yayy i dont know why i woke up at 5:48 am today. then it came 06:30 fstly.
ok lets continue studying. then make some breakfast at 7:30 or alike.
it were amazing to go outside to balcony with a coffee right at 6:00am. :D (to wake up more :D its 0 degrees)
ok lets continue.
(ok reading in interested way now unlike yesterday.) (since topics are coming beside simulator related topics more. i saw that it starts (simulator's direct use case topics starts) at chapter 5).
self narratives i setup to break that frustration of yesterday night where i couldnt see any new math toolings in this area. when i read Planck, Bohr's findings i got somehow hopeful to see new types of maths that later years other p[eople devised new types of maths for those topics:P planck's related chapters excited me to get hopeful to see new types of maths which doesnt follow the usual xeno's paradox solution. this instant hope of figuring out new type of measures in further chapters got broken as i read there is no such stuff in later chapters. i got excited got instantly hopeful to see later chapters to see new measures but couldnt find out. this were the instant hope and frustration moments for last night but the frustration is gone now and i continue reading these topics in being also intersted right now. i really liked Planck/Bohr related chapters i think i would when i study measure theory again afterwards,, would reinit from Planck's findings/ its an interesting area to test new type of measure theories i think. i wish there exists more fun versions of maths current versions of xeno's paradox interpretations. but this postponed to 2 years later this measure theory related study or 1.5 year at least i think. since i also have other project ideas as i mentioned. like synthethic cow meat and synthethic vegetables production:) i mean molecular engineering applications. this be targeted as other project after first wind turbine project if succeeds. all be visible in other week. i mean i would see the feasibility of whether such type of wind turbine idea is feasible or not the other week. yuppp.
ok before starting some breakfast stuff. anyway happy that frustration feeling is gone. ok lets finish these studies asap to move to simulator codings asap to test if my idea is feasible further week asap. simulator should be ready by sunday or monday that i start coding configurations for to be tested idea and test it. (to see if is feasible or not) (the wind turbine design ideas that i wonder about)
ok sub chapters of chapter 3 started to become interesting.
chapter 3.7 became interesting :) i learnt average values of kinetic energy momentum wtr to quantum mechanics in this chapter. but the to be averaged values are limited in this conjugate based pdf tooling. but it works for all these stuff measured: kinetic energy / momentum/ position here. but not any other thing that is randomly created could be measured in this methodology beware of that:) not that you could create an averaging method based on this doesnt assure this would work in any other averaged values but for these energy/momentum and position values average calculations, this method would work surely :) i definitly find this method of averaging in this constructed probabiliuty distr. function very creative. ok chapters became interesting back again.
but i feel sleepy due to waking up early and would rest for a while.
i am happy that chapters became very interesting back again with the creativity i saw in averaging method yuppp.
its very very very creative methodology yupp. it made these quanta stuff interesting again. i started to relike quantum mechanics area now.
but would rest for a while some sleep then would resume studying. since i am sleepy.
ok so an amazing(exciting) day awaits with learning these very interesting topics to code my simulator better. yuppp. but want to rest/sleep now.
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(hey this guh might move to a lesser populated city if some topic progresses :) )
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yupp going to read chapter 4 recently. then there comes chapter 5. i think i also need to learn electromagnetics stuff also to some level, i would also study that.
ok last chapter of chapter 3. :)
yuppp chapter 4:)
ok turns out qm is not that challenging stuff. to have invented it must been challenging but to understand is definitely not any.
andi noted down planck's chapters to retry in future new math measure systems instead of this interesting/creative toolings developed in quantum mechanics area using normal usual math toolings. i mean point where planck said this is digital. it is. but people later then again created analog based digitalizing methodologies to define that quantas of energy. i thought maybe i would confront new math measure systems in those new chaptgers. turned out same analog maths is used to define that model. but those analog models turned out also very creative stuff. but i also expected some differnet measure systems at that point in chapters. but yet still very fun to read about it became after some period of some chapters. i think chapter 4 would be very fun to learn about.
