaviors afterwards related to desire to avoid the trauma moment.
though i am much more stronger against. and i am happy. for the first time last 3 4 years i am really happy. before all i felt in my life last years were constant shock due to confronation of a very advanced scheme of slandering. i think its not simply a stalker situation i think i have some topic like zerzetsung being applied to me. maybe i were tagged as enemy by some people or dissisent i dont know whom they are either which country did does this to me i dont any know (for sure its not this country i currently reside). it happent for 5 years with stalk in every cafe. in every place i went. constant stalk/slander and not only slander, playing out the slander with shouting me very ugly requests that would be shjouted to the slander type of words. i mean not only slanders me also tries to deceive surrounding with having me shouted sentences that would be shouted to the slander type of people. this latter part were super levels of disturbing. i mean think the horror when a group of people devises an ugly character to you, and stalks you in street with depicting you as that ugly character shouting ugly requests sentences that would be shouted to the slandr type. and think this happens with GPS accuracy like stalk. with an enormous people resource that you get stalked slandered in every cafe in every footstep you had put to outside. i dont know if i could any reflect the trauma or how horrowful this has been. as told i were in trauma last 3 years. i am getting over trauma. and for the first time i became happy last 3 years. all years passed with trauma. but i newly started to get back happiness feeling again. for the first time i laughed like being happy laugh. i feel happy:) i am super happy for progress in trauma feeling. that i am slowly getting over trauma:)
i happily think of snowboarding. and waiting my ebike. maybe later i would buy a motorcycle i think since i am curious to.
hey i am happy i foujnd happiness for 3 years later of confronting zerzetsung like thing. its actually 5 years but i hadnt even understood in first 2 years i thought i had a psycho stalker but hadnt understood slander part in initial 2 years.
its first time i get back my happiness feeling again:) i am stronger than zerzetsung i think now. before zerzetsung were stronger than me and i entered trauma. now i feel strong against:)
(again when i say zerzetsung this has none relatedness to this lovely country's lovely people. its i make analogie to historical zerzetsung. )
i dont know which country did zerzetsung to me. i am pretty sure its not from anti-commie countries i think. pretty sure also its not here definitely not here.
i dont know if its zerzetsung. it just looks like. started 5 years ago. since holded enormous people resource and gps like stalk and an advanced slandering scheme thats very evil type, i tend to think its zerzetsung. cause i dont any think a normal stalker would be able to stalk/slander like that. the stalker had enormous resource assigned to this stalk/slandering scheme acts. juist only for this goal. as visible happent last day from building. i mean it need speople power to do such type of stalk/slander. i dont think its just a stalker situation. i do tend to believe its zerzetsung like topic. the most horrible part of it is, they dont only slander. they do this horrible act of, like they slander you as a type, then they shout you sentences with very ugly requests that would be shouted to that types. to deceive surrounding people as if you are such type of person (that is said in slander). for instance example of this incident happent last day from corridor. i dont know if i can define the horrorness level of these zerzetsung i confronted. or psychological warfare. or a very advanced form of slandering. had been applied to me. consistently for 5 years.
though i found happiness back again:) i got out of trauma mostly.
i were like, happiness feeling were some feeling lost long before to me.
i feel safer here also because people of here fought such slander smear campaign like psychological warfare 30-40 years ago here. so reading about these last 2 months, made me feel safer here. cause people here confronted psychological warfare stuff so i am like a person from their 30 years ago history i think. i mean i feel safer here. since i think the evil i fight against quite resembles the evil they fought against 30 years ago that were won with fall of Berlin wall. i feel safer here. since i think people here are experienced to this type of psychological warfare named evil type. so it makes me feel safer here.
psychological warfare named evil stolen 3 years of my life. but i am happy back again. and stronger against psychological warfare stuff.
yayy i made a delicious meal thats tasty like meals in cafes. and drank with apple wine. felt as if dining inside a cafe. the wine tastes amazing. and meal also this time. since i ddnt this time used that chili peppers:S that makes it very spicy/hot. it were like a standard cafe meal:) not any special type of food i made but were tasty.
