i went with bike to the cigarette shop to buy tobacco pipe than i regreetted since it took me very hard to bike. manyn times i went off. turns out i got used to electric bike and usual bike turns out hard since i am not athletic.

stalk slander incident happent inside one street and i think this is really nonwestern agencies backed and i think its torture. some people also said "create a law suit" but i dont know whom to sue. i dont know whom is this group of people that stalks slanders with GPS accuracy? how i can i use people that which seems to have gps skills (whihc means i think they are backed by a nonwestern agency).

i mean if i know whom they are i would go to a lawyer and sue. but i need detectiving resources to get to know them. i dont even know. but they seem to have GPS skills. i think some people from Turkey volunteraily investigated cause its the second time a person passed beside and said "create a law sue" sentence.  the topic is i dont know whom are torturing me. i think i confronted and continue to confront a torture. i think in modern times people torture people with stalk/slander. its second time a stranger told in street "create a law sue". in Turkish they said so i udnerstood some Turkish people investigated and thanks alot to them. but i personally i dont know whom is stalking slandering me. i wish i have chance to get to know. but i think the stalkers slanderers are visibly backed by a nonwestern agency. on today's mom and dad call, as i told the torture word mom said dont tell these topics on phone. i told mom and said dont care. and said life is short. and not need to waste your valuable time with caring such things like stalk slander. mom said dont care. in street its second time 2 strangers said, "sue/create sue".  but i dont any know whom to sue. i got tortured for 5 years. it started in sisli. i hadnt understood i were slandered in first 1.5 years. or even 2 years. in one instant i observed also some Western people offered USA VISA which meant West side also detected and tried to help. (but i hadnt understood by then. i had no idea i were confronting torture of stalk slander by then. i was thinking i had a severely psycho type stalker). its really weird. its second time a stranger in street passing by said "create a legal sue". (from 2 Turkish people). 

 

i think my stalker is from Sisli. even if Sisli is a very lovely place. it started there and happent for 5 years. and people whom stalk have had GPS skills which makes me think they are backed by a nonwestern agency. due to various sentences told in stalk incidents. 

i am sorry but i think going to NGO wont violate any behavior i think. i mean i dont have secrets and if i had i wouldnt tell. i mean i want to report this torture i confronted (5 years ago USA people tried to help to save me fromit. with saying USA visa. but i were unaware of the torture i confronted by then and i ddnt understood that instant. i were completely unaware by then that i confront stalk/slander type torture.)  i think it wont violate any behavioral rule. i think upon 2 strangers saying "create a legal sue" i would go to amnesty NGO to report the torture situation. to double check if mom and dad's advises are correct. mom and dad always says dont care. but maybe since 2 strangers in street told "create legal sue" maybe its sometopic to be not reacted like mom and dad says. since my life years were stolen and they are doing the stalk slander torture still. i think i would visit amnesty NGO. and i dont think it violates any thing. since its nothing related. i hadnt had a chance to work in wortld's one security institution. i have no secrets and this is nothing related to that topic. and beside USA people tried to save me from the torture 5 years ago. but i were unaware by then. so i mean its nothing related to anysuch topics. so i dont think going to NGO and investigating my situation on how to react to being tortured seems as a nice idea to me. i think i would get some holiday request on next week and would attend ask consultation of NGO. and beside my life in Berlin is very comfortable. i mean but this is not about Berlin either. and i do think torture like topics could be only solved either via secret services or NGOs. so since in street 2 strangers at different times told "create legal sue" i would start investigating how to learn how i could learn whom is stalking slandering me. i dont know if i would be able to. but i would as told thinking of going to NGO. as 2 strangers told "create legal sue" word in street to me. its the second time this happent.  i wish everyone a great year. and i wish myself of solving this topic. 