i would wash my hair since replanning i made goes as planned(i replanned the simulator study to monday at most but this quantum chem learning study to not finish onyesterday but today, extended duration to include also today). i think i would manage to finish all these physical chem stuff today and even akka revising on today. then i would move to long range force systems like gravitation model which initially seems ok what is the topic of this kind of topic. but as studying continues might as well need to add one day more to physical chem learning stuff ok. i mean i might be thinking i would be able to accomplish today but i give 1 day more to replanning in case i cant accomplish today. ok. in such case my simulator might be ready on tuesday instead of monday. ok. but i think i have to learn know well all forces stuff before designing the simulator. including electromagnetism. so i thinki even when writing these sentences extended the domain knowledge study one day more to include also tomorrow. cause otherwise coded simulator might be working wrongly. it should be correct. ok goal is then to finish the physical chemistry stuff oin today and all remaining force systems like electro magnetics in detail and gravitational design part of the simulator on tomorrow. it wont be very late if simulator gets ready by tuesday. but it would be worser than lateness if it works incorrectly. ok. not any risking the to be built simulator with any type of incorrect design/formulation etc due to lack of domain knowledge. it should be working correctly. so that i should have the highest confidence to the simulator if it says the wind turbine design really works. i currently work on to increase my confidence level to the simulator i code. so not going to miss any knowledge of any force system out there including electromagnetics. i want even 3d printing the model be unnecessary even if i would test with prototyping. i want to trust to my simulator in some level that i wont even feel anxious on whether the prototype would work or not. so no matter how many days it passes to domain knowledge study its important to spare that period like it to have a simulator i could trust results of. if i were expert in physics i wont need to study these either i guess. anyway. i am very happy i am learning quantum mechanics now since it were sometopic i wondered to know about long before.
ok simulator to be ready by atmost tuesday then. by giving 1 day more to domain knowledge study ok. yupp. now since i made breakfast on 6:00am i would eat my noon prepare it like on 11:30am now. some noon time and washing hair time maybe or might i postpone hair washing to evening also either. ok.
ok i went over awesome chapters topics of all 30 chapters to conclude i really have to study all these chapters not miss single of them before coding wind turbine simulator. ok i would try to buy some cake or such stuff today to new year day. i definitely adored this chapters because it includes every knowledge that i could wonder about. one best physics or chemistry chapters i ever seen in my life this one is. this is an awesome thing this MxQaurre and Simon chapters being online. but i dont have time to study other chapters of other publishers there in this web service. but i think regarding simulator even only studying this resource would be enough. and i am undefineably happy for finally learning quantum mechanics it were a topic i always wondered about.ok this holiday passes awesome. ok i think today i would manage to finish these then tomorrow i would go over also gravitation potential related side/electro magnetics sides. then i would tomorrow night redesign iniitial design ideas ikn my mind of how akka system should be. it should be extendable to also include quantuma mechanics in future. but might as well start with kinematics based molecular dynamics initially. but should be easy to interchange and add quantum mechanics based computations also. i dont think initial simulator version would include quantum mechanics caclulations for calculating wave functions for atoms nucleu or electrons or bonding in molecules orbitals or their some behaviors but instead would use the approximations of lennard john and also others but yet still it should be easy to interchange that model with quantum mechanical model. ok i am so happy to find this source since enables me to design my simulator correctly and also enables me to learn about quantuym mechanics which were a definite unknown to me before. and has a very simple easy to track/understand language. i am severely happy for finding this knowledge source.
yayyy 3d printer's filaments (starch based so not unhealthy to nature not directly plastic i think it says natural starch based like that on the page i bought) are coming:D and if i had created gifts to my nephew it would be healthy but since they are away i cant send gifts from 3d printer. but i think i could gift them a 3d pritner so that they could print whatver they wnt. so further gift i would buy to nephew is 3d printer. i when nephew were baby, i everytime get back froim some place like different country etc, i always carried huge gift setto my nephew. now in last years i couldnt do that alot. but i didnt forgot her last birthday and bought lots of gifts. so i guess my furhter gift would be ordering a 3d printer to theirs family also so that they could print out whatever they want.
i wish these type of stuff (3d printers) existed when we werfe kid(i mean 20 years ago). i would had printed tons of toys instead of buying toys via my parents.
i guess they make it natural products(it shows corn starch on product page) since i think 3d printers are alot used for this purposes. i think it imght have been unhealthy if it were full plastic. and surely it would have been also unhealthy to the nature at all.