i were continueing to read 30 years ago history of here. since i feel like i look like a person from such history. i mean zerzetsung. i mean its 100% this country (Germany) is not any doing any zerzetsung to me. I feel instead safer here. i am happy i found blue card here and i feel safer and i appreciate work chance here so much to them. when i say zerzetsung i never any mean this country that i currently reside. I am so happy i found a work life chance here and appreciate so much. and i feel quite much safer here against zerzetsung. since its their history they won over such fight against zerzetsung topics(psychological warfare in cold war periods). so i feel much more stronger here.
hey i newly discovered some topic. the stalkers used "kav" word in many stalk incidents which means kind of lightener word i searched many times what it means to understan what psycho stalkers means. and i saw topic of a guy with lightner surname that is from coldwar many years ago history from now. ok. weird coincidence. i remember i always wondering what kav word means regarding stalk. they would stalk like "curses! kav!" word. like for instance i think 3 or 2.5 years ago, i went to a shop only once just for minutes, those times i were thinking i were stalked by a psycho only and would thought buying a redding wing would show me as married woman and maybe somehow protect from stalker thinking i am not alone. then i went to shop. bought some ring. then i got outside and a woman shouted curses with shouting kav word.
what kav means always became mystery in stalk incidents. i still dont know. i dont even know whom stalked me. nor why. but i think its kind of zerzetsung type of stuff. but i dont know whom did and why. maybe guh by her existence in world is just a dissident to some ideologies and they wanted to destroy me with slander? i dont any know. i juist observed an organized exactly like zerzetsung like efforts for 5 years. it is were very hard. but i am stronger against now.
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think that a psycho does zerzetsung. i mean i dont think it were just a psycho. cause had enormous people power and stalked like if holded GPS. constant character creation sociopathy/stalk/slander/smear campaign. not only created slander but also played it out with shouting me sentences thats aligned with slander. i mean not only tried to deceive people about me with slander words but played it out in street. with shouting me sentences that would be shouted to that slander type. so double deception. not only words. also street play happens. its a targeted destroyal effort i confront like this for 5 years. does create names to me. does creates slanders to me. then for instance in a train says sentences that would eb said to that slander type. i dont ever reply. nor look. but nice that i am inside a place of people to not easy to fool around with slander. i mean my slanderer zerzetsung doer does not have fooling deceiving people around with slandering me chances here. because people here fought with such stuff 30 years ago. it feels much safer here. to be in a place where people had confronted zerzetsung topic. maybe some guy i passed around is a previous zerzetsung victim. i mean i think if anyone would understand how zerzetsung is were horrible, i think its here. because people directly confronted it here. so i feel safer here. since i dont know whom did zerzetsung to me in my home country. but i am sure its not Germany country. so i feel safer here.
i dont know how i can define how hard it were to fight against being a victim of a zerzetsung like topic. cause the stalker has no goal of being honest. i mean has no such goals. has goal of destroying me with slander. i dont know why has such goal either. but when you confront a dishonest enemy, it becomes life becomes super hard. cause lies whatever shit the enemy wants to lie. does slander me. but not only slanders. does play out the slander in street. like creates a character to me and plays out that character. creates very ugly characters to me. and plays out them. slanders me. then in street behaves to me makes me behaved as if i am such slander type of person. its super hard to have a zerzetsung doing enemy. i dont even know whom did this to me. (still does). but i feel safer here. since people here are not i dont think they are easy to fool or deceive any. since they are very intellgnt so they wont be fooled by my slanderer or zerzetsung doer. i feel safer here much more. cause i dont know any whom did this to me in my home country. i liked my home country before. then this happent. i still liked my country even if happent. but then reading topics 2 months of slander smear campaign zerzetsung topics, i started to understand it might be something of that zersetsung domain. so i still dont know whom did this to me. (and still does). but i feel much safer here. cause i am pretty sure this country had not done to me that. zerzetsung named evil topic.
how it is. to confront such thing.
its like, you go to street. and a stalker shouts a super ugly request from you with shouting such sentence trying to deceive surrounding people as if you are such type of (slander type of person)that such sentence would be shouted to. this is how mainly happens. what i observe in my version of zerzetsung confrontation is this.