its my life could be comfy. and thanks alot to having had a chance to get work vISA here. and sorry for carrying my torture problem to here also. i think my torturers are nonwestern agencies backed. (as they had GPS skills. they stalk slander everywhere i went whenever i went out). i am sorry for carrying such topic to here also. but its unrelated to Berlin either. its i think nonwestern agencies backed or a psycho from sisli (sisli is an amazing place but very very populated. and i guess psycho situations happens in big cities since population is high. i am very sorry for having carried my being stalked slandered problem to here. but i think world is a vast place and i think i wish this place becomes the place where this issue is resolved. on phone mom and dad always says dont care. dont care. bla bla. bla. bla. i think i would ask consultation from amnesty org officials to double check if mom and dad are right to say uncare. from outside my life looks very comfy. but when you are tortured hiddenly by hidden forces (i think backed by nonwestern agencies) even if your place is warm/your food is ok, but thaft doesnt fix the tortured status of soul. i mean being tortured hiddenly is some topic i dont think mom and dad exactly understand. cause they ask me to go to courses to create a life but how can i go to courses when i scare to go outside since the stalkers have GPS skills. i mean mom and dad seems not understanding how hard it is to be tortured with stalk/slander. right now i eat butter cookies, my food is ok, my flat is lovely, i bought a new pc (intel mini), oi work peacefully in my flat to my projects and my life is peaceful. but this is the only part of my life. i dont go outside. cause the stalkers have GPS skills. i think nonwestern agencies backed. i dont know what to do? mom and dad says dont care, dont any care. i am some times in mood of lets finish the simulation. but then sometimes the unfairness of being tortured feeling completes my soul and i want to go to NGO to consult/ask. 

the stalkers do the ugliest form of lies. and stalk/slander/harrass/smear campaign. mmom and dad says go to courses, language courses etc and create friends and dont care the stalk slander incidents. i dont know what to do? should i listne mom and dad? or shouold i listen 2 strangers saidf in street to me and passed by "create legal sue" they said. but the issue is i dont know whom is stalking slandering me. it started 5 years ago. and i hadnt even understood i am slandered i just thought i had stalkers. 

sometimes i just want to go to NGO and tell every of these incidents. i think i might. cause this is not normal. being tortured is not any normal. being stalked/slandeered is not any normal. it should be fixed. and mom and dad lacking power to fix that doesnt mean i should fololw their dont care advise. i think NGO like people unlike mom and dad have power against torture like situations. maybe i should go to a therapist and ask what to do from therapist. 

maybe therapist would let me get over the scare of going outside. (i did outside today but again scared to go outside). and would help me better than mom and dad's advises. i love mom and dad so much. but i think they dont understand torture and life doesnt exist at the same time. they want me to continue my life and not care the stalk slander. but i dont think its easy like that. torture and life doesnt exist at the same time. i should stop this being tortured situation. i would go to NGO and tell all those stalk/slander incidents. and ask for detectiving help to me. so that i have a chance to fight back to the torture i confronted/confront without nihiliating it. and i am very sorry i bring such topic to this lovely city. its also unrelated to Berlin. i recenlty came here(has been 1 year) but this topic happens for 5 years. i remember 5 years ago some people sat beside a desk and said USA VISA so i think some people from there understood the situation of torture and tried to help 5 years ago. but i were unaware i were tortured by then. anyway. its not related to Turkey either. i like Turkey's people also alot. like other places like here. Turkey is also a very nice country. i lived awesome years there. and torture is not related to there either. its countriless torture topic is not any related to anhy country. just one suspect is nonwestern agencies. or its just a psycho type stalker from sisli i dont any know. i just saw i got consistently stalked/followed/slandered. like with as if they had GPS skills. 

i would decide inside the week to go to NGO or not. i am biased to go to. i would ask leave request next week for a day and would consult amnestyorg's help. or just would tell them and ask what to do. or maybe they would also suggest mom and dad's advise saying its not important then i would say ok. but maybe they would not thinkits not important and would help with detectiving support. mom and dad says there might happen psychos sometimes stalk/slander happens and one shouldnt let life gone unhappy due to that. i would ask NGO;'s opinion. if they also think suggest to uncare,, then i would do alike. yupp i would definitely go consult amnestyorg. for to tell about 5 years stalk slander incidents and consult what to do. 