for me, i dont think i would use 3d printer alot excpt wind turbine poroject. cause i dont have any sculpting ideas any right now. but if i think of a creative vase or such or some sculpting type, surely i wont use clay this time and would buy a 3d vr kit and do the suclptiung on there and just print it. but i am not in sculpting mood. so 3d printer would be used initially just for wind turbine design prototypes. but if i were in a sculpting mood these months, i would also next month buy a vr kit, do sculotings in vr worlds and then print them. i think i wont ever use clay ever after for sculpting ever. cause it has its own hardnesses. but 3d modelling tools in vr kits must be easier than clay. anyway., not any in sculpting nor drawing mood. though i saw some tablets (drawing tablets) and got interested. might buy them. or not. i am not in drawing mood alot. but maybe tablets might recreate my interest to drawing again. maybe i should buy. cause its also very cheap(drawing tablets has l;ess than 50 Euro prices). ok this seemed as a nice idea to try. never had drawn with a tablet before. lets see. i would buy one but ont today next week i would buy. ok i know i am not in sculpting mood these months so i wont buy vr device recent months but i think i missed drawing activity for which i might buy a drawing tablet which is also quite cheaper than vr kits which i might later months buy when if i want to sculpt. i think i would not use clay for sculpoting again. anyone needs any clay i have lots of clay that i cant consume. i can give for free those clays i have. (since i am buyiung a 3d printer(its on the way) and i woud 3d print when i would sculpt instead of modelling in clay). (but i think that vr kits+3d printers stuff made clay named modelling technique outdated type of technique to me) (but i am not any sculptor surely. must sculptors have their own specific ideas on this. i talk like this but i am not any sculptor. but i figured out i hve some talent to suclpting in my clay tries. but stopped. since i started rpoject. but when if i resume sculpting hobby some day(if i feel like to sculpt in my free times, i dont think not these recent months maybe because i am very busy) i think i would this time 3d print the sculpture instead of modelling in clay. but definitely not any in sculpting mood these months. )
also i bought a keyboard which has also a trackpad since i study on beanbag on this holiday time and i also put the trackerball on beanbag and sometimes its very uncomfortable. now i bought 2 keyboards with their trackpads on themselves. so that coding on i5 from my sitting place is easier than it is. (i bought two different types. one resembles laptop configuration, other is usual keyboard but with a trackpad on right end of it. its first time i would try this keyboard type ever in mylife. i am excited for it. i also ordered some mocca coffee and also awaiting it alot since mine has finished. )
by the way i really liked this i5 named stuff. when i have spare money i would buy another one also.
printer and bike are coming following week i think. ok nice timing since i want to build prototype in 3d printer on 3rd week (this folowing week is week to build test the wind turbine design) (this first week (currenbt week) is to week to code the simulator) (plan to build this wind turbine project is like this:) )
my mocca maker has came. current one were degragaded so i bought a new one. b ut the mocca coffee hasnt came yet. ok.
back to studying awesome McQuarrie and Simon chapters. they really have awesome severely awesome chapters where they defined told quantum mechanics very easily very descriptively i truly liked this publishment in physics or physical chemistry.
chapter 5:D
ok :) i wish i could also buy printed version of this amazing McQuarrie and Simon publishment. ok i would buy:) i found :)
but not needing i think printed version asap. since there is this amazing web version also. oik i might buy later. postponing.
ok when one learns quantum mechanics one also wonders about: (but later)
ok.
i think i would prepare some food then would continue studying. ok i feel as i might if i get more performant might be able to finish study goal today.
then tomorrow electromagnetism and gravitation potential related stuffs to be read about (gravitation part is just design of simulator not to be studied but electromagnetics needs to be studied) then comes tomorrow the akka based design time but this time also with knowing molecular dynamics with every detail of it. so that possibility of making design err is reduced alot. ok. this is very exciting:) tomorrow is new year's eve right? ok i am happy i learnt qm before 2021 starts :) and i would also b ehappy to finish domain knowledge study for the project on new ytears' eve. ok since i everyday study i dont drink but tomorrow i would drink but not that much since other day i also need to study. i need to persistently study and build the simulator after tomorrow asap. i wish it gets ready by tuesday or at most on thursday. i think i could then test ideas i thought fdastly to check feasibility of designs i thought ot investigate feasibility of. i guess by other week's sunday i would hve an idea of whether my wind turbine idea is feasible or not. and i would also even from that time i could start invesdtigating aqlso synthethic cow meat production or synthethic vegetable design/production since i would have basics of an awesome simulator. but my feeling on wind turbine, i feel as the wind turbine product would turn out feasible. but noit known until simulated and shown to work with simulator. and also if simulator approves, also a prototype of desiugn would be created and tested i mean i would say it works only after simulator says it wokrs and alsoa fter prototype shows it works. until then the feasibility of the wind turbine idea i thought is completely unknown.
