hmm last days were severely sorrowful.

on monday we unfortunately had lost my dad (when staying in ICU due to metastasis in liver and other organs) 

i think losing a family member is one of the hardest things that could ever happen in life.

imho last 15 days were severely hard either since in ICU it were like constant heart broken of our hearts for feeling helplessness of not being able to even communicate to my dad alike due to his lung not working and constant ventilator intube situation. it were some insurmountable level of sorrow that I had first ever encountered in my life. i mean family member being cancer and being in ICU since lung has stopped/liver not functioning well enough yet then they told also kidneys dont near to none work etc. I just cant define the severity of sadness/sorrow we went through. its a sorrow/sadness severity I had never felt in my life ever. and feeling helpless of not being able to help either to my dad (since current med tech in world is unable to heal his stage 4 related critical condition by then so one feels severely helpless :S of seeing family member dying (and only miracle could return back) and not being able to help. severe levels of helplessness feeling. :S  the sadness/sorrow i lived through last 2 weeks is undefineable. its like constantly our hearts bled. of sorrow/sadness.  its very unnice that cancer medicine some types are not healable in current med tech (advanced/metastasized lung cancer)  ). 

the feeling of helplessness situation of seeing your blood in ICU  of untreatable illness (which doctors dont even give any hope sincec is advanceed cancer situation (which metastasized to many organs) ) is some severe sorrow condition I cant define evene how much sorrowful.  Its an insurmountable loss to our family. 

so such severe shock happent on monday morning to our family. I were kind of hopeful that miracles would happen. but unfortunately had not happent :S 

only things to be positive for in this very sad topic is  (if theree could dhave been) -> he had not visibly felt pain. (since his lungs had stopped and were ventilated and thereby have had constant analgesics to stay sleep due to intubed condition) 

second: they say such cancer of that much metastasized is untreatable usually in current medical technologies.  andd they said, in such advanceed conditions, patieents some of them die with seevere pain whih morphin medicines even does not work after sometime. luckily my dad never has had this pain issue since the time his cancer very got advanced, we lost him :S  but only thing we be positive is, at least, he had not felt pain any of those aforementioned cancer pain situation.  my dad had not had needed even morphine meedicine luckily fortunately. he had slightest sometimes not even pain but slight issue in some region but that much less that he only took 1 or twice some basic pain relief medicine. so luckily my dad never had cancer pain which they say is very bad. 

so when we lost him, these were things we hold on to as positive topics.  that he had not had some bad cancer periods (of mentioned cancer pain topic people mention as severely bad topic). it were detected in 2.5 years ago (then healeed once (with first chemotherapy then intelligent medicine tries(which unfortunatley had not worked in his cancer), then positron stuff to destroy tumor (which destroyed)  then again chemotheraphy. then it were healed fully)   but the second time it occured, we unfortunatley lost him during chemotherapy based treament:S). but he nevere had cancer pain. nor ever neeeded morphin even.    so this is something positive we think of.  (that he had not had any pain during last 2.5 years nor needed any morphine or even pain killers either since luckily his cancer had not had such side effect which we hear it happens like with severe pain in some patients that even morphine does not work,  luckily none of such situation happent in his condition ever. )

, we constantly had our hearts bleed of pain/sorrow/severe sadness and helplessness feeling (since current med tech has nothing to heal his metastasized cancer situation :S (very rarely only some rare statistics survive) ) last 2-3 weeks passed with insurmountable sorrow. although i were hopeful that a miracle would happen and he would return back to us. but unfortunately miracles did not happent any. and his condition due to cancer constantly worsened until we lost him. :S  (actually in overal in this cancer remitance happent that detected 6 months ago or so, we were anticipating that chemo this time would again heal cancer but unfortunatley this time cancer metastasized :S  it were a total sorrow shock to us we had not any anticipated such thing to happen, we thought chemo would stop cancer like it did first time 2.5 years ago :S but this time they applied visibly some lesser dose of chemo (due to his blood levels/weight/health etc as dosage is decided due to existing health of patient as i understand, that its not possible to give high dosage chemo to patient like first time cancer detected since his health were worse this time)  and turns out chemp dosage  just did not stop cancer from metastasizing unfortunately or else cancer mutated during dunno(and chemo became ineffective) or else new cancer happent since cancer patients took some medical scans which are both only existing cancer scan method in existing med tech but both invasive(has risk to mutate cells unfortunately :S) . dunno how cancer metastasized. somehow in this second time illness happent, unlike our anticipation/hope that he would win over cancer this time also, unfortunately we had lost him :S this even possibility of had not came to our mind until such worsenign of health condition started to happen 3 weeks ago. and severe shock/sadness/sorrow happent ) 

our loss is undefineable/severe. 

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meanwhile: some funny topics (as my grief level now makes me also make some funny jokes on current day after constant heart bleeding level sadness sorrow last 3-4 weeks etc.) 

our family is usually from the bektasi alevi religion but not actually, they are like atheists instead alike me (With no religion at all, since we dont have bektasi alevi religion traditions ) 

so in funeral it were organized to be held in cemevi religious place (bektasi alevi culture) but imho even the prayers there were too much to we nonreligious atheist family :) I mean i just during the funeral thought to myself what the heck this is, as many prayings this time to alevi religion happent :)  I guess most of our family felt overwhelmed of religious funeral concept (since our family funnily has near to none religion at all :D e.g. one of my cousin is following spiritualist religious stuff like theta healing/spiritualism and his mom sometimes makes fun of her religiousness alike nor just not only her mom but rest of either.  then we sometimes make fun of level of hardcore atheism level in our family by then :)  since most people in world are religious, a very very atheist family is sometimes kind of funny :D  i mean radicalist atheist alike atheist. not radical yet very atheist alike. so that becomes funny in a world where most people have a religion or so :D  

sometimes my cousin whom is in to theta healing/spiritualism topics tries to convince me to her topics about spirits and so and spiritualism either etc, then i to be not rude listen very politely, but from my stare mimics she instantly detects I dont give any second any serious belief to what she tells (as I am also atheist and dont think spirits any exist)  and gives a lot lough with raising she had not undetected my utter disbelief from my mimics (to spiritualism like concepts ) (I told you we are very atheist people :) ) 