i bought myself the tobacco pipe from a tobaccos/spirits/gins shop. in Stieglitz. it costed much less than i intended to spare. i bought also zippo which looks very cool. but i saw that i hadnt liked the tobacco topic as i tried. normal cigar doesnt nhave such flavor. i disliked. seemingly i wont like tobacco pipe. anyway now that i have a nice zippo (and i bought from angebot part of the shop which means normally zippos are 40-50 Euros but i bought it to 25 Euros. from angebot section. but turned out i ddnt liked the flavor of tobacco named topic. not any slightest level. bogk level. i even felt it took away the taste of food. tobacco is not for me.  anyway but then i have a nice looking zippo now. but i also burnt my thumb's part whilst trying to light the tobacco in pipe. not from flame but from hot part of zippo as i had to stay zippo open alot. i liked zippo :) ok returning to cigarettes. tobacco created bogk (untasty) reactions in my visibly non-connoiseur tastes. 

yayyy continueing studying. i last day found it very lazy to collect that mess of papers of tyhermodynamics that since i hadnt stapled (i dont have but i would buy) it spreads pages got unordered. today now studying finishing time starts. i wish this becomes my latest month per this hobby project's implementation. 

ok i felt again down with the trauma during morning. i think i feel better now. everytime i go outside i scare of going. i shouldnt had gone with bike. ok this december means 1 month more half work from home week. so 2 weeks taxi two weeks study from home. ok i wish simulation gets built by these two weekends. 

i might postpone going to  NGO and first go to theraphy. alas againw with taxi. ok lets iterate faster this weekend. or lets go to NGO. yupp. i would definitely go. not postponing any second. because torture doers should be made responsible for what they have done. as 2 strangers (i wonder whom they are) told create sue, i would upon learning whom they are. it started 5 years ago when i dont have any blog. its unrelated to any blog readers. even if not any done by stasi, it were no less different. not done by Turkey either. but whomever the responsibles at least this torture would be shared to NGO. with telling all what happent. its either i were tagged as a spy and got tortured by nonwestern sideds. or i were disliked either due to my view or my clothing.  I would not silence my voice any in this. and would ask help of amnestyorg. or ask their consultation. as 2 strangers told sue, i would sue whom did this to me. after learning whom they are. i think its either nonwesterns backed. (sicne they stalked slandered with y1/y2 alot) (that i were tortured for being thought as a spy alike) or its just a narcisstic sociopath from sisli. (sisli is very populated, a very very populated district of a city of 20 million. its ok i mean. ) nothing less than stasi like tortures happent. even if not done by stasi. so i am stopping listening mom and dad's advises and going to amnesty.org. to tell every bit every detail of every stalk slander incident happent. as the unknown stranger (i guess might be an agent or investigator) suggested, i would create a legal sue. 

 

ok thought and thought:

but i am not after revenge. i just want to have restraining order on the stalker/slanderers. i dont want to sue to get revenge. my life has no time for revenge. i am not a person who gets satisfied with revenge. i just want the trauma feeling to end. and for that to end, i think even going to NGO would might mean restraining order on the stalk/slanderers. i dont any know. i would ask theirs consultation.  i am not any person who likes any revenge. i just want the lies to stop. i just want the stalk/slander to stop. i just want my ptsd also to stop or agoraphobia to stop.  i think after going to ngo and after consultation i think issues topics would might happen that might solve the agoraphobia, that i might receive detectiving help. you should observe it, this time: stalk slander incident happent in an inner street. they are like they know my GPS. i know it feels unbelivable to you. but really like this. some minute i turn to become like my mom and dad and staying in i dont care mood. mom and dad says dont care, dont spare time dont spare emotional time. dont even think they say. some minute i am like that, that this trauma feels very little that it doesnt disturb. but sometimes it happens that i felt lost in trauma that i lie on my beanbag just in unhappy sad mode. or scaring the hell level when i go outside. i mean my trauma feeling is not consistent. sometimes i am in trauma sometimes i am not. i dont know what to do. mom and dad says dont care. but i think going to NGO is also an option. I dont any know what to do.  for instance right now trauma feeling passed. and its like i think like mom and dad. but half an hour ago it werent like that. 

 

 

ok i think i would go to NGO. 