but now preparing some food time. a food type specific to new year's dinner. ok.
i prepared the food its in owen. hmm ok i wont need to cook tomorrow. i would buy some side dishes. some ready salads like stuff. ok i continue back studying to chapters. i were in chapter 5. ok but i think i would first eat dinner before. i think i became to very intersting topics in chapter 5. but first a very delicious dinner. of some owen food. i think i would prepare this food type alot later also. since it turned out easy.
ok oven food ddnt turned dwlicious since one spice ddnt fit. but salad were delicious. aha i tasted oven food secondly and tastes delicious now ok then in first i tasted wernt cooked yet. its turkey. but still i thnk this spice dsnt any fit. mybe ketchup wld mke tastier. ok i think not eatable.the spice dsnt fit.
ok i wld eat pizza on new years eve since food i cook dsnt taste delicious. i stupidalso cut my thumb when preprng onions. nope surely would order food to new years eve for not to start new year wth untasty food
ok wrting from my trackpad including keyboard that is wired. i bught specifically wred one. i think i might still use a connected track pad since this trackpad even works is not that much usable. but keyboard is awesome.
ok getting used to new keyboard. but i think i need a bigger trackpad than this. but keyboard is really awesome quality.
ok my mocca also came so some mocca baking time.
then i continue working on chapter 5.
ok i should finish nearly all studying today. or at least most important chapters. and finish studying on tomorrow.
ok i would also still connect my usual trackpad and use this on keyboard one only when there is no scrolling need. this one lacks cursor i wish it also had scrolling.
or i might modify qt webkit code to build my own browser with my own keybord events and have an keys based fast scroll feature. let this stay in mind. but even if fun to think about, i dont have time for it now. but i did such stuff such desktop appliction once to have webrtc work in a desktop app for an engineering/energy tasks compny.
or might modify linux of my mint somehow to scroll upon my way. hmm. this also seems nicer since it would have worked on every programme. i wished this keyboard had also scrolling mechanismin addition to trackpad.
ok some mocca time before continuing chapter 5 which has very interesting topics.
ok scroll feature is needed so i would also connect my trackpad like it used to be. otherelse it becomes hard.
ok i found out page up page down on this keyboard. its double up and double down. ctrl + double up key seq moves to top of page. ok good! but dosnt work on every page.
ok i setup my keyboard shortcuts to scroll on intellij so thats what most is needed.
ok got used to this trackpad and everything is ok after i configred keyboard shortcuts in intellij
mocca time then would continue chapter 5.
ok in chapter 5 we instanjtly moved to moleculer bonds potential energy interpretatin to classical and quantum interpretatons and its relaton to infrared spectometry. and also the forbiddable energy state changes topic popped up utiliing dipole moments of the molecule. ok. a taylor series defining the probability of change of state in between dfferent eigenstates is defined using dpole moment def with taylor series. ok.
there are stll unclear parts. like using angular momentum in some part. i would reread those parts.
secondly this concept of forbiddable energy state changes is very very interesting cause i think i didnt expected this from these orthonormal functions. i mean havng these fitting to that obsred behavior is really interesting. does this wavefunction solution works for all molecules forbiddable energy state changes in nature or is ths a coincidence for just only this case. if nto a coincidence, either ths wavelenght function is special one with such behavior. i mean does these allowed state changes of observed phenomena always matchs up witht eh selected wave functions. us this a forced coincidence (designed by wavelength function's design beign designed critically to support this, this must be also like this ) but still were a shocking finding to read about this chapter 5.5's this definitions/part.