also degrading how i looked. degrading my socioeconomic status. degrading my look defects with very bad words. i mean not only slander also a bunch of degradation of any trait of myexistence happent 5 years. not only slander. i were shouted very ugly words on how ugly i looked. or words like "super poor". a constant degradation effort i observed. then slander. i dont care anything other than slander. slander were worst. though i hadnt understood i am slandered first 2 years either:S i just thought i have a psycho stalking me:S i started to understand whats happening i think after 2 years of stalk confrontation
and did this with GPS accuracy. every footstep i were stalked by slanderer. here also tried to stalk me like that. did this also here. so as told, this slanderer looks like backed by an agency to me. since i dont think i could have been stalked with GPS accuracy without such help/being backed by such power. its sure not any related to Germany. i feel safer here. its not any related to here. it started 5 years ago.
it happens like. says slanders/false rumors to me. and plays out that in street. does this neverendingly for 5 years. this is why i think it looks like zerzetsung. cause a normal psycho doing usual psychopathy sociopathy acts wouldnt pursued such thing for 5 years i think. and wouldnt have chances to do this with GPS accuracy. i mean this exactly were targeting to destroy my reputation with falsehood/untrue ruimors/slander. then but it werent just slander, the psycho played out slander in street. like shouting sentences aligned with the slander. i mean woiuld stalk me as depicting me as alike the slander word. and shout such untrue sentences and very ugly requests.
why its like zerzetsung. cause i remember 2 years ago in ankara, in a cafe a person talking in phone outside saying "fire guher, i could do what she does much better". they didnt only slandered me. they deceived people like this. their main acts are abnout deceival. like some psycho tries to show as if i work for him or her whomever is on the end of that phone. i mean can you imagine being guh and seeing some psycho talking to another psycho and saying such sentence. can you imagine the horror i felt seeing such sociopathy applied against me. this is why i think its zerzetsung. cause noone would do such thing for 5 yeqars to a person like this i think. i mean it werent a psycho's stalk definitely i think. it were exactly zerzetsung. in that moment that day i shouted psycho sociopath. i and the stalker were both in outside. then but i stopped replying to stalk/slander incidents. i dont even look. or reply any reply like that anymore. cause its useless. whether i shout psycho sociopath stop stalking slandering me, it doesnt work. i tried it twice in twice outside stalks(i dont go outside alot last 3 years sometimes i try then i dont most of the time). shouting psycho stalker stop stalking slandering me doesnt work. the zerzetsung doer most possibly i think is getting some salary of this taskforce of slandering people task. and doesnt care when i say psycho stop this sociopathy. i definitely think its zerzetsung and these people are working for an organizatrion of a country that i dont any know whom is.
i dont know but could blog readers imagine how horrorful life is when confronting zerzetsung.
as told, it does mainly consists of two acts. creating slanders about me. then playing out those slanders in street with things shouted to me. with trying to depict me as the slander said. it mainly consists of those 2 acts. the zerzetsung type i confront. no wonder i became an agoraphobic person. cause going outside means to me, in last 3 years, it means chances of confrontation of that sociopathy shit in which stalker shouts a sentence to me as aligned with the slander. with trying to deceive surrounding people as if i am a person alike the slander word. so to not have this deceival effort be happening aboutr me, i dont go outside alot. but stalker is dedicated to do this decevial effort. last day did this from my home's corridor. i mean i think this stalker is getting salary from this and is urged to complete the eradication of my reputation task even if i dont go outside, does this with doing it from my home's corridor. i mean if cant do it outside, does it from home's corridor. is dedicated to do the stalk/sl;ander acts somehow someway for to deceive surrounding people as if i am a person of that slander word:SSSS tries to deceive people like that.
this happens to me for5 years. fighting against sociopathy acts for 5 years. going outside means risk of being slandered and being a material to slander act against me. i mean slander reduced my freedom to go outside. cause my stalker has GPS like stalk capability set. and enormous people resource. so has really capability to stalk me everywhere i go. as i observed it happent like that constantly. when i go outside, i become material to the slander word. i mean the stalker exact does this: does a heightened version of slander with shouting an ugly request from me or saying a very ugly sentence related to slander with trying to deceive surrounding people as if i am like that slander word. i mean going outside means giving more chance to the slanderer to do more slander to me. but also reduced my freedom to go outside. so i definitely thinik zerzetsung confrontation is really hard. but i here got out of trauma and i now feel i am stronger than zerzetsung i confronted/continue to confront. before i felt zerzetsung is stronger than me and i felt super levels of trauma. now i feel stronger against zerzetsung. and being here where people confronted these type of things 30 years ago, also makes me feel stronger. i feel stronger here exactly here where history of holds the trauma type i confronted people would know how hard it is to confront zerzetsung. i think people whom confronted such thing would understand how hard it is much more.