 

and i observe i am much more weaker emotionally when i am in menstruation period:S i am not crying mood other days like this.  

i just wish noone confronts trauma in their life. its really hard. the trauma type i confronted all years is very hard. 

ok one topic i should do go to therapist. and other thing i should do go to NGO.  

to tell every part of the torture i confronted. 

============

its very weird. the trauma feeling is not consistent. it feels very much trauma at times then i find myself out of trauma. i never were like before. now that trauma feeling healed mostly, (before there were constant trauma feeling all month) in days i feel trauma its not consistent. i 10 minuts ago feel under trauma 10 minutes later ok lets take back this thermodynamics texts stuff. i am not any bipolar normally. its just my life really has been very hard. but lets solve. i would go to NGO.

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ok life would be back to normal again. i wish i find detectiving help to catch stalk slander incidents. i dont want any revenge. i am not a person who likes revenge. i just want the stalk/slander to stop. so i need detectives and i need to create restraining order. and thats why i would go to NGO. even sueing would make me sad ccause would make me remember the pain of torture. i mean to me revenge means honestly nothing. and i dont want other people to feel pain since they made me enter trauma with stalk/slander with doing psychopathy against me. i feel neither revenge nor any feeling other than the feeling of agoraphobia when i go outside. and sometimes depressed. (specifically in menstruation period times).  i am not a person type who likes revenge any. i just want my life to be happy. to do that; i need to get detectiving help. to stop these people doing these stalk/slander acts.  its a two path way: either i become impatient and go to NGO. or i stay patient and build product asap and then hire detectives myself. i dont any know.

 

 

i hated this new stage of trauma on menstruation days. that most of the days i felt ok. but on menstruation days ( not that i am any bipolar) today  i felt  very different mood swings like one instant very traumatized feeling other instant i dont any care the trauma mood. 

i think i would surely go to therapist.  

maybe therapist and i together go to NGO afterwards. yupp.

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ok i think i would go to therapist. and i think before going to NGO i would go to therapist and we together go to NGO afterwards. i shoould find a therapist. 

i dont like my super intellgnt brain (not in memory(i am a very bad in terms of memory wise, i mean maybe 70 iqqued in memory wise i mean runtime memory, my long time memory is strong but gets impacted by aging)  wise but in plasticity wise (learning wise) ) to be impacted by chemicals :P ;) (i like talking such stuff sometimes to show that life is not that hard in this guh named sillys side i mean blog has been very sad, i wanted to add some smileys etc)

so i would try to get over trauma full cognitive. no helper medicine. i already got over trauma alot. i mean before all days were like with trauma feeling. now its lesser. but i think as the traumatizing condition resolves (which is stalk/slander) agoraphobia would also resolve.  ok lets solve this problem step by step. firsts therapist. then i guess even therapist would his or herself would also come wiht me to the NGO after i tell how i got stalked/slandered. or maybe i would get over trauma of it and would feel like mom and dad said. i dont any know. but i think i would first go to therapist. 

God if exists, please protect people from stalk/slander with GPS capability set (i am pretty sure it were done by nonwestern agencies and still.). (i mean i wish God protects people from stasi like stuff even if in my cases its not any stasi) (I mean i wish if God exists i wish God protects people from torture). 

ok i feel better now.

i thought i were healed from trauma. the emotional status of menstrtn. period made it worse. ok. 

 

feelign better now.

i hated this stage of healing of trauma that: i found mood swings on menst. period.

i like being strong against trauma feeling. i hated this menst. period's this days where i found myself very weak and repercussions of trauma feeling.

which hormones are happning in menstruation period :S? they make feel trauma get to visible. i mean if there is some scar inside, it aches.(i mean trauma).   

i hated this menst. period making me very weak against trauma. but its getting lesser and lesser its 3rd day i think. 

ok i felt as if i were out of trauma feeling right? most of time. menstr. period it repeated again. so i understand hormones in menst. period lowers the serotonin/dopamin levels and makes some scars to hurt. i hated this hormones change. 