ok it must be designed to enable that step wise 1 energy level change constraint. or 1 eigenstate change constraint. ok. on the other hand, i truly liked the relation to electromagnetism(that i hadnt studied yet) with relating dipole moment chnge to absorption of photon.wov. now i understand how quantum mechnically such molecule behaves when spectometry happens and absorption happens. i wish i dont forget these info soon. its very nice relation there to have dipole moment change to the transition momentum. ok. this i would spend little bit more time to think on. cause is amazing part of ths framework. its not a coincidence but a design forced design by this framework's designers as i see to align with planck's observations. ok. i jsut tried to bind in my mind to electromagnetism of why this could be like this. this is an observation adn encoded to the frameworkvia this transition moment feature that were added by qm designers visibly to support their framework along with observatiosn. but why. i mean why we need dipole moments to exist. in a molecule with no dipole moment, why it doesnt absorp. i mean the real reason why this doesnt happens is what. not meaning the psuedo reasons told by the designed framework. its not the real reason. ok. this be a note to myself to think on. but this is really weird. (as visible i dont accept any theory as the underlying actual framework. but surely qm is a very realistc one but in the end it doestn define why this IR behavior behaves like this )
i learnt tons of stuff from chapter 5.5. like that photon absorption either results in change of vibrational or anglar rotational oscllation change. ok.
ok lost my focus during chapter 5 but its vry important chapter. there are 25 chapters left after chapter 5 finishes. ok seems as i would spare entre day tomorrow also. with postpining simulatr be ready date to wednesday i wish i get lesser adhd and study more performant tomorrow. my head stopped working at 5.5 i gave a long pause before 5.5 maybe because of that or maybe i were tired. but i stopped there. but that chapter 5 is very important.
rest time.
woke up at 7am.
i hadnt opent music noise sound last night when i sleep. i think i really got big steps out of trauma. though i opent noise sound on morning but its ok of there would be remnant some ptsd still. but i am happy for taking big steps out of ptsdtrauma feeling. last day for the first time i felt stronger really and discovered my inner strength. and made a lot of fun of those 100 iq less slanderers myself. i think they are 100 iq less then me due to the stalk slander incidents contents. they slander an engineer a coder person with most impossible lies (as a bitch as a mafia like things) due to their lack of rationality of doing such slander against an engineer person i think they must be 100 iq less than me. for due to their lack of rationality. i think also making fun of them as low iqqued imbeciles makes me get over trauma also. since i mean, in my life, i do thinks like building projects or traveling or partying like going to ibiza when if i could, but looking to those imbecile slanderers they do acts like "slandering people torturing people with slandering them with most impossible lies". and this makes me think they are 100 iqqued less by just checking what kind of difference me and my slanderers have. everything my slanderers does in these 5 years of stalk slander with most impossible lies makes me concluded they arfe retard level low iqqued people whom can do nothing in life other than torturing other people with slandering them with most impossible lies. i dont know why but making fun of them as low iqqued imbeciles makes me feel more relaxed of trauma situation. maybe because my life years were stolen from me my life years peace were stolen from me with slandering me wiht the most impossible lies. maybe because of this i like this makign fun of how low iqqued they are. trust me being slandered stalked for 5 years systemmeatically, that you get out everytime you got slandered stalked like stuation if ever happent to you, you would understand how harsh period it has been. i dont think noone whom never confronted such thing would never understand how harsh it is. that people whom did this to me had gps power. they stalked slandered me everytime i went out. they had available people power constantly to utilize in slanderng activities. if this happent to you, you would understand also how harsh such period could be. but i discovered my inner strength specifically last day. as i compare what i do in my life versus slanderers. i think they are pretty low iqqued people. since they do activities like slandering people with most impossible lies and they do these street theathre acts for 5 years. this thing i confronted, i just dont thnk you blog reader would any understand how harsh it is. it happens like, you go outside, a people passes beside you with slandering you with the ugliest lies (mafia/bitch) and think that this happens everytime you went out. these people doing these tries to deceive surrounding as if you are the slander type with sometimes shouting sentences that would be shouted to the slander type or saying such sentences that would give assign you the completely bullshit lie slander role. i mean they try to forcefully assign an untrue slander to you with saying sentences that would be said for slander type while passing beside you. or from street shoutings like things. they try to constantly deceive surrounding as if you are the slander type. this happent to me for 5 years. i dont think you would any understand how harsh it is. i got slandered with the most impossible lies. i have reasons to believe this torturing me with slandering em were dne by an unknown nonwestern country. due to stalk slander contents for some years stalk slander incidents.