i feel much stronger in here against zerzetsung. and feel much safer here.
for the first time in 3 years, i feel stronger against zerzetsung i confronted/confront.
and my happiness feeling is back also. i lost that feeling for many years.
yayyy planing my snowboarding holiday even from now:)
hmm i want to buy this one maybe. if we could snowboard this year. if places open.
https://fun-sport-vision.com/burton-ripcord-2020-00102942.html
anyway my happiness is back. i am really getting over trauma and becoming stronger against. no more that trauma feeling. of course i have agoraphoibic behaviors. but i were consistently in sometimes lost in trauma feeling. now i feel neutral. neither trauma nor happiness but sometimes happiness but in sum, no trauma most of the time. i think i really started to get over trauma. i mean before confronting zerzetsung feeled super creepy. now i feel as i am strong enough agaiunst zerzetsung. i wish so:) i mean that trauma feeling that fulled my soul that pain type its not easy to define with words, its gone the pain feeling is gone. i feel no more trauma. though i am still agoraphobic since i confront zerzetsung that people whom looked like an agency backed stalked me stalk me still. i mean they do it secretly from street and torture with stalk/slander secretly from street. with a very undefineable levels of pain creating torture type which is: slander, zerzetsung type acts, smear campaign silently/hiddenly/secretly from street from a corner or from corridor like last day. i mean its exactly like zerzetsung. i saw that those people also did it secretly. but as told has none relatedness to this nice place. it started in my home country. hey i dont know whom targeted me for zerzetsung in my home country. it still continues even here. i am prettry sure the zerzetsung is not from anti-commie countries (i mean countries who are against commie ideologies, i am pretty sure confident that stalk/slander is not done by them)
but i now feel better and trauma pain feels gone. i feel happy now for instance i smiled alot to some topic i read.
yayy my happiness is back. i laughed alot 10 minutes ago:D i am laughing like a happy person. i lacked that for 3 years. all my laughes were like kind of nervous laughs. or never remembering being fully happy. cause there were always trauma in corner of my mind. not a past trauma either, the zerzetsung doer continues to do zerzetsung. but i dont know how i got over trauma and now feeling stronger against zerzetsung. cause there is deliberate effort targeted smear campaign effort done in very evil ways. from street. with two methods as i described. first is slandering. second is playing out the slander in street. i mean shouting very ugly requests that would be asked to the slander type of people. i mean trying to deceive people as if i am that slander word. i mean not only slanders. but plays out a very big craft outside to deceive people more in that slander. i mean it is not just slander. a theatral form of slander also gets happens. in street. in a corner while i pass an ugly sentence get shouted. or sometimes from corridor. but a constant deceival effort to try to deceive surrounding people to show me as that slander word. i discovered in internet that, these type of covert operations are usually done by not normal citizens people but by agencies or such people. in my case it were that part also very visibles since i mean every single instant i went outside the stalkers came and stalked/sl;andered. no matter where. with acts of shouting a super ugly request (to deceive surrounding as if i am a type of person of slander type) or passing from street shouting an ugly sentence request or untrue statement trying to deceive suyrrounding as if i am a slander type of person. i mean this werent i dont think this is a normal psycho's stalk. i dont think its a stalk of psycho. i do think its zerzetsung. but i wonder why i confronted zerzetsung. smear campaign. slander. stalk. my zerzetsung confrontation i observe the psychological warfare i confront consists of 2 type of smear campaign options: one is directly slandering. saying slander words. but the stalkers dont simply do that either. they stalk in street shout very ugly sentences that would be shouted to such slander type. to double deceive people on slander. i mean they dont just slander. they try todeceive surrounding about the slander with behaving to me in outside as if i am a slander type of word. this happens sometimes in a corner. like last day from corridor. a double deceival effort. not just by words. also there the slander is played out in street by helper people to these people. i do think this is exactly an exact form of zerzetsung upon i newly learnt aboiut zerzetsung. cause i dont think a normal psycho would do such type of slander. i mean a person would lack such people resource. my stalkers always have available people resource to their slander task force unit. i think these people have such units? i mean i labelled as like that but to me from outside it looks like that. that they have an enormous people power that they utilize for targeted smear campaigns. they dont just slander. they play it out in street. like shouting very ugly requests to depict me as the slander word to try to deceive surrounding people as if i am that slander word. or saying a complete bullshit untrue statemtn in street depicting me as slander when passing from home street. or passing from corridor shouting a very ugly request that would be shouted to slander type of people. i mean this stalker does not just simply slander. does play out slander also:S and since its done for 5 years, and since had GPS accuracy, and since the stalker has had enormous amount of people power in doing this targeted goal, i definitely tend to think its zerzetsung, not any thing else, but an exact form of zerzetsung.