ok i am glad that i am healing from trauma and becoming stronger against. but definitely not on menstruation days:D on those days this strenght went away:D

ok i think iw ould be stronger against trauma feeling tomorrow better. i am sorry for these dramatic reflections about my trauma from my blog recent days that is aligned with menstruation period. i see that menstruation period somehow makes trauma ache. i mean normally i am strong against it. i am like ok this guh is ok. i am not like everyday lost in trauma feeling before. and i make even fun of stalk slander incidents. i am that much ok strong against trauma normally. but menstruation period broke it all. and i became very weak mooded and trauma ache ached with all its strenght. even creating weird mood swings like 10 minuts of trauma feeling 10 minutes later saying ok it passed i am ok. 

ok this would pass. i need to figure out staying my serotonin dopamin level strong on menstruation days. i thought i were ok. in menstruation days i saw i am not ok on this trauma topic. 

,more serotonin more dopamin please:) i hated this depressive sad mode on this menstruation period i observed. normally hadnt passed like this. ok this all would pass. trauma would heal sometime. at least its better now. i am nearly all days out of trauma nowadays. before i were every day inside trauma. now its not like that. i need to figure out some way to heal trauma. i think first is therapist. second i need to maybe add sports and maybe some fun to my life other than projects. like jogging in nature. findingf some travel groups and jogging etc. or boating. i mean i need to support the brain to heal of trauma. without dramatizing the stalk slander incident. 30 minutes ago i were lost in dramatizing the stalk slander incidents/incident. i should stop this dramatizing behavior that belongs to depression. i dont konw i thought it were healed. trauma were healed. i mean iddnt cared the stalk slander incidents anymore. i said. i am ok now. i dont enter trauma like i used to. but in this menstruation peirod i guess somehow serotonin dopamin got lower and i found myself dramatizing the hell level the stalk slander incidents. its hard. stalk slander incidents is hard. but normally i dont any care anymore most of the time (except recent days of this menst. period). 

ok even i got stalked slandered, i should learn to get out of agoraphobia. first thing is this. 

second, i should get a drivers license. (to be able to travel) (to buy a car)

third, i should add some sports. eat more protein (serotonin dopamin). and if i figure out myself doing that over dramatizing and crying, i should instantly stop or try to stop and remember myself its a depression behavior and should fix it. 

i didnt dramatized last months i were healed. but this menstruation peirod i again dramatized. cause this thing i went through is really hard. 

 

fourth: going to a therapist and telling all stalk slander incidents. maybe then me and therapist togehter later go to NGO. or maybe makes me think like my mom and dad whom want me to uncare/not care the stalk slander incidents. either way is ok to me. 

ok some fish time for more serotonin. i observed i ate very less meat last weeks (since i loved celery+yoghurt very much) and i see maybe even eating meat makes brain safer against trauma when one went through trauma with keeping up serotonin dopamin levels high. ok i am eating more meat. noon: i ate meat of rind (i dont know its english, steak but thin  type. ) dinner: fish. ok switching to a very high protein index diet. to secuer the serotonin dopamin  levels :) healing of trauma as i observe needs lots of action items. and even including diet.

i feel much better now. 

ok then i would also visit therapist to tell all stalk slander incidents. (and if therapist later thinks needs going to NGO then we would go. or maybe would think like my mom and dad that there is no need to NGO and just i shouldnt care)

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fish cooking time.

 

i hated this depressive moments related to this menstruation period:S 

 

no more celery yoghurt obsessed diet. more and mroe meat for a while i would have my food as (steaks/fish etc). since i had a hard life and i think my silly brain needs enriched serotonin dopamin to handle through. 

 

yayyy i think i hated this special menstruation period where change in my hormones made trauma scar ache.   a special menstruation period. before periods werent like that. this one special. made me enter to depressive mood:S (maybe i ate too much celery? :) ) i mean other menstruation periods werent like this. this special one:S hated this one. 

ok i know it feels disgusting but maybe i mix fish with meat in owen? :D :DD (to enhance serotonin/dopamin level:D) ojk i feel already ok. and i hated this special menstruation period :S special one :D deprived me from serotonin/dopamin little bit:D as i observe i entered dramatizing mood alot this day last days. 