but last day i got big steps out of trauma feeling. for the first time i started to feel safe really. and started to discover my inner strength and felt very powerful. i felt those nano brain holding stalkerslanderers (since they slander a person wth the most impossible lies) as nano brain holding people and made inside analogies to their impacts being as quanta effects to my life that i felt like mountain size versus quantum world sizes (related to brain power of me versus psycho type of stalkerslanderers ) and for the first time in this trauma topic, i really innerside started to feel powerful against them. before this topic all traumatized me. last day for the first time i started to really feel i am powerful. before i felt very weak against this trauma i cofnronted. even if i blogged as if i dont care i cared or even if i ridiculed stalekr slandeerers their slander traumatized me very bad before, for the first time i really started to feel powerful against this last day. last day for the first time i felt powerful against the character assasination/demlition i confronted which were severely cruel. and i even felt more powerful against them even if i think an unknown nonwestern country did this to me. i mean, even if i am a single individual whom were stalked slandered by a group of people whom had gps skills, people power and money power to pursue that stalk slandering process for 5 years, even if they were many and i were i am one, for the first time, i felt really powerful against them last day. before even if i blogged i feel powerful nor even if i ridiculed about slanderers, i honestly didnt feel like any nonscaring from the demolition i confronted. i mean even if i ridiculed the slandeerers in my blog, i also felt severe fear of the character assasnation (with most impossible lies) that happent to me. but for the first time yesterday i felt more powerful against them,. i felt powerful like a mountain and felt they are like nano world entities. i mean wtr to our inner power our brain sizes in contrastng me and versus my slanderers. due to just lookig what kind of things we do in life. me: building projects, having fun in life with traveling (before i had agoraphobia), sometimes when i were young also partying, other than that making my life from being working as a coder to soft. engineering firms. looking to slanderers for what they do int heir life as i observe from stalk slander incidents: stalking a person for 5 years and slandering her with most impossible lies. and doing this persistently for 5 years. ii think they must be either 90 or 100 iq levels. i think not 100 but i think i am at least 60 iq higher than them. by just looking what kind of topics we do in life. what kind of goals we have. my goals in life is living life, traveling, building projects etc. their goals in life: torturing a person with slandering her with most impossible lies. so these type of stuff makes me think we have huge iq difference wtr me and my slanderers. its just so surreal. i confronted some topic like even not were done by any stasi, it were like stasi. i mean peopkle following you stalking you slandering you. i just cant define how horrific it is. they do shout you sentences like as if you do mafia stuff like things in life. they do shout things of complete bullshit lies. and they do this with gps skills. a destruction effort of a person entirely her existence with slandering her. and assisting that with street theathres. with shouting sentecnes that would be said to the slander role thats fabricated to me. shouting things you would never ever do nro would ever need to do in life. but this happens constantly to me for 5 years. i dont think you blog reader would ever understand how hard period it were. i think only people whom confronted stasi would understand. not that stasi any did this to me either. i think an unknown nonwestern country did this to me. due to stalk slander incidents contents. but for the first time in my life's years last years, i really started to get bigger steps out of trauma yesterday. and i really started to feel powerful against ths yesterday and made a lot fun of those imbecile slanderers whm tried to torture me with slandering me with most impossible lies. their main mechanism in that is: this torture's main mechanism is like: they shout say a sentence with trying to depict you as doing a mafia thing. i mean this type of torture's main mechanism is trying to deceive surrounding with trying to show you as the fabricated type with a street theathre act, where they shout you sentences trying to depict you as the slander type, and its actually a torture to the slandered person, cause in that moment you scar ealot outside people would believe that lie. and you stress alot. and you scare alot. for scarign people would believe to their lie/slander. and this torture happens like prolonged periods. i mean they neverendingly do this torture for 5 years. they do shout requests of very uglyr equests that are impossible. they do slander with impossible things you would never do. but this is done perpetually for 5 years. with them reaching no goal. but their main goal as i observe is to deceive surrounding outside