but know what? now i am mostly out of trauma. and i feel stronger against zerzetsung. i feel stronger thgan zerzetsung now.
again this topic has none relatedness to this very nice city i live in. it started in where i lived 5 years ago. i just only resemble me to their history that 30 years ago history. since i also confronted/confront zerzetsung type of thing. so i am here a person from 30 years ago past like person i am :) i mean topic i fight against(zerzetsung like topic) is a sad 30 years ago history of them. i mean these lovely people has nothing to do no relatedness with stalk slander topic nor neither this lovely city has anyrelatedness to this topic. and not only here. i think this stalk/slander topic has none relatedness to any anti-commie country out there.
i feel safer here. since east side people here fought against zerzetsung 30 years ago. i dont know whom did(surely its not from anti-commie countries i think) but i also confronted/confront zerzetsung. so i feel safer here.
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anyway. but i last 2 months discovered zerzetsung topic and understood i am undergoing such topic same as such topic. cause i dont think any psycho would have this GPS capability holding stalk capability set. nor this m,uch people resource to be able to stalk me every where i went in outside a cafe or else place. i mean i dont think its just a stalker situation. i think its zerzetsung.
i really feel like trauma feeling is gone. and feel no more scared from zerzetsung. of course i am still agoraphobic. but that trauma feeling is gone. i feel stronger than the zerzetsung i confronted/confront.
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yesterday a weird funny card thing happent. i were opening card mixing them consistently 10<3s showed up at end card wven if i mix it constantly. for 3 times alike. then i said what:D then i opent cards and first two open cards were 9<3 then the second solitaire's open card i mean 8th card got 8<3 :DDDD
there iis some thing weird wqith this card stack:D due to such weird things i started to become an avid solitaire player these days:D but today no weird things happent like that in solitaire that i started to like alot:D
4 days ago first card in every solitaire session turned out to be 10<3:D and yesterday this happent:DD
in such moments i really wonder if is a simulacra? could it be?
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our souls constituents(particles) (kind of vitalist approach i want to state to how emotions could fill up all our soul). my soul consisted of full trauma feelingfor 3 years. now my soul is cheerful again:) all trauma passed nearly all. yet still agoraphobic. but stronger against zerzetsung.
i feel like i am in my previous(pre-stalk) cheerful guh state. all 5 years passed with some type of pain. first 2 ytears whom is degregading me and stalking me type of pain. then not even understanding i am slandered even. then 2 years stalk confrontation, understanding whats happening(stalk/slander sociopathy/ i now understand its of zerzetsung type / a targeted smear campaign) then, i entered trauma and felt like all life is pain of trauma. now newly last 3 days i started to laugh again. and my cheerful soul is back:) trauma feeling is gone. yayyyy i feel cheerful:) and scare none from zerzetsung:)
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trauma is like feels like when you feel trauma, all your soul becomes trauma feeling everytime. there happens no laugh afterwards. no cheers. i mean maybe in snow holiday i cheered. but else, always trauma feeling. its new i feel out of trauma. that my soul is healing. weird feelings. i mean trauma is so a continuum holding topic. i mean when trauma happens it fills all soul takes away all happiness and it happens for many years and maybe in m,y situation if stalker stopped zerzetsung i might healed earlier. but i learnt to heal even if the zerzetsung hadnt stopped. i think i could describe trauma feeling as, a continuum feeling of constant pain, scare of traumatic moments, and not remembering what laughing what being cheerful means for a long period of time. last days i newly started to laugh again:) cheerfulness is coming back again after 5 years of trauma. first 2 years wernt that much maybe like last 3 years. but were still traumatic. though i somehow managed to learn to heal from trauma even if zerzetsuing continues. i feel now stronger against than zerzetsung. and my cheer is back also:) i can laugh again. i feel cheerful again. after 5 years of trauma feeling.