ok maybe meat i ate in noon started to work now. i think i really need a protein rich diet. i ate near to none meat last weeks (mostly celery like stuff.) (sometimes i ate fish but very little portion (schnitzel lwith small portions))

i am sorry for reflecting my depressive trauma ache to blog and takoing yours time with my dramatization of events incidents related to trauma. i am sorry i were depressive mooded this menstruation period. as you know i am normally since i mostly healed of trauma not like this. i dont do depressive dramatization thing most of the time. (as last many months i mostly healed of trauma) but this special edition of menstruation really impacted me (maybe i lacked meat since i loved ceklery like foods so much)

i am really sorry for taking readers reading time. if they read, they could skip when they see i entered dramatizing mode. :D i definitely were inside such mood due to menstruation period soimehow this time impacting my brain and yeah. ok traumatic moments are hard. but i dont even like to blog about it normally. as you peiople observed, trauma topics started to take very little part in my blog (aligned with my healing) but excluding this special edition menstruation period that messed up healing and i found my blog all crying mood which i disliked. 

ok cooking fish time. further week's diet plan: all meat. and beside could be vegetables. but noon and dinner also would include meat.  

i am very sprry for reflecting my trauma pain to readers:S i am very sorry. i would definitely make sure i eat enough meat/fish next weeks so this wont repeat. 

 

 

(and i would go to therapist). (and tell the trauma to therapist instread of blog) as visibly trauma had started taking less portion of my blog. except this special edition menstruation period:SS 

sorry for this batch crying filled blog parts last days. i would never again blog when i feel trauma. and instead go to a therapist. since i felt its inapproiprate to take readers time with my trauma:S i am sorry for it:S

normal blog: 

i really think the meat i ate really impacted the situation. i see that lack of protein really impacts brain hormones? i guess veggie people eat a very rich set of diet to handle it and most posisbly their diets are more healthier. but surely definitely i would switch to a protein rich diet. since i saw i cnt make the vegetqable diet nutritients wise sufficient since i just eat the same vegetables:) one day celery + yoghurt. other day celery+another vegetable. but just like this. and in morning i were eating: i have nice breakfast. i chop tomatoes. green fresh onions, very hot paprikas, lemon juice + olive oil + sallt and i add salt to it. and then put cheese over it i spread two sheets of cheese. then wth the 34 calories bread replacement baked bread like stuff. my breakfast most of the time includes this and its very delicious. specifically olive oil + lemon + hot paprika is very delicious. then i ate smome vegetables and yoghurt and garlic mix. spmoedays tiny fish portions. anyway. switching to more protein diet. even if my fav food is yoghurt/celery/sgarlic mixture. 

so cooking a nice dinner wiht lots of meat time. then i would do some exercises. then would continue studying project and reading about physics libraries. 

i am in modeling the spherical 3d volume of air and  gravitation of earth against it stuff. and its very fun part. to devise:) yayy :) more fun part is: using srtm of earth in calculation of gravity either. but it wont impact a lot. but still lets check build with considering that. this task's fun part comes from using srtm data:) a fun challenge to guh. to design & code this simulation part:) yayyy :)  first would model grativation. then would model the flow.

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i am severely ashamed for turning my blog to all trauma related talks. very sorry for that:S  wouldnt happen again since i would go to a therapist.

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(i am very sorry for reflecting my trauma. i would go to therapist. and wont like recent month (i reflected near to none trauma in blog recent months) wont reflect trauma.)

ok i really did it: i had put both fish schnitzel and thin steaks to owen :D i think i little bit exagerated protein rich diet switching :) surely would do some sports afterwards:) actually i am not hungry either. just due to link of serotonin and meat/fish consumption level. 

i think tobacco didnt worked out good in my health either. i feel dizzy. ok i am happy i didnt liked taste of cause really feeling dizzier. it felt so weird. so untasty. normal cigar is much better. 

anyone reading blog from Berlin i can give my tobacco utinsils i bought today. i surely wont use. cause ddnt any tiny bit liked the taste of tobacco. they written snetences like as if it has a nice flavor, i ddnt definitely liked it. and i feel like dizzy/drunk right now. even if i tried 4 or 5 hours ago. maybe dizziness also related to special menst edition which i disliked.