people as if you are a person that would ever do things they shout. they try to deceive the surrounding as if you are the slander type of a person. this happens for 5 years to me. people whom does this to me, have gps skills. it happent everytime i went outside. my life's last months i started to really get out of trauma. and last day also. i also today dont feel trauma and i feel severely powerful against those psychopath slanderers whom could slander a person with most impossible lies for 5 years. being slandered for 1 years or 2 years i heard from peole. but never heard any story of anyone slandered fr 5 years. its trauma has been horrific. luckily i hadnt understood i am slandered for first 1.5 years but those time were also horrific because i were constantly stalked cursed but i didnt even understood the slander part by then those years. anyway. those years fierst 1.5 years i wold think i have some stalkers that stalk me everywhere in outside and also from building's vicinity. a constant stalekr issue i thought it as like that by those years. anyway. they constantly stalked and slandered me wth most impossible lies. with constant trying to slander me with most impossible lies that would never do in my life nor would ever need to do also. i mean their lies also lack severe degree of rationality. but i really really started to get out of trauma and take bigger steps out of ptsd last day. and i started to feel safe and started to feel lesser scared. i were before trauma a very cheerful person also whom plans travelign a lot. thatcheer started to come back. i feel very energetic and cheerful. for instance last day i ddnt felt any ptsd. ok noise sound is again open. there is ptsd remnant. but cheer is back. i feel like again like cheerful like the person i used to be before ptsd happent to me. i feel like more powerful now. and dont scare. and i feel more secure. and i feel i fidn back my cheer again like the cheer level i used to have before i entered to trsauma feeling. and i feel even still ptsd not that much ptsd like i used to be for last 3 years. ths topic started long years ago. i had none blog even by then. noone in internet even knew my existence by then. i mean this is unrelated to any blog readers. due to stalk slander incidents contents i belive it were done by an unknown nonwestern country. this topic has none relatedness to any blog readers. i wish noone ever confrtonts organized slandering effort for 5 years. its trauma felt horrific. i mean being tried to be destroyed with being slandered with most impossble lies. but weirdly i really got out of trauma with bigger steps specifically last days. i feel more secure. i feel stronger against. as i discover my inner strength against.
ok i feel much less trauma. i did shopping from zeroth floor market. i bought some pastry to new year eve. anyway i dont know but my cheer is really back. i mean my cheerful mood. i started to feel less scare. and feel more powerful against. its very traumatc and scary to confront organzed slandering process. which happent for 5 years to me. i dont know if any one confronted that long years of such type of torture of slander in their life. anyway. but my cheerful mood is back. and i feel much more stronger against. and i dont even want to blog most of the time about this topic. i constantly blogged when trauma were in severest form. now i dont even want to spare effort to mention.
ok today morning started very happily. i did awesome shopping bought vegetables fruits pastry and food i lacked needed to buy before weekend. and i liked that i ddnt scared of going outside today when going to zeroth floor shop. some days passed with even being scared of 1 meters going outside. i feel now as even agoraphobia reduced. and i feel much more stronger agaisnt. and i feel much more secure. i mean my inner security feeling is also getting back. and my cheerfulness mood is also getting back.
And :D i am also very excited for my wnd turbine productg:D even more than that i figured out i fell in love to moleculer engineering area. and pyhscis such areas. i dont think stuff happens like they theorized with quantum theory i dont believe in entire definition set of qm area. i think even quantum mechanics maths aligns with measurements i think somethign more finer solving that exists yet to be unknown and i would investigate that in maybe further years or might not investigate either i dont know. i feel like i fell in love to this new area i read about. never liked any topic i read last years. this quantum mechanics is severely interesting area. this is even more fun than abstract algebra. i think reading learning qantum mechanics is much more fun that either measure theory adn abstract algebra topics which i tag as the remaining most fun things i learnt aboutrecently. i also like learning humanities topics like anthropology podcasts or for long while i lvoed sociology readings i also love those topics like i loved quantum mechanicms recently. but couldnt spare enough time to humanities readings listenings last 5 years. they are also very fun like quantum mechanics i think.
i feel severely cheerful today since i feel more secure and i feel stronger against.