continuum in time/soul means, i mean in trauma there is no distinctions of time where you dont have trauma and you have. there is only times you feel lesser trauma or more at extreme levels feeling of it.
trauma feeling always ubiquioustly takes over all soul/all em otions become thinkgin trauma when trauma happens. that only bare feeling in life becomes trauma feeling. scare from trauma moments feeling. now but i kind of healed i think. cause i started to laugh and this continuum feeling that this trauma taking all my soul all time feeling passed. i mean, you know in baseline of emotions, trauma feeling take over all my brain all years. now cheer is back. now i can laugh again. i mean in trauma also scare happens. now scare feeling is less. it felt like for many years, felt like its all pain. all scary. all uncheerful life. with no any single moment of cheer. but else all in protecting my self against zerzetsung mode. all in securing trying to secure my life mode. holding on to that feeling. other else feelings were all trauma feeling. last 3 years all like this. just hanging on to securing my life from zerzetsung (i ddnt understood its zerzetsung i newly learnt zerzetsung topic last 2 years) but i knew something evil happening to me were since i confront smear campaign with very nefarius deceptive ways to surroundings. i mean all my life consisted of trying to secure my life against deception of smear campaign i confronted, trying to secure life from slander/stalk. it all feeling baseline feeling of my life consisted of holding on to life very hard to protect my life from dishonesty i confront, dishonesty of zerzetsung. then all feelings were trauma feeling. but it started to change. i now dont scare any more from zerzetsung. and also my cheer is back. i dont any feel trauma filling up all my soul mood anymore. i feel cheer happiness moods are filling up my soul. trauma is a continuum like thing. i mean and it fills up all soul when happens. now since trauma is healing, i feel instead cheer and usual i mean my usual state is being cheerful, and i feel its back. i mean being cheerful/happy. i feel now strong against zerzetsung. whom is stronger? zerzetsung versus guh? guh is stronger than zerzetsung:) and i am not any in trauma feeling anymore. i am cheerful like before trauma. and i am from my soul holding much more shield against zerzetsung, much more stronger agaisnt zerzetsung. and also, without trauma feeling. though i am still agoraphobic. ubt at least a happy agoraphobic i am now. i am healing. an d i think all trauma feeling has gone from my soul. and i started to laugh again. like pre-trauma years. i feel as my soul is cleared out from trauma feeling:) and it feels amazing:) to feel cheerful back again:) to hve trauma feeling gone away from my soul. and i feel stronger than zerzetsung now:)
i want to clarify this continuum topic more: you know in daily life, we become happy sad so there is no continuum of any emotion right? but in trauma, all topic becomes trauma, there is only one emotion and its trauma. no more happiness, no more separate sadness topic other else than trauma's sadness. all topics in soul/emotionwise becomes feeling trauma consistently. now trauma feeling gone:) cheer is back:) and guh is 1000x more stronger against zerzetsung now:) i wont enter any time to trauma mode furtherly. i am immune to trauma of zerzetsung now. whatever else i would confront in zerzetsung, i m shielded internally to trauma now. i would fight against zerzetsung happily now. not with trauma mode. happy mode guh. zerzetsung has no chance to put me to trauma mode again. i feel as trauma feeling goes away from my soul, it feels amazing. when trauma passed away from my soul, i feel as i have more sihelds now against zerzetsung. felt as i have shields in my soul defacto now:) i feel as trauma feeling wont visit my soula gain:) i feel i am shielded now against trauma feeling:) and i am 1000x more stronger against zerzetsung. i would continue to protect myself from slander with going outside least possible(cause the zerzetsung doer does any chance of seeing me outside to do slander do zerzetsung operations to me). but awhile i build my projects work on them(hackathon of algebras, planing to do create a measure and a new algebra on it). and but i am happy. i mean i want to say that. no more trauma feeling. i feel happy now. like i used to be. and much more shielded against zerzetsung. and a happy person i am now. like i used to be long before. before trauma feeling filled my soul all many years. anyway too many words i said on this., but feels really amazing. to be able to laugh again:) ti bve able to feel cheerful again:)
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