I told, having an mostly atheist family is really funny. all family is like having none religion :)  some are like agnostic. 

but coming from bektasi alevi roots, we have none knowledge of neither of bektasi traditions. 

and seeing things like 12 imam etc, it felt gosh this cemevi concept really did not suited our family's funeral imho that much since we really are atheists. in funeral in cemevi, i felt it overwhelming to listen prayers (since my family most dont know even prayers even :D)  

imho  but there is no funeral concept for nonreligious people so yep we went to cemevi to follow tradition, but imho it were just too religious. e.g. 12 imam? gosh too religious :S not for us. not for our family either. i mean our family branches none of has such traditions of any religious practice from fasting to anythign nor any knowledge of 12 imam either :)  my most relatives dont even know even any single prayer :) 

so we had a huge funeral like first day passed with constant guests to home ( graveyard funeral happent in second day)  it were like i and my cousins become consant waiters waitresses to hundreds of guests all day first day where meal were provided to constantly coming guests. 

then second day first my dad were retrieved to his home here then to cemevi for prayer rituals with hundreds guests in cemevi then to graveyard funeral place to place to his rest place, then all people went to cemevi to continue funeral to do again some prayers then some meal then prayers and end of funeral cerenomy at cemevi. then same day most outside city visitors returned back. then rest visitors returned back to our home again and then again constant me and my cousins became waiter/waitress for hundreds of visitors to house to prepare meal etc or tea serving etc etc.  then next day this time my mom side relative has had given meal to all people this time we again became waiter/waitress with cousins to distribute meal/serve tea. ) so I figure out in Turkey, in funeral traditions, the funeral happening households really has no time to spare to self.  since in first 2 days constat flux of visitors/guests happens and meals giving etc etc. tea serve etc etc. gosh we did not had any time to mourn last 2 days. I asked mom whether is it in traditions like this? (e.g. guests left at 21:30 pm today ) and she said yes. that funeral house constantly gives meals or teas etc in first days to all visitors flux. gosh weird tradition in the sense, funeral happens house has no time to mourn even alike.  i wish they change this tradition sometime :) since its really hard to constantly serve tea to hundreds of people which and people constantly come and stay some time go. (in our house) or meal serving is none less effortless. even if its ready meal, its hard to place to food packages to serve them then to collect and clean etc or alike. 

so we had given meal for consecutive 3 days alike. but i think we wont do 7th day meal and 40th day meal traditions. since we dont even have religion at all as mentioned and this 7th and 40th day tradition i guess is more for religious people traditions. in most funerals they also read quoran which we wont follow such tradition since as told we dont have religion as family.    (and whilst all most all people have religion that seems kind of funny :D to jhave a family that has none religion :D since most people have one or other some religion :D )

its just so funny, in most families elders wishes to make descendents religious right? :D in our family :D when my cousin talks of spiritualism sometimes elder family members make fun of how religious cousin is her and they make slightly satire/fun of her religiousness (since entire family is non religious :D )

its then cousin makes fun of the absurdity of having such family in such a world where most people have one or other some religion at all :D 

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so it were overall nice things for funeral -> yep I had alot time with my cousins whom with jokes many times made us laugh and forget about sadness/funeral. 

specifically my spiritualist cousin is very kind of makes me laugh with she laughing alot when detecteing from my mimics that I dont believe anything to she says about the beliefs of spiritualism from vedec astrology to any  astral maps etc etc. i dont understand how she understands from my mimics that I dont believe to what she says but just politely listen to alike :D she bursts in laugher everytime saying staring to me you dont believe, right? :)  (I mean detects from my mimics that my serious listening her is only from politeness not that I have kind of belief to what she tells :) ) then she burst in laughter for detecting my disbelief which I dont any try to show but she detects somehow from my mimics :D

:) she says she would slowly but eventually make me believe to spiritualism (with talking to me ) but she also burst alot to laughter for her sinister(doing sarcasm :) not that she is any sinister but she makes fun of brain washing concept of she also makes fun of her attempt to talk of spiritualism to me like saying with laugh alot with she with her talk would brain wash me to spiritualism alike :D )  agenda to make me a believer :D  ahaha my cousin is very funny in how she tries to influence me to spiritualism. :) she makes fun of her brain washing method her self :D of laughing alot of how she would finally make me a believer with talking /brain washing with talking :)  do not percecive her as nonbeliever. she is just very funnily vocal and likes to do satire to everything also this :) of her trying to influence people to spiritualism alike :)  she burst everytime to laughter when she detects I have disbelief to those philosophies she mentions etc just from my mimics :D ( I do never reflect my disbelief, I politely listen, but she just everytime somehow detects my disbelief from my stare/mimics etc :D)  

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yep i dont believe to spiritualism stuff unfortunately (as funnily I have a nonreligious entire family in a world where most people have either one or other a religion :D its just so funnily absurd to have a entirely unreligious family :D) but i believe to many many worlds concept of theoretical physics (multiverse concept) 

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