hey i really also would sovle any famine topic in world with creating synthethic cow meat and synthethic vegetable production. i think i reallyh would be able to build. any type of trauma must be very painful. my trauma were slandered for 5 years trauma. famine type of trauma also must be very painful. so i would try to fx pain of famines or lack of nutrititons type of traumas. i think its easy type project as i observe i could learn anything i want in my life easily and every project type beceoms turns easy to build.
ok i would create even some generative designs to investigate possible methods to devise molecules that i would learn from physics chems depts to lean for instance contents of molecules of cow meat with spectometry and how to synthesize it in a factory or similarly how to generate tomato/lemon/green leaves synthethically. it doesnt have to be in form of tomato or green leaves form either. but i gues people would prefer it to be in such form. and similarly all important molecuyles their generation methodologies would be investigaed with using also generative design methodologies using the awesome simulator i work on to build. or salad. all of their spectometries would be generatedby team i would setup by people interested to attend this ending any type of possible famine in world project. and generative designs would be modelled figured out to how to generate a tomato without farming with lesser global warming creating footprint to environment. or similarly synthethic cow meat production. i really liked this project idea. factory for tmoato generaton or cow meat generation. i really liked these ideas. making food the cheapest resource in world. ok i really really like this moleculer engineering idea. should be very cheaply produced. the cost to produce should be near to none with very high tech processes. or some substantial amount of cost.
ok this molecular engineering studies: it all starts with wind turbine project.
i really fell in love to learning quantu mechanics and moleculer engineering stuff. cause the idea that you could en;gineer to build cow meat or lemon is so fun and awesome and amazing idea to me. not all because of that fun idea of ending any possible famine in world idea which looks fun and very interesting and awesome at the same time. but learning moleculer engineering maths is severely fun to learn about. its more fun than learning abstract algebra. there is at least abstract algbera level fun of maths there in maths of quantum mechanics. its maths is very fun. and very creative stuff to learn. initially i thought the topics i read would be uncreative later i thinkits very creative. i think qm is te most interesting natural sciences related topic i ever read for last 4 years. surely i think humanities areas are also creative like natural sciences. i just couldnt spare tme alot to humanities readings last 5 years but i wish to do also. ok.
i have some huge goals(frst wind turbine product second molecular engineering to build synthethic cow meat and synthehtic vegetables factories or tech to develop them) and i would accomplish each of them. starting with wind turbine project. (i think confidence results from begn able to learn any topic i want, i have a tendency to think building projects might be easy like that also. but molecular engineering seems not that hard from outside. is not it just spherical harmonics or quantum mechanics. ok. doesnt look like big kloc challenges. i mean i think topics like developing a game engine even looks more harder than building moelculer engineering simulator to build products i defined. since kloc wise game engines or such stuff hold too much effort to code and yet still lots of engineering prohlems lots of very hard optimization problems such prodcts entails. i think lesser kloc projects with lesser build times feels much mre easier to me. it just depends on spherical harmonics or quantum mechanics or some mathemathics toolings etc but that but not that much kloc. so i really think my goal is establishlbe (since there is no huge effort necessary unlike huge effort needing prjoects like game engines or such stuff. i think those project types are much harder. any project wth huge kloc is severely challenging and hard. but moleclar engineering is not any huge klocs projects. so it feels kind of easier project to build to me due to that. )
ok awesome day starts (its awesome cause learning toics in mcquarrie and simon looked severely fun more fun than learning about abstract aglebra. cause its maths frameworks started to look awesome and very creatve. an amazing framework quantum mechanics framework is. for the first time i read ddnt felt like that as i bloggged last day but now i find it really amazing. )
now breakfast time.
since i like fastfood alot (pizza hamburger) i think would order such food today to me for new years eve. to celebrate lessing of agoraphobia named stuff. and taking bigger steps out of ptsd/trauma. and not any caring stalk slander incidents. and beign much stronger against. and reduced ptsd feeling. and i would celebrate also being stronger against organized slander process. i feel lesser insecure when they try to torture me with slandering me with things i would never ever do in my life nor would ever need to do ever either. i am much stronger agaianst.
yuppp a very cheerful day and would not let any imbecile slanderers steal my cheerful mood from my life any level neither today nor other days.
a very cheerful day:)
never let cheer mood of life be stolen.
yayyy i am severely hungry now since i hadnt made breakfast and it has been 11:51 am. break fast time.
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